suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

To Grow, To Change, To Adjust?

Random thoughts?  Random words? Random order?

Sometimes my mind is a total blank when I sit down to write my blog posts; sometimes my cup runneth over and I have so many thoughts that I have to jot them down on sticky notes just to save them.  And yes, sometimes I go back and look at those sticky notes and say: “HUH?”

Today as I sit here thinking about the “title”, I realize how very different it reads if you just change the order of the words around.  For example:

To grow, do I first have to change the way I think and adjust to my life the way it is now?  I certainly cannot grow if I’m resistant to change and refuse to adjust.  Shouldn’t that be my goal – to grow emotionally, spiritually, mentally?

But what if I switch it around and say:

In order to change, I must first adjust my way of thinking/acting so that I can then grow to be a better, happier, emotionally healthier person.  If I’m always sad, and act poorly, surely that will change the way people think of me and act toward me?

To switch it once more and contemplate:

If I adjust my expectations of what my life will be, will I more easily grow into the fulfilled woman that I’d hoped to be making a course change along the way when things don’t go as planned?

Perhaps I’m just being too analytical and should approach it from the “crock pot” point of view  throwing all these in the pot, stir them up and let them cook together on low for 6-8 hours?  Or do they each deserve their own focus, and I handle them one at a time?

Of course I could take the Scarlett approach and “fiddle dee dee, worry about this tomorrow?”

After all, there are packages to wrap, pecans to candy, dogs to walk, cards to address, menus to change, holiday flights to adjust and visions of sugar plums to grow in my head . . .

 

 

 

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“It’s Never Too Late To Be Happy”? So This Article Says:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-colleary/why-midlifers-stay-unhappily-married_b_8281928.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

I know, I know – my moods and reflections on life swing back and forth about as crazy as a coiled up spring that’s been suddenly “sprung free”!  Go figure!  I think it’s due to my nature of always trying to find the positive, or live with hope?

If the article says it’s never too late to be happy, then of course we should believe it . . . right?  But it’s such a struggle at times.  Even though in the grand plan for my life, I’m sure there are valid reason’s why I’m alone right now, why none of the jokers I go out with work out, why I get to spend one more holiday season skipping parties because I hate going out alone.

I know deep down that I have many many blessings that the good Lord has granted me and I should sit back and rejoice in them.  I have two amazingly wonderful and successful sons, two daughter n’laws who adore them, and two beautiful healthy grand babies!!  I have two sweet rescue dogs who love me unconditionally and want nothing more than to be by my side 24/7.

Do you hear the operative number here?  Every thing in my life seems to revolve around the number two – except for a relationship with a “significant other”.  Do I need one to be happy?  Probably not, and at this point it’s looking like I better hope not.

At the end of the day though, I have to go back to those “three C’s” that I mentioned in a much earlier post.  “You didn’t cause it, you can’t change it and you can’t control it”.    Life happens and I may not like it – but I do have to learn how to deal with it.   I am alone right now through no fault of my own, and I’m much better off being single than married to a chronic adulterer, right?  If only being happy with being alone was easier . . .

 

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Oh So Lonely . . .

11755080_857285891027414_4806141563168382120_n  This photo really grabbed my attention – it is SOOO me!   I grew up watching my Mom do the same thing.  Always caring and worrying about everyone else, doing very little to take care of her own needs or keeping her own dreams alive.  My Dad’s dreams were therefore her dreams.

I remember once being very young, and finding my mother sitting in a darkened bathroom, perched on the edge of the tub, just sitting there crying.  It was scary for a little girl, not understanding but wanting to comfort.  Later on when I was older I realized she has just suffered another miscarriage in their attempt to bring a second baby into the family.  To this day it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed.   Silent tears and feeling that alone – I couldn’t imagine it nor understand it at my young age.

Now I get it.

