suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Thoughts For A New Decade #8 – – –

I have the right to express my needs honestly

“Honestly” – that’s an interesting way of putting this thought.  Does not doing it honestly mean you alter those needs because no one around you is going to help fulfill those needs unless you make it easy for them?  Or does it mean you alter your needs to fit their needs, their timing, their opinions of your needs?

Doesn’t it really just mean to be yourself, take care of yourself, and if you need something more from a family member, a friend, a partner you are honest in opening up to them?

My Father used to say that honesty is the best policy.  Bet you heard that one too when you were growing up and learning to be your own person.

If those that you surround yourself are too busy filling their own needs to concern themselves with any of yours, maybe it is time to alter the way you seek to fulfill your personal needs with those same people.  Maybe they are just totally unaware that you need a bit more attention.

And perhaps if you make decisions about those close to you without giving them the opportunity to learn of your needs, and your frustrations, it’s being unfair to them.   Or maybe you need to seek out a more caring and thoughtful group of people to be around.

This one is a tough one.  Lately I have begun to be more vocal in the things I need, seek, in friends and family.  If something bothers me, I’m trying to be more “honest” and open about it, JUST IN CASE those friends and family do not realize.

And then . . . if they chose not to care, I have my answer.

 

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Thoughts For A New Decade #7 – – –

“I have a right to my own feelings”

See #5!   Ha!  JK!

There are alot of similarities, but I think feelings tend to go a bit deeper than opinions.

Feelings can give your emotions a real roller coaster ride.

Any feelings can change at any given moment.  I can be “feeling” really down, and then something really cool happens and the dreary just vanishes.

And vice versa . . .

One of the mantras of my book was having the right to your own feelings.  I also shared how much I detested it (is that too strong?) when people would tell me to just “move on”.  Like . . . really?

We’re all going to have personal feelings that others do not agree with, or understand.   Lest you judge, I’m pretty sure we’ve all been guilty of wondering why/how someone can be so caught up with their emotions and feelings and cannot get over it.

Time, patience, empathy – that’s what you really need, or need to offer.  You have a right to your own feelings, you feel me?

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Day 3 Of “Complying” —

Just saw this on FB and had to share.

Please stay safe out there everyone.  Use your best judgement and we can flatten that curve!

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Thoughts For A New Decade #6 – – –

“I am responsible for my own happiness”

Seriously, how many times have I shared this?  It’s so incredibly simple to grasp, yet hard to put into practice.

Things go wrong, you rant and rave, you question your sanity, your faith, your family and friends . . .

Who’s to blame?  Why do we need someone or some thing to blame?  I’m guilty – I admit it.  Don’t like it, but there it is.  I play the “blame game”.

Sometimes life puts you in a situation that you didn’t ask for, you do not deserve, and is not fair.

How do you get through those times?  Inner strength and being responsible for yourself.   I didn’t ask to be a single woman at this stage of my life.  Yet I have learned to embrace this speed bump in life, and find my inner peace.  I strive every day to be responsible for my spirit’s happiness.

I rise above!

When I was at my lowest post divorce, I knew I had to take charge of my own life, my own recovery and my own happiness.   I found a group of friends.   I wrote.   I learned to blog.   I wrote and published a book.  I blogged some more.  I found new friends, activities, goals.

None of this would’ve happened if that speed bump in my life had not happened.

Embrace your speed bumps as an opportunity to be responsible for your own happiness.  It’s there.

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Thoughts For A New Decade #5 – – –

“Nobody has to agree with me”

In this year of an “election”, boy is this something that resonates on a daily, even hourly basis.  Remember the old rule, don’t talk politics or religion at the table?

How can we help it?  It’s in our face  ALL. DAY. LONG!

It’s to the point of having to “pause” the posts on some of my FB friends (are you wondering if it’s you?); it’s gotten really really ugly.  How can it not?  Look at the example that is being set by leadership.  If they can sling mud 24/7 on the national media, why can’t we?

Because it’s exhausting and just plain rude behavior.  What ever happened to kinder, gentler?

Well, JMHO but it’s really OK to accept that nobody has to agree with you.   It’s your opinion, you have a right to it; I have an opinion too, but please don’t try to change mine.   We don’t have to agree, but the ugliness really needs to stop.

I’m OK you don’t agree with me, you don’t have to.   But I will pause you . . .

 

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Thoughts For A New Decade #4 – – –

“I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others”

See #3.   ; -)

Seriously, isn’t that what we do when we’re young?  When we’re dating?  When we’re married and then becoming parents?  When we’re planning things with people?

I was/am great at this.  It is the way I was brought up to be.  My Mother was a master at this, and I learned from her very well indeed.  Call it Southern, call it Texan, call it anything you want – I thought of everyone else before I thought of me.

There are times I really miss, as a single person, not having that opportunity to anticipate those needs, especially of family.   So now instead, I employ that particular skill set in my volunteer work, or when planning things with friends.

