suddenlysinglewomen

Surviving the unwanted divorce

Giving Thanks Tomorrow? Me Too . . .

Happy Thanksgiving to all my followers and web searchers!  At this time of the year, I’m reminded that I have many blessings and many things and people and situations to give thanks for.

Though I’ll run out of letters before I can cover them all, here are a few of my thoughts!

T  –  is for the thanks I give for the most wonderful attorney in the world, during the YOTD!  Love you WB!

H  –  is for the happiness I feel every day to no longer live with someone who always criticized everything.

A  –  is for applauding all those women out there making new starts and showing that they’re strong.

N  –  is for never having to try to change myself just to make someone else love me more, doesn’t work.

K  –  is for kicking myself into gear to move through and past the YOTD into a more fulfilling life.

S  –  is for simply beginning to enjoy my own company, understanding that it’s OK to be on my own.

G  –  is for the guts it took to stand up for my rights, and my self during the process of divorce.

I  –  is for interesting things I learned “after” the YOTD and putting all into perspective.

V  –  is for the victory of finding out that winning isn’t everything, it’s how you play the game that counts.

I  –  is for the integrity that I showed my sons that they as men can and should live by.

N  –  is for not losing hope that there is a reason for this journey and it will one day be made clear.

G  –  is for GREAT friends and family who stuck with me, no matter the pressure.

Sending out blessings to you and yours for the holiday season coming!

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A Bit Of Humor For A Monday – – –

0        OK – OK – I know this is irreverent but a dear sweet friend who follows my blog sent this to me and I just couldn’t resist a little bit of humor for a Monday.  Thanks KO!!

I promise you this is shared with you totally tongue in cheek, because even though infidelity was ultimately the “beginning of the end” for my 30 year marriage, there are always multiple things that go “wrong” and at least two sides to every coin, right?

The further the distance grows between the marriage and my new single life, the clearer some things become when I really look long and hard.  Sometimes it’s too uncomfortable to look back and try to dissect all the things that went wrong, or to acknowledge all the warning signs that were there.  Closing your eyes is easy.

We all deal with difficult things in different ways.  My way was to try to “fix”, first myself, then the relationship.  It not only could not be fixed, but at that point it really wasn’t worth all the effort I put into saving a marriage that he had already “checked out” of.

I’d have done anything to spare my sons the pain and suffering of learning the truth about a man who preached ethics and morality and integrity, but chose not to live by those same things.   You reach a time however when the most important person you need to protect and take care of is just yourself.  It’s scary and frightening especially as we age to think about being alone, with no one around to help take care of us or guide us or hold us.

Take heart though, as I have learned, I am strong, I am resilient and so can you be.  Your divorce is not “The End”.  You will not know real freedom or feel true release until you try – and whether your love was interrupted by a slut like the above cartoon or not, be the better person and rise above it all.  The view up here can be pretty wonderful!

 

 

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“When Harry Met Sally” – A Classic, But Realtiy?

We all loved that movie.  I’ve watched it multiple times and even own the DVD.  You never know when you might want an uplift right?

But is that movie really based in reality, or is it just Hollywood wishful thinking?  They went from being friends, to having a sexual relationship, to being awkward friends, to falling in love and ultimately getting together (or so it’s implied and we “romantics” would like to think).

I was married for 30 years.  We were 22 and 23 when we got married.  He’d dated a lot and had many relationships, I had not.  When we were together, I had no trouble having fun conversations and sharing activities with men.  I was married, I was safe – there were no expectations.

I now feel very awkward thinking about having men friends.  And I don’t know about you, but I haven’t met many men who WANT to be friends with a single woman.  At my age, most single men are that way for a reason.  Talk about emotionally unavailable?  The last thing on their minds is wanting to have a woman “friend”.  They can have their pick of the litter and they know it.  We single ladies of a certain age?  Not so much!

Even if I have the opportunity to go to a night time event (remember, it’s a couple’s world) I generally refuse the invitation because I can’t find a nice male “friend” to be my companion.  And if there is one, they have no problem with you paying for that event ticket for the two of you.   Rarely is there a “Well hey, then let me take you to dinner!”   They think being seen in public with you implies they are “off the market” or “taken”.  Heaven forbid they should miss out on the next “flavor of the month” if they’re seen as part of a couple, or in a relationship.

If it does however turn into a sexual relationship, do you really think you can stay friends with that man after the intimacy (for whatever reason) is over?  I don’t think so.   You want a friend?  They want sex!  You then expect a relationship or monogamy?  They want space.

I guess this “Sally” just hasn’t met her “Harry” yet.

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Friends Who Are Married? OR Married Friends?

In Chapter Four of “With Or Without A Man” there’s a brief mention of “Married Friends” quoting:

   “I have a number of married friends.  Sometimes I get together with them, just as a couple, and sometimes I bring my married and single friends together.  It all depends on the activity, what we’re going to be doing.

The old adage “Two’s company, three’s a crowd,” or the phrase “the fifth wheel,” are relics of the past.  Many single women have found friendships with couples to be rewarding.”

Well – she’s a lucky girl!

I don’t know about you, all situations are different but I have found just the opposite.  I have many friends who are married, but when it comes to doing things with them as a “couple”?  Doesn’t happen.  Of course there are a precious few married couples from my “past” married life who I still see, but they are totally made up of couples where the wives’ were my friends first for many many years.

As to going out with them?  Not so much.  During the YOTD (Year of the Divorce), most of the couples that I considered really close friends fled from the chaos.  At a time when just an invite to meet them at the club or a restaurant for a quick bite would have meant SO much to me – they disappeared.  Perhaps they didn’t want to be seen as “taking sides?”    Was I wrong to be so hurt and so let down?  I’ve learned through the years that it’s a big mistake to assume that people will treat you the way that you would treat them in a similar situation.

Before my YOTD, I’d only had a couple of friends go through divorce.  However, I made a real effort to involve them in the things that we as couples had always done.  I made sure they didn’t sit home alone for dinner on their birthdays.  I checked in with them to see how they were doing and if there was anything I could do to help them through a painful time.

Have you had continued relationships with your “married friends” as couples or do you find it awkward to be the fifth person at a table for four?   Married couples hang out with married couples, you become the inconvenient friend.   Six years after the divorce I still miss the camaraderie I had with some of those couples but I’m learning to move on and let them go.

And to those couples who DO NOT mind hanging out with me??  Thank you from the bottom of my lonely heart.  You’ve earned a special place in that heart and you inspire me to keep moving forward.  I shall continue to “press on”!

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