A dear friend, one of my first friends to “follow” my blog, sent me this the other day. (Thanks CS!) While it doesn’t speak to divorce “specifically”, I think it definitely covers ground that we all face after we divorce. When you want to try to be everything to everybody, you wear out. As a wife and a mother and a friend, I wanted to be there for everyone. It was exhausting. Now that I don’t necessarily have the time nor financial resources, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to give, give, give or feel guilty when I can’t. This article below gives us permission to take a break. Maybe it’s time to give yourself some of that compassion you used to give to everyone else. Take care of you!“You are a good person. It’s a long race. You are suffering from compassion fatigue.Of course you care about people, but has there been a time in history when people have been put under more pressure to be charitable? You go to the store to pick up a quart of milk and pass a homeless man with a sign asking for your help, then you have to pass by someone selling brownies for some charity outside the grocery store, and when you pay for your milk you are asked if you want to make a donation to MS. It’s a veritable attack of the charities.Not giving today does not mean you want the homeless man to starve, the Girl Scouts to miss their jamboree, or people to suffer from MS. It just means it is someone else’s turn to give today.
You have compassion fatigue because you have been compassionate. Compassion is not measured by how much you gave, or whether you were able to, or whether you fixed their problem, but that you wanted to. That compassion, even devoid of action, is precious and must be preserved. It makes us great.
So recover. Treat yourself to a margarita, a spa day, a drive by the ocean, a ride in the mountains, a day with family, or maybe some time in your church. Recharge because you are an important part of this world, and because you deserve it.
What we must not do, however, is defend ourselves with fiction that the problems are not real, that people are not suffering, or that they somehow deserve it. Suffering happens, it is not good, and we should not feel OK seeing it.
Being human means we have compassion; but being human also means we have limits. So when you feel the fatigue, let yourself off the hook. I am here to tell you it is OK, and there is no need to rationalize not giving. Tell yourself not today, I am taking the day (or week) off. It’s margarita Saturday, etc.
And when you are recharged, watch out world, your love for your fellow man can make a difference that would shame the rest of us. You are, after all, kind of amazing.” —
Taking A Break From Being Everything to Everybody – –
Happy Mother’s Day
Not all divorced women are Mothers. To those who are, whether it was by giving birth, adoption, step children or mothering those “four-legged” children, Mother’s Day is a day meant for you. It celebrates all the sacrifices you’ve made, all the love you’ve given. It’s one of my most favorite of days because it celebrates one of the things in my life that I think I did “the best”!
I have two sons, they are the highlights of my life. My marriage may have not turned out the way that I hoped and dreamed it would, but those two boys did and then some. Yup – I did that right.
So as I was walking the dogs on one of the last pleasant weather days before the HOT summer sets in, I was enjoying my “Motherhood” experience. Thinking about how cute they were as babies, how active they were as toddlers, how sometimes scattered they were in school, how focused they were in college, and how successful they have become as young adults. Then it dawned on me . . . without the “spouse”, these boys would not have happened.
So for Mother’s Day 2012, I’ll be grateful for the marriage and the husband, because even though he broke my heart, he also gave me the greatest gift possible – my sons. Wishing you all a Happy Mother’s Day!
A Playlist!!
I’m a big music lover. I have an old Nano and I take it with me everywhere so I can listen to my favorite tunes!! I listen to it when I’m putting on my makeup, when I’m on the elliptical, when I’m vacuuming, when I’m outside walking, on an airplane, when I’m writing, walking on the beach. It makes me smile, singing along with my fav tunes lifts my spirits.
I have different playlists for different things I do but one thing that gets the most “play time” is my play list about being stronger, being happier, and getting through each day knowing I’m going to make it. So I would like to share some of these songs with you and maybe you can download them and use them as a “pick me up” too. Listen to the lyrics. I hope they speak to you like they speak to me!! Enjoy!
Firework by Katy Perry
A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans
Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
Anytime You Need A Friend by Mariah Carey
What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted by Paul Young
Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield
F**kin’ Perfect by Pink
Keep Your Head Up by Andy Grammer
King Of Anything by Sara Bareilles
Keep on singing those blues away!!!
