suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Dec 23

Surviving The Holidays After Divorce – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

http://houston.culturemap.com/news/city_life/12-19-13-how-to-survive-the-holidays-as-a-divorced-parent-5-tips-that-will-help-remove-the-bitter/

Well – we are officially in the “week of” and no matter the makeup of your family, it’s a stressful time.  In the best of family relationships, this week is tough trying to negotiate all the ins and outs of being with loved ones in concentrated doses.

For me – I don’t “do” Christmas at my home if I don’t have my kids around.  Yes, they are adults, but they’re still MY kids.  They do not now, nor will they EVER belong to “her”.  Yet for the sake of fairness, I have to understand that there will be times that I won’t have them under my roof when I awaken on Christmas morning.

The first Christmas post divorce they all were with me.  The second one was my Mother’s 90th birthday so I took she and my brother on a cruise.  It was bizarre.  It was the first Christmas in 28 years that I had not had an offspring with me.  I didn’t like it.  It was the sign of things to come however.  I’ve had to become creative to be someplace else when they’re not going to be with me.

There are many reasons that parents will be separated from their children this year – distance too far to travel, money too tight to get there, children fighting overseas, children who have lost their lives, children who have been abducted or run away – all devastating reasons and certainly a harsher reality than mine.  But in my heart of hearts, even though there are worse reasons many are dealing with, it still hurts to not have them around.

I hope you find a way to have a Merry Merry Christmas this year no matter where you are, who you are or are not with, and find a peacefulness in the “reason for the season”.  For me I’ll be celebrating my Mother’s 95th birthday away from home, but surrounded by love and putting on a “happy face” for when the kids do come – the day “after” . . .

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Dec 14

HO HO HO! ‘Tis The Season To Be . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

. . . Jolly????

I have two more friends that will be spending their first Christmas as a newly “single” person this year.  I feel for how they are going to feel.  I still remember what that was like 6 years ago.  Even though I have adult children, there is this pressure on them to split up “fairly” the time spent with each parent for the holidays.  And now that “he” has a “wife” in the picture, even she thinks she should get to “have” the boys?

I understand – kind of.  After all, I raised them to be fair minded, and this shows an amazing amount of thought on their part on how to keep things balanced.  I, on the other hand, have to wonder why someone who willingly had adulterous affairs, willingly walked out on all of us knowing there would be/should be consequences – gets to have equal time?  Don’t you forego any equal rights when you walk out?

It’s a conundrum, and one that really slaps you in the face at this time of the year.  I have a soon to be 95 year old Mother who will be with me this year since my sons will be with “him”, but how much longer will that last?  Eventually there is going to be a Christmas morning that I have to wake up in a house all by myself with no one to give a Christmas morning greeting to.

I was lunching with girlfriends the other day when the talk naturally turned to the hustle and bustle of this time of the year, and the tasks yet to be completed.  Our gift giving has become quality vs quantity and ability to take “home” in a suitcase vs having to ship.  The one thing that slips through everybody’s mind however is the Christmas stocking.

I always did the stockings, for the spouse, for the boys, for the grandparents (and yes even the dogs!) and the spouse one – mine.  Since the divorce, no one has thought about the fact that no one does Mom’s stocking anymore.  It hangs like a limp noodle year after year.  Since I also used to do all the shopping and wrapping – even for the grandparents – I knew what everyone was getting, including myself since my parents were elderly and unable to get out to purchase.  My stocking was always the one “surprise” that I didn’t have to take care of.

A few years back I finally asked the youngest son to take over the shopping for my Mother to “me”.   This way I’d at least have some surprise.   Now at her age, she doesn’t need anything so this year we have dispensed with exchanging.  Sigh!!

So once again my Christmas stocking will hang empty, and the reminder of what being “alone” at this time of the year comes home to roost.

Please don’t think I don’t acknowledge the “reason for the season” as I do, and it’s that same faith that will get me through the down times again this year.   Just trying to remember what it felt like when someone used to care about filling my stocking . . .

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Nov 27

Giving Thanks Tomorrow? Me Too . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

Happy Thanksgiving to all my followers and web searchers!  At this time of the year, I’m reminded that I have many blessings and many things and people and situations to give thanks for.

Though I’ll run out of letters before I can cover them all, here are a few of my thoughts!

T  –  is for the thanks I give for the most wonderful attorney in the world, during the YOTD!  Love you WB!

H  –  is for the happiness I feel every day to no longer live with someone who always criticized everything.

A  –  is for applauding all those women out there making new starts and showing that they’re strong.

