suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Jun 27

When Life Is Like The Movies?

by suddenlysinglewomen

I never saw the movie “Fifty First Dates”.  A rather silly premise that a woman has no memory of each “first date” with the same man, over and over?  Good thing that man must have a strong ego, wouldn’t you begin to wonder about yourself after being forgotten by the same person 50 times?

My dilemma?  I can’t seem to be remembered after the “first” date!!  Who gets fifty chances?  I wish there were exit interviews these men had to go through (with honesty – too much to ask for??) so we at least had some clue why there is never a “second” date?

There were a couple early on post divorce where there was more than one date, but those were long ago.  In that past 4-5 years, no “seconds”.  I suppose if my eating habits were like my dating I’d be really skinny!!

You have what you think is a lovely time.  You have many things in common, many subjects to talk about.  They say all the right things.  They suggest that we should “do this again”.  Afterwards, you’re feeling pretty good that you will see this person after the appropriate amount of waiting time.  You’re not suggesting wedding bells, you’re just thinking that next time you’ll share your favorite restaurant and your thoughts on some new topics of conversation.

After this first date, there may be a couple of phone calls, some flirty texts, a comment or two on your Facebook adventures.  Heaven forbid, there might even be a phone message wishing you a Happy Birthday.  When you next talk you share travel schedules, etc. but there is never the next “ask”, only suggestion . . . .    WHAT??

And they say women tease?  This is NOT Middle School.  I took myself off of the dating websites because they were a waste of time and completely about filling someone’s corporate pockets full of the money of lonely people trusting profiles filled out by total strangers.

If I went out again, it would just be with someone KNOWN by a friend of mine, or a suggestion of a colleague who knows my personality.  Safer right?

In my life that movie title certainly means something totally different.  So, as summer really begins to heat up, what is cooling down in my life is the desire to even try anymore.  As I’ve said before – Netflix is the way to go!

Maybe I’ll watch “Fifty First Dates” this weekend . . .

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Jun 3

Doing Things Alone? Choice or Not?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sometimes I have the VERY best of intentions.  I go through phases of being really glad I’m alone, to times of being really lonely.  My intentions are to become more settled with the “alone” life – to learn not be annoyed at not being in possession of a “plus one” – no where close (to having a plus one OR being settled about it).

I read articles all the time on the merits of being alone.  I attend events alone and I feel like I have a sign around my neck that says:  “Can’t get a date”!   My friends tell me not to be silly, it’s totally acceptable to be “sans man” at an event, at a dinner, in life.

When I have traveled, I have gone to restaurants alone and tried to look comfortable – but I’m just not.  Where do you look??  My eyes end up down, staring at my food.  I like conversation with my meals, shoot . . . , I like conversation period.  The service staff try to be friendly and perky, but they have other customers so you feel guilty taking up too much of their time.

Going to the movies alone was one of my first forays into the “single world” again.  You sit in the dark, no one notices or if they do, you don’t feel so obvious.  Besides, you don’t have to share your popcorn with anyone else, right?

So I believe one of my next “good intentions” to work on is embracing doing things alone and becoming more comfortable with it.  I share the blog below to further my resolve!!

But hey, if you’re up for hanging out – – – give me a call!!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2015/05/02/why-you-should-really-start-doing-more-things-alone/?tid=hybrid_experimentrandom_2_na

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May 18

Where’s The “Pause” Button?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sometimes in my life I wish, like on the TV remote, there was a “pause” button.  When things are moving too fast or not going the way you want, or have planned, wouldn’t it be nice to just hit PAUSE?

I guess that would be too easy?

I don’t like change; I get very settled in and comfortable.  There is a certain ease that comes along with being predictable, of knowing the future and all that it entails.  I’m a planner and when those plans go awry it’s disconcerting – to say the least.

It can be something as small as having movie plans for days with four friends for a Friday night, and that day two people cancel.  It can be something as large as reviewing your longterm financial plans with your money manager only to be told that something you love and are passionate about, you are going to have to give up.

You live a good life, you are a friend to others, you follow the rules, you help out any time there is a need.  You honor your faith, your family and your friends yet still disappointing things happen.  It becomes obvious that you do not get to ask “why?” because there is no clear cut answer.  Sometimes things just don’t go your way, sometimes people and their actions are going to disappoint you, sometimes LIFE is going to disappoint you.