My loneliness is a living breathing thing that I fight down, or attempt to, all the time.  Married couple “friends” hang out with “married couples”, it’s just what they do.  My single GF’s suffer the same as I do.  Don’t get me wrong, we do get together and try to help each other get through our lonely times – but just not the same as having your own “person”.  I so miss just holding hands with someone.

Humans need touch, we need people.  We were not built to be alone.  One of my biggest fears as I get older is that I will die alone.  The other day I lost a good friend to cancer, she had been battling it a long time but did it with such beauty and grace.  She had been a lifeline to me during the TYOTD, and was one that helped me hold it together.  She was my horse trainer and a gentle soul.  I would cry on her shoulder and she would offer gentle non-judgmental hugs whenever needed.  They were needed a lot that summer . . .

I never had to ask, she just knew I needed someone.  I don’t ever ask.  It’s wrong of me to assume that people will know I’m hurting, that I’m lonely, and I need them.  But I am like the photo above, always caring for others, trying to help others, and hiding from my own needs.  Can’t people see how hurt I am, how alone I am?  I mask it well, many years of practice and I learned from the best.

I’m so blessed that my Mom is still alive and almost 97.  She knows the “adult” me is here for her now, she doesn’t have to cry those silent tears.  And maybe someday soon I won’t have to either?

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A New Vocabulary Word – “Luv’yabut”

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That’s right – I’m now inventing words.   It’s been fun writing for my blog, getting my feelings out there, knowing that others are actually reading and listening to my thoughts.  It’s never been about getting you to necessarily agree with me, but just to listen.

I’m a very symmetric person – yes I’m the one that straightens paintings on the wall.  I alphabetize my spices, I load the dishwasher a certain way.  I like balance, evenness, routine – things and people I can count on.

In my writing I love alliteration, abbreviations and making up words that just seem to sum it all up.  Last night I had the “luv’yabut” epiphany.  It explains so many things about relationships.  Prior posts have generated comments on this blog about trusting animals more than trusting humans.  I know how that feels.  Hence the photo included above.  So true.

Back to the “luv’yabut” – it’s true definition would be along the lines of, “I love you but . . .” and then add the criticisms or demands.  No one ever just likes you for who you are, they want you to change into THEIR version of who you should be.  They want you to act the way THEY want you to act.

I love you but . . . I really wish you wouldn’t dress that way, wear your hair that way, do your makeup like that . . .

I love you but . . . I want you to do it my way because it’s better, faster, smarter, simpler, easier, cheaper . . .

I love you but . . . shouldn’t you be eating healthier, less sugar, more protein, veggies and fruit, working out?

I love you but . . . I don’t want to go on that trip, have dinner with that person, visit your parents . . .

I love you but . . . I don’t want you to be friends with that woman, buy a ticket to that event, enroll the boys in camp . . .

I love you but . . . that’s the stupidest idea you’ve ever had . . .

I had a lot of “luv’yabut” in my 30 years of marriage.   Now that I’ve been out of it going on 8 years, I look back and realize just how many times I capitulated because it was easier being his version of me, than my version of me.

I still make mistakes, and still do crazy things sometimes – but I own them.  Now I live my life for the “luv’yacauz”!  Hoping you do too!

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Grazing – It Isn’t Just For Equines!

I saw this comment the other day, and it made me laugh out loud!  YUP!!  So true!

Guys are like grazers, they like to “move on”!!!

Or more to the point?  They think the “Grass is always greener . . .”  Why is that?

I’ve had horses, after I would lesson and work them, then cool them down, I would take them out for hand grazing.  I figured after living a life in a 12′ x 12′ stall for most of the day, they deserved it.  You learn quickly that they like to try lots of different “spots” of grass.

You can lead them over to the greenest looking patch of clover and grass and NOPE!!  They tug that lead rope and keep on searching for a better spot.  Trust me, when a 1200 pound equine wants to move, you do too.

Most of the men I’ve “dated” have been the same.  Heck, my husband was the same.  They act like they’re happy, they tell you they’re happy and then BAM!!  They spot a better patch of grass.  I’m really curious what that feels like, to be able to graze for a while then just wander off with no regard of the devastation left behind.

