suddenlysinglewomen

The clock just crossed midnight, and I’m still awake.  Can’t sleep for some reason, no big news flash, happens alot.  But as I lay there awake, I realized that it’s now officially St. Patrick’s Day.  The mind started thinking about “green” and so there you have it – my thoughts on green.  For the Irish and St. Paddy’s day it’s the “wearin’ of the green”.   Hmmmm, well I’ll have to think about wearing green later, hopefully after I get a few hours sleep, in the mean time . . . .

How about “green with envy?”  I know, I know – envy is supposed to be a bad thing.  We all try not to be envious but we’re human and sometimes we just can’t help it.  So what are you green with envy about???   I’m envious of couples.  When you’re  a single, you seem to notice that the world is full of couples.  Couples walking hand in hand.  Couples deep in conversation.  Couples finishing each other’s sentences.  Couples on a date.  Heck, we even use the term couple to refer to time such as “I’ll be there in a couple of minutes” or “I”ll be gone a couple of days”.  Couples are everywhere.  Couples are in a relationship, they have one another to count on.  In our society there’s a feeling of being inadequate if you’re not part of a couple.  Just look at seating in restaurants – count the number of chairs around the table.  It’s two, four, six, you get my meaning.

How about “the grass is always greener” – that’s a good one.  Why does that make me think of men?  Do they really think the grass is always greener?  Mine did.  He certainly went over the fence to get to the greener grass plenty of times.  Why do they always want more, why do they think there is something else better out there?  They’re afraid to commit because they could be missing something just around the corner that’s better than what they have.  Afterall, if you tire of your car, get a new one.  If your house isn’t big enough, buy a new one.  And if your wife isn’t the cutest, thinnest, sexiest, smartest, funniest model out there anymore, why stay around if the grass is greener . . . . ?

Green – the color of money.  Money can’t buy happiness they say.  True, but it sure can make life more comfortable.  Money was very important to my ex.  Even when we didn’t have it, we lived as if we did.  Then when we did have it, he made all the decisions having anything to do with it.  Now it’s being lavished on “the new wife”.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pauper by any means and I’m grateful that I was able to have enough to take care of myself but what I had always assumed is that we would be enjoying it together.  We worked hard in those lean years and now we were supposed to be taking those trips and enjoying the fruits of our labor.  Now another woman who didn’t earn it, is enjoying it.  When you’re a single, you worry about money.  Will you have enough to take care of yourself?  Will you be able to do for the kids when they need it?  Money – gotta have it no matter what color it is.

Spring green.  It’s March so I suppose you could say it’s spring.  If you’re in the mountains, there’s still snow on the ground and it’s freezing at night so spring hasn’t sprung for you yet.  If you live in Texas where I’m from, spring comes for about a week, then it’s all about heat, humidity and worrying about how hot the summer will be this year.  I think “spring green” refers to when the plants and trees start to leaf out, and it symbolizes new growth and new beginnings.  Will this be the spring that I grow and start afresh, will I have the strength and fortitude to have a new beginning?  Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to see into the future and know that this will be the year that what happened before can’t hurt me anymore?  Will my spring finally be green?  Will yours?

OK – interesting title.  You’re probably wondering what in the world she’s gonna be babbling on about this time?  I know I’ve heard husbands refer to their wives as the “noose around their necks.”  (!@#$%^&*)  Whatever!  Well this will be about the anchor you’re dragging.  What is slowing you down, eventually to a dead standstill?  What is your anchor  you’re dragging around everyday?  It could be a current husband, it could be an ex husband.  Whomever it is, what we need to figure out is how to cut that anchor loose.

Letting go is hard, I know.  I often wondered if I would ever be able to let go, “move on”, make progress in recovery after my divorce.  So many years, so many memories, so many shared experiences – many of them good.  There were happy times, I’m not crazy.  There were some points in the thirty years that he was happy being my “Mr.” and having me as his “Mrs.”  I believe that with all my heart.  However, when you’re in the throes of divorce, and then after, those happy times are really hard to grab hold of.  Pain, anger, humiliation, betrayal, abandonment – the list just goes on and on.  When you’re trying to get through it, then past it, all those things add up and become the anchor slowing down your voyage through life.

Don’t let the ruminations get you down.  Don’t try to relive the married years and torture yourself with the “what if’s”.  You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you could have done differently.  The self doubt sets in and you become your own worst enemy.  You rehash everything, I know, I did.  I played out whole sequences in my head (usually when I couldn’t sleep, around 3:00 a.m.) trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I could have done differently, how I could have save my marriage, changing the ending.  Well guess what???  Nothing I did, or could have done would have saved my marriage.  He was “checked out”, emotionally unavailable, he had moved on.

Quit playing the blame game.  Don’t try to assign fault.  You cannot change what has happened.  As we learned in our group last week, pain is a natural response to this VERY bad thing that has happened to you.  You are normal to feel this way.  The important thing to learn is not to be held in bondage to it.  Take an active role in the healing process that you need to survive this.  Quit dragging that anchor, cut it loose with great joy that you’ve been given the gift of a new start on a voyage of a lifetime.  Your voyage – it’s all about you!!!  God speed!!

Friends, I have quite a few.  They come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life, and our lives cross paths for a multitude of reasons.  Some of these friends I hear from or talk to almost daily, some weekly, many only on special occasions – but I know they’re there.  I truly believe that if I really needed any one of them in a crisis, they would be there for me if at all possible.  Isn’t that what the words in Dionne Warwick’s song really mean??  “That’s what friends are for?”  Or how about “Friends in need are friends in deed?”

Now, what to do when you start receiving all that unsolicited advice from those same wonderful friends?  Do you listen politely?  Do you argue back that they don’t know what they’re talking about?  Do you try to make them see your point of view, try to explain to them why you feel the way you do?  Do they listen or do they really even care?  Hard questions for sure, and touchy to answer.

When I was going through my divorce, I received plenty of input from people.  But for the most part, unless you really wanna air your dirty laundry, these same people don’t know what specifically is going on in your situation.  Every relationship is different, every break up is different.   In my case, it was all about adultery.  Promises to stop, promises to seek therapy, promises promises promises.  Along with those promises came advice from his friends, and my friends – mostly just to “hang in there”.  I tried, he didn’t.

When he filed for divorce, a new round of unsolicited advice started pouring in.  Everything from what attorney to hire to how to take him to the cleaners.  I didn’t stop any of the advice because I was in shock and felt like I needed all the help I could get.  After the divorce the advice increased ten-fold.  Everyone had an opinion.  If I started to do something someone disagreed with, nothing kept them from letting me know what they thought I was doing wrong.  For the most part, this advice was coming from people who had never been through this same situation.  So I wondered, who are they to be telling me how to live my life?  How could they possibly know how I feel?  Didn’t they understand that I’d just left a relationship (30 year marriage) with someone that was always telling me what I was doing wrong, what to do to be correct, and how to live my life?  Had I jumped from the frying pan into the fire?

I wish I could tell you that it’ll ease, it’ll go away, it’ll get better eventually – but I can’t.  People are always going to have opinions, they are always going to share them even if you don’t want to hear it.  You will just have to determine the best way you can handle it to not hurt anyone’s feelings.  After all they mean well, they hopefully have your best interest at heart.  So even “when they just don’t get it,” just try to smile and say . . . . . . AHHHH!!!!!!!