suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Oct 2

Over Think Things? Who Me??

by suddenlysinglewomen

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So the last time I tried posting a photo it didn’t work.  Well tarnation!  So I’m going to try again.  I’m thinking maybe I know the reason why it didn’t come through, so we’ll test it with this one!!

Hopefully you can see it – the photo is a beautiful sunset, or maybe even a sunrise, hard to know without perspective of which direction the photographer was facing.  I choose to call it a sunset – those are my favorites!!

The caption below the sunset reads, “When you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.  Relax, breathe, let go, and just live.”

Easier said than done.

I’ve been traveling a lot lately.  Earlier in September my eldest son got married in San Diego.  Beautiful place, San Diego.  Except that they broke heat records that had last been set in the 1800’s, and this was an outside wedding.  We gals from Texas know a thing or two about sweating . . . uh, sorry, . . . I mean “glowing”.  We were glowing for sure.  Lucky for me I had my hair professionally done, as well as my makeup.  Nothing short of a chisel and hammer was going to let my hair fall or my make-up run.  I had to “relax, breathe, and let go.”  Can’t control the weather.

Last weekend I traveled back to my home state and attended my college alma mater’s football game.  We are NOT having a stellar season.  I took along three friends who had never attended a college game in a stadium of this magnitude.   It seats 100,000+, it’s impressive.  We did not win but we came durn close.  For me to relax, breathe and let go while I’m so busy jumping up and down and yelling – is tough.  Control the outcome of the game?  Kinda like controlling the weather.  After all, you’re at the mercy of 18-20 year olds, and some REALLY bad refereeing.

And even though I swore off dating, I relented and a while back had a really nice time with a man that a friend introduced me to.  Tall, employed, nice looking, polite, well educated – could it be??  Travels a lot for his job so the second date came a mere three months after the first one, LOL!   I invite him to my house for dinner with other friends in town.  Goes great – he clearly does not want to go home.  Then he decides he might be interested in another person, so he goes away, but that person doesn’t work out.  So he tries to get back in the picture – but at first just by texting, then calling, then asking how the wedding was, then showing up at the football game weekend last weekend to “surprise” me – knowing that I had girlfriends with me.

Not exactly a way to have a good conversation with a person, to decipher his intentions.  But what I’m starting to remind myself of from day to day is I absolutely have no control over another person, how they act, what they say, who they see.  I cannot control the weather, I cannot control the outcome of a sporting event, and I sure as heck (not the word that first entered my mind) cannot control whether someone thinks I’m special enough to want to be with.

So maybe this weekend I can finally relax, breathe, let go and just live – that is until kick-off at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow!

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Aug 12

Laissez Les Bonnes Temps Roulez

by suddenlysinglewomen

I’ve always loved that phrase.  Being as close to the state of Louisiana as I am, I hear it a lot, most especially before, during and right after Mardi Gras.

“Let The Good Times Roll”!

Amen!

The older I get, the more I might be persuaded to let that phrase dictate my life’s adventures “post divorce”.  What do you think?

The bad times, when they roll, they roll over you and smush you like one of those big pieces of road working equipment rolling over new asphalt.  You get flattened.

So in my ongoing quest to be more “positive” and “move on” with my life, letting the good times roll seems a lot more fun than letting the bad ones smush.  (Spellcheck doesn’t like “smush” but I do.  After all, being from Texas, we smush a lot, mostly bugs – but you get my drift)

So as we approach a weekend in the heat of the summer I’m thinking we should all take on the Cajun attitude of “Laissez Les Bonnes Temps Roulez” and see what mischief we can get ourselves into.  Grab some friends, make a plan, shed the “negative” and let’s get this new attitude “rolling”!!  Wha’dya say?

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Jul 24

Borrowed From A Friend’s FB Posting:

by suddenlysinglewomen

It’s fun to look at Facebook, altho’ I’m pretty sure the younger people (who I laughingly refer to as the “youngers”) who got it going, have wished they didn’t share it with the “olders”.  Hey – we weren’t born with a keyboard in our lap, a mouse in our hand, and ear buds in our ears – but we do catch on!!

It’s a fun way for me to see what my friends are doing, and it took a while for my son’s to actually “friend” me, but there you go – I’m on FB!!

