suddenlysinglewomen

Surviving the unwanted divorce

When You Fall Outta Love – –

Yes, I admit it, I love to watch the chick flicks.  The ones where they fall IN love and live happily ever after.  I used to believe that actually existed for me and the majority of our friends.  Now I wonder if our parent’s generation is the last to stay together?

You remember that rush you felt when you had that supreme crush on the new guy?  It could be middle school, high school, college – even now.  Your adrenaline pumps, your heart goes piddy pat, your palms get sweaty, you fumble your words . . . . you remember??  You wonder if he’ll feel the same way?  You wonder if he even notices you?

Once your relationship/marriage starts to fall apart, the feelings you get are more closely related to a kick in the gut.  You’re breathless, but only because your life if falling into this tailspin and you have no idea how to stop it.  You’re falling OUT of love.  Do you remember when you first realized it was happening to you?

I do.  It’s oh so clear in my memory bank.  My son was home from college on spring break, my ex had just returned from another one of his over seas trips (for business) and I was working in his office filing papers.  I had the fun job of organizing receipts and matching them to credit cards, separating business from personal – etc.  When he had been getting ready to leave on this particular trip, I did what I did a lot – I hid a card in his briefcase.  I was trying oh so hard to get the “rush” back into our love.

As I was sorting things, I saw the card.  I flushed with excitement.  He generally tossed out anything that wasn’t “important”, but he had kept it this time.  I thought this was a great sign!  Right?  Well . . . .

It would have been great if it had been MY card.  Instead it was a card from a young woman who we knew from a restaurant that we frequented.  She had it mailed to his hotel over seas.  He had kept it, not mine.  Mine had been sweet, gushy and loving.  Her’s was, shall we say, provocative?  The awful gut wrenching feelings that had hit me two years earlier when I found out about the first affair came back with twice as much power because this time I knew what I would have to face down the road.

It was starting over, and I began to fall into a very large black abyss.  Falling out of love – it’s a downer and there are no parachutes.

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When Your “Friend” Foundation Shifts – – –

During the divorce process, heck – even way before when things were so tense in my marriage due to the adulteries and the lies and deceptions, there were friends I knew would always be there for me.  They were the “real deal”.  They were my “Friend Foundation” – my rocks.  So when the divorce was done, and I was trying to put the pieces of my life back together, it was to those friends that I turned.  Natural, right?

Not so fast.  Several weeks ago I received an email from one of those “real deal” friends who DID stick around.  She had seen this on a blog site and thought it sounded like my personal circumstance.   I’ve copied it below.  Read it and see if it strikes a chord in you like it did in me:

     It was only weeks into my divorce when an IM popped up from a friend on my computer screen. I’d finally written        as openly as I could on my blog about what was happening—why I’d moved into my parents’house with my child, removed my husband’s name from Facebook, why I was no longer wearing a wedding ring. My friend’s words popped up on my screen.

“I’m not sure what happened,” she wrote. “But I want you to know I am on your ninja squad.”

Ninja squad? I hadn’t even realized I needed that. But I needed that. What I found was my circle of support was shifting quickly. People I believed were my rocks were questioning me, slipping away. Others surprised me by stepping in closer. Seeing the circle around me as ninjas—stealthy, smart, skilled, in sync—helped me to decide who I wanted to be at the ready when I was sparring or when I was silent.

I love the way she puts it, her Ninja Squad!  I thought I had a large Ninja Squad.  Turns out I didn’t.  For whatever reason, there are going to be many people who disappoint you when you go through a divorce.  Friends and family members who you thought would always be your “go to” people, will drift away and will no longer be a part of your inner circle.  You become inconvenient and their easiest way to handle it is just walk away.

I now have a small Ninja Squad, CS who sent this to me is one of them.  They’ve surrounded me in my times of need and enveloped me with unconditional love and hugs.  Be prepared for the loss of those you thought were real friends, but get ready to revel in the knowledge that there are some “real deal” friends out there and they will surprise you!   Embrace them, tell them thank you and when you get the chance someday, return the favor – because now you know what it means to have a foundation friend!

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