Once I realized how often this is true, it actually helped me understand that it’s not me.  This is on them.  You can be beautiful inside and out, affectionate, smart, polished, loving, giving – doesn’t matter.  Men are grazers.  They change cars, they change jobs, they change women like yesterday’s underwear.  (Well ok, let’s hope they change yesterday’s underwear)

I don’t beat myself up over it anymore.  I know who I am and I respect the person I have grown into being “post” divorce.  If they don’t agree, then they can certainly graze in someone else’s pasture.  I’ll even show them the gate.  : -)

 

 

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Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, How Does YOUR Garden Grow?

A friend gave me a card the other day with a “suggestion” on the cover.  It simply stated:  “Happiness must be grown in one’s own garden“.

Sometimes the view I have of myself IS someone with a green thumb.   Other times . . . not so much.  Actually, I did just get awarded the “Yard Of The Month” from my neighborhood!!  Pretty cool to walk outside and see it everyday.   But do I get credit for growing my garden if all I did was pay for the yardman and offer suggestions as to what to plant?

At best, a good collaboration, . . . and a checkbook.

I’m pretty sure the card my friend gave me was more about my emotional garden.  Post divorce, it was a vast emotional wasteland.  There was nothing growing there; the soil was devoid of all nutrients.  There were many cloudy days with no sun shining.  The only thing fertile was my imagination on what destruction I would like to rain down upon the ex and his “pocket of posies!”

Slowly, bit by bit, the heart healed, the mind settled and the promise of new growth emerged.  I take my happiness very seriously, and I also look at it as a full time quest.

Happiness can be as simple as a chocolate frozen yogurt with peanut butter cup, or the June birth of my second grand baby.  It can be a ride on a good horse on a beautiful cool fall day, or receiving a “how are you” text in the morning from a long time friend you haven’t seen in years.  It can be the way you feel when you walk out after a great movie, or re-watching the DVR’d game where your football team beat someone they weren’t supposed to.  (Yes I re-watched, to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating the first time!)

Happiness doesn’t just happen, you nurture it in your heart and your soul.  Take responsibility for it.  Plant the seed, let it germinate, fertilize it with positive thoughts and nurture it by surrounding yourself with happy people.  If you wait around for someone else to take up the task to make you happy?   You will be sorely disappointed.

So like the TV commercial for Home Depot says:  “Let’s Do This!”

 

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Dating – The Old Fashioned Way?

I saw this a while back, but decided to hang onto it since I was SOOOOOO “over” dating.  I revisited it today along with other “ideas” that I had stored for future use.

Nothing has changed recently regarding my “alone-ness”.  If anything, the last POI (Person Of Interest) who became the POS (Person of  . . . well . . . you know), who then became a POI again since he surprised me with a visit while I was in my alma mater’s city for football, became a POS again for reasons that aren’t even worth wasting your time.

When I saw this article below I had to laugh.  When was the last time any of us had treatment remotely close to the suggestions below?   Who raised these men, and sadly forgot to teach them manners?  Or, what happened along the way to cause them to lose those manners if they were taught to them.

*** No Diva J, this is not for you, we all know you have the perfect “other” in your life! ***

But for those ladies “post divorce” and contemplating dating and putting yourself out there, read these habits and let me know if you’ve met anyone that shows signs of them . . .

. . . cause I surely haven’t.

10 Old Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Make Cool Again

If we don’t show some respect for ourselves, no man is going to.

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Over Think Things? Who Me??

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So the last time I tried posting a photo it didn’t work.  Well tarnation!  So I’m going to try again.  I’m thinking maybe I know the reason why it didn’t come through, so we’ll test it with this one!!

Hopefully you can see it – the photo is a beautiful sunset, or maybe even a sunrise, hard to know without perspective of which direction the photographer was facing.  I choose to call it a sunset – those are my favorites!!