N  –  is for never having to try to change myself just to make someone else love me more, doesn’t work.

K  –  is for kicking myself into gear to move through and past the YOTD into a more fulfilling life.

S  –  is for simply beginning to enjoy my own company, understanding that it’s OK to be on my own.

G  –  is for the guts it took to stand up for my rights, and my self during the process of divorce.

I  –  is for interesting things I learned “after” the YOTD and putting all into perspective.

V  –  is for the victory of finding out that winning isn’t everything, it’s how you play the game that counts.

I  –  is for the integrity that I showed my sons that they as men can and should live by.

N  –  is for not losing hope that there is a reason for this journey and it will one day be made clear.

G  –  is for GREAT friends and family who stuck with me, no matter the pressure.

Sending out blessings to you and yours for the holiday season coming!

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Nov 18

A Bit Of Humor For A Monday – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

0        OK – OK – I know this is irreverent but a dear sweet friend who follows my blog sent this to me and I just couldn’t resist a little bit of humor for a Monday.  Thanks KO!!

I promise you this is shared with you totally tongue in cheek, because even though infidelity was ultimately the “beginning of the end” for my 30 year marriage, there are always multiple things that go “wrong” and at least two sides to every coin, right?

The further the distance grows between the marriage and my new single life, the clearer some things become when I really look long and hard.  Sometimes it’s too uncomfortable to look back and try to dissect all the things that went wrong, or to acknowledge all the warning signs that were there.  Closing your eyes is easy.

We all deal with difficult things in different ways.  My way was to try to “fix”, first myself, then the relationship.  It not only could not be fixed, but at that point it really wasn’t worth all the effort I put into saving a marriage that he had already “checked out” of.

I’d have done anything to spare my sons the pain and suffering of learning the truth about a man who preached ethics and morality and integrity, but chose not to live by those same things.   You reach a time however when the most important person you need to protect and take care of is just yourself.  It’s scary and frightening especially as we age to think about being alone, with no one around to help take care of us or guide us or hold us.

Take heart though, as I have learned, I am strong, I am resilient and so can you be.  Your divorce is not “The End”.  You will not know real freedom or feel true release until you try – and whether your love was interrupted by a slut like the above cartoon or not, be the better person and rise above it all.  The view up here can be pretty wonderful!

 

 

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Nov 13

“When Harry Met Sally” – A Classic, But Realtiy?

by suddenlysinglewomen

We all loved that movie.  I’ve watched it multiple times and even own the DVD.  You never know when you might want an uplift right?

But is that movie really based in reality, or is it just Hollywood wishful thinking?  They went from being friends, to having a sexual relationship, to being awkward friends, to falling in love and ultimately getting together (or so it’s implied and we “romantics” would like to think).

I was married for 30 years.  We were 22 and 23 when we got married.  He’d dated a lot and had many relationships, I had not.  When we were together, I had no trouble having fun conversations and sharing activities with men.  I was married, I was safe – there were no expectations.

I now feel very awkward thinking about having men friends.  And I don’t know about you, but I haven’t met many men who WANT to be friends with a single woman.  At my age, most single men are that way for a reason.  Talk about emotionally unavailable?  The last thing on their minds is wanting to have a woman “friend”.  They can have their pick of the litter and they know it.  We single ladies of a certain age?  Not so much!

Even if I have the opportunity to go to a night time event (remember, it’s a couple’s world) I generally refuse the invitation because I can’t find a nice male “friend” to be my companion.  And if there is one, they have no problem with you paying for that event ticket for the two of you.   Rarely is there a “Well hey, then let me take you to dinner!”   They think being seen in public with you implies they are “off the market” or “taken”.  Heaven forbid they should miss out on the next “flavor of the month” if they’re seen as part of a couple, or in a relationship.

If it does however turn into a sexual relationship, do you really think you can stay friends with that man after the intimacy (for whatever reason) is over?  I don’t think so.   You want a friend?  They want sex!  You then expect a relationship or monogamy?  They want space.

I guess this “Sally” just hasn’t met her “Harry” yet.

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Nov 4

Friends Who Are Married? OR Married Friends?

by suddenlysinglewomen

In Chapter Four of “With Or Without A Man” there’s a brief mention of “Married Friends” quoting:

   “I have a number of married friends.  Sometimes I get together with them, just as a couple, and sometimes I bring my married and single friends together.  It all depends on the activity, what we’re going to be doing.

The old adage “Two’s company, three’s a crowd,” or the phrase “the fifth wheel,” are relics of the past.  Many single women have found friendships with couples to be rewarding.”

Well – she’s a lucky girl!

