Last week I shared some pointers I’d seen in the AARP Newsletter and promised I’d get back with some “further” thoughts! So here goes:
1) Don’t rush it. There was nothing “rushed” about my divorce. Luckily for women in the State of Texas, we have Community Property. After a year + of “h*ll”, it was done.
The next thing that was not rushed was what I would call “recovery”. Life does not just move on, it’s a struggle. You’ve been thrown a curve ball, a slider, a sinker, I could go on all day with the sports metaphors but truth is, you’re unbalanced (and I mean that in a good way). You need to take the time to reacquaint yourself WITH yourself. You’ve changed and it takes time to see your way through to this next phase of your life. You are ALONE! No matter your support system, you’re going to need to do a lot of this on your own. Take your time and get to know the person inside; let the new woman emerge as better and brighter than before!
2) Consult others. This is so important. It can be your family, your best friend, a professional therapist, a member of the clergy, a support group – many choices and only you will know what is best or possible for you. Some are free, some come with cost – but all should be considered when seeking guidance to steer you through this important next phase. You’re laying the groundwork for the next 20, 30, 4o years of your life. Don’t you think that’s important enough to get some feedback? A good listening ear is worth it.
Maybe you just need to hear yourself talk, maybe you really do want some answers? Regardless of your state of mind, few can get through to the other side without some kind of help. If people offer, take them up on it. If they don’t, maybe consider that they’re just waiting to be asked. If they’re not interested in listening or helping, you’ll know pretty quickly so you can move away from them and look elsewhere. It’s not a sign of weakness to seek help, it’s a sign of strength in acknowledging that you want to get to a better place.
3) Think positive. It’s all in the way you spin it in your mind. Yep, no doubt about it, divorce sucks! I really used to despise that word when my sons, then late teens and early 20’s, used it. Boy does it apply though. It just totally sums up what you’re going through. You wonder if you’ll ever smile again, if you’ll ever love again, if you’ll ever feel cherished again? You will. Find a reason to smile, love yourself and cherish the time you have left on this earth to fulfill a dream, a destiny, a purpose.
There are no instant fixes but having a positive outlook will help you get there much faster. Not saying it’s not OK to have some dark thoughts, you will, I still do. I can happily report though that they seem to be further and further apart these days. Little things will set them off, that need to have a pity party but just don’t let it rule your thoughts every day. Never let it be an excuse for bad behavior, there are enough people out there exhibiting their own bad behavior for you to be adding to it. Having trouble making yourself happy? Then try finding ways to make others happy by doing nice, unexpected things for them. That alone can get you in a positive frame of mind. Just today while outside enjoying a nice spring day (after three months of rain, gloom and doom) while walking the dogs, I passed by a neighbor’s house where the yardman was putting in some spring color. He hopped up out of the way of my two large canines and noticing his work I smiled at him and commented on how pretty the flowers were. The change on his face was amazing, he seemed so surprised that someone would compliment him. It made him smile, it made me smile. Easy! Take time to be positive.
4) Recognize your own strengths. I had been pretty well sheltered during my “child” life. My father took care of everything outside the house, my mother took care of everything inside the house. He went to work everyday and provided for his family. My mother made sure we were well fed and taken care of. I expected to grow up, marry and have the same thing.
My spouse provided for us, but I was never a full partner in the decision making having to do with finances, where we lived, what we did, who we saw, etc. When I suddenly found myself single and alone – it was frightening. Would I be able to make decisions based on very little experience having to do with day-to-day living? I’d been a daughter, a wife, a mother; I had never been solely responsible. Guess what? I am pretty smart and capable. Who knew? (smile) Recognize that you too are smart and capable. You can take care of yourself and make smart decisions. If you need guidance, ask for it. Coming out from the shadows and into the light is very liberating. I’ll make some bad decisions and I’ll learn from them and I will keep moving forward. I am strong, . . . I am woman . . . (you know what’s coming!), hear me roar!
suddenlysinglewomen 