Becoming the best version of yourself

Saving Yourself The Heartbreak – – –

This is an article shared with me by good friend Diva J, who thought it could speak to my readers.  She is divorced from her first husband, but is one of the lucky ones who found the real deal afterwards.  She and her “now”  husband are two of the happiest “married” people I know!  They inspire me that it IS possible, but maybe just not my time yet???
Whether or not it WILL ever be my time or not, there are certain things that will surely set you and me up for heartbreak and relationship failure.   One of those is “looking for a rich man to marry” who will make your life easier and furnish you comfort and “happily ever after”.
Don’t buy into that myth.
We all need to learn to take care of ourselves.  I can also pretty much promise you that most of those women who do “land the rich man”, have a fairly shallow and empty, albeit comfortable life.
Would I trade places with them?  Not a chance.  I’m learning how to love and value myself as a single female and I urge you all to do the same.  I hope you enjoy the article below,  and take away valuable insight what you should be hoping for!
Like This Page · February 20
Dear Ones —Help me to understand something.

In the past year, I have overheard no fewer than four women in my personal acquaintance suggest that their lives would be completely solved (and that their creative potential would be completely realized) if only they had married (or could marry) a rich man.

These are women whom I have admired for years. They are different in age, in background, in passions, in upbringing — but they are each strong and smart and competent and completely healthy in mind and body. And each one of them still dreams of snagging a guy with money, who will (presumably) remove all their obstacles and solve all their problems.

The most startling example was a woman who is a powerful, famous writer. This woman is ardent and outspoken feminist. An example to all human sisterhood. A person I have looked up to forever. We did a reading together recently. A young, female audience member asked her, “What advice to you do you have for aspiring writers?” The famous author replied: “Marry a rich man.”

When I heard this, my soul let out an anguished howl. I simply could not contain myself. I cried out, “NOOOOOO!”

The author turned to me in genuine surprise. “But how will she get her writing done, if she has to pay the bills herself?” she asked.

People, listen to me. I wrote my first two books when I was a diner waitress and bartender. I worked as a nanny and a cook, and I stocked other people’s books in a bookstore. I did whatever work I had to do, and I honed my craft in my stolen hours. Hours that belonged solely to ME, because I had bought them myself.

Toni Morrison wrote her first books as a single mother. She did it by getting up at 4:00am while her young son slept, and putting in the hours at the typewriter before she went to her fulltime paycheck-earning job.

My friend Ann Patchett wrote her first books while she was a broke-ass waitress at TGI Fridays in Nashville.

Her friend, the poet Lucy Greeley, wrote her books while she was in numberless hospitals, enduring countless reconstructive surgeries from a lifetime spent battling bone cancer.

Cheryl Strayed, Anne Lamott, Sue Monk Kidd, J.K. Rowling…do you want me to go on?

There are no rich men in any of these stories.

Please help me to understand, then, why this fantasy of the rich man endures. Why would a brilliant, gifted, healthy, powerful woman still hold to the hope that someday a Mr. Darcey will arrive, and open up a world of possibilities that she somehow cannot open for herself?

Whenever I hear this fantasy expressed, in any form, I want to say, “WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY, WOMAN?”

I was practically a baby in the cradle when I first heard Gloria Steinem say that we should strive to become the men we always wanted to marry. I took it to heart. That was 40 years ago. Does it need to be said again?

Can you help me wrap my mind around why this story endures? Can anyone explain this dream in a way that makes any sense to me? Because I really don’t get it. In fact, it makes me want to spit nails and blow fireballs through my ears.

AUTONOMY IS THE GOD OF WOMEN. Never forget that.

Hell, autonomy is the god of everyone.

Which is what I told all the aspiring young writers in the audience that night. And I also told them: “Now go get yours.”


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Happy Valentine’s Day – and 2nd Anniversary!




Well – I can’t believe my Blog is celebrating it’s 2nd anniversary, the time has flown and hopefully we’ve all grown in our journey to become happier independent women.

Valentine’s Day is hard, because all around you is such a push to commercialization of “love”.  You feel slighted that you don’t have a sweetheart, there are no floral deliveries or mushy cards coming your way.

My college BF proposed on Valentine’s Day 1974, and dumped me on Thanksgiving weekend the same year.  Valentine’s Day 1975 was the first date with the boy who would become my  husband.  As you can see, I’ve not had much luck with the “day”.

I share the above photo because I think the thought rings through for both people who are around you, and your thoughts.  I believe this to be the year that I walk away from those unhealthy people who bring me down.  It is also the year that I attempt to banish the sad thoughts that weigh me down at times like “Valentine’s Day”.

On this year’s Valentine’s Day, I will love myself and celebrate my value to the world.   Join me in my quest, and thank you each and everyone for being with me and supporting me.  Hearts to you!

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Putting It Out There In The Universe – Part “Deux”

Sooooo, where was I?

I’d had my massage, I’d put it out there “in the Universe” all those sterling qualities that I was looking for in the perfect partner (I say tongue in cheek!).

I was sitting at dinner when in walks a group of “age appropriate” males, the two tables start chatting . . .