You’re NOT Alone – –
While researching some thoughts about my blog, it’s become clear how many of us there are out there. I also have great friends who share things with me when they think it would be useful for the upcoming book or this site. I will always forward on to you what I think could help you in this survival quest.
Last time I shared another’s blog, I found the way to connect the two. This time, I don’t seem to be able to make it work. So here’s what I can try to do to help you find it. It’s on the blog site of the Huffington Post. This is what my gal pal sent me:
Lisa Arends: Rewrapping Divorce as a Gift
As my eldest son reminds me on many occasions, Google is your friend. So if you can google it, I think you would enjoy the read. As always, thanks for reading mine!!
Finding yourself again –
A dear friend sent me this link to an article concerning “losing ourselves” in our relationships with men. It does seem to happen, has for generations. Sometimes on the “other side” of marriage we manage to recoup that which we had given “away” or given “up” when we married. It’s true, we can lose ourselves totally and forget the things that we believed in, that we were passionate about, that meant the world to us.
I share the post here with you to provoke thoughts of what you lost, and what you now have the freedom to get back. It’s a struggle but maybe, just maybe it’s also an opportunity. I’m reminded of a poster I once had hung up in my classroom. I know you’ve heard it! “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I’ll be making some lemonade today!!
Learning to trust again?
I was married in the 70’s, a child of parents married in the 50’s and born during the depression. My father and mother were married almost 50 years when my Dad passed away. He had served in WW2 and Korea. They understood and honored their vows, they trusted that through thick and thin, they’d be there for each other. They trusted it and they lived it. That’s what I learned growing up, that’s what I witnessed every day. I was lucky. I was the first divorce in my family. Is it any wonder why I have trouble learning how to deal with it?
Flash forward to today. I have a new foster GSD (German Shepherd Dog) in my house as of yesterday, I own two other rescue GSD’s. We’re quite the pack on our daily walks. As I’m getting to know this new GSD I’m seeing her struggle on the trust issue. She doesn’t know me, she was a stray found under the bridge of the Sam Houston Tollway who was such a survivor it took her rescuer over a month or so to grab her. Now that’s dedication to rescue. How long before she begins to trust me?
I trusted a lot in my life. I trusted as a child that my parents would take care of me. I trusted as a wife that my husband would honor our vows. I trusted my friends to support me through the difficult days, weeks and months of the divorce. What I’m learning now is that I need to trust myself. I need to trust that I have the strength to survive divorce. I need to trust that I will make good decisions when it comes to taking care of myself because I can no longer trust that anyone else is going to do that for me. I am hoping that one day I can trust that not all men lie, not all men cheat, not all men think only of themselves. I’m trusting that when they made men like my Dad they didn’t “break the mold” and that my sons will grow up full of honor and integrity like their Grandfather had.
They say trust is freely given – the first time. Once broken, it has to be earned back. As I look into the sad eyes of my foster GSD this morning I so want her to know that she CAN trust me, I will not betray her, I will see to her needs. Maybe together, we’ll both learn to trust again.
When the Light Bulb goes off!!
Yep – when that light bulb goes off, it gets your attention. Of course, you’re probably thinking that I’m referring to a light bulb going off in your “brain”. You’re thinking I’m referring to one of those “AHA” moments in life where you finally figured something out that’s been stumping you. Well, not this time. I’m literally referring to when that durn light bulb goes off and you have to do something about it!
This was brought home to me recently when I had a light bulb “pop” and burn out. I came downstairs to find a darker room than when I’d left it some five minutes earlier. One of the recessed can’s light bulbs had blown. No problem I thought, I can grab a ladder and a fresh bulb and change it myself . . . . . . right????
Wrong – I don’t have a ladder tall enough. I have a ladder ALMOST tall enough. I have those lovely tall ceilings that everyone is so fond of these days! Remember when ceilings used to be 8 feet?? Now you go into an older home with 8 foot ceilings and you feel like you’re in a cave. Everyone has 10 foot or 12 foot ceiling now. Great, wonderful, how open it makes your room feel until you lose a light bulb, and you’re only 5’7″, and you don’t have a tall enough ladder and, OK – here it comes, you don’t have a man around the house who IS taller than 5′ 7″.
