suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

May 19

A Losing Battle – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

1385406_10151708747556439_1612600911_n . . . Good words to live by,

But is it reality?

Arguing and fighting with your past is a losing battle, you cannot go back and alter what’s happened.  The ol’ saying, “What’s done is done”  is accurate.  No one ever said however, that it would be easy to accept.

I’m now entering my seventh year of divorce and I truly do find myself getting stronger every day and feeling happier about where my life is heading.  It’s not been an easy road to walk down, and many times I’ve felt that I have been walking done that recovery road alone.

I know and appreciate the support I’ve received from family and friends along the way but for the most part your journey is accomplished alone.  How you travel that road is entirely up to you.  Along the way I’ve made some good decisions and some bad ones.   Mostly they have been good.

The further down that road I walk, the greater the distance I put between myself and some of the people I used to think were so important in my life.  Today, when I stumble and fall backwards there are fewer people there to watch my back.  Is that normal?  Would that have happened anyway even if I had not been left by my husband?

I’ll never know the answer to that question since “What’s done is done”, but I will say that where I thought my life was headed ten years ago has certainly changed to where I feel it’s headed in the present day.  Some days your head isn’t held high, it just sinks down in a hole of despair that you will ever know what it feels like to be held and loved again.  Other days it peaks out from the hole and strains to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes counting your blessings and moving on with your held held high isn’t enough . . . but it’s a start.

 

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May 13

What Happens When You DON’T “Auto Renew” – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Recently I told you I’d “had it” with the online dating world.  They’ll throw statistics at you about their success rates but really??  How do we actually know they’re THAT successful?  Have you ever met anyone that’s had success with “Happily Ever After” from an online dating service?

 

Me neither!

 

It seems I’ve gotten their attention by turning “Auto Renew” OFF,  and I’m receiving dating advice now from eHarmony!  What I don’t need is dating advice from eHarmony, OurTime.com, OKCupid or Match.  What I needed was a better pool of “candidates”!

 

That said, I’ve looked over their blog posts and some of their ideas are good and certainly relevant on an even playing field – I just never found that playing field.  After all, you really can’t cross things off your shopping list if you just drive by the store and don’t even get out of the car to look around.

 

So for whatever it’s worth, I’ll share with you some of the things that they are sharing with me but I make no promises it’ll make your life any different, or dating any better.  Myself??  I have a hot date tonight with my DVR and “Jack Bauer”!  “24” is back – life is good!!

 

http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/04/17/dating-rules-selling-yourself-vs-being-yourself/#.U3EpkDZa7Lo.email

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Apr 23

The ABC’s of Divorce . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

Just back from a lovely weekend where my eldest son proposed to his GF, and surprised her with all the family from “both sides” joining in after for the surprise celebration!  After a sunset proposal on a sailboat, they arrived at the restaurant where we were all waiting.  After much flash photography with the requisite hugs and tears, we settled into our seats – 15 strong, in the middle of the restaurant.

Her parents have been married more than 40 years with three adult children and a grandchild on the way.  They were all there with their spouses and significant others.  I was there with my younger son and daughter in law.  And of course, the Ex and Mrs. Ex.   A most happy occasion that brings with it some emotional challenges.

Flying home Sunday I was full of happy thoughts of upcoming “new beginnings” and sad thoughts of “what might’ve been” if I had made a love match.  What comes from those thoughts leads to today’s post – – – The “ABC’s” of Divorce.   Abandonment, Betrayal and Change:

1)  Abandonment – You feel abandoned, scared, left alone to tackle the world by yourself.  “By yourself” was never part of the deal, we were supposed to be a team.  We were supposed to be “happily ever after”.  Even if not always “happily”, surely “ever after”?  Not so much.  It was more like . . . until the next best thing comes along.  We are a “disposable” society and wives are easily disposed of, too easily if you ask me – but no one did.

Thinking of abandonment makes emotions run high.  I work with two animal rescue groups, and we see abandoned animals all the time.  We are appalled by what people do to these poor defenseless creatures who cannot take care of themselves.  We get up in arms, we get vocal, we advocate for their rights and try to find them a better life.  But who advocates for a woman who gets abandoned by a man?  Who gets up in arms and vocal for us?  Who takes us in and cuddles with us and promises that everything is going to be all right?

