suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

To Grow, To Change, To Adjust?

Random thoughts?  Random words? Random order?

Sometimes my mind is a total blank when I sit down to write my blog posts; sometimes my cup runneth over and I have so many thoughts that I have to jot them down on sticky notes just to save them.  And yes, sometimes I go back and look at those sticky notes and say: “HUH?”

Today as I sit here thinking about the “title”, I realize how very different it reads if you just change the order of the words around.  For example:

To grow, do I first have to change the way I think and adjust to my life the way it is now?  I certainly cannot grow if I’m resistant to change and refuse to adjust.  Shouldn’t that be my goal – to grow emotionally, spiritually, mentally?

But what if I switch it around and say:

In order to change, I must first adjust my way of thinking/acting so that I can then grow to be a better, happier, emotionally healthier person.  If I’m always sad, and act poorly, surely that will change the way people think of me and act toward me?

To switch it once more and contemplate:

If I adjust my expectations of what my life will be, will I more easily grow into the fulfilled woman that I’d hoped to be making a course change along the way when things don’t go as planned?

Perhaps I’m just being too analytical and should approach it from the “crock pot” point of view  throwing all these in the pot, stir them up and let them cook together on low for 6-8 hours?  Or do they each deserve their own focus, and I handle them one at a time?

Of course I could take the Scarlett approach and “fiddle dee dee, worry about this tomorrow?”

After all, there are packages to wrap, pecans to candy, dogs to walk, cards to address, menus to change, holiday flights to adjust and visions of sugar plums to grow in my head . . .

 

 

 

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“It’s Never Too Late To Be Happy”? So This Article Says:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-colleary/why-midlifers-stay-unhappily-married_b_8281928.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

I know, I know – my moods and reflections on life swing back and forth about as crazy as a coiled up spring that’s been suddenly “sprung free”!  Go figure!  I think it’s due to my nature of always trying to find the positive, or live with hope?

If the article says it’s never too late to be happy, then of course we should believe it . . . right?  But it’s such a struggle at times.  Even though in the grand plan for my life, I’m sure there are valid reason’s why I’m alone right now, why none of the jokers I go out with work out, why I get to spend one more holiday season skipping parties because I hate going out alone.

I know deep down that I have many many blessings that the good Lord has granted me and I should sit back and rejoice in them.  I have two amazingly wonderful and successful sons, two daughter n’laws who adore them, and two beautiful healthy grand babies!!  I have two sweet rescue dogs who love me unconditionally and want nothing more than to be by my side 24/7.

Do you hear the operative number here?  Every thing in my life seems to revolve around the number two – except for a relationship with a “significant other”.  Do I need one to be happy?  Probably not, and at this point it’s looking like I better hope not.

At the end of the day though, I have to go back to those “three C’s” that I mentioned in a much earlier post.  “You didn’t cause it, you can’t change it and you can’t control it”.    Life happens and I may not like it – but I do have to learn how to deal with it.   I am alone right now through no fault of my own, and I’m much better off being single than married to a chronic adulterer, right?  If only being happy with being alone was easier . . .

 

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Oh So Lonely . . .

11755080_857285891027414_4806141563168382120_n  This photo really grabbed my attention – it is SOOO me!   I grew up watching my Mom do the same thing.  Always caring and worrying about everyone else, doing very little to take care of her own needs or keeping her own dreams alive.  My Dad’s dreams were therefore her dreams.

I remember once being very young, and finding my mother sitting in a darkened bathroom, perched on the edge of the tub, just sitting there crying.  It was scary for a little girl, not understanding but wanting to comfort.  Later on when I was older I realized she has just suffered another miscarriage in their attempt to bring a second baby into the family.  To this day it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed.   Silent tears and feeling that alone – I couldn’t imagine it nor understand it at my young age.

Now I get it.

