suddenlysinglewomen

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Mar 26

Web Dating – You’re Not In Kansas Anymore Dorothy!

by suddenlysinglewomen
I know I have some married friends out there following my blog – I have two words for you . . . “stay married”, LOL!
Ok, Ok, I know – if you’re seriously unhappy or were married to an adulterer like I was then yes, it’s not worth it BUT – egad, this dating world is not for the faint of heart.
So to catch you up on my journey back into the dating via the web world:
1)  First “M&G” (meet and greet – because you and I don’t seem to rate a meal anymore?) was with “Berkley” – because that’s where he attended college and loves the “radical” persona.  We sat at a bar and ordered ice tea (note to self, follow their lead OR get there first an order tea just to be safe).  We chatted for two hours, he had to leave for a pre-arranged meeting with a manager of his business but said he really would’ve loved to have continued this over dinner.  He said we would meet again soon, he drives off.  I never hear from him again, but he just sent a “like” via the dating website that I seemed like a person he’d like to meet.    Uh . . . . we already have met dingbat!
2)  Second M&G – an older gentleman “Retired” who meets me for lunch after church.  He shows me photos of all the guest bedrooms in his country home.  You’ve heard of young people with an “old soul”?  This was an “old soul” in an “old person”.  Every move he made screamed “tired”.  Very polite but I think he knew that I was a bit too active for him, we never even exchanged contact info.
3)  Third M&G – this one offers to meet for dinner then allows me to pick the place.  We have a phone conversation before hand so a bit more “personal” then the internet.  I pick my favorite TexMex place, not expensive and very casual.  He arrives on time, we sit at the bar first (I arrive first and order a margarita AND pay for it – learning to make no assumptions here!!)  He doesn’t drink but has no problem with people who do.  He gave it up after a partying college career, likes to keep in top form for tennis.  Waitress offers to seat us for dinner, he agrees (whew!) and 3 1/2 hours later we’ve closed down the restaurant.  He asks if I like to dance, I eagerly say yes but that it’s been a while and I’m rusty.  He walks me to my car, smiles and says he’s great at knocking the rust off.  Sounding promising right??  Other than a couple of emails through the dating website talking about how busy he is, there’s been nothing more – no offers for dancing.  I must’ve double faulted somehow?
4)  Fourth M&G – We talk on the phone, we set up a meeting.  He suggests a restaurant near to both of us for a Tuesday evening at 7:00.  Kinda implies dinner to me . . . but I would be wrong.  I arrive, he’s already there.  He’s sitting in a booth with nothing.  This is a casual place where you go up to the counter to order.  He stands up, we introduce ourselves.  He’s still standing, I slide into the other side of the booth finally and say, “should we get something?”  He continues to stand and says he’s getting some ice water . . . warning bells go off in my head.  I smile and say that they have great lemonade here (as I gaze longingly at the bar full of wine bottles).  He continues to stand, I continue to sit, seriously is he waiting for me to get up and pay for my own lemonade??  He finally wanders off to the counter and asks for his FREE water and gets a glass for my lemonade.  He fills it up and comes back.  No offers of refills and zilch of a spark but hey, I was raised to be polite so I was.  After an hour I say I need to get home so he walks me to my car.  I mumble something about getting something to eat and letting out the dogs.  Next day I decide to be proactive and send a message thanking him for my lemonade, said I thought we were sharing a meal and was sorry I’d misunderstood.  Told him I didn’t feel any connection but wished him well in his search and to have fun on his upcoming family vacay!!  I immediately get a reply back that says, “Wow, reading your email and wondering what happened to the woman I met last night?  No connection?  That’s not what your body language was saying!”
SIGH!!!!  So much for being polite for a glass of lemonade . . .
5)  Fifth M&G – The “Sailor”.  We talk on the phone first, he seems really nice.  He picks a restaurant, we meet.  He arrives right on time.  I’m perched in the bar waiting – I’ve decided I want to be the one “on the look out” instead of vice versa.  Nothing screams “blind date” more than walking into a bar or restaurant alone and having to scan for someone who looks like a photo on a dating website that is 10-20 years old (the photo, not the date)!!  He arrives in a new Suburban – Love it!!  He had told me the night before what he would be dressed in – this is a man with a plan – Love it!!  We gab and gab.  He orders wine (whew!).  A woman passes out while walking by, he jumps up to help.  Later find out he’s a trained EMT and he stays with her till paramedics arrive – gallant – Love it!!  We leave and we’re the last two cars in Valet Parking.  He’s leaving the next day for Miami and sail boat racing but texts me while he’s gone.  This is looking good, right?  Enter radio silence.  Nothing from him since Saturday night and it’s now Wednesday.  No text, no call, no email through the website.  Has he sailed off into the sunset?
6)  Sixth potential M&G.  This one likes my profile, I like his profile.  He emails and gives me his name and cell number.  Says he’ll call on Sunday.  I wait, no call.  There is a late night text but by the time I get it, it’s too late to return.  Monday morning I find an email.  Says he’s re-read my profile and has found a serious bone of contention and feels he will not be able to meet me after all.  Horses!  Horses?  I’ve been dropped already and you haven’t even met me??  This is the all time new low.  That was until . . .
7)  This one was so tacky I had to cut and paste it here just so you could enjoy it.  The subject line cuts off in the website but I think after you read it you’ll get the drift.  Just for clarification, I did NOT reach out to this person, this was sent to me unsolicited.  I had not even read his profile as he’s a bit younger than me so it had not even popped up in the search category.
“Subject: Re: Wow all you hav