2)  Betrayal – Ahhhh, the betrayal . . . the way it feels in your heart and soul when you realize all those promises meant nothing.  To be betrayed by the one person who had taken vows, an oath if you will, to love and protect, honor and cherish and be true to . . . well, you get the drift.   Whether it’s from infidelity or not, a divorce is a betrayal of everything that you thought was promised to you on the day you wed.

I know that the men think they can be just as betrayed by women, but for the sake of this blog, it’s about the woman being betrayed.  That promise gets broken and your heart hurts.  There’s an emptiness inside where once lived hope and dreams, and that emptiness stings.  For me this past weekend, it was having to “put on the brave face” and act like every moment I had to be around the Ex and Mrs. Ex wasn’t the feeling of betrayal in the extreme.  The celebration of our children’s future was supposed to be something WE shared together.

3)  Change – Change is inevitable.  Change can be good.   Change is something divorce forces on you whether you want it or not, yes?  Your life will change and this has nothing to do with money or status or quality of lifestyle.  It has everything to do with how you see your new world and how you chose to live in that new world.  Change is something that you live with every single day even when everyone else’s life around you moves on without you.  I’ve always said that I don’t necessarily want anyone’s pity, I do not want to be a victim.  What I do need however is just the acknowledgment every once in a while that people understand that sometimes it’s just difficult.  It’s hard.

And it was hard this weekend being around the “happy” and not longing for what “might have been”.  It was hard having to deal with who sits where, who says what etc.   I suppose we’re just like every other family having to deal with the awkwardness of divorce.   So I’ll continue to mind my “P’s and Q’s”, and learn my “ABC’s” – and press on!

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Mar 26

Web Dating – You’re Not In Kansas Anymore Dorothy!