The caption below the sunset reads, “When you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.  Relax, breathe, let go, and just live.”

Easier said than done.

I’ve been traveling a lot lately.  Earlier in September my eldest son got married in San Diego.  Beautiful place, San Diego.  Except that they broke heat records that had last been set in the 1800’s, and this was an outside wedding.  We gals from Texas know a thing or two about sweating . . . uh, sorry, . . . I mean “glowing”.  We were glowing for sure.  Lucky for me I had my hair professionally done, as well as my makeup.  Nothing short of a chisel and hammer was going to let my hair fall or my make-up run.  I had to “relax, breathe, and let go.”  Can’t control the weather.

Last weekend I traveled back to my home state and attended my college alma mater’s football game.  We are NOT having a stellar season.  I took along three friends who had never attended a college game in a stadium of this magnitude.   It seats 100,000+, it’s impressive.  We did not win but we came durn close.  For me to relax, breathe and let go while I’m so busy jumping up and down and yelling – is tough.  Control the outcome of the game?  Kinda like controlling the weather.  After all, you’re at the mercy of 18-20 year olds, and some REALLY bad refereeing.

And even though I swore off dating, I relented and a while back had a really nice time with a man that a friend introduced me to.  Tall, employed, nice looking, polite, well educated – could it be??  Travels a lot for his job so the second date came a mere three months after the first one, LOL!   I invite him to my house for dinner with other friends in town.  Goes great – he clearly does not want to go home.  Then he decides he might be interested in another person, so he goes away, but that person doesn’t work out.  So he tries to get back in the picture – but at first just by texting, then calling, then asking how the wedding was, then showing up at the football game weekend last weekend to “surprise” me – knowing that I had girlfriends with me.

Not exactly a way to have a good conversation with a person, to decipher his intentions.  But what I’m starting to remind myself of from day to day is I absolutely have no control over another person, how they act, what they say, who they see.  I cannot control the weather, I cannot control the outcome of a sporting event, and I sure as heck (not the word that first entered my mind) cannot control whether someone thinks I’m special enough to want to be with.

So maybe this weekend I can finally relax, breathe, let go and just live – that is until kick-off at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow!

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Laissez Les Bonnes Temps Roulez

I’ve always loved that phrase.  Being as close to the state of Louisiana as I am, I hear it a lot, most especially before, during and right after Mardi Gras.

“Let The Good Times Roll”!

Amen!

The older I get, the more I might be persuaded to let that phrase dictate my life’s adventures “post divorce”.  What do you think?

The bad times, when they roll, they roll over you and smush you like one of those big pieces of road working equipment rolling over new asphalt.  You get flattened.

So in my ongoing quest to be more “positive” and “move on” with my life, letting the good times roll seems a lot more fun than letting the bad ones smush.  (Spellcheck doesn’t like “smush” but I do.  After all, being from Texas, we smush a lot, mostly bugs – but you get my drift)

So as we approach a weekend in the heat of the summer I’m thinking we should all take on the Cajun attitude of “Laissez Les Bonnes Temps Roulez” and see what mischief we can get ourselves into.  Grab some friends, make a plan, shed the “negative” and let’s get this new attitude “rolling”!!  Wha’dya say?

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Borrowed From A Friend’s FB Posting:

It’s fun to look at Facebook, altho’ I’m pretty sure the younger people (who I laughingly refer to as the “youngers”) who got it going, have wished they didn’t share it with the “olders”.  Hey – we weren’t born with a keyboard in our lap, a mouse in our hand, and ear buds in our ears – but we do catch on!!

It’s a fun way for me to see what my friends are doing, and it took a while for my son’s to actually “friend” me, but there you go – I’m on FB!!

The other day, I read the below posting from a person who used to be in my life on a more regular basis.  Her husband and my ex used to be Execs together in an Energy company.  She is what you would call a “force of nature”, I think you’ll see that when you read her musings.  I just couldn’t help but copy it here for you to read.  All great thoughts to ponder!!  Enjoy and share!!