My loneliness is a living breathing thing that I fight down, or attempt to, all the time.  Married couple “friends” hang out with “married couples”, it’s just what they do.  My single GF’s suffer the same as I do.  Don’t get me wrong, we do get together and try to help each other get through our lonely times – but just not the same as having your own “person”.  I so miss just holding hands with someone.

Humans need touch, we need people.  We were not built to be alone.  One of my biggest fears as I get older is that I will die alone.  The other day I lost a good friend to cancer, she had been battling it a long time but did it with such beauty and grace.  She had been a lifeline to me during the TYOTD, and was one that helped me hold it together.  She was my horse trainer and a gentle soul.  I would cry on her shoulder and she would offer gentle non-judgmental hugs whenever needed.  They were needed a lot that summer . . .

I never had to ask, she just knew I needed someone.  I don’t ever ask.  It’s wrong of me to assume that people will know I’m hurting, that I’m lonely, and I need them.  But I am like the photo above, always caring for others, trying to help others, and hiding from my own needs.  Can’t people see how hurt I am, how alone I am?  I mask it well, many years of practice and I learned from the best.

I’m so blessed that my Mom is still alive and almost 97.  She knows the “adult” me is here for her now, she doesn’t have to cry those silent tears.  And maybe someday soon I won’t have to either?

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A New Vocabulary Word – “Luv’yabut”

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That’s right – I’m now inventing words.   It’s been fun writing for my blog, getting my feelings out there, knowing that others are actually reading and listening to my thoughts.  It’s never been about getting you to necessarily agree with me, but just to listen.

I’m a very symmetric person – yes I’m the one that straightens paintings on the wall.  I alphabetize my spices, I load the dishwasher a certain way.  I like balance, evenness, routine – things and people I can count on.

In my writing I love alliteration, abbreviations and making up words that just seem to sum it all up.  Last night I had the “luv’yabut” epiphany.  It explains so many things about relationships.  Prior posts have generated comments on this blog about trusting animals more than trusting humans.  I know how that feels.  Hence the photo included above.  So true.

Back to the “luv’yabut” – it’s true definition would be along the lines of, “I love you but . . .” and then add the criticisms or demands.  No one ever just likes you for who you are, they want you to change into THEIR version of who you should be.  They want you to act the way THEY want you to act.

I love you but . . . I really wish you wouldn’t dress that way, wear your hair that way, do your makeup like that . . .

I love you but . . . I want you to do it my way because it’s better, faster, smarter, simpler, easier, cheaper . . .

I love you but . . . shouldn’t you be eating healthier, less sugar, more protein, veggies and fruit, working out?

I love you but . . . I don’t want to go on that trip, have dinner with that person, visit your parents . . .

I love you but . . . I don’t want you to be friends with that woman, buy a ticket to that event, enroll the boys in camp . . .

I love you but . . . that’s the stupidest idea you’ve ever had . . .

I had a lot of “luv’yabut” in my 30 years of marriage.   Now that I’ve been out of it going on 8 years, I look back and realize just how many times I capitulated because it was easier being his version of me, than my version of me.

I still make mistakes, and still do crazy things sometimes – but I own them.  Now I live my life for the “luv’yacauz”!  Hoping you do too!

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Grazing – It Isn’t Just For Equines!

I saw this comment the other day, and it made me laugh out loud!  YUP!!  So true!

Guys are like grazers, they like to “move on”!!!

Or more to the point?  They think the “Grass is always greener . . .”  Why is that?

I’ve had horses, after I would lesson and work them, then cool them down, I would take them out for hand grazing.  I figured after living a life in a 12′ x 12′ stall for most of the day, they deserved it.  You learn quickly that they like to try lots of different “spots” of grass.

You can lead them over to the greenest looking patch of clover and grass and NOPE!!  They tug that lead rope and keep on searching for a better spot.  Trust me, when a 1200 pound equine wants to move, you do too.