by suddenlysinglewomen
I know I have some married friends out there following my blog – I have two words for you . . . “stay married”, LOL!
Ok, Ok, I know – if you’re seriously unhappy or were married to an adulterer like I was then yes, it’s not worth it BUT – egad, this dating world is not for the faint of heart.
So to catch you up on my journey back into the dating via the web world:
1)  First “M&G” (meet and greet – because you and I don’t seem to rate a meal anymore?) was with “Berkley” – because that’s where he attended college and loves the “radical” persona.  We sat at a bar and ordered ice tea (note to self, follow their lead OR get there first an order tea just to be safe).  We chatted for two hours, he had to leave for a pre-arranged meeting with a manager of his business but said he really would’ve loved to have continued this over dinner.  He said we would meet again soon, he drives off.  I never hear from him again, but he just sent a “like” via the dating website that I seemed like a person he’d like to meet.    Uh . . . . we already have met dingbat!
2)  Second M&G – an older gentleman “Retired” who meets me for lunch after church.  He shows me photos of all the guest bedrooms in his country home.  You’ve heard of young people with an “old soul”?  This was an “old soul” in an “old person”.  Every move he made screamed “tired”.  Very polite but I think he knew that I was a bit too active for him, we never even exchanged contact info.
3)  Third M&G – this one offers to meet for dinner then allows me to pick the place.  We have a phone conversation before hand so a bit more “personal” then the internet.  I pick my favorite TexMex place, not expensive and very casual.  He arrives on time, we sit at the bar first (I arrive first and order a margarita AND pay for it – learning to make no assumptions here!!)  He doesn’t drink but has no problem with people who do.  He gave it up after a partying college career, likes to keep in top form for tennis.  Waitress offers to seat us for dinner, he agrees (whew!) and 3 1/2 hours later we’ve closed down the restaurant.  He asks if I like to dance, I eagerly say yes but that it’s been a while and I’m rusty.  He walks me to my car, smiles and says he’s great at knocking the rust off.  Sounding promising right??  Other than a couple of emails through the dating website talking about how busy he is, there’s been nothing more – no offers for dancing.  I must’ve double faulted somehow?
4)  Fourth M&G – We talk on the phone, we set up a meeting.  He suggests a restaurant near to both of us for a Tuesday evening at 7:00.  Kinda implies dinner to me . . . but I would be wrong.  I arrive, he’s already there.  He’s sitting in a booth with nothing.  This is a casual place where you go up to the counter to order.  He stands up, we introduce ourselves.  He’s still standing, I slide into the other side of the booth finally and say, “should we get something?”  He continues to stand and says he’s getting some ice water . . . warning bells go off in my head.  I smile and say that they have great lemonade here (as I gaze longingly at the bar full of wine bottles).  He continues to stand, I continue to sit, seriously is he waiting for me to get up and pay for my own lemonade??  He finally wanders off to the counter and asks for his FREE water and gets a glass for my lemonade.  He fills it up and comes back.  No offers of refills and zilch of a spark but hey, I was raised to be polite so I was.  After an hour I say I need to get home so he walks me to my car.  I mumble something about getting something to eat and letting out the dogs.  Next day I decide to be proactive and send a message thanking him for my lemonade, said I thought we were sharing a meal and was sorry I’d misunderstood.  Told him I didn’t feel any connection but wished him well in his search and to have fun on his upcoming family vacay!!  I immediately get a reply back that says, “Wow, reading your email and wondering what happened to the woman I met last night?  No connection?  That’s not what your body language was saying!”
SIGH!!!!  So much for being polite for a glass of lemonade . . .
5)  Fifth M&G – The “Sailor”.  We talk on the phone first, he seems really nice.  He picks a restaurant, we meet.  He arrives right on time.  I’m perched in the bar waiting – I’ve decided I want to be the one “on the look out” instead of vice versa.  Nothing screams “blind date” more than walking into a bar or restaurant alone and having to scan for someone who looks like a photo on a dating website that is 10-20 years old (the photo, not the date)!!  He arrives in a new Suburban – Love it!!  He had told me the night before what he would be dressed in – this is a man with a plan – Love it!!  We gab and gab.  He orders wine (whew!).  A woman passes out while walking by, he jumps up to help.  Later find out he’s a trained EMT and he stays with her till paramedics arrive – gallant – Love it!!  We leave and we’re the last two cars in Valet Parking.  He’s leaving the next day for Miami and sail boat racing but texts me while he’s gone.  This is looking good, right?  Enter radio silence.  Nothing from him since Saturday night and it’s now Wednesday.  No text, no call, no email through the website.  Has he sailed off into the sunset?
6)  Sixth potential M&G.  This one likes my profile, I like his profile.  He emails and gives me his name and cell number.  Says he’ll call on Sunday.  I wait, no call.  There is a late night text but by the time I get it, it’s too late to return.  Monday morning I find an email.  Says he’s re-read my profile and has found a serious bone of contention and feels he will not be able to meet me after all.  Horses!  Horses?  I’ve been dropped already and you haven’t even met me??  This is the all time new low.  That was until . . .
7)  This one was so tacky I had to cut and paste it here just so you could enjoy it.  The subject line cuts off in the website but I think after you read it you’ll get the drift.  Just for clarification, I did NOT reach out to this person, this was sent to me unsolicited.  I had not even read his profile as he’s a bit younger than me so it had not even popped up in the search category.
“Subject: Re: Wow all you hav

wow all you have is pictures of your family dogs ,horses, babies, and group pictures of your friends.Just so you know; Men want to see just you—they could care less about seeing dogs and horses and all that junk— it totally turned me away. (I know being honest will piss you off–but someone should tell you)”

 

Yep – Netfilx is still looking REALLY good . . .

 

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Mar 11

Match.com vs. Netflix.com

by suddenlysinglewomen

This past Sunday I was with a group of 8 fun ladies, most of us having met through our “Divorce Recovery” support group.  Not having a man thankfully no longer slows us down, or keeps us at home.  We attended an amazing art exhibit at the Museum and then settled in for dinner afterward.  Of course, the subject comes up – dating and men!

As previously noted, I have once again tried the “online” dating websites and was regaling the ladies of this past week’s “meets and greets”.  More on that in another post – sigh – I could do a stand up comedy routine on the exploits of my dating life . . . when did meeting at a restaurant at 7:00 stop implying a meal???