The other day, I read the below posting from a person who used to be in my life on a more regular basis.  Her husband and my ex used to be Execs together in an Energy company.  She is what you would call a “force of nature”, I think you’ll see that when you read her musings.  I just couldn’t help but copy it here for you to read.  All great thoughts to ponder!!  Enjoy and share!!

I’ll call them:  Thoughts From KK

 

“I had someone say to me yesterday “oh if I had your life” — I cringed the moment the words came from her lips. I started feeling the pressure of having to live up to other peoples standards or image. That is a have burden to carry, trust me. My life is not any different than the norm — I have highs and lows. I started thinking this morning about what is important in life …. here are a few things I have journaled in my past. I am sure I will add to it — but feel free to tell me yours and share them with anyone else that may read this. No one has all the answers — but never stop looking for them. (How Miss America did I just sound writing that?? I almost gave myself a diabetic coma)

1. Make peace with your past so you don’t screw up the present and carry that baggage to the future. Basically, stop thinking so much, because your thoughts are the root of most of your problems. Life is not fair — My Dad used to say “KK, ‘Fair’ is where you get cotton candy and ride the ferris wheel.” No one OWES you anything. You are only responsible for yourself.

2. Don’t be concerned what others think of you (this one is hard for me) Fear of social judgment also makes people think small. Accomplishing anything big is going to annoy some people, who will try to deter you. To really have an impact, you can’t let them get in your way. Never be afraid to your dream that you think others will laugh at… NEVER EVER.

3. Time heals almost everything. I always ask myself when I think its the most catastrophic thing — “How will this affect me 5 hours from now? Five months from now? Five years from now?” Forget those who did you wrong, because they definitely forgot you.

4. Don’t compare your life to others. Try not to truly judge others — you have no idea what their journey is about or what brought them to where they are. Always take the high road, because the low road is never as fun. Never judge on first impressions, because people always surprise you.

5. Remember, its ok not to know all the answers. They weight of the world can burden you from thinking clearly. You will find clarity when you least expect it. Be the person you want to be, because you have to see that person every day.

6. NO ONE is in charge of your happiness but you!! Stop trying to turn to others for approval and guidance how you should live your life for yourself. Follow your heart, because there’s no better guide. The book, “Co-Dependent No More” is a game-changer, trust me! Read it!

7. Smile and keep some things sacred. Stay true to yourself, because no one wants to be a follower.

8. Help those in need, because you never know when you’ll need them. If you can… then you do.

9. Give thanks, because it’s way better than asking for forgiveness. At the end of the day, appreciation and validation go very far.

10. Remember the good times, because bad times will give you an ulcer. Trust me on this, I suffer from bleeding ulcers. Keep a journal incase you forget the good times.

11. Nothing happens monumental to those that are lazy or have false expectations. Just bust your ass and work hard for it. People will respect you for your accomplishments and visions more that way.

12. Start today dreaming big, because small dreams are never worth the chase. Don’t let anyone else tell you that it cannot be done.

13. Choose your words carefully, because it can and will come back to you eventually — the good ones and the not so good ones.

14. If you can count your TRUE FRIENDS on one hand and have three fingers left over you are blessed.

15. Avoid Excess. (This is one of the toughest battles I have) Live life in harmony and balance. Avoid excesses. Even good things, pursued or attained without moderation, can become a source of misery and suffering. You cannot take material things with you when your time on this earth is over. My Daddy used to always say “I have never seen a u-haul behind a hearse” Conspicuous consumption doesn’t lend you anything but haters. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

16. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. Do things with them that blow their mind. Its ok for them to see you cry. Create a bond now and it will be hard to break later.

17. Its simple, what you allow is what will continue. Truly its not rocket science.

18. If you want to be happy – its not THAT hard — just love what you do and believe in what you do.

19. Praise others for every situation – even if they did something small. At the end of the day we all want validation and praise goes a long way.

20. Take care of your body,… Wear sunscreen, floss and try to eat right 75% of the time. When you want to cry, If you are depressed eat the pint of ice cream and then walk around the block. If you only have $10 in your pocket give the money to the homeless guy on the corner. These gestures are natures prozac.

Again, these are MY notes…. create your own and reflect on them often.”

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Jul 3

As A Follow Up To My Post About Picking Men Like You Pick Your Horses?

by suddenlysinglewomen

I just couldn’t resist adding this cute list of reasons to date a female who rides horses!!  Of course the real people who should see this aren’t followers of mine – but I thought you all would get a kick out of it just the same!!

