suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Nov 13

“When Harry Met Sally” – A Classic, But Realtiy?

by suddenlysinglewomen

We all loved that movie.  I’ve watched it multiple times and even own the DVD.  You never know when you might want an uplift right?

But is that movie really based in reality, or is it just Hollywood wishful thinking?  They went from being friends, to having a sexual relationship, to being awkward friends, to falling in love and ultimately getting together (or so it’s implied and we “romantics” would like to think).

I was married for 30 years.  We were 22 and 23 when we got married.  He’d dated a lot and had many relationships, I had not.  When we were together, I had no trouble having fun conversations and sharing activities with men.  I was married, I was safe – there were no expectations.

I now feel very awkward thinking about having men friends.  And I don’t know about you, but I haven’t met many men who WANT to be friends with a single woman.  At my age, most single men are that way for a reason.  Talk about emotionally unavailable?  The last thing on their minds is wanting to have a woman “friend”.  They can have their pick of the litter and they know it.  We single ladies of a certain age?  Not so much!

Even if I have the opportunity to go to a night time event (remember, it’s a couple’s world) I generally refuse the invitation because I can’t find a nice male “friend” to be my companion.  And if there is one, they have no problem with you paying for that event ticket for the two of you.   Rarely is there a “Well hey, then let me take you to dinner!”   They think being seen in public with you implies they are “off the market” or “taken”.  Heaven forbid they should miss out on the next “flavor of the month” if they’re seen as part of a couple, or in a relationship.

If it does however turn into a sexual relationship, do you really think you can stay friends with that man after the intimacy (for whatever reason) is over?  I don’t think so.   You want a friend?  They want sex!  You then expect a relationship or monogamy?  They want space.

I guess this “Sally” just hasn’t met her “Harry” yet.

Dating after Divorce Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Nov 4

Friends Who Are Married? OR Married Friends?

by suddenlysinglewomen

In Chapter Four of “With Or Without A Man” there’s a brief mention of “Married Friends” quoting:

   “I have a number of married friends.  Sometimes I get together with them, just as a couple, and sometimes I bring my married and single friends together.  It all depends on the activity, what we’re going to be doing.

The old adage “Two’s company, three’s a crowd,” or the phrase “the fifth wheel,” are relics of the past.  Many single women have found friendships with couples to be rewarding.”

Well – she’s a lucky girl!

I don’t know about you, all situations are different but I have found just the opposite.  I have many friends who are married, but when it comes to doing things with them as a “couple”?  Doesn’t happen.  Of course there are a precious few married couples from my “past” married life who I still see, but they are totally made up of couples where the wives’ were my friends first for many many years.

As to going out with them?  Not so much.  During the YOTD (Year of the Divorce), most of the couples that I considered really close friends fled from the chaos.  At a time when just an invite to meet them at the club or a restaurant for a quick bite would have meant SO much to me – they disappeared.  Perhaps they didn’t want to be seen as “taking sides?”    Was I wrong to be so hurt and so let down?  I’ve learned through the years that it’s a big mistake to assume that people will treat you the way that you would treat them in a similar situation.

Before my YOTD, I’d only had a couple of friends go through divorce.  However, I made a real effort to involve them in the things that we as couples had always done.  I made sure they didn’t sit home alone for dinner on their birthdays.  I checked in with them to see how they were doing and if there was anything I could do to help them through a painful time.

Have you had continued relationships with your “married friends” as couples or do you find it awkward to be the fifth person at a table for four?   Married couples hang out with married couples, you become the inconvenient friend.   Six years after the divorce I still miss the camaraderie I had with some of those couples but I’m learning to move on and let them go.

And to those couples who DO NOT mind hanging out with me??  Thank you from the bottom of my lonely heart.  You’ve earned a special place in that heart and you inspire me to keep moving forward.  I shall continue to “press on”!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Oct 7

Putting Down Roots – – – And I Don’t Mean Like a Water Oak!

by suddenlysinglewomen

Feeling secure – what is it exactly?