wow all you have is pictures of your family dogs ,horses, babies, and group pictures of your friends.Just so you know; Men want to see just you—they could care less about seeing dogs and horses and all that junk— it totally turned me away. (I know being honest will piss you off–but someone should tell you)”

 

Yep – Netfilx is still looking REALLY good . . .

 

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Mar 11

Match.com vs. Netflix.com

by suddenlysinglewomen

This past Sunday I was with a group of 8 fun ladies, most of us having met through our “Divorce Recovery” support group.  Not having a man thankfully no longer slows us down, or keeps us at home.  We attended an amazing art exhibit at the Museum and then settled in for dinner afterward.  Of course, the subject comes up – dating and men!

As previously noted, I have once again tried the “online” dating websites and was regaling the ladies of this past week’s “meets and greets”.  More on that in another post – sigh – I could do a stand up comedy routine on the exploits of my dating life . . . when did meeting at a restaurant at 7:00 stop implying a meal???

One of my blog “followers” (love you M.E.!) suggests that choosing to date these days could boil down to a priority choice . . . match.com or netflix.com.    She was opting for Netflix.  After my last week’s experiences, I’m tending to think the same.  I once had a man I was seeing tell me that dating hadn’t changed since we’d done it in our 20’s.  REALLY????  I beg to differ.

Out of the four M&G’s I had last week, three had never been married, the other one had been divorced almost 20 years.   I am here to tell you that dating HAS changed, and at this age, it’s both intimidating, exhausting and mostly demoralizing.  There are 3 or 4 of us for every available 1 of them.  They’re a valuable commodity and they know it.  One friend told me she had to go through a lot of loser’s before she found a nice one – I don’t know that I have the strength?

They prepare to meet you by swinging by the house and changing shirts, maybe!  We mostly prepare with a shower, change of ensembles, look in the mirror, change again, do our hair, apply new makeup, look in the mirror again, throw on the Spanx, feed the dog, check the DVR, leave a note where we’re going should we never come back and the police need a starting point in their search, call a GF on the way for morale support, tell HER where you’re going should you never come back, then arrive early so we can be seated when they show up vs. walking in and having to scan the room for a man who looks older than his posted pic all the while telegraphing to anyone else in the restaurant/bar that you’re on a “blind” date (if you can even call it a date?).  Am I right?