You want to hit the “pause” button and catch your breath and figure things out.  No such luck.  There is no “pause” button in life, you just muddle through the best you can.

I’m reminded of the classic line in the Cher movie, “Moonstruck” when she slaps the guy and says, “Snap out of it!”   I need to learn how to snap out of it because there is no pause button and life is going to keep moving on regardless of my wishes, dreams and desires.

If you ever need to figure out how to deal with your life, just listen to a C&W song!

“Brick by brick, you let it go, as you walk away from everything you know.”

This is going to be a very hard week for me as I walk away from something I love because I can no longer “afford” it.  I wish there was a “pause” button so I wouldn’t have to give it up but alas – not to be.  If you’ve ever had to do the same thing, I feel your pain and I know you feel mine.  I’m just going to have to snap out of it I suppose . . .

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Apr 20

Bouncing Back Better – Part Deaux!

by suddenlysinglewomen

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Last week I shared some pointers I’d seen in the AARP Newsletter and promised I’d get back with some “further” thoughts!  So here goes:

1)  Don’t rush it.   There was nothing “rushed” about my divorce.   Luckily for women in the State of Texas, we have Community Property.  After a year + of “h*ll”, it was done.

The next thing that was not rushed was what I would call “recovery”.  Life does not just move on, it’s a struggle.  You’ve been thrown a curve ball, a slider, a sinker,  I could go on all day with the sports metaphors but truth is, you’re unbalanced (and I mean that in a good way).  You need to take the time to reacquaint yourself WITH yourself.  You’ve changed and it takes time to see your way through to this next phase of your life.  You are ALONE!  No matter your support system, you’re going to need to do a lot of this on your own.  Take your time and get to know the person inside; let the new woman emerge as better and brighter than before!

2)  Consult others.  This is so important.  It can be your family, your best friend, a professional therapist, a member of the clergy, a support group – many choices and only you will know what is best or possible for you.  Some are free, some come with cost – but all should be considered when seeking guidance to steer you through this important next phase.  You’re laying the groundwork for the next 20, 30, 4o years of your life.  Don’t you think that’s important enough to get some feedback?  A good listening ear is worth it.

Maybe you just need to hear yourself talk, maybe you really do want some answers?  Regardless of your state of mind, few can get through to the other side without some kind of help.  If people offer, take them up on it.  If they don’t, maybe consider that they’re just waiting to be asked.  If they’re not interested in listening or helping,  you’ll know pretty quickly so you can move away from them and look elsewhere.  It’s not a sign of weakness to seek help, it’s a sign of strength in acknowledging that you want to get to a better place.

3)  Think positive.  It’s all in the way you spin it in your mind.  Yep, no doubt about it, divorce sucks!  I really used to despise that word when my sons, then late teens and early 20’s, used it.  Boy does it apply though.  It just totally sums up what you’re going through.  You wonder if you’ll ever smile again, if you’ll ever love again, if you’ll ever feel cherished again?  You will.  Find a reason to smile, love yourself and cherish the time you have left on this earth to fulfill a dream, a destiny, a purpose.

There are no instant fixes but having a positive outlook will help  you get there much faster.  Not saying it’s not OK to have some dark thoughts, you will, I still do.  I can happily report though that they seem to be further and further apart these days.  Little things will set them off, that need to have a pity party but just don’t let it rule your thoughts every day.  Never let it be an excuse for bad behavior, there are enough people out there exhibiting their own bad behavior for you to be adding to it.  Having trouble making yourself happy?  Then try finding ways to make others happy by doing nice, unexpected things for them.  That alone can get you in a positive frame of mind.  Just today while outside enjoying a nice spring day (after three months of rain, gloom and doom) while walking the dogs, I passed by a neighbor’s house where the yardman was putting in some spring color.  He hopped up out of the way of my two large canines and noticing his work I smiled at him and commented on how pretty the flowers were.  The change on his face was amazing, he seemed so surprised that someone would compliment him.  It made him smile, it made me smile.  Easy!  Take time to be positive.