For me it’s putting down roots, being grounded, having a foundation that’s steady beneath me at all times.  In the title I refer to a Water Oak.  I live along the Gulf Coast, therefore it follows that every few years there IS going to be a hurricane or a tropical storm that comes a’knocking – – – or should I say “knocking” things down?

Hurricane Alicia, 1983.  We lived at least 60 miles inland but when you have hurricane force winds, mileage is irrelevant.  I had a three year old, a two month old, and a husband that had lived through hurricanes in Corpus Christi, TX where whole houses had blown away in front of his eyes.  It was tense.  During the worst of it he gathered us downstairs as far from windows and the potential of flying glass as he could.   We hunkered down.

During the night we heard an enormous cracking sound, followed by crashing, a large boom and then felt the earth shaking.  It was too dark to see outside, rain was blowing sideways and there was no power to turn on lights so we just had to wait in order to see what had happened.  During the eye of the storm passing over, we were able to see outside to our front yard.  We had lost our huge Water Oak.  It had not cracked in half, it had literally fallen over, roots and all, leaving a huge shallow hole in the front yard (and an even bigger whole in the corner of our neighbor’s house).  At a minimum, the diameter of the tree trunk was 3 feet.  You would think that the root system of a tree that large would be extensive, and deep.

You would be wrong.

I am not like a Water Oak, I put down roots, and I tend to stay put.  I need stability in my life in order to feel safe and secure.  My foundation may be poured with concrete, but there’s steel rebar running through it.  I need to feel grounded.  Going through a divorce was like loosing that Water Oak, you think you’re secure but a storm sweeps through and down you go.  BAM!!!

In “With Or Without A Man”, Chapter 4 talks about “Being Grounded”.  Quoting from page 41:

“To build a solid yet flexible single world, you need a solid foundation and good grounding.  This represents the quality of being settled within yourself and your surroundings, regardless of whether your love life, or any other part of your life, is as you would wish.  It is being settled with what you have even while realistically aspiring to something else.  It is knowing the difference between what you have control over and what you don’t.

What do you need to get grounded, the first task?  To build a foundation?  You need to feel you belong in your living space.  You need to feel you’re part of your neighborhood and community.  You need friends and a social life.  You need to be doing something meaningful with your career or your avocation.”

I knew after my divorce I could not stay in a home we had occupied together.  Too much bad karma.  Uprooting from my friends and neighborhood was difficult.  You’re already feeling damaged and alone, and now you have to move?

   “ Home is the space you occupy, a place that is yours.  It reflects who you are and says, “I live here.”

Fortunately I was able to make a new home for myself, I filled it with things I loved.  Yes many items came from the “marriage home” but in a new setting they didn’t remind me of anything bad or negative.  They were mine and made me feel safe.  I filled it up with photos of my family and friends and remembrances of happy times.  If it didn’t make me smile, it didn’t get to live in my home!  These were my four walls, and my new foundation.  I met my new neighbors by walking my dogs.  I established myself and I began to live again.

Look around you, does your home reflect who you are, or who you’re striving to become?  Does it make you smile?  Do you feel secure?  Get your feet back under you, you’ve weathered the storm, now it’s time to rebuild!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Sep 27

Bring On The Legos – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Continuing with excerpts from the book “With or Without a Man” by Karen Gail Lewis, I’ve moved on to Chapter 3, page 38 focusing on the section:  “Building A Single World”.

“In the same way a couple has to build a married life, a single woman has to build a single life.  As formerly married women return to being single, they all need to develop a world that reflects the values and lifestyles of their adulthood, and that meets their needs for a rich and satisfying life – with or without a man.

What does it mean to build a single world?  It means you don’t put your life on hold until there is a man.  It means you don’t have control over making an emotionally available man appear, but you can take control of the tools available to you and design the best life you can for yourself.  It means accepting that life may not be exactly as you would have wished, but that’s true for most people – even married women!  It means no waiting, no dangling.  It means no self-blame because you have not met a man YOU want to marry.”