Sometimes I’ll take a step back and think that others will fill that void, you know, if I’m not doing it then surely they will?  Uh . . . no!

Solution?  Be happy fulfilling your dreams and your needs and let others take care of themselves.

Over the past couple of years I’ve really scaled back.  I’ve released myself from the self imposed obligation to take care of, and anticipate, the needs of others.   Does that make me selfish?  I don’t really think so.  Have they noticed?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But boy do I have alot more time these days to do the things I dream about.

 

 

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Thoughts For A New Decade #3 – – –

“it’s not my job to take responsibility for others”

What “others” are we talking about here?   Guess it depends on your age, and the time of your life.

As a younger Mom, sure, I took responsibility for the actions of my two sons.  That’s a natural.  Luckily they didn’t get into too much trouble . . . that I found out about?  But now, they’re grown men, with families of their own – and certainly I feel no need to be responsible for their lives (unless of course you want to tell me how brilliant they are, or what great fathers they are – then, well maybe?)

As a young wife, I did many times feel responsible for the things we did “as a couple”, commitments made, events attended, lives impacted.    His actions were a reflection on me, and vice versa – that’s alot of pressure to take on.  As time went by, I realized, I was NOT responsible for his actions and toward the end of the marriage it was a relief to have validation from friends, family and peers that the actions he chose were not a reflection on me.

The older I get, the older we all get, we understand that we are responsible for one person here on earth – ourselves.  Want to see who you should think about when you’re making decisions?  Grab a mirror and start there.  Of course there are ancillary “re-actions” to the actions you take that will trickle down.  And when that happens?  Step up and be accountable.

Wha’dya think?

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Happy 8th Anniversary For “Suddenly Single Women”!!

Enjoy your day!  I can’t believe it’s been 8 years for the blog but you all keep me inspired Every. Single. Day!

Embrace those you love, and those who love you and just leave all the rest in the dust!

Sending you all much love and appreciation today, my happiness is a direct reflection of your support!

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Thoughts For A New Decade #2

“It’s OK to say no”

It really really is.   When I was younger and starting out in that “time of life” where I had retired from teaching and was a “stay at home” Mom, I became a volunteer.  My husband was with an accounting firm and the wives (yes, sexist but at that time there weren’t THAT many women in accounting) were encouraged, strongly, to become a force in the volunteer, charitable, non-profit world.

It’s all about client development and networking.  What better way for a member of a firm, to meet potential clients, than through the relationships the spouse has on a social level?  Throw in the “do good” work and it was a win-win.

I had a mentor (thanks CS) help me, and began to get involved.   REALLY involved.  I found that I had a certain proclivity for being able to organize events and raise money.  With a successful event, came the opportunities (and “asks”) to  become involved with even more events.  Over my really active years, I was chairing a major fundraiser event, one  per year.  My first volunteer “job” started in earnest in 1984/85.  I was ripe for the pickin’.

That soon evolved into sitting on Board of Directors, Executive Committees and Capital Campaigns of some of those same non-profits.  I enjoyed it.  I felt appreciated and needed.  During that period, my sons were growing up and seeing that it was good to give back.   They became involved in some of my activities as well, and saw the value of “giving back”.   They also learned that time management is a skill.

I had a good run, but have now really cut back to only a few groups that I am most passionate about.   I’ve passed the torch, and I’ve learned “It’s OK to say no”!  It really really is.

This even drifts down into your personal life.   If a family member asks you if you’re available and you are not, then just say no.  There’ll be other opportunities.   If a friend asks you to do something that you really don’t have to time to commit to, and you’ll really regret saying yes to, then be brave, it’s OK to say no.

It’s your life, it’s your time, and you’ve earned the right to think of your time as valuable.  35 years later, I’ve made the most amazing friendships through my volunteerism, and I’d like to think I’ve done some good.  But now I also know it’s OK to say no.

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Thoughts For A New Decade – – –

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It’s been a while since I offered thoughts in a “series”, so when I found this above, it seemed like it just spoke to me about taking good care of myself.   Hope you feel the same as we tackle this one by one over the next fews posts.

Starting with the first thought:

“Its Not My Job To Fix Others”

When did we start to think it was?  Was it when we began to be entitled enough to think that we knew it all?  I’ve witnessed some amazing changes over the newer generations thinking that it had to be “my way or the highway”.  There’s a reason it was labeled the “ME” generation.

We didn’t want to “hurt their feelings”.

For me, I plan to really focus on working to make myself, and only myself, the best version of “myself”.   It is NOT my job to fix others, or expect them to fall inline with how I chose to live my life.  Neither is it their job to fix me.

“Can’t we all just get along”?  Clearly if you listen to the news media, we cannot.  I think if we focus on making ourselves the best version of ourselves, we could take huge steps toward the possibility of a kinder and gentler mankind.

I plan to be WAY more accepting in this next decade, and hope that you will indulge me in my efforts to live and let live.

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