4)  Recognize your own strengths.  I had been pretty well sheltered during my “child”  life.  My father took care of everything outside the house, my mother took care of everything inside the house.  He went to work everyday and provided for his family.  My mother made sure we were well fed and taken care of.  I expected to grow up, marry and have the same thing.

My spouse provided for us, but I was never a full partner in the decision making having to do with finances, where we lived, what we did, who we saw, etc.  When I suddenly found myself single and alone – it was frightening.  Would I be able to make decisions based on very little experience having to do with day-to-day living?  I’d been a daughter, a wife, a mother; I had never been solely responsible.  Guess what?  I am pretty smart and capable.  Who knew?  (smile)  Recognize that you too are smart and capable.  You can take care of yourself and make smart decisions.  If you need guidance, ask for it.  Coming out from the shadows and into the light is very liberating.  I’ll make some bad decisions and I’ll learn from them and I will keep moving forward.  I am strong, . . . I am woman . . . (you know what’s coming!), hear me roar!

 

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Apr 16

AARP – Yep, I’m Getting Old!

by suddenlysinglewomen

I remember when I first got my “invitation” to join AARP.  I was turning 50.  WHAT?  Isn’t that what you do when you’re approaching 65-ish?  Obviously not.  What made it even worse was the fact that I was a year older than my “then” spouse and boy did he rub it in.

Fast forward to now, I am a member of AARP and the newer fact that I actually enjoy reading some of the articles they write in their newsletter.  OK, so not all the articles pertain to me – I don’t need a “walk-in” tub or a pendant to wear for medical alerts or falls or a wheel chair and walker.  However, every once in a while they have something that I can really relate to, thus today’s “share”.

These helpful hints can actually be applied to multiple maladies, but they rang very true to me in “Divorce Recovery” and I’d like to share them with you for your quest of survival from whatever brings you unhappiness.  The title of the section is:  “Bouncing Back, Better“.

1)  Don’t rush it.  Take time after a shock, says Susan Bridges, president of William Bridges and Associates, which provides transition coaching.  “We see it as a three-phase process; starting with acknowledging what has ended.”

2)  Consult others.  Richard Leider of AARP’s Life Reimagined suggests assembling a sounding board of friends as advisors.  “You want a committed listener, who can just hear what you have to say without trying to fix anything,” he says.  “Then you want a catalyst, who offers inspiration through his or her own story.  And then you want a wise elder, who helps you keep your eye on the big picture.”

3)  Think positive.  “Whether people can access positive emotions in dire circumstances is typically a matter of what kind of sense they make of the event,” says psychologist Barbara Fredrickson.  “The reaction to a natural disaster could be “I lost everything,” or it could be “I’m still breathing.”

4)  Recognize your own strengths.  “People say that they now experience themselves as a different person,” says psychologist Lawrence Calhoun.  “They see themselves as more vulnerable than they thought but stronger than they ever imagined.”

I’ll give you some time to ponder these thoughts, and when next we “connect”, I’ll share some of my thoughts on these suggestions, and the ways I’ve tried to “Bounce Back”.

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Mar 24

The “Positive Spin” – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

I recently posted about some disappointments I’ve had in people I considered good  friends, and how much that can hurt and deflate you.  Since some of my followers are people that I see on a regular basis, I received questions of concern and curiosity.  Not only is it great to know people do read what I occasionally send out, but heart warming to realize that there are still many who care and hope for the best for me.

While I wish that everything that I share could be positive, sometimes there are things that I send you to be thought provoking; then there are the things that cause my heart sorrow and I just need to get it off my chest during my most alone times.

I need look no further for a positive spin on the disappointments in life than this quote from President John F Kennedy who knew the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows.

“Change is the law of life.  And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future”

While I’m pretty sure this statement had little to do with my feeling down and disappointed, and everything to do with our great nation’s future back in the early 60’s, it still rings true for “life in general”!  I’ve written before about the difficulty in driving “forward” if all you do is look in “the rear view mirror”.

This is just another way of saying it.  Such an easy concept, and such a hard thing to put into practice.  Instead of a “New Year’s Resolution” – maybe the thing I do is have a resolution every day to try to be more positive.  Look for the things you can add to your life to make yourself a better, brighter and happier person, and walk away from the things – or people – who drag you down.

