suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Mar 7

Alone again . . . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

The night – it follows the day.  It’s the time to relax after a full day.  It’s the time for dinner, maybe a bit of housekeeping.  It’s the time for TV and the DVR.  It’s the time to walk the dogs who have been alone all day.  It’s the time to deal with all the personal things that you don’t have time for during the working hours of the day.  It’s the time you feel  .  .  .  alone.

When married we had an active social life.  When the kids were little we had an active “kid’s activities” life.  We followed their soccer, baseball, basketball, lacrosse.  You always had things to do when you were a parent.  In our case we had kids early – by choice – so that we would have quality of life while young enough to still enjoy it after the kids were grown.  Who’s enjoying that life now????  My ex and his younger wife.  

Yep – all those things you give up when you’re younger???  All those trips you wait to take, those things you didn’t spend your hard earned money on so that the kids had all the things in life you wanted to provide them??  Everything you sacrificed for, good times just waiting to be shared when you were an empty nester?  They’re all being enjoyed right now – just not by you.

The new spouse.  What can I say??  They didn’t earn it, they weren’t there in the beginning when you had nothing.  But they’re darned sure enjoying it now.  You’ve been replaced – how simple is that?  You were a piece of the puzzle that’s been removed and another piece has taken your place.  You are history.  You’re a “has been”.  Life has moved on without you.  No one is looking back and saying, “Hey, what happened to the good ol’ girl?”  You’re saying – “What the heck happened?”

Alone again – that’s me.  It’s 11:00 p.m. and what do I have to look forward to but another day tomorrow, alone.  I hate it, it sucks, but it is now my life.  I’m a “single” whether I wanted it or not.  My “significant other” is my computer.  but at least it doesn’t steal the remote control . . . . .

Women's Lives after Divorce

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Mar 6

Moving on Down the Road

by suddenlysinglewomen

I recently started attending a “Divorce Recovery Series” offered through a local church.  While I don’t believe recovery per se needs to necessarily be “faith based”, a good friend had attended this once, and was going again and invited me along.  I figure anything you can do as a positive step forward is better than taking steps backward, right??  So why not?

There were about a dozen of us there and altho’ it’s offered to “all”, the enrollees were all female.  The one man there attends these as a lay ministry he and his wife offer – nice to have a male point of view, and since he has gone through divorce himself he does gain/offer his own insight and perspective.  During a chance to introduce ourselves and give our reasons for attending, sharing what we hope to achieve, I was struck by the many different stages of recovery we are all in.  One had been divorced for decades, most within the last ten years, and several having recently started the process.  Afterward our leader – a licensed therapist – summed it up in a way that so resonated with me that I had to share it with you all.  She allowed as that your recovery is not linear.  Hmmmmm, think about it.  That is so true!

Our society is all about linear.  We’re goal oriented, we try to not only get to the end of the race, but win it.  We start at point A and try to get to point B as fast as we can.  We race to win.  We talk the talk to walk the walk.  We are driven to get there.  It’s so black and white but is it possible?  Are we setting ourselves up for failure by always needing to get to the end as quickly as humanly possible??  Is it even achievable?

That’s why it’s called recovery – and it’s not linear.  It’s so clear to those of us in the process that we have to move at our own pace.  You heal in your own way, and you would be wise to take your time and do it right.  We might not be convenient (to our family and our friends) in our process of “getting over it”.  For anyone else looking from the outside in, there’s something wrong with you wallowing in negativity, holding onto your anger and regret.  I’m sure you’ve received as much advice about “moving on” as I have.  Sounds easy.  You want to do it, but how do you “move on” from something that was a part of your life for 20, 30 or 40 years in a matter of months or just a few years?

Divorce is like a scab trying to form on an open wound.  You can put a bandage on it, but the wound is still there.  You can hide it from the world, but you know it’s still there.   It needs to heal, it takes time and it’s not linear.  Give yourself permission to feel, and permission to heal.  Good luck on your journey.

Women's Lives after Divorce

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Mar 4

Dating after Divorce

by suddenlysinglewomen

Does using the word “dating” at this age sound as creepy and archaic to you as it does to me??  To me, we need to come up with another term for what it is we’re doing.  Isn’t what we’re doing really “investigating” the possibility that we might find another person in this life to “make” a life with?

I used to believe in true love.  I used to believe in happily ever after.  I used to believe that wedding vows meant something.  I used to believe that my “dating” life was way over and done, had been for over thirty years.  I was wrong.  Now I’m divorced and wondering if I’ll ever be “in love” again.  Having been married to a serial adulterer, will I ever be able to trust a man again?  So many questions, so many doubts.

