Becoming the best version of yourself

Dragging the Anchor

on March 14, 2012

OK – interesting title.  You’re probably wondering what in the world she’s gonna be babbling on about this time?  I know I’ve heard husbands refer to their wives as the “noose around their necks.”  (!@#$%^&*)  Whatever!  Well this will be about the anchor you’re dragging.  What is slowing you down, eventually to a dead standstill?  What is your anchor  you’re dragging around everyday?  It could be a current husband, it could be an ex husband.  Whomever it is, what we need to figure out is how to cut that anchor loose.

Letting go is hard, I know.  I often wondered if I would ever be able to let go, “move on”, make progress in recovery after my divorce.  So many years, so many memories, so many shared experiences – many of them good.  There were happy times, I’m not crazy.  There were some points in the thirty years that he was happy being my “Mr.” and having me as his “Mrs.”  I believe that with all my heart.  However, when you’re in the throes of divorce, and then after, those happy times are really hard to grab hold of.  Pain, anger, humiliation, betrayal, abandonment – the list just goes on and on.  When you’re trying to get through it, then past it, all those things add up and become the anchor slowing down your voyage through life.

Don’t let the ruminations get you down.  Don’t try to relive the married years and torture yourself with the “what if’s”.  You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you could have done differently.  The self doubt sets in and you become your own worst enemy.  You rehash everything, I know, I did.  I played out whole sequences in my head (usually when I couldn’t sleep, around 3:00 a.m.) trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I could have done differently, how I could have save my marriage, changing the ending.  Well guess what???  Nothing I did, or could have done would have saved my marriage.  He was “checked out”, emotionally unavailable, he had moved on.

Quit playing the blame game.  Don’t try to assign fault.  You cannot change what has happened.  As we learned in our group last week, pain is a natural response to this VERY bad thing that has happened to you.  You are normal to feel this way.  The important thing to learn is not to be held in bondage to it.  Take an active role in the healing process that you need to survive this.  Quit dragging that anchor, cut it loose with great joy that you’ve been given the gift of a new start on a voyage of a lifetime.  Your voyage – it’s all about you!!!  God speed!!


4 responses to “Dragging the Anchor

  1. Jinx Chiles says:

    I don’t know quite what to say….Everything I have read so far, (in each of your blogs) is exactly what I have experienced in the past 20 years of divorce. Same sinerio and same facts, and same responses from others. I am still looking for the answer on how to make the rest of my life different than the one i had hoped for or expected. Most of us have the same issues. I would love to create a “singles’ Support Group that meets for nurturing, socializing, support, and making new lives and friends. J. Chiles

    • Funny you mention the support group. That want, or desire to find, was exactly what got me started on this mission. I wanted to do a support group for women, with the feeling of sitting in our living rooms and sharing our feelings. But it was suggested I first write the book, which is almost done. While writing the book, I learned about blogging, ergo the new blog!! Baby steps but I’m still going to start a group and you will be one of my first invites!!!! Thanks for following and letting others know that we all feel similar things, and that we’re OK to feel that way!!!

  2. great analogy! You are right- accessing blame doesn’t do any good. (and we all know it was him anyway) A powerful, positive message.

  3. Bryn says:

    Loved this message. You have to move on and trust their was a different plan for you and him.

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