My moods toward dating swing high and low, back and forth and I can feel Netflix starting to edge out the competition.  Since my latest dating profiles are now about a month old, the winks and flirts and “yes’s” have started to dry up – I’m no longer the new girl on the block and the offers to meet have mostly stopped.

Yes, dating IS different, we no longer have our High School BFF to do her due diligence on the boy you have a crush on who then avoids you in the hallways if he’s not interested.  You’re bruised but you move on.  Nowadays we’re out there on our own, no one to run interference, dealing with men who troll the websites, message you then disappear, or worse, offer to meet you at a restaurant at 7:00 and offer to get you a glass of ice water . . .

Yup – Netflix is looking pretty durn good for this weekend.

 

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Mar 4

Dating – Sometimes It Just . . . . . . . (Fill in the Blank!!)

by suddenlysinglewomen

So I recently shared with you “putting it out there in the Universe” and that worked SOOOOO well – NOT!

Then a dear friend tells me she has a new BF, one she found on eHarmony.  So even though I’ve never had any luck on the dating websites per se, I think I’ll give it another shot.  I sign up for eHarmony.  The first week, I begin a conversation – via eHarmony site – with a (on paper) seemingly nice and interested gentleman.  He seems to meet my criteria.  He seems interested.  Then after a week of online repartee, he disappears – totally.  No more communication.  Gee – was it something I said?

Not to be dissuaded, I begin another online conversation with a nice and interested man, we get to the point that he says let’s communicate “outside” of the eHarmony website and gives me his real name, real cell phone number, real job and website and suggests to me that I “google him”.  I’m thinking, OK, he wouldn’t give me his stats unless he was interested . . . right?

One day later, after I’ve thanked him for his “trust”, he sends me a message that an old “relationship” wants to try again so he’s off the market and wishes me good luck.  I mean . . . seriously?  It’s really hard to keep the confidence level high when you can’t even get a “face to face”.  Believe me, I’m much better “in person” than over cyber space.

The next week, I decide to try “OurTime.com” – a website for the 50+ only, thinking once again that if they go to the trouble of filling out a profile and answering questions then they might actually be interested in meeting people?  Something about having to spend $$ to join makes you think they’re more serious.  Again, photos are “liked”, “flirts” are sent, conversations are started and all is plodding along swell until it gets to the point of actually setting up a “meet” – then the communications stop.  One begins to believe these are the “married” guys you here about that are only searching for some cyber space thrills but can’t really deliver themselves ‘in person”.

One offers to meet for coffee, or at least to get a rain check then when you accept the offer – poof.  Haven’t heard from him in two days.  And they say women “tease”?  !@#$%^&*?  But hey – I’ve paid for my month so I’ll keep it up but I’m not very hopeful.  I have included below another gift from my friend Diva J, which when you listen to it will lead you to believe that the men really DO want to meet and have a relationship.  Guess I haven’t found that website . . . yet!

http://seniorplanet.org/dating-relationships-sex-after-60-with-hal-spielman-and-marc-silbert/

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Feb 13

Putting It Out There In The Universe – Part “Deux”

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sooooo, where was I?

I’d had my massage, I’d put it out there “in the Universe” all those sterling qualities that I was looking for in the perfect partner (I say tongue in cheek!).

I was sitting at dinner when in walks a group of “age appropriate” males, the two tables start chatting . . .

Two of the men are married, two are not.  Married One #1 is chatting with and sitting next to the single female in their group.  She is the one that originally strikes up the conversation with our group and invites us to slide our chairs on over.  My chair is against the wall facing “out”, and also closest to their table.  From the moment they sit down, Single One #1 takes his seat closest to mine and never really scoots under the table – he faces outward totally willing to engage our table.

They go around the table introducing themselves, sharing where they’re from, that they were frat brothers reuniting for a ski trip and share with us their marital status.  So I’ll set it up for you.  There is Lynn, Single woman.  To her right is Married One #1 – they are friends.  When Single One #1 by me tells us he’s (Married One #1) married, he rolls his eyes and then adds “kind of”.   Hmmmm . . .