One of my blog “followers” (love you M.E.!) suggests that choosing to date these days could boil down to a priority choice . . . match.com or netflix.com.    She was opting for Netflix.  After my last week’s experiences, I’m tending to think the same.  I once had a man I was seeing tell me that dating hadn’t changed since we’d done it in our 20’s.  REALLY????  I beg to differ.

Out of the four M&G’s I had last week, three had never been married, the other one had been divorced almost 20 years.   I am here to tell you that dating HAS changed, and at this age, it’s both intimidating, exhausting and mostly demoralizing.  There are 3 or 4 of us for every available 1 of them.  They’re a valuable commodity and they know it.  One friend told me she had to go through a lot of loser’s before she found a nice one – I don’t know that I have the strength?

They prepare to meet you by swinging by the house and changing shirts, maybe!  We mostly prepare with a shower, change of ensembles, look in the mirror, change again, do our hair, apply new makeup, look in the mirror again, throw on the Spanx, feed the dog, check the DVR, leave a note where we’re going should we never come back and the police need a starting point in their search, call a GF on the way for morale support, tell HER where you’re going should you never come back, then arrive early so we can be seated when they show up vs. walking in and having to scan the room for a man who looks older than his posted pic all the while telegraphing to anyone else in the restaurant/bar that you’re on a “blind” date (if you can even call it a date?).  Am I right?

My moods toward dating swing high and low, back and forth and I can feel Netflix starting to edge out the competition.  Since my latest dating profiles are now about a month old, the winks and flirts and “yes’s” have started to dry up – I’m no longer the new girl on the block and the offers to meet have mostly stopped.

Yes, dating IS different, we no longer have our High School BFF to do her due diligence on the boy you have a crush on who then avoids you in the hallways if he’s not interested.  You’re bruised but you move on.  Nowadays we’re out there on our own, no one to run interference, dealing with men who troll the websites, message you then disappear, or worse, offer to meet you at a restaurant at 7:00 and offer to get you a glass of ice water . . .

Yup – Netflix is looking pretty durn good for this weekend.

 

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Mar 4

Dating – Sometimes It Just . . . . . . . (Fill in the Blank!!)

by suddenlysinglewomen

So I recently shared with you “putting it out there in the Universe” and that worked SOOOOO well – NOT!

Then a dear friend tells me she has a new BF, one she found on eHarmony.  So even though I’ve never had any luck on the dating websites per se, I think I’ll give it another shot.  I sign up for eHarmony.  The first week, I begin a conversation – via eHarmony site – with a (on paper) seemingly nice and interested gentleman.  He seems to meet my criteria.  He seems interested.  Then after a week of online repartee, he disappears – totally.  No more communication.  Gee – was it something I said?

Not to be dissuaded, I begin another online conversation with a nice and interested man, we get to the point that he says let’s communicate “outside” of the eHarmony website and gives me his real name, real cell phone number, real job and website and suggests to me that I “google him”.  I’m thinking, OK, he wouldn’t give me his stats unless he was interested . . . right?

One day later, after I’ve thanked him for his “trust”, he sends me a message that an old “relationship” wants to try again so he’s off the market and wishes me good luck.  I mean . . . seriously?  It’s really hard to keep the confidence level high when you can’t even get a “face to face”.  Believe me, I’m much better “in person” than over cyber space.

The next week, I decide to try “OurTime.com” – a website for the 50+ only, thinking once again that if they go to the trouble of filling out a profile and answering questions then they might actually be interested in meeting people?  Something about having to spend $$ to join makes you think they’re more serious.  Again, photos are “liked”, “flirts” are sent, conversations are started and all is plodding along swell until it gets to the point of actually setting up a “meet” – then the communications stop.  One begins to believe these are the “married” guys you here about that are only searching for some cyber space thrills but can’t really deliver themselves ‘in person”.

