suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Jan 24

Lesson #14

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Life is too short for long pity parties.  Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

Well . . . tell me how you REALLY feel!

I see this a lot when I’m together with a group of divorced, single women.  To be fair, I think we all have days like this whether we’re single and alone, or with a significant other and in a relationship.  Everyone has bad days and since we do, there is the occasional pity party.  That’s normal.

What is not normal is if it continues on to be the focus of your every day.  We all have friends like this, the world is always sour to them.  They get started on the “woe is me, poor me”  and you want to throw your hands up and say stop!!  (Or at least leave the room)

People like this can suck the oxygen out of the room; they are a total buzz kill. My guess is 9 times outta 10, they don’t even realize it, so mired in self pity they are.

Can you help them?  Maybe.  The one thing you can do for sure is make sure you’re not one of them.  You reach a time when you can tell that your friends and family just don’t want to hear about it anymore.  That’s a sign that they’ve moved on and they are thinking so should you.

You may not be ready to move on, but seeking a different outlet might be the best course of action.  Perhaps it’s time to seek professional help?  Look around you and find the positives and convince yourself to celebrate those – now that’s a party we’d all like to attend.

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Jan 22

Lesson #12

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Don’t compare your life to other’s.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.”

This one is tough for me, because the interpretation can be so many different things.

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning if you think your’s is so much worse, you have no idea what they’re really going through?

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning if you think your’s is so much better, you might have misjudged just how happy they really are?

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning that no two life’s experiences and journeys are alike?

I feel like it’s mostly the first one, but could be any of them.

I once had a friend say in a group that “If you sit around a circle and everyone throws their problems in the middle, after looking at what everyone else is going through, you will more than likely pick yours right back up.”

I will be truthful and admit that at certain times I have been “envious” of others and wished my life to be more like theirs.  However, when we delve behind the scenes, their perfect lives are rarely what we think they are.

My 2016 quest has begun by acknowledging that I am content with who I am, proud of my accomplishments and challenged to learn even more about who I am and what I can be “when I grow up”!   My journey is mine alone, I’m learning what it is all about, and I’m so glad you’re along with me.

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jan 21

Lesson #11

by suddenlysinglewomen

“It’s OK to let children see you cry.”

Wow, I really lucked out on this one – if you can call it that.  My sons were 26 and 23 when their father’s adultery came to light (in their eyes, I and my friends had known about it for 4+ years).  I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through when you have young kids and they learn of a parent’s betrayal.

Seems to me this life lesson wants to humanize the drama and trauma of just being human.  Humans cry when hurt – both physically and emotionally.

When my adult sons saw/heard me cry, it was not so much from the hurt, as from the sheer frustration of the divorce process itself.  Sons do NOT like to see/hear their Mom’s cry – that much became clear.  I did my best to keep it inside – but sometimes, it just burst forth.

I understand that they don’t want to see the other parent as a cad, a mean person, totally lacking in empathy and decency.  It’s one of the main reasons I never told them while the first two affairs were going on;  I tried so hard to spare them from the truth.

Today I would handle it differently, and I would let them know what it was doing to me.  Today I would let them see me cry.  The outcome would not be any different, except I probably would have been divorced in my 40’s instead of my 50’s.

Children have a tremendous ability to recover and rise above; you can let them see you cry.  You are, after all, human.

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Jan 20

Lesson #10

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.”

I have to say, this has been written about many times in this blog, although said in different ways and mostly referring to not messing up the future.  However, every day you get up – it’s the present and you have to get through your present day before you take on your future.

Some of these are just brilliant enough to not need a lot of commentary, this is one of them.  It’s simple yet so totally true.

It’s like the earlier life lesson about not holding onto your anger.  The past is the past, it’s in the rearview mirror – be done with it.

Learn from it, embrace the mistakes made and the lessons learned.  Release the hold over your heart that the past has, and enjoy a new peace in 2016!  Can I hear an “Amen”?

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Jan 19

Lesson #9

by suddenlysinglewomen

“When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.”

Need I say more??

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Jan 16

Lesson #6

by suddenlysinglewomen

“You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.”

Boy was THAT what I was married to for 30 years.

I am not a fighter, I back away from fights.  I don’t start them, and I don’t like to be pulled into them – which mostly makes the person fighting with you try even harder.

I don’t like arguments because . . . really?  Who wins?  Give me a sports event, and yes, there is eventually a winner and therefore, a loser.  But in my opinion, in any kind of an argument, you rarely change the other person’s opinion or point of view, so probably you don’t really win, the other person just quits, gives up (or gives in).

How civilized, to agree to disagree.  The old saying “there’s two sides to every coin” can go along way here.

So the next time someone tries to draw you into a fruitless argument, just thank them for their opinion, and agree to disagree.

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Jan 14

Lesson #4

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.”

Ain’t it the truth?

Haven’t we all had occasions that we found out that things we’ve done, goals we’ve accomplished, comments we’ve made – are only really that important to us?

Do you ever get the feeling that people sometimes just wanna tell you BFD?

There are times when I sit down to write this blog and I wonder if anything I say here really matters to anyone other than myself.  If this were “public speaking”, I could gauge the audience, and/or you could just walk out.

Here I have no idea whether you think I’m crazy or not.