To the right of Married One #1 is Single One #2.  He has a place in the mountains where some of them are bunking.  He has that look of “player” about him, that devilish smile that says he’s just fine being in that position of “free”.  To his right is Married One #2.  He’s from Dallas, also has a place in the mountains and has the “deer caught in the headlights” look that says he’s happy to be out with his mates, but not happy to be that close to so many unattached females.

To his right is Single One #1 who is close to me.  He’s tall, owns his own business, in good shape, fun loving and charismatic.  He offers to buy us dessert then shares it with us.  He has a place in Denver and Santa Barbara.  I’m thinking that I owe Alejandra a really large tip next time I go in for a massage because this whole “putting it out there in the Universe” thing is pretty cool.  Look what just landed in my lap?

The whole time Single One #1 is flirting with me, Married One #2 looks like he’s about to implode.  I try to engage him into the conversation with talk of football, snow, work – something to make him more comfortable.  The more Single One #1 talks and flirts, the worse Married One #2 looks.   I’m thinking it’s kind of sweet that he appears so uncomfortable probably worried what the wife would think, yet he’s done nothing wrong.

When their meal comes, it’s time for us to leave.  Being the child of the 50’s that I am, (i.e. not comfortable being forward with men) I hand my contact info/card to Lynn, the single female because I’m just not quite brave enough to hand it to Single One #1 even though he’s made it pretty clear he’s interested.  If he wants the info bad enough, he’ll find me, right??  My friends and I leave the restaurant and I’m thinking 2014 WILL be my year.

Two days later I get a panic massage from one of the girls that had been with me at dinner.  Lynn, Single female from dinner, had just found out from Married One #1 that Single One #1 is NOT SINGLE.  Yup, bet you saw that coming didn’t you??  She was worried that he would reach out to me and that I wouldn’t know the truth.  She was protecting me.  All I can think is no WONDER Married One #2 was looking so sick to his stomach the other night.  He wasn’t worried about his wife, he knew that his friend was lying.

I went from about 100 degrees of High to 0 degrees of low in all of 3 seconds.  I’d put it out there in the Universe and this is what happens??  I wonder if this is what MY ex did to meet and hook up with women?  Did he tell them he was single?   Did his friends look smug or did they look uncomfortable?  Doesn’t matter now of course but I saw first hand just how easy it is for these men to troll – if they want to.

The year is young, and I’ll continue to “put it out there” but it was a good lesson for me to learn early on.  We have to look out for each other, it’s a much different Universe these days.

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Feb 7

Putting It Out There In The Universe – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

My favorite workout instructor is also my favorite masseuse.  She’s from Argentina – very Latina – and so fun to be around.  Yes, she kicks our butts in workout, but you don’t seem to mind.  She’s a positive, upbeat and inspiring woman.  When you get on her table for your massage, it’s life altering.  That also makes appointments with her very hard to score.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend had to cancel his 90 minute massage due to the flu.  I jumped on the chance to be a “fill in” for his allotted time.  After arriving and preparation, I thought we’d get down to the business of soothing my aching muscles – that was only partly true.  Alejandra decided that we needed to talk about my “singleness” and what I was doing about it.  Hmmppfffff!!!    As if it’s that easy?

She proceeded to instruct me on how to “put things out there in the Universe” and questioned me on what I was looking for in a man.  I figured it couldn’t hurt so I began to site traits that I thought were important for my life partner.  Now admittedly the older I get, the more certain I become that there are some things out there you might hope for that are just not going to happen.  However, remember, I’m a dreamer so why not put it out there – just in case?   She believes you have to “say it out loud” for it to happen.

It wasn’t but a few days later while out to dinner with some girlfriends that a group of four men and one woman were seated next to us in the restaurant.  We were almost done with our meal, they were just starting.  One thing leads to another and we begin talking between the tables.  Eventually we scoot our chairs over to join in the group.  The men are old college buddies visiting for a ski trip, the woman is a single friend of one of them who is joining them for dinner.  Of the four men, two say they are married, two say they are single but none seem to be involved with the single woman, just friends.  Information is exchanged and for the first time in several years I begin to think maybe Alejandra is right that things happen when you say them out loud!