One offers to meet for coffee, or at least to get a rain check then when you accept the offer – poof.  Haven’t heard from him in two days.  And they say women “tease”?  !@#$%^&*?  But hey – I’ve paid for my month so I’ll keep it up but I’m not very hopeful.  I have included below another gift from my friend Diva J, which when you listen to it will lead you to believe that the men really DO want to meet and have a relationship.  Guess I haven’t found that website . . . yet!

http://seniorplanet.org/dating-relationships-sex-after-60-with-hal-spielman-and-marc-silbert/

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Feb 24

Saving Yourself The Heartbreak – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen
This is an article shared with me by good friend Diva J, who thought it could speak to my readers.  She is divorced from her first husband, but is one of the lucky ones who found the real deal afterwards.  She and her “now”  husband are two of the happiest “married” people I know!  They inspire me that it IS possible, but maybe just not my time yet???
Whether or not it WILL ever be my time or not, there are certain things that will surely set you and me up for heartbreak and relationship failure.   One of those is “looking for a rich man to marry” who will make your life easier and furnish you comfort and “happily ever after”.
Don’t buy into that myth.
We all need to learn to take care of ourselves.  I can also pretty much promise you that most of those women who do “land the rich man”, have a fairly shallow and empty, albeit comfortable life.
Would I trade places with them?  Not a chance.  I’m learning how to love and value myself as a single female and I urge you all to do the same.  I hope you enjoy the article below,  and take away valuable insight what you should be hoping for!
Like This Page · February 20
Dear Ones —Help me to understand something.

In the past year, I have overheard no fewer than four women in my personal acquaintance suggest that their lives would be completely solved (and that their creative potential would be completely realized) if only they had married (or could marry) a rich man.

These are women whom I have admired for years. They are different in age, in background, in passions, in upbringing — but they are each strong and smart and competent and completely healthy in mind and body. And each one of them still dreams of snagging a guy with money, who will (presumably) remove all their obstacles and solve all their problems.

The most startling example was a woman who is a powerful, famous writer. This woman is ardent and outspoken feminist. An example to all human sisterhood. A person I have looked up to forever. We did a reading together recently. A young, female audience member asked her, “What advice to you do you have for aspiring writers?” The famous author replied: “Marry a rich man.”

When I heard this, my soul let out an anguished howl. I simply could not contain myself. I cried out, “NOOOOOO!”

The author turned to me in genuine surprise. “But how will she get her writing done, if she has to pay the bills herself?” she asked.

People, listen to me. I wrote my first two books when I was a diner waitress and bartender. I worked as a nanny and a cook, and I stocked other people’s books in a bookstore. I did whatever work I had to do, and I honed my craft in my stolen hours. Hours that belonged solely to ME, because I had bought them myself.

Toni Morrison wrote her first books as a single mother. She did it by getting up at 4:00am while her young son slept, and putting in the hours at the typewriter before she went to her fulltime paycheck-earning job.

My friend Ann Patchett wrote her first books while she was a broke-ass waitress at TGI Fridays in Nashville.

Her friend, the poet Lucy Greeley, wrote her books while she was in numberless hospitals, enduring countless reconstructive surgeries from a lifetime spent battling bone cancer.

Cheryl Strayed, Anne Lamott, Sue Monk Kidd, J.K. Rowling…do you want me to go on?

There are no rich men in any of these stories.

Please help me to understand, then, why this fantasy of the rich man endures. Why would a brilliant, gifted, healthy, powerful woman still hold to the hope that someday a Mr. Darcey will arrive, and open up a world of possibilities that she somehow cannot open for herself?

Whenever I hear this fantasy expressed, in any form, I want to say, “WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY, WOMAN?”

I was practically a baby in the cradle when I first heard Gloria Steinem say that we should strive to become the men we always wanted to marry. I took it to heart. That was 40 years ago. Does it need to be said again?

Can you help me wrap my mind around why this story endures? Can anyone explain this dream in a way that makes any sense to me? Because I really don’t get it. In fact, it makes me want to spit nails and blow fireballs through my ears.

AUTONOMY IS THE GOD OF WOMEN. Never forget that.

Hell, autonomy is the god of everyone.

Which is what I told all the aspiring young writers in the audience that night. And I also told them: “Now go get yours.”

Onward,
LG

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Feb 14

Happy Valentine’s Day – and 2nd Anniversary!

by suddenlysinglewomen

 

 

1656384_478028178968446_441930540_n

Well – I can’t believe my Blog is celebrating it’s 2nd anniversary, the time has flown and hopefully we’ve all grown in our journey to become happier independent women.