Most of the men I’ve “dated” have been the same.  Heck, my husband was the same.  They act like they’re happy, they tell you they’re happy and then BAM!!  They spot a better patch of grass.  I’m really curious what that feels like, to be able to graze for a while then just wander off with no regard of the devastation left behind.

Once I realized how often this is true, it actually helped me understand that it’s not me.  This is on them.  You can be beautiful inside and out, affectionate, smart, polished, loving, giving – doesn’t matter.  Men are grazers.  They change cars, they change jobs, they change women like yesterday’s underwear.  (Well ok, let’s hope they change yesterday’s underwear)

I don’t beat myself up over it anymore.  I know who I am and I respect the person I have grown into being “post” divorce.  If they don’t agree, then they can certainly graze in someone else’s pasture.  I’ll even show them the gate.  : -)

 

 

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Dating – The Old Fashioned Way?

I saw this a while back, but decided to hang onto it since I was SOOOOOO “over” dating.  I revisited it today along with other “ideas” that I had stored for future use.

Nothing has changed recently regarding my “alone-ness”.  If anything, the last POI (Person Of Interest) who became the POS (Person of  . . . well . . . you know), who then became a POI again since he surprised me with a visit while I was in my alma mater’s city for football, became a POS again for reasons that aren’t even worth wasting your time.

When I saw this article below I had to laugh.  When was the last time any of us had treatment remotely close to the suggestions below?   Who raised these men, and sadly forgot to teach them manners?  Or, what happened along the way to cause them to lose those manners if they were taught to them.

*** No Diva J, this is not for you, we all know you have the perfect “other” in your life! ***

But for those ladies “post divorce” and contemplating dating and putting yourself out there, read these habits and let me know if you’ve met anyone that shows signs of them . . .

. . . cause I surely haven’t.

10 Old Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Make Cool Again

If we don’t show some respect for ourselves, no man is going to.

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Over Think Things? Who Me??

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So the last time I tried posting a photo it didn’t work.  Well tarnation!  So I’m going to try again.  I’m thinking maybe I know the reason why it didn’t come through, so we’ll test it with this one!!

Hopefully you can see it – the photo is a beautiful sunset, or maybe even a sunrise, hard to know without perspective of which direction the photographer was facing.  I choose to call it a sunset – those are my favorites!!

The caption below the sunset reads, “When you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.  Relax, breathe, let go, and just live.”

Easier said than done.

I’ve been traveling a lot lately.  Earlier in September my eldest son got married in San Diego.  Beautiful place, San Diego.  Except that they broke heat records that had last been set in the 1800’s, and this was an outside wedding.  We gals from Texas know a thing or two about sweating . . . uh, sorry, . . . I mean “glowing”.  We were glowing for sure.  Lucky for me I had my hair professionally done, as well as my makeup.  Nothing short of a chisel and hammer was going to let my hair fall or my make-up run.  I had to “relax, breathe, and let go.”  Can’t control the weather.

Last weekend I traveled back to my home state and attended my college alma mater’s football game.  We are NOT having a stellar season.  I took along three friends who had never attended a college game in a stadium of this magnitude.   It seats 100,000+, it’s impressive.  We did not win but we came durn close.  For me to relax, breathe and let go while I’m so busy jumping up and down and yelling – is tough.  Control the outcome of the game?  Kinda like controlling the weather.  After all, you’re at the mercy of 18-20 year olds, and some REALLY bad refereeing.

And even though I swore off dating, I relented and a while back had a really nice time with a man that a friend introduced me to.  Tall, employed, nice looking, polite, well educated – could it be??  Travels a lot for his job so the second date came a mere three months after the first one, LOL!   I invite him to my house for dinner with other friends in town.  Goes great – he clearly does not want to go home.  Then he decides he might be interested in another person, so he goes away, but that person doesn’t work out.  So he tries to get back in the picture – but at first just by texting, then calling, then asking how the wedding was, then showing up at the football game weekend last weekend to “surprise” me – knowing that I had girlfriends with me.