Enjoy and have a fun holiday week.  Happy July 4th to all and be safe.

 

http://www.horsecollaborative.com/10-reasons-to-date-a-horse-girl/

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Jun 27

When Life Is Like The Movies?

by suddenlysinglewomen

I never saw the movie “Fifty First Dates”.  A rather silly premise that a woman has no memory of each “first date” with the same man, over and over?  Good thing that man must have a strong ego, wouldn’t you begin to wonder about yourself after being forgotten by the same person 50 times?

My dilemma?  I can’t seem to be remembered after the “first” date!!  Who gets fifty chances?  I wish there were exit interviews these men had to go through (with honesty – too much to ask for??) so we at least had some clue why there is never a “second” date?

There were a couple early on post divorce where there was more than one date, but those were long ago.  In that past 4-5 years, no “seconds”.  I suppose if my eating habits were like my dating I’d be really skinny!!

You have what you think is a lovely time.  You have many things in common, many subjects to talk about.  They say all the right things.  They suggest that we should “do this again”.  Afterwards, you’re feeling pretty good that you will see this person after the appropriate amount of waiting time.  You’re not suggesting wedding bells, you’re just thinking that next time you’ll share your favorite restaurant and your thoughts on some new topics of conversation.

After this first date, there may be a couple of phone calls, some flirty texts, a comment or two on your Facebook adventures.  Heaven forbid, there might even be a phone message wishing you a Happy Birthday.  When you next talk you share travel schedules, etc. but there is never the next “ask”, only suggestion . . . .    WHAT??

And they say women tease?  This is NOT Middle School.  I took myself off of the dating websites because they were a waste of time and completely about filling someone’s corporate pockets full of the money of lonely people trusting profiles filled out by total strangers.

If I went out again, it would just be with someone KNOWN by a friend of mine, or a suggestion of a colleague who knows my personality.  Safer right?

In my life that movie title certainly means something totally different.  So, as summer really begins to heat up, what is cooling down in my life is the desire to even try anymore.  As I’ve said before – Netflix is the way to go!

Maybe I’ll watch “Fifty First Dates” this weekend . . .

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Jun 12

Ha!! An Equine Perspective??

by suddenlysinglewomen

Some of my followers “know me” personally.  Some of you have never met me but share some of life’s challenges.  For the last group, I’ll share with you that I’m a horse nut.

I grew up wanting a pony, but my Father always said “no”!  He’d take me riding, but never wanted to be responsible for them.  : -(

Later when married I still wanted one, but had graduated to the taller variety of equine.  I dreamed of having a horse, but my husband always said “no”!  He would NOT take me riding, that I had to do on my own with friends who had extra mounts!

The horse “ailment” is something that never really goes away.  If you have it, it’s pretty much for life (unlike my marriage, right?).  When I saw this article, it made me laugh out loud.  I’ve had much better luck choosing horses, than I have had choosing men.  It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

For a bit of humor, I hope you enjoy this woman’s perspective on picking men from a “horsey” point of view!!  She’s right on the money!

http://www.horsecollaborative.com/boyfriends-horses-id-better-picking/

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Jun 3

Doing Things Alone? Choice or Not?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sometimes I have the VERY best of intentions.  I go through phases of being really glad I’m alone, to times of being really lonely.  My intentions are to become more settled with the “alone” life – to learn not be annoyed at not being in possession of a “plus one” – no where close (to having a plus one OR being settled about it).

I read articles all the time on the merits of being alone.  I attend events alone and I feel like I have a sign around my neck that says:  “Can’t get a date”!   My friends tell me not to be silly, it’s totally acceptable to be “sans man” at an event, at a dinner, in life.

When I have traveled, I have gone to restaurants alone and tried to look comfortable – but I’m just not.  Where do you look??  My eyes end up down, staring at my food.  I like conversation with my meals, shoot . . . , I like conversation period.  The service staff try to be friendly and perky, but they have other customers so you feel guilty taking up too much of their time.

Going to the movies alone was one of my first forays into the “single world” again.  You sit in the dark, no one notices or if they do, you don’t feel so obvious.  Besides, you don’t have to share your popcorn with anyone else, right?