My next installment will continue with what happened next but until then, I’ll share a post with you that one of my staunchest supporters shared with me.   Thank you Diva J – I hope my readers who are “looking” will take heart.  See below and happy “dreaming” of what could be . . .

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bj-gallagher/is-love-possible-late-in_b_454478.html

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Nov 13

“When Harry Met Sally” – A Classic, But Realtiy?

by suddenlysinglewomen

We all loved that movie.  I’ve watched it multiple times and even own the DVD.  You never know when you might want an uplift right?

But is that movie really based in reality, or is it just Hollywood wishful thinking?  They went from being friends, to having a sexual relationship, to being awkward friends, to falling in love and ultimately getting together (or so it’s implied and we “romantics” would like to think).

I was married for 30 years.  We were 22 and 23 when we got married.  He’d dated a lot and had many relationships, I had not.  When we were together, I had no trouble having fun conversations and sharing activities with men.  I was married, I was safe – there were no expectations.

I now feel very awkward thinking about having men friends.  And I don’t know about you, but I haven’t met many men who WANT to be friends with a single woman.  At my age, most single men are that way for a reason.  Talk about emotionally unavailable?  The last thing on their minds is wanting to have a woman “friend”.  They can have their pick of the litter and they know it.  We single ladies of a certain age?  Not so much!

Even if I have the opportunity to go to a night time event (remember, it’s a couple’s world) I generally refuse the invitation because I can’t find a nice male “friend” to be my companion.  And if there is one, they have no problem with you paying for that event ticket for the two of you.   Rarely is there a “Well hey, then let me take you to dinner!”   They think being seen in public with you implies they are “off the market” or “taken”.  Heaven forbid they should miss out on the next “flavor of the month” if they’re seen as part of a couple, or in a relationship.

If it does however turn into a sexual relationship, do you really think you can stay friends with that man after the intimacy (for whatever reason) is over?  I don’t think so.   You want a friend?  They want sex!  You then expect a relationship or monogamy?  They want space.

I guess this “Sally” just hasn’t met her “Harry” yet.

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Jan 10

Great Resource in Our Area – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

A great friend (thanks M.E.) forwarded me this information on an upcoming seminar in the Houston area.  I looked it over and although it’s not something I personally can use right now, it does look like it’s full of good working information if you’re just now entering into the process of getting a divorce.   Realizing that I have not attended it, nor know the persons presenting the information, I still like to share information for you to assess it’s value for your personal situation.  After all, we’re all in this together.

If you ever find information that you think my readers would benefit by, send it through the “comments” section and we’ll get it passed along.  Wishing us all speedy and happy recoveries!

http://www.guidetogooddivorce.com/?page_id=7

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Sep 14

“You Can Be Right, Or You Can Be Married” – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Saw this on a Yahoo blog and thought it a good thing to share with the followers!  Follow this link!

Or:  http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/8216-married-8217-lessons-marriage-learned-divorce-201700898.html

(Assuming I did the link correctly)  I thought this article had a lot of very valid points, and things to ponder.

One of the things that was “wrong” in my marriage was me remaining true to myself, being myself, and acting like myself.  When we first started dating, I was drawn to my spouse because he was the life of the party.  He was outgoing and gregarious and always up for a good time.  My prior BF had not been.  When my friends saw me with the new “guy”, they teased me about coming out of my shell, of no longer being a wallflower!

What they didn’t know was that in reality I had never been that wallflower, I had only acted like one to make the BF more comfortable.  I am, as those of you who know me well, an extrovert.  This new guy also seemed to be an extrovert and I thought we would have the times of our young lives together.  Enter reality.

