suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

May 29

Words Of Wisdom – – From a TV Show?

by suddenlysinglewomen

I’m pretty active during the day.  The days I have nothing scheduled to do are few and far between, and I like it that way.  Keeping busy keeps my mind active, my body moving and sad thoughts from catching up to me.  But oh those nights . . .

It’s a couple’s world – yup – we’ve hit on this before.  And even more so when you’re around a holiday weekend, you notice that people have plans whether it be a party, trip to the lake or the beach or the farm or the ranch, or even a movie date.  If you happen to see someone you know out with their spouse or significant other, they’ll almost always look at you in surprise and say, “Gee, I shoulda called you to join us!”  Ya’ think??

So on those nights where I have nothing planned (and the light is too dim for me to be able to see to needlepoint anymore) – I watch TV.  I DVR alot of shows, movies, and sporting events.  Now that the regular season shows are coming to a close my DVR is getting dangerously low.  What then??  EEEEKKK!

When catching up with one of those shows the other night – “Castle”, one of my favs – there is a particularly poignant scene where Rick Castle is talking to his daughter and offers these words of wisdom:

“There comes a point in our lives when we have to stop fooling ourselves into thinking life’s going to be the way we want it to be, and start seeing things for how they really are.”

Lucky thing about DVR is you can stop, pause, fast forward and reverse.  Here I hit the reverse so I could listen again to what he said, then write it down.  It really struck a chord.  Such a simple thought, and still so very hard to do.  Sometimes the way things “really are” are far from what “we want it to be”.  Heck, who am I kidding, they’re rarely what we want them to be.

So is the answer to adjust our expectations?  Do we just accept the way things “really are” and deal with it as best we can?  When do you give up the “what we want it to be” dream?  My daily challenge seems to be making those adjustments to fall more in line with my reality and to stop fooling myself.

Of course, who wouldn’t like to be part of Rick Castle’s “reality” – – – just sayin’ . . .

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May 20

Life After Love – – – According to Cher

by suddenlysinglewomen

It’s that time of the year when I seem to be spending a lot more time in my SUV, and getting really REALLY irritated with the way people drive.  Maybe it’s the onset of summer heat, maybe it’s the proximity of summer and vacations earned and deserved, maybe there are just that many more awful drivers out there these days?  What that does is have me listening to my Sirius / XM radio more than usual.  Yep, that’s me next to you at the red light or train crossing bopping to the music and singing all the words!

So, back to Cher!  One of her songs came on and I believe the title is something along the lines of:  “Do You Believe In Life After Love?”  Hmmmmm??

Suffice to say I’m not currently in love, and it’s been many years since I loved the man I was once married to  –  infidelity will do that to you.  But what is my “life” after love?  Sure, I get up every morning; I go through the motions of being busy.  I have hobbies, lunch with girl friends, occasional non-profit or volunteer activities, babysitting the new grand baby, walks with the dogs, workouts – all things to keep me busy.  That is day to day living, but would I call it a life?

You remember when people used to tell you to “get a life”, if you were complaining or had irritated them?  “Get a life” – is that something I can find at the store, or buy online?  Where do I go to get a life?  How do I go about finding the right “life” after love?  After five and a half years of being divorced (and being alone much longer than that) I’m not really sure what kind of a life I have.

At DRG the other night we were asked what the vision of our life would be in the next five, or ten years.  I had to admit that when I got divorced I had a vision of what I’d be doing five years down the road.  Boy was I wrong.  Nothing that I thought I would be doing has happened, most especially in the category of “relationships”.  Knowing that I missed the mark on the last vision, how am I supposed to answer that for the next vision?

Do you believe in life after love?  I think I do, and even though some have accused me of having a pity party, it’s hard to know where you’re going and where you’re going to find that life.  Would be so easy if I could sit here on my laptop, “google” how to “get a life”, buy it and have it shipped over night.  Don’t think that’s going to happen though so for now I’ll try to conjure up my “vision” for the next five years, focus on how to “get a life” and refrain from ramming some idiot driver who changed lanes into me because he was texting . . .

 

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May 9

Life as Mountain Biking – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Was in church the other day listening to a guest pastor.  His home church is in Sun Valley, Idaho where it had been 16 degrees on the day he’d left for Houston.  We were enjoying a wonderful spring day of temps in the lowers 70’s.  Didn’t take rocket science to see why he’d pick this time of year for his visit.

He was relaying stories about activities enjoyed by those who live in the mountains and one that I really enjoyed was about his son and mountain biking.  There was something so “DUH” about mountain biking and it’s similarities to divorce that when he said it I quickly grabbed an offering envelope to write it down so I could share it with you.

The statement was so perfect for divorce recovery!  You see, when you’re mountain biking, moving “forward” is essential.  When you’re bumping your way downhill over rough terrain, you simply MUST be moving forward.  Imagine if you’re not moving forward what would happen?  You’ll simply fall over, best case scenario, or tumble off the side of the mountain, definitely worst case.