So I believe one of my next “good intentions” to work on is embracing doing things alone and becoming more comfortable with it.  I share the blog below to further my resolve!!

But hey, if you’re up for hanging out – – – give me a call!!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2015/05/02/why-you-should-really-start-doing-more-things-alone/?tid=hybrid_experimentrandom_2_na

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May 18

Where’s The “Pause” Button?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sometimes in my life I wish, like on the TV remote, there was a “pause” button.  When things are moving too fast or not going the way you want, or have planned, wouldn’t it be nice to just hit PAUSE?

I guess that would be too easy?

I don’t like change; I get very settled in and comfortable.  There is a certain ease that comes along with being predictable, of knowing the future and all that it entails.  I’m a planner and when those plans go awry it’s disconcerting – to say the least.

It can be something as small as having movie plans for days with four friends for a Friday night, and that day two people cancel.  It can be something as large as reviewing your longterm financial plans with your money manager only to be told that something you love and are passionate about, you are going to have to give up.

You live a good life, you are a friend to others, you follow the rules, you help out any time there is a need.  You honor your faith, your family and your friends yet still disappointing things happen.  It becomes obvious that you do not get to ask “why?” because there is no clear cut answer.  Sometimes things just don’t go your way, sometimes people and their actions are going to disappoint you, sometimes LIFE is going to disappoint you.

You want to hit the “pause” button and catch your breath and figure things out.  No such luck.  There is no “pause” button in life, you just muddle through the best you can.

I’m reminded of the classic line in the Cher movie, “Moonstruck” when she slaps the guy and says, “Snap out of it!”   I need to learn how to snap out of it because there is no pause button and life is going to keep moving on regardless of my wishes, dreams and desires.

If you ever need to figure out how to deal with your life, just listen to a C&W song!

“Brick by brick, you let it go, as you walk away from everything you know.”

This is going to be a very hard week for me as I walk away from something I love because I can no longer “afford” it.  I wish there was a “pause” button so I wouldn’t have to give it up but alas – not to be.  If you’ve ever had to do the same thing, I feel your pain and I know you feel mine.  I’m just going to have to snap out of it I suppose . . .

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Apr 28

Thanks For Your Input! (NOT!!)

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sometimes those well-meaning people in your life are just . . . too . . . you know . . . well meaning?  I know they “mean well”, but seriously, I didn’t ask!  Sometimes I do ask, case in point, when my TV set up isn’t working or my computer is shutting me down – I ask the experts – my sons!  Of course mainly I get the reply “Mom, Google is your friend.”  OK – fine!

But what do you do when those times roll around that people are offering you their thoughts and their unsolicited advice?  I never want to hurt their feelings, they do have my best interests at heart, but sometimes it’s just too much.

I recently read a short article on how to handle these situations when they arise and I got a chuckle out of it.  I wish I had the ability to remember these “come backs” when I need them, but chances are I won’t.  This one I may practice though!  The article suggests:

“Unsolicited counsel can trigger reactions ranging from gratitude to feelings of inadequacy to anger, . . . The quickest fix?  Be direct.  Say, “Thank you for trying to help me, but I might have given the wrong impression.  I’m not actually looking for advice.”

You might also consider tweaking your own conversational style.  Sure, it could be that your nearest and dearest are busybodies, but maybe they’re jut looking for a way to connect with you.  Friends and family may be naturally inclined to offer guidance if, say, you tend to do a lot of venting or complaining.  And, honestly, even if that’s not the case, you’re less likely to be offered unwanted suggestions if you steer the discussions.”

It’s a fine line to know when to accept and when to ignore or decline.  I have two adult sons who always have my best interests in their minds when they start offering unsolicited advice.  Sometimes it reminds me too much of my EX, sometimes it’s spot on.  Sometimes it’s just plain awkward.

If you’re paying a professional for services, then mostly I would think you should listen to their direction, after all that is what you’re paying them for.  It comes to mind that these would include Doctors, Financial Advisors, CPA’s filing your tax returns, Lawyers – to name a few, but even then, you have a right to question and not take it as the gospel.

I have a friend who years ago worked with me in the Development Department of a Non-Profit.  People were constantly offering unsolicited advice to her about the way she should do her job.  She would always smile a beautiful smile while saying, “Thanks for your input”, but that twinkle in her eye told me that she wasn’t the least bit interested in hearing, or acting upon their opinion.  It became our “inside” joke.