I am coming very close to finalizing a “book deal” though, and that is a marketable, measurable tool.  Till then, I’ll “seriously” hope that this 45 day quest we’re on together does help you/me have a better and happier 2016!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jan 13

Lesson #3

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Life is too short to waste time hating someone.”

You hear this one all the time, but boy is it hard to accomplish, especially if that someone is an ex husband who really hurt you.

I have a friend from my Divorce Recovery Group who says it this way, “Don’t give him free rent in your brain” – gotta love it!

But this statement can be about anyone whom you feel has wronged you in any way, at any time.  It’s really really hard to let go of that anger at times, especially when you see them move on so easily with their life with a smile on their face and with a much younger woman.  Or you see a friend you were really close to just walk away from your friendship as if you never mattered in the least.  Or you have a family member lie about you, take advantage of you, ignore your relationship.

The experts will tell you that the only person you are hurting with your hatred is yourself.  The other person could care less that you no longer have positive happy thoughts about them – they’re “outta there” – they have moved on without so much as an “oops, sorry, didn’t mean it”.

I can remember the first time I saw the ex with Mrs. ex and my blood turned to ice, my heart started thumping so hard I thought it surely was visible on the outside of my body.  My ears rang and my face flushed.  That was anger welling up in side me and it was all I could do to keep it there.

You soon realize that it doesn’t bother him or anyone else the way it bothers you.  Is the person who did you wrong worth wrecking your health and emotional well being over?  NO!   You need to just “Fuhgeddaboutit” or however they say it in the “Sopranos”.

Don’t waste your time thinking those darks thoughts; don’t waste your time on those hurtful people again.  Don’t give them free rent in your brain – they are SOOOOOOO not worth it.  Dig deep for that smile and start wearing it, you’ll look and feel so much better  (and get way fewer frown wrinkles) when you do.

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Passive Agressive Behavior Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jan 12

Lesson #2

by suddenlysinglewomen

Tired of me yet?  Just kidding . . . I know we can do this 45 days together and feel better about the outlook of our 2016 so here goes #2!

Lesson #2:

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

Boy can I associate with this one.  How often do we set ourselves up to fail because we set the goals too high, too far, too fast?

I have plenty of doubt, especially when trying something new.  Someone once told me that if I would “lower” my expectations, I wouldn’t be constantly disappointed.  This applies to me personally, to my ex (when we were married), my children, my friends, my hobbies, my job – you name it.

But should we have to lower our expectations?

You/We/I need a strong foundation, Rome wasn’t built in a day.  If we’re going to achieve something, then maybe we need to break it down into small manageable steps.  After all, don’t most weight loss programs tell you one pound at a time?

You don’t immediately start a free weight exercise with a 20 pound weight without working up to it.  You don’t run a marathon if you’ve never even run a single mile.

Small steps – that’s going to be my aim for making changes in my life this year.  Manageable and measurable – reminding myself to just take the next small step.

Eventually – you are/we are/I am gonna get there.  See you tomorrow!

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Jan 11

45 Days of Positive Directions! Can You Do It??

by suddenlysinglewomen

New Year’s Resolutions.  You make ’em, you break ’em.  Sometimes you actually make a change, sometimes and more often (like all those weight loss promises) you give up.  But what if you break it down?  What if they become more easily attainable?  Why do we set ourselves up repeatedly for failure?  I’m going to try something new and you all are my unwitting victims, or should I say test subjects?

This will be tough on me too – I promise.

I recently was forwarded a message containing these 45 Life Lessons by one of the MOST “together and positive” ladies that I know.  I kid you not, I’ve never heard her say a negative word, never not (my favorite double negative) seen a smile on her face.  She is one of those!!

I told her I was going to share this, and thanked her for the inspiration.  You see, you all ARE my inspirations because I want and wish for all of us in 2016 that we become the best versions of ourselves possible.

So for the next 45 days I’m going to be sending you, once a day, one each day, a “life lesson” to think about.  Get ready inbox, I don’t usually punish you like this, and you may get tired of me but hey – – – that’s what the delete button is for.

Some days I might throw in how that day’s life lesson has changed or altered my life, some days I might just list it and let you think on it.  If you have thoughts, please share them but at least you’ll know I’m working hard at being a better person for you all, and mostly for me.

Credit given where credit is due.  These are taken from New York Times bestselling author Regina Brett, who wrote “God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours”.

Stick with me!!

Lesson 1:

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

Some of you may disagree, but within the larger picture of MY 62 years, I would have to agree.  Looking back at the curve balls and sliders that life has pitched at me, I can willingly say that for the most part – it has been good.

I have good health, I can pay my bills and even, at times and with careful planning do extra fun wonderful things.  I have two incredibly talented and intelligent sons, married to two beautiful women who adore them.  I have (at this point!) two beautiful and healthy grandchildren and scores of real friends that I know I can count on.

There are times, yes, that my aloneness haunts me – and I wonder if I’ll ever enjoy a true love match in the time I have left on this earth.  But if I had to ascend to heaven tomorrow without notice, I would be proud of what I’ve accomplished and tell you that my life IS good.

So when I start to think that life isn’t fair, and that self pity fairy starts circling my head – in 2016 I promise myself that I will know that even if that fairy lands, I can shake her off because 95% of the time, my life is still pretty durned good.

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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