Isn’t divorce recovery just like negotiating the rocky and slippery terrain of a mountain bike path?  If you’ve never mountain biked, I can tell you it’s one of the most bone jarring activities I’ve ever tried.  You’re perched on a bike that is NOT comfortable, you cannot sit on it, you’re pointing down going (at least if you’re with my sons) at what feels like breakneck speed!  To throw on brakes could cause you to tumble straight up and over the handlebars – not a pretty picture.

There’s a reason mountain bikers where helmets and elbow guards and knee guards, etc.  To fall is messy.  You do not stay still on the path down.  You would either fall over or be run over!  To get down safely you must keep moving forward and then see a chiropractor!  Seriously . . .

So grab your helmet, your shin guards and your Advil and whatever you do – don’t try to just perch on that mountain bike of recovery.  Release the hand brakes holding you in neutral and even though it’a a bumpy ride, the finish line is ahead.

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Apr 30

Are You Running Toward? Or Running Away? – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

I know that we have all been entranced over the past couple of weeks by the awful bombings at the Boston Marathon.   How could something like this happen?  Will we ever know the full story?  What goes so wrong in a person’s life that they could ever think that killing innocent people is justified?  That however is not why I’m referring to this, because we may never fully comprehend what motivated the perpetrators to do this.

What I was fascinated by was the totally random acts of courage and kindness that were displayed by so many people, not just first responders but by the general public.  I would hope that I would be one of those people running “toward” the fray.  I’m pretty sure I would be.  I’ve been at the scene of an accident before and it’s exactly what I did, I ran toward it to help.

It’s human nature to flee though, and there is absolutely nothing wrong that many people in their confusion and need to survive ran away from the commotion.  It’s the same “flight or fight” that we see in animals, it’s instinct that kicks in and it just happens.  Our ability to reason is also what separates us from the animals.

So in your “post” divorce life, are you running toward your new life or are you running away?  Your instinct may be to huddle up and hide, to run away from recovery, to flee from the pain.  You become the prey and it “preys” upon your mind that you will not get over it and be able to move on.

May I suggest that you need to move toward it?  To get past the heartache and the pain, run toward it and burst through it.  We’ve talked in the past about that rear view mirror.  If you continue to look in it, you will wreck.  Look forward and move forward or be like the good samaritans in Boston and run toward it.   Let today and every day from here forward be about moving “forward”.   Be  your very own personal first responder, we’re right beside you!

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Apr 23

Vulnerability = Trust – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

I attended a fundraising luncheon last week where the guest speaker was Dr. Brene Brown.  She has spent years researching vulnerability and other aspects of human emotional well being.  It was fascinating listening to her views and her studies but it was her take on our vulnerability that really resonated with me.

http://www.brenebrown.com

I always considered being vulnerable a “weakness” but that’s not really her take on it at all.  It’s what prods us to be brave, to try things that scare us, to make a decision to be strong and that ultimately helps us survive.

Being in a relationship makes us vulnerable.  Being in love makes us vulnerable.  Going through a break-up or a divorce REALLY makes us feel vulnerable because that “mate” was supposed to be there for us in the good times and the bad.  Now we’re all alone and it’s scary.

What makes you feel vulnerable?  For me it’s being alone and totally responsible for myself.  However can I take that and use it as motivation to prove that I really can be strong?  Absolutely.  It has forced me to learn to trust in myself and my decisions.  That trust did not come quickly, but it did come.

Use those feelings of being inadequate to motivate yourself to trust in your strengths.  Prove to your family and friends that you are a strong and capable person who doesn’t need a man to tell you what to do, how to do it and when to do it.  Look at those feelings of vulnerability as a way to learn to trust in yourself again.

Having doubts is normal, but letting them rule your world is not OK.  Be strong, be brave – rock on!!

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Apr 1

When Better Isn’t Bitter – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

A funny thing happened to me the other day when I was answering an email message by using my iPhone.  Trying to be quick and “21st” century I abbreviated some of the words.  Never assume your abbreviation is read the way you meant it!

In answering a comment about “moving on” from the hurt of divorce and into my new life as a single I remarked that I thought I was still “bttr”, even tho’ there had been some things that had recently irritated me!!  I intended that “bttr” to be read as “better”!   Imagine my surprise when my gal pal fired back a “msg” to me (ok couldn’t resist – that’s “message”) that she didn’t understand why I was still “bitter”?  A bit of a lecture ensued.

I read her reply and went, “. . . huh? . . .”   I had to go back to see if my fat fingers had hit the wrong key?  (I do miss the raised keys of a Blackberry, I never made typing mistakes on the Blackberry!)  I know that when I get going really fast on the iPhone that many times I can hit the wrong letter key because the pads of my thumbs are seemingly too wide for the letters.

How many times have I sent a message where I meant to type “list” and instead sent out the word “lust” since the “u” and “i” are side by side.  I’m sure that’s made for some interesting interpretations of my message!!  But, back to the story . . .

When I scanned my reply, I realized that she had misread the abbreviation.  I clarified, all’s well!  But it does make you think.  Is being bitter ever better?  Do you have to go through a bit of bitter before you can get better?  Yes – plain and simple, it’s natural.  I believe bitter can be better when it drives you to heal and get past the pain, the anguish, the grief of a married life that’s lost and motivates you to realize that you are an OK person without that man in your life.

