suddenlysinglewomen

Surviving the unwanted divorce

The ABC’s of Divorce . . .

Just back from a lovely weekend where my eldest son proposed to his GF, and surprised her with all the family from “both sides” joining in after for the surprise celebration!  After a sunset proposal on a sailboat, they arrived at the restaurant where we were all waiting.  After much flash photography with the requisite hugs and tears, we settled into our seats – 15 strong, in the middle of the restaurant.

Her parents have been married more than 40 years with three adult children and a grandchild on the way.  They were all there with their spouses and significant others.  I was there with my younger son and daughter in law.  And of course, the Ex and Mrs. Ex.   A most happy occasion that brings with it some emotional challenges.

Flying home Sunday I was full of happy thoughts of upcoming “new beginnings” and sad thoughts of “what might’ve been” if I had made a love match.  What comes from those thoughts leads to today’s post – – – The “ABC’s” of Divorce.   Abandonment, Betrayal and Change:

1)  Abandonment – You feel abandoned, scared, left alone to tackle the world by yourself.  “By yourself” was never part of the deal, we were supposed to be a team.  We were supposed to be “happily ever after”.  Even if not always “happily”, surely “ever after”?  Not so much.  It was more like . . . until the next best thing comes along.  We are a “disposable” society and wives are easily disposed of, too easily if you ask me – but no one did.

Thinking of abandonment makes emotions run high.  I work with two animal rescue groups, and we see abandoned animals all the time.  We are appalled by what people do to these poor defenseless creatures who cannot take care of themselves.  We get up in arms, we get vocal, we advocate for their rights and try to find them a better life.  But who advocates for a woman who gets abandoned by a man?  Who gets up in arms and vocal for us?  Who takes us in and cuddles with us and promises that everything is going to be all right?

2)  Betrayal – Ahhhh, the betrayal . . . the way it feels in your heart and soul when you realize all those promises meant nothing.  To be betrayed by the one person who had taken vows, an oath if you will, to love and protect, honor and cherish and be true to . . . well, you get the drift.   Whether it’s from infidelity or not, a divorce is a betrayal of everything that you thought was promised to you on the day you wed.

I know that the men think they can be just as betrayed by women, but for the sake of this blog, it’s about the woman being betrayed.  That promise gets broken and your heart hurts.  There’s an emptiness inside where once lived hope and dreams, and that emptiness stings.  For me this past weekend, it was having to “put on the brave face” and act like every moment I had to be around the Ex and Mrs. Ex wasn’t the feeling of betrayal in the extreme.  The celebration of our children’s future was supposed to be something WE shared together.

3)  Change – Change is inevitable.  Change can be good.   Change is something divorce forces on you whether you want it or not, yes?  Your life will change and this has nothing to do with money or status or quality of lifestyle.  It has everything to do with how you see your new world and how you chose to live in that new world.  Change is something that you live with every single day even when everyone else’s life around you moves on without you.  I’ve always said that I don’t necessarily want anyone’s pity, I do not want to be a victim.  What I do need however is just the acknowledgment every once in a while that people understand that sometimes it’s just difficult.  It’s hard.

And it was hard this weekend being around the “happy” and not longing for what “might have been”.  It was hard having to deal with who sits where, who says what etc.   I suppose we’re just like every other family having to deal with the awkwardness of divorce.   So I’ll continue to mind my “P’s and Q’s”, and learn my “ABC’s” – and press on!

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A Good Laugh To Start Your Week From Friend “Diva J”!

http://m.tickld.com/x/the-difference-between-men-and-women

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The “Match” Game – OR – Entertaining Yourself The Hard Way . . .

So . . . the dating website saga continues.  I’m beginning to think that this is some form of really weird entertainment?  Like an “outta” body experience that surely must be happening to someone else and not me.  This is what dating at a certain advanced age is really going to be like?

 

After my four hour dinner with the “Sailor”, who seemed to enjoy it and texted a couple of times from Miami, he went “radio silent”.  POOF!!  I’m starting to not be surprised by this behavior and learning that it’s not really MY fault that they act one way and think another.  Then last Friday night he texts to see how my day is going and asks about the horse show he knows my barn is participating in.

 

Since he had texted me a photo of himself with the sailboats in Miami, I texted him a photo of myself with a “barn buddy” from the horse show grounds where we were attending a jumper event.  He did text back . . . but the content of his text was asking about the lady I was with.  Seriously??  Now it’s my turn to go radio silent, and delete him from the “favorites” on the website.

 

Two others from the dating site who “favorited” me, liked my profile, and conversed through the site’s email have now also gone radio silent.  They express interest, converse, flirt then disappear.  Hey, I had that for 30 years, I don’t need to pay for it, LOL!!  And the truly weird thing is that you can see when (and whom) reads your profile.  Why the heck do they keep reading it?  I am NOT evolving!

 

Last night I met another “I’m interested in you” for drinks – the “Home Builder”.   Again, at a restaurant at 7:30.  I’ve wised up.  I ate a small meal around 5:30-6:00.  Good thing, but at least this one paid for my glass of wine and didn’t stand there waiting for me to get my own.  After a couple of hours, it was time to go and he escorted me to my SUV.  Very gallant behavior and not the norm!  Then he took my hand to thank me for meeting him and as I said thank you back I noticed the “incoming” lips.  ARGH!#$%&(?|$#@!  I HATE THIS!!!!!!

 

He’s already texted today that he enjoyed meeting me and would like to get together again IF I’m of the same mind.  I realized I hadn’t even told him my last name – I think I must be steeling myself every time I meet a new one to have them just move on.  Why give away valuable info??  My conversational skills are definitely getting some practice but the personal info is on lock down.

 

Sunday night I may be meeting one for dinner however I’ve not heard back from him since he offered.  When we shared what parts of town we lived in, and the favorite restaurants in the area, he intimated that the ones I listed were a bit mundane and “been there/done that” already.  He lives downtown in a loft.  Guess he moonlights as the “Food Critic” – only time will tell.

 

Then Tuesday I’m having lunch with an older gentleman, I do have my age restrictions but this one is as a favor to a friend.  We visited briefly on the phone and the “Gentleman” asked for a lunch date.  He sounds very polite, but when he asked for my address to pick me up my ears started ringing.  I’m so used to “meeting them there” with the web dating that I actually forgot for a moment that this is a “friend of a friend” and he’s probably OK to get into a car with – ha ha!  The things we have to fret about . . .

 

I’m not really sure how much more of this I’m game for.  They say you have to put yourself out there, they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs (hey, I don’t really wanna kiss ANY of them so far but . . .) however my charm school etiquette is getting stretched pretty thin like a bad facelift, and if I do believe in searching for that spark of chemistry –  maybe I just need to buy some test tubes, bunsen burners and chemicals.  High School Science anyone?

 

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