The author suggests you ask yourself the questions:  “What is is I want?  What is it I need to make my life as fulfilling as possible now?

In my opinion, those are tough questions all people need to ask themselves but for we single women – we’re the only ones making those decisions that determine our path into our future.

For me it was a new feeling, being able to determine what it was that I wanted to do with my life.  I’d gone from being a daughter, to a wife, to a mother with no time to really explore my dreams or what I wanted to be when I “grow up”.  It’s almost like a gift to now be able to make those decisions and set goals to reach my dreams.  I went from doing what my father told me was “right”, to doing what my spouse told me was “expected”, to having a whole new world open up in front of me.

Scary?  Yes.   Easy?  No!  I wasn’t sure when I was first divorced that I had the building tools available to create a new and satisfying life.  Once you can let go of the thought that you HAVE to have a man to make your life “whole”, an array of possibilities can open up before you.  I tried to never rush into any major decisions when I was first on my own, but something so little as being able to choose your own flavor of toothpaste can have a surprisingly uplifting effect on your life!

“Building a single world doesn’t mean making a commitment to being single.  It means making a commitment to enjoying your life in the present.”

So for me, I’m going to take each day one lego piece at a time, and build a firm foundation on which to launch my new life from – the new me.  Get ready world, because like it or not, here I come!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Sep 9

Cliff Notes – Hitting the Highlights – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

A while back I recommended what I thought was a good “read”.   I promised to share some of the highlights of that book here with you all.  I didn’t forget you, or the promised highlights, I’ve just been doing some traveling and entertaining of family and friends and I got distracted!!  But I’m back!!  So here we go!

The book I’m referring to is authored by Karen Gail Lewis and is entitled “With or Without a Man, Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives”.  I hope you’ve had a chance to read it but if not, I’ll be sharing some of the things that really grabbed my attention.  Some of her thoughts just really hit home.  Today I’ll share with your a section from Chapter 2, page 25 – The Downward Spiral.

The author shares with us how one event that upset her, starts her remembering other such events (no relation), that result in a real pity party.  Quoting,

     “I was on a downward spiral, a condition that is sneaky, creeping up on you before you realize it.  It may last only a few minutes or half an hour, but it feels like an unstoppable slide.  It may start when you feel bad about an event over which you have no control.  Feeling helpless at not being able to change the outcome leads to vulnerability.  Once it starts, you slide down and down in a dizzying swirl of self-loathing and self-blame.

     As in the game of dominoes, the way you feel in one situation triggers off memories of other situations where you had the same feeling.  You feel vulnerable, as if  your whole life is out of control.  The dizzying swirl continues until you find yourself taking responsibility for all the bad things that have ever happened to you.  When you’re feeling helpless and hopeless, you may hit the bottom point of the spiral, which for single women often is their lack of a man.

     . . .  As you can imagine, by this point I was feeling incredibly disgusted with myself, a total failure in everything in life!”

Boy do I recognize that feeling.  When I’m having a particularly down day, one thing does tend to set off another memory, then another, till I’m pretty much convinced that everything bad that has ever happened to me is totally my fault.  I hate feeling stupid, and one of the ways my “ex” kept me “down” was by always letting me know that I was.

Now that I’ve been on my own for almost 7 years (since he walked out on me), I’m realizing that making me feel stupid and unworthy was just his way of trying to make himself feel more powerful and in control.  Controlling people have to put you down in order to raise themselves up.  I’ve now learned that not only am I not stupid, I’m pretty darned capable of taking care of myself and doing a darned fine job of it.

I no longer blame myself for being alone; it was not something that I wanted at this point in my life but it’s not a guilty verdict because I did something horribly wrong.   We just need a plan to stop that downward spiral when it starts.  For me it’s surrounding myself with family and friends that I know care about me.  If you’re sitting at home alone and feeling vulnerable get outside, take a walk, call a friend, write a journal, watch a funny movie, take a bubble bath and listen to your favorite songs, learn to meditate, adopt a shelter pet, volunteer or do outreach for those really in need.