I also believe that it’s never better to hold onto the bitter, because the only person you’re hurting is yourself and those closest to you who only want to help you get to a better place.  That’s why my sweet friend fired back at me a little lecture, because she wants only the best for me, and to see me through to a better place.  My bitter is getting better every day!  So shall yours if you’ll let it – so start today and be better!

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Mar 13

Do You Now Have To Get Everything In Writing?

by suddenlysinglewomen

I’m glad that “back in the day”, when I got married, I didn’t even know what a “pre-nup” was.  It would have been just one more thing to worry about.  These days, especially in the case of second marriages between people of a certain “advanced” age – it’s the norm.  So what would you do if your “intended” suddenly popped up with the demand to sign a pre-nup just mere days before the wedding?  I’m still trying to figure out how a “pre-nup” doesn’t imply that your marriage is not going to work out!

I thought this article was interesting because evidently this woman went to court and got the pre-nup thrown out.  My guess is there will be appeals and she’ll be tied up in court for a very long time.  We talk about the family law courts and divorce attorneys in my DRG (Divorce Recovery Group) quite a lot and from what I hear, no one seems to feel there is justice or impartiality any more.  Attorneys fees are way out of kilter and judges seem to be able to overlook certain aspects of the law without much challenge.  You can be right, but lack the funds to hire someone to make it happen.

Most marriages are not lasting, and pre-nups are not ironclad.   What to do, you wonder?  After reading this article I glanced at the posting comments and am sad to report that most seemed to question why anyone would even get married anymore.  Is that what we’ve come to?  Give it a read and let me know what you think.

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/wife-of-millionaire-wins-unprecedented-case-to-overturn-prenup-agreement-182017682.html

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Mar 6

“The Great Debaters” –

by suddenlysinglewomen

This is a wonderful movie if you haven’t seen it.  I won’t go into details, but suffice to say that David beats Goliath once again.  It’s a feel good movie and one that both sexes seem to enjoy.  In one scene, the actor Forest Whitaker has a line – “We do what we have to do, in order to do what we want to do”.

“What we have to do . . .”

I grew up in a fairly strict household in the 50’s and 60’s.  My Dad was ex Army, to say he was regimented w0uld be an understatement.  We knew always what we HAD to do.  If we forgot, we were reminded.  We did not color outside the lines.  We did not think outside the box.  There were rules and there were boundaries and if you messed up, there were consequences.  There was very little doing “What we want to do”.

These days the rules are so much different.  There’s more freedom, there’s less structure, and there sure as heck is alot less consequence.  So what are we showing our children when there are no consequences for bad behavior?  Bad precedent to set I would imagine.

Many times I have had to sit back and bite my tongue when I see my ex exhibiting his usual inconsiderate behavior.  Even when it affects our children, I hold most of my thoughts to myself because what good will it do to share them out loud?  The kids don’t want to hear them.  Do you think they notice?  Hard to tell.

So it appears I’m still stuck in the “Do what you have to do” rut.  Apparently I have to hold my tongue to keep the peace and not denigrate their father.  Because to do what I WANT to do wouldn’t change his behavior anyway . . .

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Feb 25

What A Difference A Few Years Can Make – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

I was sent this post and had a fun time looking it over.  While many of the things on there I agree with, some of them I will admit to still doing.  Guess that means I’m not quite as “hip” as my children and their friends are but that’s OK.  In some things they’re not near as “cool” as I am either!!

Look these over and see if you agree.  If nothing else, it’s a fun exercise in reminding ourselves just how far and how fast life has progressed and times have changed.  Have we progressed with the times and the technology or are we stuck in the past?  Is this a tiny bit like getting a divorce yet not moving on?  Enjoy these and take some of them with a grain of salt . . .

But you better NEVER stop writing those “hand-written” thank you notes or my Mother will haunt you for the rest of your natural born life!  Just sayin’ . . .

http://mozy.com/blog/infographics/50-things-we-dont-do-anymore-due-to-technology/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=Newsletter-Home201302&utm_campaign=Newsletters-Home&ref=36b792db

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Feb 15

Happy Anniversary and a HUGE Heartfelt Thanks – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

That’s right, it’s been one year since I started this blog and I’m so very grateful for all the support I’ve received during that year.  I know I’m not alone in what I’ve been going through.  I know that I have love and support from others who “get it”.

It was funny, I went back and read the first blog that went out for Valentine’s Day 2012 and things really haven’t changed too terribly much.  It’s another Valentine’s day spent with a TV tray, my DVR and my dogs.  A BFF did send me a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates which I have every intention of emptying very soon.  I got to spend time with my new five-week old grand baby – a girl – this morning, a real treat since I’m the mother of sons!  If that doesn’t show you “the real thing”, nothing will.

I’ll stay at home tonight because to go out would just throw me into the middle of “couple-dom” every where you look and I just don’t want to see that on this day about “love”.

So thanks for “following” me and who knows what the next year might bring?

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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