After we married and settled into our careers and started to make life choices, imagine my surprise to find that his “outgoing-ness” had just been an act to survive college and the fraternity life.  He was happier working alone in an office all day, then coming home and retreating to his desk and work binders.  He didn’t want to go out, he didn’t want to have people over.  We didn’t take vacations and our social life revolved around his work requirements.

It’s so easy now to look back and realize that we were never that well suited, but at age 22 and 23 what did we know?  I was expecting him to be something that he was not comfortable, or able to be.  Then again, not to be too hard on myself, he was not the person that he presented to me either.

I will always believe that you should remain true to yourself, it’s just too big a burden to try to be something you are not to fulfill someone else’s expectations.  If it means separating, or divorcing, or staying single then so be it.  There is nothing wrong with the person that I am, and the same goes for you!  Love yourself, be true to yourself, and then just maybe the RIGHT guy might happen along who will love you “just the way you are”!

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Mar 19

SWF

by suddenlysinglewomen

While driving yesterday I heard a C & W song that refers to a “Single White Female”.  The personal ads list them as SWF’s.  Of course, divorce has no ethnicity boundaries so it could just as easily be SBF or SLF – the choices are endless.  However, it’s still a label.  And it’s so darned depressing at times.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the type of depressing that makes you wanna drive your car off the nearest cliff.   It’s the kind of depressing that sometimes makes you sound a tad desperate.  Do you know what I mean?

Have you wondered why when you fill out most applications these days that they want to know not just that you’re a “female”, they want to know your “status”.  They ask if you’re single, married, divorced, separated or widowed?  Except for that second choice, the others are pretty much “ALONE”!!!  What the heck difference does it make?

For a Dr’s office, maybe they want to make sure there is a “responsible party” – someone who can pay for their services – ok, makes some sense.  But the others?  Do we have to call attention to it?  You don’t think being divorced is bad enough but I have to let everyone else know that I’m a product of a failed marriage?  If you’re going to ask me for my status, can you at least give me a couple of blank lines to fill in that it wasn’t really my choice to be this age and single?  Don’t know why, it just rubs me the wrong way as if there’s really a big need for anyone to know why I’m NOT a married woman.

How about you??  Any thoughts??  What pushes your buttons??  Let us hear from you!

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Mar 4

Dating after Divorce

by suddenlysinglewomen

Does using the word “dating” at this age sound as creepy and archaic to you as it does to me??  To me, we need to come up with another term for what it is we’re doing.  Isn’t what we’re doing really “investigating” the possibility that we might find another person in this life to “make” a life with?

I used to believe in true love.  I used to believe in happily ever after.  I used to believe that wedding vows meant something.  I used to believe that my “dating” life was way over and done, had been for over thirty years.  I was wrong.  Now I’m divorced and wondering if I’ll ever be “in love” again.  Having been married to a serial adulterer, will I ever be able to trust a man again?  So many questions, so many doubts.

On top of the dating questions I have, now I have to also worry about diseases that didn’t exist in my world when last I dated.  I’m no spring chicken, but I’d like to believe that I could find some age appropriate men to date, to spend a pleasant evening with.  How sad that many of those age appropriate men are shopping “younger” – as my ex did.  They say your friends will be able to introduce you to eligible bachelors – but somehow my friends don’t seem to know any single men.  That leaves you with online dating services.  OMG – filling out profiles?  And don’t even waste your time with putting your parameters in place, no one pays attention to them.

Let’s suppose you do happen to find a date to spend some time with.  How many dates before his expectations of much more personal time spent together comes up?  Do we really have to think about being intimate with a stranger?  None of us have 20 year old bodies anymore, the thought of intimacy again can tie your stomach in knots and sends cold shivers down your spine.

Lastly, the men I’ve met recently redefine the phrase “emotionally unavailable”.  Fifty + year old men reliving their college frat boy party lives.  They’re tasting what they consider their “freedom” for the first time in twenty or thirty years and run at the first sign of stars in your eyes.  They use the word “love” cavalierly, promise to call you then disappear from your life and your call log for six months.  Seriously?

Netflix is looking pretty good right about now . . .

Dating after Divorce Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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