Refuse to let yourself be pulled down.  I liken it to a draining sink where the water swirls and spirals down the drain.  Grab the sink stopper and stop the spiral.  Fill up your sink with clean, fresh, healing waters and let the pity party float away.    You are not a failure, you are worthy of happiness and good things and you just need to learn how to love yourself again.

I know it’s not easy, and for me it almost always hits at night when the lights are off, I’m really exhausted from a full day and the bad thoughts start to sneak in.  Snuggling into a pillow is just not the same as the warmth of a human being next to you.   However, it’s happening much less now, and the spirals seems to be further apart in frequency and I accept that the healing has no specific “end date”.  I remain always and ever hopeful and try to count the blessings in my life.  I know I’m not alone, and neither are you . . .

 

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Passive Agressive Behavior Surviving Divorce

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Aug 8

A Good Read – – – The Best of Intentions

by suddenlysinglewomen

I always think I’m going to read all those books I order from Amazon . . . really.

At the time I order, I have the very best of intentions.  Even after they arrive, they are useful, if never opened, as a way to weigh down papers from sliding off the desk.  They can be used as a bedside coaster, or to prop open a wayward bedroom door on occasion.

You can load up your bookshelves with them and smile smugly when your friends peruse your titles and are impressed with the time you give to improving your mind.  It’s even a great way to check your dog’s startle response when those same books fall over in the shelves or slide off that night stand.

But once in a great while when I actually do read one, and it’s good, I like to recommend it.  That’s what I’m doing today.  No matter your marital status, I think all would benefit from some of her examples in this book.  The author’s name is:  Karen Gail Lewis.  The book is entitled:  “With or Without a Man, Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives”.

It’s not just for divorced women.  She tackles the dilemmas of all single women, even those who have chosen to be “without” a man and have never married.  It’s not a long read, and has some very good provocative thoughts.  I’m going to be spending some time digesting her information and sharing some examples with you over the next few months.

As always, I look forward to any feedback and sharing you might be willing to offer.  After all, we are a sisterhood are we not?

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Jul 30

Emotions – Your Own Personal Roller Coaster!

by suddenlysinglewomen

Saw a great post on Facebook the other day and had to run write it down so I wouldn’t forget to share it with you all!  It goes like this:

“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.”

It sounds so easy right?

Every day we are bombarded with so many choices, so many decisions, ups and downs and roundabouts.  How can you NOT be on an emotional roller coaster ride especially when you’re “alone” – a single who has to deal with most of what life throws at you all by yourself?

I have friends and family members who stand at the ready to help me when needed, but even they don’t want to be on call 24/7.    All the choices you have to make can be so overwhelming that you want to scream – or break something.  Yes, you get emotional and it feels like your world is spinning out of your control.  I admit it, I sometimes long for those days when I had a partner who I could share life’s challenges with.  It would be nice to know that someone was there to at least offer guidance when you have to make those really big decisions and value another’s input.

Do you ever feel more alone?

And you want me to “control” those emotions?  Seriously?

But I also understand that for my own “inner peace”, a healthy/happy mind and body, that I need to rein in those emotions at times and strive to find some way of finding some sort of release.  It’s not easy.  All our lives we’ve let people and events sway our thinking and influence the decisions we make and actions we take.

Some people get there with meditation, some find yoga or other calming activities helpful.  I haven’t really found mine yet but I’ve come close when I can escape away to the mountains, watch an amazing sunset or hold my new grand baby when it’s just she and I alone.

I’m a work in progress, but at least there IS progress . . .

Divorce Recovery Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jul 15

Validation – – – We All Need It!

by suddenlysinglewomen

Validation – I hadn’t thought about it much until this past week.  I remembered the lines from the movie, “The Help” where the maid/housekeeper/nanny is telling her charge, a young little girl to always remember:  “You is pretty, you is smart . . .”     The maid knew that facing the world as a young woman this little girl would need to always remember that she is special.  She was teaching her how to validate herself and her worth.

How often are we given validation?  Not nearly enough, especially if you are in, or have been in a troubled relationship.