I’ll call them:  Thoughts From KK

 

“I had someone say to me yesterday “oh if I had your life” — I cringed the moment the words came from her lips. I started feeling the pressure of having to live up to other peoples standards or image. That is a have burden to carry, trust me. My life is not any different than the norm — I have highs and lows. I started thinking this morning about what is important in life …. here are a few things I have journaled in my past. I am sure I will add to it — but feel free to tell me yours and share them with anyone else that may read this. No one has all the answers — but never stop looking for them. (How Miss America did I just sound writing that?? I almost gave myself a diabetic coma)

1. Make peace with your past so you don’t screw up the present and carry that baggage to the future. Basically, stop thinking so much, because your thoughts are the root of most of your problems. Life is not fair — My Dad used to say “KK, ‘Fair’ is where you get cotton candy and ride the ferris wheel.” No one OWES you anything. You are only responsible for yourself.

2. Don’t be concerned what others think of you (this one is hard for me) Fear of social judgment also makes people think small. Accomplishing anything big is going to annoy some people, who will try to deter you. To really have an impact, you can’t let them get in your way. Never be afraid to your dream that you think others will laugh at… NEVER EVER.

3. Time heals almost everything. I always ask myself when I think its the most catastrophic thing — “How will this affect me 5 hours from now? Five months from now? Five years from now?” Forget those who did you wrong, because they definitely forgot you.

4. Don’t compare your life to others. Try not to truly judge others — you have no idea what their journey is about or what brought them to where they are. Always take the high road, because the low road is never as fun. Never judge on first impressions, because people always surprise you.

5. Remember, its ok not to know all the answers. They weight of the world can burden you from thinking clearly. You will find clarity when you least expect it. Be the person you want to be, because you have to see that person every day.

6. NO ONE is in charge of your happiness but you!! Stop trying to turn to others for approval and guidance how you should live your life for yourself. Follow your heart, because there’s no better guide. The book, “Co-Dependent No More” is a game-changer, trust me! Read it!

7. Smile and keep some things sacred. Stay true to yourself, because no one wants to be a follower.

8. Help those in need, because you never know when you’ll need them. If you can… then you do.

9. Give thanks, because it’s way better than asking for forgiveness. At the end of the day, appreciation and validation go very far.

10. Remember the good times, because bad times will give you an ulcer. Trust me on this, I suffer from bleeding ulcers. Keep a journal incase you forget the good times.

11. Nothing happens monumental to those that are lazy or have false expectations. Just bust your ass and work hard for it. People will respect you for your accomplishments and visions more that way.

12. Start today dreaming big, because small dreams are never worth the chase. Don’t let anyone else tell you that it cannot be done.

13. Choose your words carefully, because it can and will come back to you eventually — the good ones and the not so good ones.

14. If you can count your TRUE FRIENDS on one hand and have three fingers left over you are blessed.

15. Avoid Excess. (This is one of the toughest battles I have) Live life in harmony and balance. Avoid excesses. Even good things, pursued or attained without moderation, can become a source of misery and suffering. You cannot take material things with you when your time on this earth is over. My Daddy used to always say “I have never seen a u-haul behind a hearse” Conspicuous consumption doesn’t lend you anything but haters. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

16. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. Do things with them that blow their mind. Its ok for them to see you cry. Create a bond now and it will be hard to break later.

17. Its simple, what you allow is what will continue. Truly its not rocket science.

18. If you want to be happy – its not THAT hard — just love what you do and believe in what you do.

19. Praise others for every situation – even if they did something small. At the end of the day we all want validation and praise goes a long way.

20. Take care of your body,… Wear sunscreen, floss and try to eat right 75% of the time. When you want to cry, If you are depressed eat the pint of ice cream and then walk around the block. If you only have $10 in your pocket give the money to the homeless guy on the corner. These gestures are natures prozac.

Again, these are MY notes…. create your own and reflect on them often.”

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