Here’s to knowing when to say – enough!

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Apr 20

Bouncing Back Better – Part Deaux!

by suddenlysinglewomen

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Last week I shared some pointers I’d seen in the AARP Newsletter and promised I’d get back with some “further” thoughts!  So here goes:

1)  Don’t rush it.   There was nothing “rushed” about my divorce.   Luckily for women in the State of Texas, we have Community Property.  After a year + of “h*ll”, it was done.

The next thing that was not rushed was what I would call “recovery”.  Life does not just move on, it’s a struggle.  You’ve been thrown a curve ball, a slider, a sinker,  I could go on all day with the sports metaphors but truth is, you’re unbalanced (and I mean that in a good way).  You need to take the time to reacquaint yourself WITH yourself.  You’ve changed and it takes time to see your way through to this next phase of your life.  You are ALONE!  No matter your support system, you’re going to need to do a lot of this on your own.  Take your time and get to know the person inside; let the new woman emerge as better and brighter than before!

2)  Consult others.  This is so important.  It can be your family, your best friend, a professional therapist, a member of the clergy, a support group – many choices and only you will know what is best or possible for you.  Some are free, some come with cost – but all should be considered when seeking guidance to steer you through this important next phase.  You’re laying the groundwork for the next 20, 30, 4o years of your life.  Don’t you think that’s important enough to get some feedback?  A good listening ear is worth it.

Maybe you just need to hear yourself talk, maybe you really do want some answers?  Regardless of your state of mind, few can get through to the other side without some kind of help.  If people offer, take them up on it.  If they don’t, maybe consider that they’re just waiting to be asked.  If they’re not interested in listening or helping,  you’ll know pretty quickly so you can move away from them and look elsewhere.  It’s not a sign of weakness to seek help, it’s a sign of strength in acknowledging that you want to get to a better place.

3)  Think positive.  It’s all in the way you spin it in your mind.  Yep, no doubt about it, divorce sucks!  I really used to despise that word when my sons, then late teens and early 20’s, used it.  Boy does it apply though.  It just totally sums up what you’re going through.  You wonder if you’ll ever smile again, if you’ll ever love again, if you’ll ever feel cherished again?  You will.  Find a reason to smile, love yourself and cherish the time you have left on this earth to fulfill a dream, a destiny, a purpose.

There are no instant fixes but having a positive outlook will help  you get there much faster.  Not saying it’s not OK to have some dark thoughts, you will, I still do.  I can happily report though that they seem to be further and further apart these days.  Little things will set them off, that need to have a pity party but just don’t let it rule your thoughts every day.  Never let it be an excuse for bad behavior, there are enough people out there exhibiting their own bad behavior for you to be adding to it.  Having trouble making yourself happy?  Then try finding ways to make others happy by doing nice, unexpected things for them.  That alone can get you in a positive frame of mind.  Just today while outside enjoying a nice spring day (after three months of rain, gloom and doom) while walking the dogs, I passed by a neighbor’s house where the yardman was putting in some spring color.  He hopped up out of the way of my two large canines and noticing his work I smiled at him and commented on how pretty the flowers were.  The change on his face was amazing, he seemed so surprised that someone would compliment him.  It made him smile, it made me smile.  Easy!  Take time to be positive.

4)  Recognize your own strengths.  I had been pretty well sheltered during my “child”  life.  My father took care of everything outside the house, my mother took care of everything inside the house.  He went to work everyday and provided for his family.  My mother made sure we were well fed and taken care of.  I expected to grow up, marry and have the same thing.

My spouse provided for us, but I was never a full partner in the decision making having to do with finances, where we lived, what we did, who we saw, etc.  When I suddenly found myself single and alone – it was frightening.  Would I be able to make decisions based on very little experience having to do with day-to-day living?  I’d been a daughter, a wife, a mother; I had never been solely responsible.  Guess what?  I am pretty smart and capable.  Who knew?  (smile)  Recognize that you too are smart and capable.  You can take care of yourself and make smart decisions.  If you need guidance, ask for it.  Coming out from the shadows and into the light is very liberating.  I’ll make some bad decisions and I’ll learn from them and I will keep moving forward.  I am strong, . . . I am woman . . . (you know what’s coming!), hear me roar!

 

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