This past week I had the great fun of having a GF visit me while on vacation.  We’ve known each other for years, but haven’t always lived in the same city, or shared very many times together just she and I.  Our “ex” husbands worked for the same firm at first, that’s how we met.  In her husband’s career they moved around, we did not.  There were always Christmas cards, graduation announcements, wedding invitations to help keep in touch.  Only recently though did we actually start spending real time together.

I got divorced first, she a couple of years after me.  Same reason – adultery.  I can remember calling her when I heard the news to offer my help and support having already been through it, and knowing what she was getting ready to face.  In the past few years we’ve started seeing each other more often, even though we still reside in different cities.

So back to the validation part of this message.  She and I have a shared past, a history and she more than just about anyone understands what I feel, and the reason why.   We have so many things in common that explanations of how we feel are not necessary.  She GETS IT!!  She validates me.

Do you have someone in your life that can offer that to you?  I hope so.  I can’t tell you how great I feel after this week of spending time together and sharing stories about our kids, our futures, our pasts . . .  There was no pressure to be someone I’m not, no guilt placed on me for my past hurt feelings or heartbreaks.  She helps me to know “I am pretty, I am smart . . .”   Thank you CW, I’m going to be OK!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Jun 26

The Power of Girlfriends – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

I think sometimes as “single” women, we think too much or focus too heavily on NOT having a man in our lives.  We look around at all the “couples” and wonder why our marriage didn’t last?  How are we suddenly supposed to operate as a single person in a world full of duo’s?

I’ve just returned from an amazing trip to celebrate an amazing birthday.  Okay – – – I admit it – – – it might have had a “zero” in the birthday year!  The first part of the trip was spent with the GF’s!  The girlfriends had been warned over two years ago to start planning on traveling with me for this very special day and they did not let me down.

9 of us!  There’s a saying, “like herding cats” – it fits, LOL!!  We are about as diverse as it can be yet the one theme that runs through the heart of this group is the appreciation for having girlfriends.  We have different backgrounds, different goals in life.  Our ages span about ten years with me being right in the middle.  Some are married, some divorced, some with significant others.

Half are working, most have children approaching if not already in adulthood and a couple are already grandmothers.  They come from diverse backgrounds but the appreciation of the need for GF’s is strong amongst us all.  So don’t let yourself get too caught up in the search for the perfect man.  Firstly – they don’t exist so you’ll be very disappointed.  But more importantly, look around you at those women who have stayed in your life even if you are the inconvenient “single” friend and cherish your moments together.

Reach out to your GF’s today, let them know how important they are in your life.  Thank them for being there for you.  Whether you just have one or many, they are your strength and your compass.  I can’t imagine my life without them, I hope I never have to.  Love you girls – thanks for the memories!!!

 

 

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Jun 6

Life Is An Adventure!!

by suddenlysinglewomen

Well – it’s finally here.  My big Greek adventure that I’ve been planning for three years!!  First half is a girl’s trip, there will be 9 of us!  The Greeks should be VERY VERY afraid, LOL!!!  The islands may  never be the same.  I’ll be spending time with my closest pals all of whom I’ve known for 25-30 years.  I can safely say that these relationships have lasted longer, and have been more loving than most of my “married” years.  Girlfriends just “get it”!  I can’t think of anyone better to celebrate my “zero” birthday with.

Then the next week my eldest and his GF are joining me.  Younger son and wife bagged the trip because of the baby, etc.  Totally disappointed as I rarely get both boys together in the same place but wha’cha gonna do?  They’re adults now and make their own decisions regardless of what might be important to Mom.  We will have a wonderful time anyway and make our own special memories.

So – – – I won’t be posting for a while, but don’t forget about me because I certainly won’t forget about you.  Your support, following the blog and your occasional comments have made it so worth it.  I feel your love through cyber space and am grateful beyond words.   Keep growing stronger, keep loving yourselves and march forward in your lives.  The fog is lifting and the sun is bright!

Divorce Recovery Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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