On top of the dating questions I have, now I have to also worry about diseases that didn’t exist in my world when last I dated.  I’m no spring chicken, but I’d like to believe that I could find some age appropriate men to date, to spend a pleasant evening with.  How sad that many of those age appropriate men are shopping “younger” – as my ex did.  They say your friends will be able to introduce you to eligible bachelors – but somehow my friends don’t seem to know any single men.  That leaves you with online dating services.  OMG – filling out profiles?  And don’t even waste your time with putting your parameters in place, no one pays attention to them.

Let’s suppose you do happen to find a date to spend some time with.  How many dates before his expectations of much more personal time spent together comes up?  Do we really have to think about being intimate with a stranger?  None of us have 20 year old bodies anymore, the thought of intimacy again can tie your stomach in knots and sends cold shivers down your spine.

Lastly, the men I’ve met recently redefine the phrase “emotionally unavailable”.  Fifty + year old men reliving their college frat boy party lives.  They’re tasting what they consider their “freedom” for the first time in twenty or thirty years and run at the first sign of stars in your eyes.  They use the word “love” cavalierly, promise to call you then disappear from your life and your call log for six months.  Seriously?

Netflix is looking pretty good right about now . . .

Dating after Divorce Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Feb 27

Divorce and Vanishing Healthcare

by suddenlysinglewomen

I had my annual physical today.  When I arrived, they asked for my driver’s license and my health insurance card.  This year I had an insurance card to give them, last year I did not.  One of the things you will find as you go through the process of divorce is how many things you “took for granted” when you were married.  If you were a stay at home Mom/Wife, you most likely had health coverage through your spouse’s place of employment.  If you are currently working and have benefits, then this doesn’t apply to you.  If you are not working, and divorced – this can get really bad.

I’m a healthy person.  I take good care of myself, and beside the typical roller coaster of weight up and down, I don’t really have any health issues that would (or should) keep me from being able to get health insurance.  WRONG!  Think again.  I live in the state of Texas, most of the time, I’m glad I do.  When I started trying to apply for health insurance after my COBRA ran out – – – not so sure.  For some reason, in this state, you cannot convert the health insurance you had with your spouse and his company, into a private policy.  These people carried me for 30 years, but now suddenly I’m a risk??  WHAT??

I tried three different health care insurance companies to no avail.  United Healthcare / Golden “something”, Aetna and Humana.  The runaround I got was comical.  They look for anything and everything they can do not approve you.  And when they can’t find anything, they can accidentally enter something incorrectly and then never go back and fix it.  For example, I have never smoked a day in my life, but because the person doing the phone interview checked the “yes” box for smoking, I was denied.  Should be an easy fix right??  NOPE!!  I got the rejection letter and immediately called.  They said they tape their phone interviews and would go back and check, then get back with me.  SURE!!  Never happened.  I’m still fighting that one . . . .

Another thing that tripped me up, my Gynecologist has prescribed for me a drug called Effexor that helped reduce the symptoms of hot flashes.  Yep, I’m at that age where it can be 40 degrees outside and I’m in short sleeves, LOL!! So little did I know that it would cause me such trouble with insurance apps.  You see, Effexor is an anti-depressant, and I guess health insurance companies don’t want to insure someone that could be fighting depression.  When you try to talk to them about the WHY it was prescribed, it falls on deaf ears.  They have their guidelines, and if  you fall outside those guidelines just one millionth of an inch – forget it.  So I gutted it up and went off the Effexor.  Now their excuse?  They want to see me off of it for a multiple of years.  REALLY???

So I am left with only one way to be covered, and that’s through the State’s High Risk Pool.  I pay twice what I should be just to get this coverage.  My advice to you???  When you’re dealing with your divorce settlement, lobby for your costs for healthcare to be covered by your soon to be “ex” until you hit Medicare.  After all – I was married for 30 years, my COBRA ran out when I was less than 10 years away from Medicare.  I should have forced him to pay until Medicare.  Those vows that say “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health . . . . .” should include “and when I dump you for my younger girlfriend and leave you holding the bag for expenses you thought I would take care of in my roll as your spouse . . .”

When it comes to your settlement, remember those vows, remember those promises of “till death do us part” and remember that you’re not going to be able to live life like you were – ever again.

Divorce Settlements Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Feb 25

It’s the Weekend! Yay!! Or Boo??

by suddenlysinglewomen

I used to look forward to the weekends, it meant that there was something fun and exciting that we would be doing.  Notice I said “we” – because when I was married, we did a lot of really fun things.  We were with our friends for dinner, or an event.  We hosted parties, we attended parties.   We went to our sons’ games, had their friends over, had our friends over, went over to our friends.  We saw movies, tried new restaurants, made short trips over long weekends.  We tackled home projects, curled up on the sofa with a new book, watched videos.  We did “something”.  Granted, most Saturdays and Sundays started with him going to the “office” for work, but we tried to do fun things at night.  After the kid’s were older and in college, we tried new restaurants  – we were active.

