Becoming the best version of yourself

Shame Game – –

on April 30, 2012

Shame?  I never really thought too much about it until recently.  For some reason I always attributed the “shame” of my divorce to my ex.  After all he was the one who had the affairs, he was the one who wanted the divorce and filed the paper work.  He was the one who moved out, ending thirty plus years of a relationship.  He was the one with the shame. I didn’t think I carried any.

Several years ago I attended a wedding where both the parents of the bride and the groom had been married forty plus years.  It was mentioned during the wedding ceremony and after the feeling of joy and amazement washed over me, I felt strange.  There was an emptiness in my heart I had then attributed to being alone, divorced, unhappy.  Now I realize that what I was feeling was shame.  I carried shame that when my children got married no one would be able to say that about me.

I held shame that I had somehow let down my sons in showing them what a good marriage could and should be.  I held shame that my friends were all happily married, looking forward to retiring someday and just being with “each other” and I couldn’t keep my husband from straying.  I held shame that I was not attractive enough, smart enough, thin enough, witty enough to keep my man.  I felt shame that I couldn’t seem to fall in love with the game of golf that was so important to him and his friends and their wives.

There was shame in being the first person in my family to fall victim to divorce.  Everyone else had held it together throughout the good times and the bad, why couldn’t I?  Carrying around shame is like a noose around your neck.  Now that I’ve identified it, I’m going to get rid of it.  We all make mistakes and no marriage is perfect and even if there were things you wish you could have done differently that’s all in the past.  It’s not easy, we’re not born with guilt but we sure pick it up quickly there after.

So today I’m going to start dumping the shame, I did the best that I could with the circumstances that life dealt me.  I will start to become proud of who I am, the things I stand for and the places I have yet to go.  Don’t play the “Shame Game” – keep walking forward in your new life and enjoy the journey of new opportunities.


6 responses to “Shame Game – –

  1. Thank you for the reminder. I find myself checking ring fingers while I wait in line – no not just the men – the women too. And I realize it is because I’m teling myself I’m the oddball and the overwelming feeling is shame. I need to stop that ASAP!

  2. Jinx Chiles says:

    I never realized that part, but I definitely have felt it many times at certain times. We do have to let go of it; it is not our shame. Our shame, bitterness, hate, etc. is, as said, “letting someone else get free rent in our minds.” Why give free rent to anyone???? Jinx

  3. Kathy Jensen says:

    Pack it all up and toss it out! Way to go!! The road foreward is much easier to see and appreciate once we have the one behind us, truly put to rest and totally behind us. I am so proud of you, my dear friend. XOXOXO

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