A dear friend, one of my first friends to “follow” my blog, sent me this the other day. (Thanks CS!) While it doesn’t speak to divorce “specifically”, I think it definitely covers ground that we all face after we divorce. When you want to try to be everything to everybody, you wear out. As a wife and a mother and a friend, I wanted to be there for everyone. It was exhausting. Now that I don’t necessarily have the time nor financial resources, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to give, give, give or feel guilty when I can’t. This article below gives us permission to take a break. Maybe it’s time to give yourself some of that compassion you used to give to everyone else. Take care of you!“You are a good person. It’s a long race. You are suffering from compassion fatigue.Of course you care about people, but has there been a time in history when people have been put under more pressure to be charitable? You go to the store to pick up a quart of milk and pass a homeless man with a sign asking for your help, then you have to pass by someone selling brownies for some charity outside the grocery store, and when you pay for your milk you are asked if you want to make a donation to MS. It’s a veritable attack of the charities.Not giving today does not mean you want the homeless man to starve, the Girl Scouts to miss their jamboree, or people to suffer from MS. It just means it is someone else’s turn to give today.
You have compassion fatigue because you have been compassionate. Compassion is not measured by how much you gave, or whether you were able to, or whether you fixed their problem, but that you wanted to. That compassion, even devoid of action, is precious and must be preserved. It makes us great.
So recover. Treat yourself to a margarita, a spa day, a drive by the ocean, a ride in the mountains, a day with family, or maybe some time in your church. Recharge because you are an important part of this world, and because you deserve it.
What we must not do, however, is defend ourselves with fiction that the problems are not real, that people are not suffering, or that they somehow deserve it. Suffering happens, it is not good, and we should not feel OK seeing it.
Being human means we have compassion; but being human also means we have limits. So when you feel the fatigue, let yourself off the hook. I am here to tell you it is OK, and there is no need to rationalize not giving. Tell yourself not today, I am taking the day (or week) off. It’s margarita Saturday, etc.
And when you are recharged, watch out world, your love for your fellow man can make a difference that would shame the rest of us. You are, after all, kind of amazing.” —
Taking A Break From Being Everything to Everybody – –
Happy Mother’s Day
Not all divorced women are Mothers. To those who are, whether it was by giving birth, adoption, step children or mothering those “four-legged” children, Mother’s Day is a day meant for you. It celebrates all the sacrifices you’ve made, all the love you’ve given. It’s one of my most favorite of days because it celebrates one of the things in my life that I think I did “the best”!
I have two sons, they are the highlights of my life. My marriage may have not turned out the way that I hoped and dreamed it would, but those two boys did and then some. Yup – I did that right.
So as I was walking the dogs on one of the last pleasant weather days before the HOT summer sets in, I was enjoying my “Motherhood” experience. Thinking about how cute they were as babies, how active they were as toddlers, how sometimes scattered they were in school, how focused they were in college, and how successful they have become as young adults. Then it dawned on me . . . without the “spouse”, these boys would not have happened.
So for Mother’s Day 2012, I’ll be grateful for the marriage and the husband, because even though he broke my heart, he also gave me the greatest gift possible – my sons. Wishing you all a Happy Mother’s Day!
A Playlist!!
I’m a big music lover. I have an old Nano and I take it with me everywhere so I can listen to my favorite tunes!! I listen to it when I’m putting on my makeup, when I’m on the elliptical, when I’m vacuuming, when I’m outside walking, on an airplane, when I’m writing, walking on the beach. It makes me smile, singing along with my fav tunes lifts my spirits.
I have different playlists for different things I do but one thing that gets the most “play time” is my play list about being stronger, being happier, and getting through each day knowing I’m going to make it. So I would like to share some of these songs with you and maybe you can download them and use them as a “pick me up” too. Listen to the lyrics. I hope they speak to you like they speak to me!! Enjoy!
Firework by Katy Perry
A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans
Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
Anytime You Need A Friend by Mariah Carey
What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted by Paul Young
Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield
F**kin’ Perfect by Pink
Keep Your Head Up by Andy Grammer
King Of Anything by Sara Bareilles
Keep on singing those blues away!!!
You’re NOT Alone – –
While researching some thoughts about my blog, it’s become clear how many of us there are out there. I also have great friends who share things with me when they think it would be useful for the upcoming book or this site. I will always forward on to you what I think could help you in this survival quest.
Last time I shared another’s blog, I found the way to connect the two. This time, I don’t seem to be able to make it work. So here’s what I can try to do to help you find it. It’s on the blog site of the Huffington Post. This is what my gal pal sent me:
Lisa Arends: Rewrapping Divorce as a Gift
As my eldest son reminds me on many occasions, Google is your friend. So if you can google it, I think you would enjoy the read. As always, thanks for reading mine!!
