suddenlysinglewomen

Surviving the unwanted divorce

Are You Running Toward? Or Running Away? – – –

I know that we have all been entranced over the past couple of weeks by the awful bombings at the Boston Marathon.   How could something like this happen?  Will we ever know the full story?  What goes so wrong in a person’s life that they could ever think that killing innocent people is justified?  That however is not why I’m referring to this, because we may never fully comprehend what motivated the perpetrators to do this.

What I was fascinated by was the totally random acts of courage and kindness that were displayed by so many people, not just first responders but by the general public.  I would hope that I would be one of those people running “toward” the fray.  I’m pretty sure I would be.  I’ve been at the scene of an accident before and it’s exactly what I did, I ran toward it to help.

It’s human nature to flee though, and there is absolutely nothing wrong that many people in their confusion and need to survive ran away from the commotion.  It’s the same “flight or fight” that we see in animals, it’s instinct that kicks in and it just happens.  Our ability to reason is also what separates us from the animals.

So in your “post” divorce life, are you running toward your new life or are you running away?  Your instinct may be to huddle up and hide, to run away from recovery, to flee from the pain.  You become the prey and it “preys” upon your mind that you will not get over it and be able to move on.

May I suggest that you need to move toward it?  To get past the heartache and the pain, run toward it and burst through it.  We’ve talked in the past about that rear view mirror.  If you continue to look in it, you will wreck.  Look forward and move forward or be like the good samaritans in Boston and run toward it.   Let today and every day from here forward be about moving “forward”.   Be  your very own personal first responder, we’re right beside you!

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Vulnerability = Trust – – –

I attended a fundraising luncheon last week where the guest speaker was Dr. Brene Brown.  She has spent years researching vulnerability and other aspects of human emotional well being.  It was fascinating listening to her views and her studies but it was her take on our vulnerability that really resonated with me.

http://www.brenebrown.com

I always considered being vulnerable a “weakness” but that’s not really her take on it at all.  It’s what prods us to be brave, to try things that scare us, to make a decision to be strong and that ultimately helps us survive.

Being in a relationship makes us vulnerable.  Being in love makes us vulnerable.  Going through a break-up or a divorce REALLY makes us feel vulnerable because that “mate” was supposed to be there for us in the good times and the bad.  Now we’re all alone and it’s scary.

What makes you feel vulnerable?  For me it’s being alone and totally responsible for myself.  However can I take that and use it as motivation to prove that I really can be strong?  Absolutely.  It has forced me to learn to trust in myself and my decisions.  That trust did not come quickly, but it did come.

Use those feelings of being inadequate to motivate yourself to trust in your strengths.  Prove to your family and friends that you are a strong and capable person who doesn’t need a man to tell you what to do, how to do it and when to do it.  Look at those feelings of vulnerability as a way to learn to trust in yourself again.

Having doubts is normal, but letting them rule your world is not OK.  Be strong, be brave – rock on!!

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When Better Isn’t Bitter – – –

A funny thing happened to me the other day when I was answering an email message by using my iPhone.  Trying to be quick and “21st” century I abbreviated some of the words.  Never assume your abbreviation is read the way you meant it!

In answering a comment about “moving on” from the hurt of divorce and into my new life as a single I remarked that I thought I was still “bttr”, even tho’ there had been some things that had recently irritated me!!  I intended that “bttr” to be read as “better”!   Imagine my surprise when my gal pal fired back a “msg” to me (ok couldn’t resist – that’s “message”) that she didn’t understand why I was still “bitter”?  A bit of a lecture ensued.

I read her reply and went, “. . . huh? . . .”   I had to go back to see if my fat fingers had hit the wrong key?  (I do miss the raised keys of a Blackberry, I never made typing mistakes on the Blackberry!)  I know that when I get going really fast on the iPhone that many times I can hit the wrong letter key because the pads of my thumbs are seemingly too wide for the letters.

How many times have I sent a message where I meant to type “list” and instead sent out the word “lust” since the “u” and “i” are side by side.  I’m sure that’s made for some interesting interpretations of my message!!  But, back to the story . . .

When I scanned my reply, I realized that she had misread the abbreviation.  I clarified, all’s well!  But it does make you think.  Is being bitter ever better?  Do you have to go through a bit of bitter before you can get better?  Yes – plain and simple, it’s natural.  I believe bitter can be better when it drives you to heal and get past the pain, the anguish, the grief of a married life that’s lost and motivates you to realize that you are an OK person without that man in your life.

I also believe that it’s never better to hold onto the bitter, because the only person you’re hurting is yourself and those closest to you who only want to help you get to a better place.  That’s why my sweet friend fired back at me a little lecture, because she wants only the best for me, and to see me through to a better place.  My bitter is getting better every day!  So shall yours if you’ll let it – so start today and be better!

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