I stretched my reach, I thought bad thoughts, and I almost tossed the new light bulb across the room in frustration that I shouldn’t have to be doing this for myself. I should have a help mate who can help when these things occur. But I don’t and my neighbors next door on both sides are women and the neighbor across the street is male but shorter than me. I’ve tried those extender pole light bulb changer thingy’s, the last time I broke the bulb off in the socket because it had been screwed in too tightly before I moved in. So now it’s on the “next time you pay for an hour’s worth of services from the handyman service” list, and I”ll just live with a little darker kitchen for a while, in the house where I live – alone.
SWF
While driving yesterday I heard a C & W song that refers to a “Single White Female”. The personal ads list them as SWF’s. Of course, divorce has no ethnicity boundaries so it could just as easily be SBF or SLF – the choices are endless. However, it’s still a label. And it’s so darned depressing at times. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the type of depressing that makes you wanna drive your car off the nearest cliff. It’s the kind of depressing that sometimes makes you sound a tad desperate. Do you know what I mean?
Have you wondered why when you fill out most applications these days that they want to know not just that you’re a “female”, they want to know your “status”. They ask if you’re single, married, divorced, separated or widowed? Except for that second choice, the others are pretty much “ALONE”!!! What the heck difference does it make?
For a Dr’s office, maybe they want to make sure there is a “responsible party” – someone who can pay for their services – ok, makes some sense. But the others? Do we have to call attention to it? You don’t think being divorced is bad enough but I have to let everyone else know that I’m a product of a failed marriage? If you’re going to ask me for my status, can you at least give me a couple of blank lines to fill in that it wasn’t really my choice to be this age and single? Don’t know why, it just rubs me the wrong way as if there’s really a big need for anyone to know why I’m NOT a married woman.
How about you?? Any thoughts?? What pushes your buttons?? Let us hear from you!
When Everyone Says “Move On”?
Such simple advice, great if you are in a position to listen to it. For some people it just takes time, no one can push you thru it as it states. Move at your own speed, take care of yourself – for if you were married as long as I was, and now you’re not – take time to just be “you”, and take care of “you” – you deserve it!!
Today might not be the day you are ready to start fresh. No one can force or push a person to start fresh if they are not ready. If you are ready today, then GREAT!! If you need more time then take that time! Here are FIVE types to help starting fresh a little easier…
F orgive yourself for being angry. Forgive those around you that have hurt you. – Think of this forgiveness as a key to healing and finding peace within. Holding grudges or being angry with someone will only cause you more hurt. TRY to find that forgiveness. I know you can.
R emember that good things in life. Repeat to yourself what you are thankful for. Remember that life is too precious to waste on being sad and angry. REMEMBER you are worthy of a happy life.
E nergize your life. Keep active. Get…
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Valentine’s Day – UGH!!
Valentine’s Day – what’s it like for a single woman??? SUX!! My college boyfriend proposed to me on Valentine’s Day. Nine months later, he decided he’d rather go to Law School with his best friend than graduate and marry me. Hmmmm??? Then came the next BF, our first date was on Valentine’s Day, I married him and 30 years later he leaves me after our 30 year marriage. Over the years, Valentine’s Day was something I tried to celebrate as the anniversary of something wonderful – but now I know that it was just a sham. Last year, after a horse accident, I was on crutches and the man I was dating (or thought I was) brought me lunch and roses. I was so taken aback, and so “falling in love” that I allowed myself to think “this one is a good one, this one won’t break my heart”. Nope – what I shoulda been thinking was “this one is just like all the rest”!! He had only been divorced a couple of years and was not any where NEAR done playing the “I’m free – woo hoo” game. So this year’s Valentine’s Day was spent alone with the dogs. You know, the four legged critters that love YOU unconditionally. Maybe I’m on to something . . . . . . .
suddenlysinglewomen 