Shame Game – –
Shame? I never really thought too much about it until recently. For some reason I always attributed the “shame” of my divorce to my ex. After all he was the one who had the affairs, he was the one who wanted the divorce and filed the paper work. He was the one who moved out, ending thirty plus years of a relationship. He was the one with the shame. I didn’t think I carried any.
Several years ago I attended a wedding where both the parents of the bride and the groom had been married forty plus years. It was mentioned during the wedding ceremony and after the feeling of joy and amazement washed over me, I felt strange. There was an emptiness in my heart I had then attributed to being alone, divorced, unhappy. Now I realize that what I was feeling was shame. I carried shame that when my children got married no one would be able to say that about me.
I held shame that I had somehow let down my sons in showing them what a good marriage could and should be. I held shame that my friends were all happily married, looking forward to retiring someday and just being with “each other” and I couldn’t keep my husband from straying. I held shame that I was not attractive enough, smart enough, thin enough, witty enough to keep my man. I felt shame that I couldn’t seem to fall in love with the game of golf that was so important to him and his friends and their wives.
There was shame in being the first person in my family to fall victim to divorce. Everyone else had held it together throughout the good times and the bad, why couldn’t I? Carrying around shame is like a noose around your neck. Now that I’ve identified it, I’m going to get rid of it. We all make mistakes and no marriage is perfect and even if there were things you wish you could have done differently that’s all in the past. It’s not easy, we’re not born with guilt but we sure pick it up quickly there after.
So today I’m going to start dumping the shame, I did the best that I could with the circumstances that life dealt me. I will start to become proud of who I am, the things I stand for and the places I have yet to go. Don’t play the “Shame Game” – keep walking forward in your new life and enjoy the journey of new opportunities.
Girlfriends –
I was looking through my stash of cards today, getting ready to write a thank you note to a great friend for a contribution she had made in my honor to one of the charities we share a passion for. I found a card I had purchased, just waiting for the right person to send it to. This was that right person. The sentiments written on the card are all about the importance of girlfriends, those wonderful women who are always there for you no matter what. Hereinafter referred to as the “GF’s”!! Since I give FULL credit to the Blue Mountain Arts Card company, I hope that by sharing some of the things written 1) will not get me in trouble, I did pay for the card and 2) I can pass along the wonderful thoughts shared in that card.
Girlfriends –
It’s girlfriends like you who help keep me sane . . . .
Girlfriends are all ears when we need them to listen. They lend us a hand if we need their help. They’re generous, and they’ll give us the shirts off their backs if they know we want them. (well, probably not if they’re a designer label, but you get the drift . . .) They’re fun to hang out with, talk silly about nothing with, shop with and cheat on our diets with.
They understand our feelings and show us acceptance and perspective. They acknowledge our efforts when we’re trying hard. They help relieve the pressure of everyday life just by always being there.
What would we do without our girlfriends to complain to and act so crazy with? They’re sensitive to our moods, and they stand by us when we need them to. They lend us their shoulders to cry on. They laugh with us when life’s not all that funny and we get caught in some mess. They lift us and encourage us and support us. They’re our refuge in this unfriendly world, our buddies to walk with through the storms. I’m so glad to have a girlfriend like you.
Do you have a GF you feel that way about?? Have you told her lately how wonderful it is to have her in your life?? Men seem to come and go, love you and leave you sometimes but the real gal pals – they’re the best. Here’s a big shout out to all the gal pals in the world – thanks for hanging in there with me!!
It takes a Village –
You know, I have to admit that when I heard that years ago from Hillary Clinton in reference to raising her daughter I was skeptical. I probably didn’t really understand it the way she meant it. I felt like I had raised my children, no baby nurses, no nannies, pretty much just me until I figured out the glory of a “Mother’s Day Out” when the first son hit three!! Even then that was for about four hours and I spent it running errands and getting household things done, certainly nothing personal or just for myself. I didn’t realize I needed a village.
Fast forward to my life now and I think I’m finally coming around. You cannot live in a cocoon, and coming out of a divorce puts you in a place of needing to reach out and find yourself a village! I heard a great line in my Divorce Recovery Series that I’ve been attending and I wanted to share it with you. It’s not my line, I didn’t originate it but I am going to share it. Healing Happens in Community
We’ve all experienced the loneliness that comes after leaving a marriage, a partnership, a relationship where you are a couple. You are now alone. You are on your own. There is only one person squeezing that tube of toothpaste now. You are now making your way in the world without a mate to help you through it and it stinks. Forget thoughts of dating for a while. I gave myself a full year before I even considered whether I wanted to let another man into my life. However life does not happen in a vacuum. You need people. You cannot and should not do this alone.
