Becoming the best version of yourself

The ABC’s of Divorce . . .

on April 23, 2014

Just back from a lovely weekend where my eldest son proposed to his GF, and surprised her with all the family from “both sides” joining in after for the surprise celebration!  After a sunset proposal on a sailboat, they arrived at the restaurant where we were all waiting.  After much flash photography with the requisite hugs and tears, we settled into our seats – 15 strong, in the middle of the restaurant.

Her parents have been married more than 40 years with three adult children and a grandchild on the way.  They were all there with their spouses and significant others.  I was there with my younger son and daughter in law.  And of course, the Ex and Mrs. Ex.   A most happy occasion that brings with it some emotional challenges.

Flying home Sunday I was full of happy thoughts of upcoming “new beginnings” and sad thoughts of “what might’ve been” if I had made a love match.  What comes from those thoughts leads to today’s post – – – The “ABC’s” of Divorce.   Abandonment, Betrayal and Change:

1)  Abandonment – You feel abandoned, scared, left alone to tackle the world by yourself.  “By yourself” was never part of the deal, we were supposed to be a team.  We were supposed to be “happily ever after”.  Even if not always “happily”, surely “ever after”?  Not so much.  It was more like . . . until the next best thing comes along.  We are a “disposable” society and wives are easily disposed of, too easily if you ask me – but no one did.

Thinking of abandonment makes emotions run high.  I work with two animal rescue groups, and we see abandoned animals all the time.  We are appalled by what people do to these poor defenseless creatures who cannot take care of themselves.  We get up in arms, we get vocal, we advocate for their rights and try to find them a better life.  But who advocates for a woman who gets abandoned by a man?  Who gets up in arms and vocal for us?  Who takes us in and cuddles with us and promises that everything is going to be all right?

2)  Betrayal – Ahhhh, the betrayal . . . the way it feels in your heart and soul when you realize all those promises meant nothing.  To be betrayed by the one person who had taken vows, an oath if you will, to love and protect, honor and cherish and be true to . . . well, you get the drift.   Whether it’s from infidelity or not, a divorce is a betrayal of everything that you thought was promised to you on the day you wed.

I know that the men think they can be just as betrayed by women, but for the sake of this blog, it’s about the woman being betrayed.  That promise gets broken and your heart hurts.  There’s an emptiness inside where once lived hope and dreams, and that emptiness stings.  For me this past weekend, it was having to “put on the brave face” and act like every moment I had to be around the Ex and Mrs. Ex wasn’t the feeling of betrayal in the extreme.  The celebration of our children’s future was supposed to be something WE shared together.

3)  Change – Change is inevitable.  Change can be good.   Change is something divorce forces on you whether you want it or not, yes?  Your life will change and this has nothing to do with money or status or quality of lifestyle.  It has everything to do with how you see your new world and how you chose to live in that new world.  Change is something that you live with every single day even when everyone else’s life around you moves on without you.  I’ve always said that I don’t necessarily want anyone’s pity, I do not want to be a victim.  What I do need however is just the acknowledgment every once in a while that people understand that sometimes it’s just difficult.  It’s hard.

And it was hard this weekend being around the “happy” and not longing for what “might have been”.  It was hard having to deal with who sits where, who says what etc.   I suppose we’re just like every other family having to deal with the awkwardness of divorce.   So I’ll continue to mind my “P’s and Q’s”, and learn my “ABC’s” – and press on!


3 responses to “The ABC’s of Divorce . . .

  1. Farris says:

    I completely understand this! I keep wondering when it will get easier. At least I know I am not alone.

    • You are never alone, my journey of healing and recovery, and just writing this blog has brought me such support from friends and total strangers. I may never meet you all face to face, but know that we are out there experiencing the same things and wondering how we got here?

  2. Jinx Chiles says:

    I know how you feel….have for 28 years. We always have to “pretend” & put on a happy face every where we go, or people will not want to be around you; however,…. then they have no idea how lonely and sad you really are, so no one is there to have compassion for you and feel that you are loved by someone. This happens even with family. I know how we all feel…. and I do have compassion for all of us. I try to focus on the spiritual of this earth, rather than on what others can or will do for us.. Jinx Chiles

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