Two of the men are married, two are not.  Married One #1 is chatting with and sitting next to the single female in their group.  She is the one that originally strikes up the conversation with our group and invites us to slide our chairs on over.  My chair is against the wall facing “out”, and also closest to their table.  From the moment they sit down, Single One #1 takes his seat closest to mine and never really scoots under the table – he faces outward totally willing to engage our table.

They go around the table introducing themselves, sharing where they’re from, that they were frat brothers reuniting for a ski trip and share with us their marital status.  So I’ll set it up for you.  There is Lynn, Single woman.  To her right is Married One #1 – they are friends.  When Single One #1 by me tells us he’s (Married One #1) married, he rolls his eyes and then adds “kind of”.   Hmmmm . . .

To the right of Married One #1 is Single One #2.  He has a place in the mountains where some of them are bunking.  He has that look of “player” about him, that devilish smile that says he’s just fine being in that position of “free”.  To his right is Married One #2.  He’s from Dallas, also has a place in the mountains and has the “deer caught in the headlights” look that says he’s happy to be out with his mates, but not happy to be that close to so many unattached females.

To his right is Single One #1 who is close to me.  He’s tall, owns his own business, in good shape, fun loving and charismatic.  He offers to buy us dessert then shares it with us.  He has a place in Denver and Santa Barbara.  I’m thinking that I owe Alejandra a really large tip next time I go in for a massage because this whole “putting it out there in the Universe” thing is pretty cool.  Look what just landed in my lap?

The whole time Single One #1 is flirting with me, Married One #2 looks like he’s about to implode.  I try to engage him into the conversation with talk of football, snow, work – something to make him more comfortable.  The more Single One #1 talks and flirts, the worse Married One #2 looks.   I’m thinking it’s kind of sweet that he appears so uncomfortable probably worried what the wife would think, yet he’s done nothing wrong.

When their meal comes, it’s time for us to leave.  Being the child of the 50’s that I am, (i.e. not comfortable being forward with men) I hand my contact info/card to Lynn, the single female because I’m just not quite brave enough to hand it to Single One #1 even though he’s made it pretty clear he’s interested.  If he wants the info bad enough, he’ll find me, right??  My friends and I leave the restaurant and I’m thinking 2014 WILL be my year.

Two days later I get a panic massage from one of the girls that had been with me at dinner.  Lynn, Single female from dinner, had just found out from Married One #1 that Single One #1 is NOT SINGLE.  Yup, bet you saw that coming didn’t you??  She was worried that he would reach out to me and that I wouldn’t know the truth.  She was protecting me.  All I can think is no WONDER Married One #2 was looking so sick to his stomach the other night.  He wasn’t worried about his wife, he knew that his friend was lying.

I went from about 100 degrees of High to 0 degrees of low in all of 3 seconds.  I’d put it out there in the Universe and this is what happens??  I wonder if this is what MY ex did to meet and hook up with women?  Did he tell them he was single?   Did his friends look smug or did they look uncomfortable?  Doesn’t matter now of course but I saw first hand just how easy it is for these men to troll – if they want to.

The year is young, and I’ll continue to “put it out there” but it was a good lesson for me to learn early on.  We have to look out for each other, it’s a much different Universe these days.

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Putting It Out There In The Universe – – –

My favorite workout instructor is also my favorite masseuse.  She’s from Argentina – very Latina – and so fun to be around.  Yes, she kicks our butts in workout, but you don’t seem to mind.  She’s a positive, upbeat and inspiring woman.  When you get on her table for your massage, it’s life altering.  That also makes appointments with her very hard to score.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend had to cancel his 90 minute massage due to the flu.  I jumped on the chance to be a “fill in” for his allotted time.  After arriving and preparation, I thought we’d get down to the business of soothing my aching muscles – that was only partly true.  Alejandra decided that we needed to talk about my “singleness” and what I was doing about it.  Hmmppfffff!!!    As if it’s that easy?

She proceeded to instruct me on how to “put things out there in the Universe” and questioned me on what I was looking for in a man.  I figured it couldn’t hurt so I began to site traits that I thought were important for my life partner.  Now admittedly the older I get, the more certain I become that there are some things out there you might hope for that are just not going to happen.  However, remember, I’m a dreamer so why not put it out there – just in case?   She believes you have to “say it out loud” for it to happen.

It wasn’t but a few days later while out to dinner with some girlfriends that a group of four men and one woman were seated next to us in the restaurant.  We were almost done with our meal, they were just starting.  One thing leads to another and we begin talking between the tables.  Eventually we scoot our chairs over to join in the group.  The men are old college buddies visiting for a ski trip, the woman is a single friend of one of them who is joining them for dinner.  Of the four men, two say they are married, two say they are single but none seem to be involved with the single woman, just friends.  Information is exchanged and for the first time in several years I begin to think maybe Alejandra is right that things happen when you say them out loud!

My next installment will continue with what happened next but until then, I’ll share a post with you that one of my staunchest supporters shared with me.   Thank you Diva J – I hope my readers who are “looking” will take heart.  See below and happy “dreaming” of what could be . . .