You need a community, you need a village. It’s OK being a single, but do not live singly. If you still have children at home then you have a family community but what I’m talking about here is other adult friendships. We are social beings and we need connections to others. You can find these in the work place. You can find these in social clubs, volunteer opportunities, your local church or synagogue. You have to look but your new community is out there. Reach out and let people know that you are available to have lunch, dinner, happy hour, go to a movie, go to the dog park. You need to connect to others. Join a singles group (don’t expect too much, lol!) but open up your heart to let others into your world. Find a group to be a part of because you are a valuable person and still have so much to give, and life to live.
If you have a community to share, let us hear from you. Thank you for being part of my community!
Hitting the Wall –
Hitting the wall. When I hear that phrase I think of Marathon runners. I’ve never run one, don’t intend to. My take on running is that only creatures with four legs were put on this earth to run thank you very much! But I know people who have run Marathons and my ex ran a Marathon once. As a matter of fact, that was back when one of those first indicators of infidelity popped up that completely went over my head and I missed it. You know what they say about hind sight being 20 – 20. But that’s for another story. Marathon runners are said to “hit the wall” around my 22 or so of the 26+ miles they run. Divorce recovery is a lot like that. The end is in sight yet so far away . . . . .
When you’re recovering from a divorce, it’s one of the biggest life changes you will ever go through. Nothing as you knew it or lived it will ever be the same again. We are creatures of habit, we love things that are familiar. Familiar gives up comfort. Trying to break away from all that familiarity is a very hard task. I like to think of it as leaving your “comfort zone”. There’s nothing wrong with a comfort zone. Life after divorce however is going to force you out of your comfort zone.
Whatever patterns of behavior and patterns of life you had before just got blown up. And do you know what happens when you refuse to break those old patterns in your life?? You will hit a wall. You refuse to make changes and continue to try to live life as you had before is just like butting your head against the wall over and over and over again. Guess what?? That wall isn’t going to move and it’s not going to crumble upon impact. It’s just going to give you a really big headache.
Hard?? Yes!! Impossible?? No!! I know, I’ve hit it multiple times. I’m stubborn, I keep trying to live my life as I did before and it’s not working. When that wall won’t move, it’s time to make changes. Assess yourself and your life and what you can do to scale that wall. Is it moving to a different town? Maybe. Is it changing your group of friends and surrounding yourself with those people who live like you live and believe in the same moral and ethical values as you? Absolutely. Is it putting up boundaries and learning to respect yourself as a valuable and important human being? Yes, please! Create a new life for yourself that gives you new options and keeps you away from repeatedly running into that wall.
Find a ladder, it’s going to be great on the other side!! Believing that gets me through each and every day!
Finding yourself again –
A dear friend sent me this link to an article concerning “losing ourselves” in our relationships with men. It does seem to happen, has for generations. Sometimes on the “other side” of marriage we manage to recoup that which we had given “away” or given “up” when we married. It’s true, we can lose ourselves totally and forget the things that we believed in, that we were passionate about, that meant the world to us.
I share the post here with you to provoke thoughts of what you lost, and what you now have the freedom to get back. It’s a struggle but maybe, just maybe it’s also an opportunity. I’m reminded of a poster I once had hung up in my classroom. I know you’ve heard it! “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I’ll be making some lemonade today!!
The Rear View Mirror –
In cars and trucks? A purposeful thing! You have to see all around yourself when you’re driving. You’re looking for a clear lane ahead, you’re making sure the vehicle beside you isn’t changing lanes into you. Looking in the rear view mirror also helps you anticipate when you can make a lane change, or move out of the way of the car racing up behind you or the emergency vehicle that needs to get by you.
In life after divorce? Only up to a certain point.
Another line in a great song (I’ll refer a lot to song since it’s such an important thing in my life) refers to a rearview mirror and the singer says “I ain’t never looking’ back, and that’s a fact!” I believe all of us spend a great deal of time looking back when first separated and / or getting a divorce. We beat ourselves up with the “what if’s”. We wonder what we could have done differently to have not landed ourselves in this situation. We blame ourselves for not being smart enough, attractive enough, thin enough, funny enough, sexy enough – the list goes on. What did you think you’d done wrong? What did you think you should have done differently to make your marriage last?
In the Divorce Recovery Series that I’m currently attending (www.trinitycounselingandconsulting.com and http://www.gayegjones.wordpress.com), we’re learning how to live meaningfully and wholly in the moment. At no time is that more important than when you start doubting yourself for the things you think you did wrong in the past. Sometimes things just happen and nothing you did, or might have done differently could have changed or prevented what happened. Don’t get me wrong, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. However, constantly looking in the rear view mirror will certainly have you crashing head first before too long.
I wish I had answers for all of us on how to make this easier, more palatable with a speedy recovery – but I don’t. What I can tell you is that looking forward, looking ahead, making a plan and smart choices about your life NOW is going to get you through this. There is no set recovery date, but you are moving toward it. One step at a time, one day at a time. You can’t change the past in that rear view mirror, but you certainly can choose how to move forward. Let this be the day. As they say in the NIKE commercials – just do it!
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