I don’t know about you, all situations are different but I have found just the opposite.  I have many friends who are married, but when it comes to doing things with them as a “couple”?  Doesn’t happen.  Of course there are a precious few married couples from my “past” married life who I still see, but they are totally made up of couples where the wives’ were my friends first for many many years.

As to going out with them?  Not so much.  During the YOTD (Year of the Divorce), most of the couples that I considered really close friends fled from the chaos.  At a time when just an invite to meet them at the club or a restaurant for a quick bite would have meant SO much to me – they disappeared.  Perhaps they didn’t want to be seen as “taking sides?”    Was I wrong to be so hurt and so let down?  I’ve learned through the years that it’s a big mistake to assume that people will treat you the way that you would treat them in a similar situation.

Before my YOTD, I’d only had a couple of friends go through divorce.  However, I made a real effort to involve them in the things that we as couples had always done.  I made sure they didn’t sit home alone for dinner on their birthdays.  I checked in with them to see how they were doing and if there was anything I could do to help them through a painful time.

Have you had continued relationships with your “married friends” as couples or do you find it awkward to be the fifth person at a table for four?   Married couples hang out with married couples, you become the inconvenient friend.   Six years after the divorce I still miss the camaraderie I had with some of those couples but I’m learning to move on and let them go.

And to those couples who DO NOT mind hanging out with me??  Thank you from the bottom of my lonely heart.  You’ve earned a special place in that heart and you inspire me to keep moving forward.  I shall continue to “press on”!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Sep 27

Bring On The Legos – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Continuing with excerpts from the book “With or Without a Man” by Karen Gail Lewis, I’ve moved on to Chapter 3, page 38 focusing on the section:  “Building A Single World”.

“In the same way a couple has to build a married life, a single woman has to build a single life.  As formerly married women return to being single, they all need to develop a world that reflects the values and lifestyles of their adulthood, and that meets their needs for a rich and satisfying life – with or without a man.

What does it mean to build a single world?  It means you don’t put your life on hold until there is a man.  It means you don’t have control over making an emotionally available man appear, but you can take control of the tools available to you and design the best life you can for yourself.  It means accepting that life may not be exactly as you would have wished, but that’s true for most people – even married women!  It means no waiting, no dangling.  It means no self-blame because you have not met a man YOU want to marry.”

The author suggests you ask yourself the questions:  “What is is I want?  What is it I need to make my life as fulfilling as possible now?

In my opinion, those are tough questions all people need to ask themselves but for we single women – we’re the only ones making those decisions that determine our path into our future.

For me it was a new feeling, being able to determine what it was that I wanted to do with my life.  I’d gone from being a daughter, to a wife, to a mother with no time to really explore my dreams or what I wanted to be when I “grow up”.  It’s almost like a gift to now be able to make those decisions and set goals to reach my dreams.  I went from doing what my father told me was “right”, to doing what my spouse told me was “expected”, to having a whole new world open up in front of me.

Scary?  Yes.   Easy?  No!  I wasn’t sure when I was first divorced that I had the building tools available to create a new and satisfying life.  Once you can let go of the thought that you HAVE to have a man to make your life “whole”, an array of possibilities can open up before you.  I tried to never rush into any major decisions when I was first on my own, but something so little as being able to choose your own flavor of toothpaste can have a surprisingly uplifting effect on your life!

“Building a single world doesn’t mean making a commitment to being single.  It means making a commitment to enjoying your life in the present.”

So for me, I’m going to take each day one lego piece at a time, and build a firm foundation on which to launch my new life from – the new me.  Get ready world, because like it or not, here I come!

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Feb 20

When Everyone Says “Move On”?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Such simple advice, great if you are in a position to listen to it. For some people it just takes time, no one can push you thru it as it states. Move at your own speed, take care of yourself – for if you were married as long as I was, and now you’re not – take time to just be “you”, and take care of “you” – you deserve it!!

notherapistneeded's avatarSpeaking Girl 2.0

Today might not be the day you are ready to start fresh. No one can force or push a person to start fresh if they are not ready. If you are ready today, then GREAT!! If you need more time then take that time! Here are FIVE types to help starting fresh a little easier…

 

F   orgive yourself for being angry. Forgive those around you that have hurt you. – Think of this forgiveness as a key to healing and finding peace within. Holding grudges or being angry with someone will only cause you more hurt. TRY to find that forgiveness. I know you can.

R emember that good things in life. Repeat to yourself what you are thankful for. Remember that life is too precious to waste on being sad and angry. REMEMBER you are worthy of a happy life.

E nergize your life. Keep active. Get…

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