suddenlysinglewomen

Surviving the unwanted divorce

Resilience – Be The Definition

I enjoy reading, but for too many years I’ve pushed it aside for more “physical” activities.  I’ve decided to try to find a better balance between being active and being sedentary.  Being active always took my mind “off” the bad things.  Being “quiet” allowed them to sneak back in – those sneaky little pesky buggers!

So I’ve decided to take some advice from the professionals and “Face It”!   I share with you a quoted statement from a recent sedentary magazine article reading experience  I’ve found a new book to read by Steven Southwick, a professor of psychiatry at Yale University and the coauthor of:

Resilience:  The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges

Coping with unfortunate events and moving on is the definition of resilience.  You can train yourself to be resilient by using difficult situations as a toughening experience.  Accept what you cannot change, and practice more productive responses.  So instead of shouting obscenities and banging on the steering wheel when you’re stuck in traffic, put on soothing music.  Realize that the traffic jam is an opportunity to get better control over your emotions.  If you do this over and over again, you will actually change the way that your brain functions.  No one enjoys stress and adversity, but they can help you grow.”

It’s worth a try at least.  Those bad experiences and hurtful things aren’t what you chose, but how you deal with them IS what you choose.  As I enter year eight, post divorce, I still struggle but also see most things more clearly now.  The further I get from it, the easier it becomes to step more confidently into the unknown of my future.

Join me?

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Bah – Humbug . . . . . No Wait, . . . . Wrong Holiday

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Ha!!  What to say about “tomorrow” – Valentine’s Day?

Maybe you have a Valentine, or maybe a date, or maybe your family sent you a card?

Or maybe you’re like me and you’re sitting there today in a hair salon, getting a shampoo and a blowdry and the stylist assumes you’re getting it done for “big plans”!!  “So, . . . . (pause) . . . . are you doing something special this weekend?”

You hesitate, because should you take it out on her that you’re still single, and still alone, and still doubting there’s anyone out there that wants to love you and be your “mate”?

Nah!  Your good breeding tamps down the negative response that pops in your brain and you smile inanely and say, “Oh – no special plans.  Probably hang with some friends!  You?”

I’m the mother of sons, and they hate Valentine’s.  They claim it’s a conspiracy between Hallmark card shops and chocolate and flower shops.  Now THAT’S the spirit.  I taught them better than that but hey – they’re dudes and dudes don’t get all mushy, right??

I think back to a particular Valentine’s “surprise trip” I had planned for my then spouse, to Santa Fe.  One of our close friends “couple” went with us.  A beautiful and romantic place, Santa Fe – or at least it can be.  He gifted me with a beautiful gold bracelet cuff that had a heart on each end.  His take?  Two hearts coming together – just like he and I.

Too bad that I later found the receipt for what he’d also purchased for his girlfriend – alas you can see why I might be a bit jaded on the big “V” Day.  Real love and compassion and caring for another individual shouldn’t be about one day, it should be every day.

But that’s a Cinderella dream, and this Sleeping Beauty’s heart will probably remain Frozen since I refuse to play the part of Dumbo any more.

Chocolates anyone?

 

 

 

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Every Now and Then . . .

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I saw this on Facebook today.   I was taking a break from paperwork and scoping out things on the internet.

It’s one of those “stay at home days” with workers getting some repairs done that I’d been putting off.  It’ll be worth staying “home” if all the workers show and all the work is actually accomplished, but – – – what are the odds?

When I saw this, it just struck a chord, because lately I’ve been feeling really “left out in the cold”.  Abandoned isn’t really the right word, but it’s something similar – I just haven’t come up with it yet.  Nothing reminds you how “alone” you are like having to be the only person “in charge” and with no one there to back you up.

No one is around to share, to give you a hand up, to help you through the trials of daily living.  Running a household, making life’s day to day decisions, having to make choices that are expensive and that you will be stuck with for quite a while.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to bat those ideas around with?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully capable of making these decisions, I know I am.  What I miss is the sharing of those decisions.  The process of talking things through with another person, sharing your thoughts, the pros and cons.  Knowing there is someone else there to share those decisions with, whether they end up being good decisions or bad.

It would be nice to have a partner to run those thoughts “by”, to get their take.  NOT someone who only wants to tell you what to do all the time, I had that – never going back BUT . . . just a way to share.  As a single female, or just as a person in general, you never know that everything  is going to be alright, none of us do.

But the occasional hug, someone to squeeze your hand, a shoulder to lay your head against . . . someone to tell you that you are not in this alone – that’s what I miss.  Am I making sense?  Sometimes putting your thoughts out there is difficult, you’re feelings are so clear to you, but can you express them in such a way that others “get it”?

Will everything “be alright”?  Only time will tell – but for now, the workers are working and I’m taking it one repair at a time . . .

 

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