Not exactly a way to have a good conversation with a person, to decipher his intentions.  But what I’m starting to remind myself of from day to day is I absolutely have no control over another person, how they act, what they say, who they see.  I cannot control the weather, I cannot control the outcome of a sporting event, and I sure as heck (not the word that first entered my mind) cannot control whether someone thinks I’m special enough to want to be with.

So maybe this weekend I can finally relax, breathe, let go and just live – that is until kick-off at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow!

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Laissez Les Bonnes Temps Roulez

I’ve always loved that phrase.  Being as close to the state of Louisiana as I am, I hear it a lot, most especially before, during and right after Mardi Gras.

“Let The Good Times Roll”!

Amen!

The older I get, the more I might be persuaded to let that phrase dictate my life’s adventures “post divorce”.  What do you think?

The bad times, when they roll, they roll over you and smush you like one of those big pieces of road working equipment rolling over new asphalt.  You get flattened.

So in my ongoing quest to be more “positive” and “move on” with my life, letting the good times roll seems a lot more fun than letting the bad ones smush.  (Spellcheck doesn’t like “smush” but I do.  After all, being from Texas, we smush a lot, mostly bugs – but you get my drift)

So as we approach a weekend in the heat of the summer I’m thinking we should all take on the Cajun attitude of “Laissez Les Bonnes Temps Roulez” and see what mischief we can get ourselves into.  Grab some friends, make a plan, shed the “negative” and let’s get this new attitude “rolling”!!  Wha’dya say?

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As A Follow Up To My Post About Picking Men Like You Pick Your Horses?

I just couldn’t resist adding this cute list of reasons to date a female who rides horses!!  Of course the real people who should see this aren’t followers of mine – but I thought you all would get a kick out of it just the same!!

Enjoy and have a fun holiday week.  Happy July 4th to all and be safe.

 

http://www.horsecollaborative.com/10-reasons-to-date-a-horse-girl/

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When Life Is Like The Movies?

I never saw the movie “Fifty First Dates”.  A rather silly premise that a woman has no memory of each “first date” with the same man, over and over?  Good thing that man must have a strong ego, wouldn’t you begin to wonder about yourself after being forgotten by the same person 50 times?

My dilemma?  I can’t seem to be remembered after the “first” date!!  Who gets fifty chances?  I wish there were exit interviews these men had to go through (with honesty – too much to ask for??) so we at least had some clue why there is never a “second” date?

There were a couple early on post divorce where there was more than one date, but those were long ago.  In that past 4-5 years, no “seconds”.  I suppose if my eating habits were like my dating I’d be really skinny!!

You have what you think is a lovely time.  You have many things in common, many subjects to talk about.  They say all the right things.  They suggest that we should “do this again”.  Afterwards, you’re feeling pretty good that you will see this person after the appropriate amount of waiting time.  You’re not suggesting wedding bells, you’re just thinking that next time you’ll share your favorite restaurant and your thoughts on some new topics of conversation.

After this first date, there may be a couple of phone calls, some flirty texts, a comment or two on your Facebook adventures.  Heaven forbid, there might even be a phone message wishing you a Happy Birthday.  When you next talk you share travel schedules, etc. but there is never the next “ask”, only suggestion . . . .    WHAT??

And they say women tease?  This is NOT Middle School.  I took myself off of the dating websites because they were a waste of time and completely about filling someone’s corporate pockets full of the money of lonely people trusting profiles filled out by total strangers.

If I went out again, it would just be with someone KNOWN by a friend of mine, or a suggestion of a colleague who knows my personality.  Safer right?

In my life that movie title certainly means something totally different.  So, as summer really begins to heat up, what is cooling down in my life is the desire to even try anymore.  As I’ve said before – Netflix is the way to go!

Maybe I’ll watch “Fifty First Dates” this weekend . . .

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