Once you’re divorced, you learn a very powerful yet sad lesson.  This world is a world of “couples”.  You were invited to things all the time as a “couple”.  When you are no longer a “couple” – those invitations disappear.  You become the “11th” person at a table for ten.  You become inconvenient.  You become a “threat” to all married women when you are single and available.  The thought of going after another woman’s husband would NEVER hit my mind, especially after what happened to me, but as sad as that thought is, I get it.  I don’t like it, but I get it.

So what are you doing this weekend??  After a week full of DVR’d TV programs, I”m trying to find something to go out and do tonight, to be around people.  Because being at home alone again just sux!!  What do you do??

Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Feb 20

When Everyone Says “Move On”?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Such simple advice, great if you are in a position to listen to it. For some people it just takes time, no one can push you thru it as it states. Move at your own speed, take care of yourself – for if you were married as long as I was, and now you’re not – take time to just be “you”, and take care of “you” – you deserve it!!

notherapistneeded's avatarSpeaking Girl 2.0

Today might not be the day you are ready to start fresh. No one can force or push a person to start fresh if they are not ready. If you are ready today, then GREAT!! If you need more time then take that time! Here are FIVE types to help starting fresh a little easier…

 

F   orgive yourself for being angry. Forgive those around you that have hurt you. – Think of this forgiveness as a key to healing and finding peace within. Holding grudges or being angry with someone will only cause you more hurt. TRY to find that forgiveness. I know you can.

R emember that good things in life. Repeat to yourself what you are thankful for. Remember that life is too precious to waste on being sad and angry. REMEMBER you are worthy of a happy life.

E nergize your life. Keep active. Get…

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Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Feb 20

Men And Their Vows . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

Divorce does seem to be happening in epidemic proportions. Do they really think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence? Do the marriage vows take a hike when you think there’s something better out there for you? A vow is a promise, like honoring a contract – but these days people just rip up the contract like yesterday’s hamburger wrapper, and toss it in the trash can. Sad . . . . .

preparefordivorce.com's avatarDivorce is War

Studies show that divorce is contagious. You’re more likely to divorce if your friends do.  A study done by the Daily Mail found that the break-up of a friend of a friend’s marriage boosts your chances of divorce by a third, calling the effect “divorce clustering.”

Break-ups within friendship groups “force couples to start questioning their own relationships” and “reduce the social stigma of splitting up, even when children are involved.”

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Surviving Divorce

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Feb 15

Valentine’s Day – UGH!!

by suddenlysinglewomen

Valentine’s Day – what’s it like for a single woman???  SUX!!  My college boyfriend proposed to me on Valentine’s Day.  Nine months later, he decided he’d rather go to Law School with his best friend than graduate and marry me.  Hmmmm???  Then came the next BF, our first date was on Valentine’s Day, I married him and 30 years later he leaves me after our 30 year marriage.  Over the years, Valentine’s Day was something I tried to celebrate as the anniversary of something wonderful – but now I know that it was just a sham.  Last year, after a horse accident, I was on crutches and the man I was dating (or thought I was) brought me lunch and roses.  I was so taken aback, and so “falling in love” that I allowed myself to think “this one is a good one, this one won’t break my heart”.  Nope – what I shoulda been thinking was “this one is just like all the rest”!!  He had only been divorced a couple of years and was not any where NEAR done playing the “I’m free – woo hoo” game.  So this year’s Valentine’s Day was spent alone with the dogs.  You know, the four legged critters that love YOU unconditionally.  Maybe I’m on to something . . . . . . .Image

Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Feb 13

Life “after” divorce!

by suddenlysinglewomen

Welcome to my new blog.  This has been a project in the making for the past couple of years.  I started out wanting to design and provide a support group for “suddenly single women” – of any age, who find themselves getting a divorce because their husband no longer wants to be married to them.  I could not find a support group that wasn’t too “faith based”.  I wanted to find a group of women who “got it”, similar to the scene in the movie of “Jerry Maquire” when all the ladies who were “left” get together in a friend’s home to talk about their experience with others who have “been there”!  In the process of conceptualizing this group, many people started suggesting I write a book as well.

Along this path has come many learning opportunities, I’m still working on the support group, hoping to get it off the ground within the year.  I’m a Houstonian, but I know the needs are universal.  I’ve written the book, but it’s in editing so I’m getting my feet wet by “blogging”.  Welcome to the 21st century.  I hope suddenly single women find me, and together we can survive our unwanted divorce, and come out the other side whole, healed and better for it.

Divorce Recovery Finding Happiness as a Single Woman Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Passive Agressive Behavior Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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