Valentine’s Day is hard, because all around you is such a push to commercialization of “love”.  You feel slighted that you don’t have a sweetheart, there are no floral deliveries or mushy cards coming your way.

My college BF proposed on Valentine’s Day 1974, and dumped me on Thanksgiving weekend the same year.  Valentine’s Day 1975 was the first date with the boy who would become my  husband.  As you can see, I’ve not had much luck with the “day”.

I share the above photo because I think the thought rings through for both people who are around you, and your thoughts.  I believe this to be the year that I walk away from those unhealthy people who bring me down.  It is also the year that I attempt to banish the sad thoughts that weigh me down at times like “Valentine’s Day”.

On this year’s Valentine’s Day, I will love myself and celebrate my value to the world.   Join me in my quest, and thank you each and everyone for being with me and supporting me.  Hearts to you!

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Jan 31

Eyes Wide Open –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Do you watch “The Voice”?  I stumbled upon it at the beginning of it’s second season and I’ve been hooked ever since.  I never watched “Idol” or “America’s Got Talent” but something about the combination and chemistry of the judges on this show just speaks to me.  I have a fairly strong musical background and have always had the “suppressed” desire to sing in a microphone.  That doesn’t count the singing and dancing that I sometimes do around my house, much to my dog’s chagrin!

For some reason, last Fall I had so much going on that I got way behind in watching the fifth installment of “The Voice” and I am just now catching up.  I have to brag – I did pick the winners of Season’s Two through Four, and not just because I’m a big Blake Shelton fan – but just because I loved the artists.  So . . . back to the DVR and Season Five!

During one of the Knockout Rounds, Judge Ceelo Green is commenting on a particular artist’s performance.  He said that her singing made him “dream with my eyes open”.   I do that all the time, mostly when I probably should be accomplishing something else – something concrete.  Whether or not you daydream, or dream to sounds of music, or dream of inserting yourself into a good novel you’re reading, or when you are spaced out on the couch, I believe dreaming is a vital part of our daily lives.

Dreaming fosters hope, dreaming with your eyes open lets you envision the possibilities that lay ahead of you and keeps you in the present and moving into the future – not looking backward.   The past shapes us, of that I have no doubt.  But the ability to move forward and make positive things happen in your life is enhanced when you let yourself have a dream – eyes open.

As I write this, I gaze out my window at beautiful snow on the ground and wonder where my dreams will take me?   I’m no longer afraid to dream BIG.  Big dreams cannot hurt you, and they may not always happen as you hope or expect, but they surely might get you moving in the right direction.

So open your eyes and dream . . .

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Jan 22

Memories – Holding On To The Positives Of The Past

by suddenlysinglewomen

I don’t know about you, but I’m really loving the Downton Abbey series on PBS, also known as Masterpiece Classic (as I found out when attempting to set a DVR to record!).  We here in the States just started Season Four.

Whether or not you have a fascination with the past, it is fun for me to see how it was to live in “another time.”   And admitting to it, yes, I like many others have a curiosity about that “upper crust” lifestyle and how semi-royalty wiled away their days and evenings.  For those of you watching, you’ll know Carson, who “runs” the household behind the scenes for the family of the manor.  A rather stoic fellow, who shows very little feeling or heart on most days.

We found out recently that as a younger man, he had a “love interest” who had broken his heart when she picked his best friend over himself.   One assumes he’s never loved again.  Last night one of his staff members surprises him with a gift, a framed photo of his lost love.  She suggests he display it on his desk so the whole staff will see a softer side to Carson.  His next comment had me running for a pen and paper – to share here.

Carson says, “The business of life is the acquisition of memories, in the end that’s all there is.”  It got my attention because as someone who sometimes wastes too much time “reliving the past” in my mind I am full of memories both good and bad.  While I may try very hard to forget the bad memories, and only think about the happy memories, in “the end” – that IS all we have.

Our lives are always going to be a full combination of the sum of those memories, both happy and sad and the key I suppose is knowing how to go forward with those same memories?  Trying not to be bogged down with the unhappy ones – a challenge to be sure.  However we can all try to be happy with the positive ones and living with the hope that on balance, there will be more of those in our future.

Here’s to many more happy ones for all of us in 2014.

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