Rose colored glasses and glass “half full” are my mantras of the day . . . what are yours?

 

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Mar 13

Another Weekend . . . Yippy?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Been kinda weird lately.  Lots of little things going wrong that are all starting to pile up.  I keep thinking that if one little positive thing would happen, then I wouldn’t mind so much all these little pesky things that keep getting me down.

I’m still waiting.

Maybe I’m having bad karma, maybe my biorhythms are crossing, but I’m truly feeling totally out of sync with the rest of the world.  Feeling out of sync and totally alone.  So alone that when I saw this link pop up that I not only considered opening it, I DID!

I’ve sworn off dating, I’ve thrown in the towel, I’m coming to grips with the fact that there is no white knight or charming prince in my future.  But hey, maybe you haven’t given up the hope yet????  So just in case you still believe in the fairy tale of happily ever after, at least this site has what they call the “Ten Best Dating Websites”!

So if your weekend is looming ahead of you as lonely and empty as mine is, here’s something for you to read up on, or maybe join “for free”.   Maybe there’s even one on there that you haven’t tried before.  After all, they only ever publish their “happy endings”, but wouldn’t you just really love to know how many people do not find matches on these sites?

OK – I’ll quit being negative . . . but the weekend is looming, the weather is kinda awful and well . . . you know . . .

http://www.top10bestdatingwebsites.com/?pubid=160006&hitid=369668413&c1=interspire-yahoo-MegaJ-1256

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Mar 2

Walking – It’s For Free!

by suddenlysinglewomen

I’m involved with two animal rescue groups here in my hometown.   One happens to be a “breed specific” rescue group, where I have adopted and fostered since 2007 – TYOTD.  (The Year Of The Divorce)  The other is an amazing “No Kill” Shelter where all breeds of dogs, cats, ferrets, bunnies – you name it, are welcomed.  The work is heart warming.  But . . . back to the dogs . . .

Dogs are my pet of choice, they keep me company in the house and provide for me the “opportunity” to get out of that same house on a daily “times three” basis!  Meaning??  I enjoy walking my dogs.  They love it, I love it, and it helps me hit my 10,000 steps a day so my FitBit loves it!

Recently I read an article encouraging you to “Fake Joy”.  I’m thinking . . . say what??  But hear me out, because it resonated with my own daily walking experience.  Gretchen Rubin is the best-selling author of The Happiness Project.  She suggested you could “fake joy”.  Seriously?

Here’s what she says:

“We think that we act because of how we feel.  But we also feel because of how we act.  So use this knowledge to change your mood.  Jump up and down; getting both feet off the ground makes you feel childlike and energetic.  Or go for a walk.  Just this morning I got an unnerving e-mail from someone and felt lousy about it.  So I headed out for a walk in Central Park with a friend.  So many things that tend to make a person happy are wrapped up in one little thing – a walk.  It really works!  When I got home, I wasn’t irritated anymore.  I realized, yeah, I got my perspective back.”

I love to walk, and whether or not it’s alone, with the dogs, with friends, around the park or in the neighborhood – it’s exhilarating.  It’s healthy, it’s good for your heart, your brain, your attitude.  I didn’t realize until after reading this article that the author is right – I always feel better when I’ve come in from a walk.

It’s a small step (pun intended) but maybe the beginning to making you feel better about your life?  The best part?  It’s FREE!  So as I wrap this up, and the dogs are sitting at my feet looking at me and thinking – LADY, ditch the bathrobe and let’s get going – it’s time for me to take a walk because I know that it’s going to make me feel better.  Let’s go!

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Feb 23

Resilience – Be The Definition

by suddenlysinglewomen

I enjoy reading, but for too many years I’ve pushed it aside for more “physical” activities.  I’ve decided to try to find a better balance between being active and being sedentary.  Being active always took my mind “off” the bad things.  Being “quiet” allowed them to sneak back in – those sneaky little pesky buggers!

So I’ve decided to take some advice from the professionals and “Face It”!   I share with you a quoted statement from a recent sedentary magazine article reading experience  I’ve found a new book to read by Steven Southwick, a professor of psychiatry at Yale University and the coauthor of:

Resilience:  The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges

“Coping with unfortunate events and moving on is the definition of resilience.  You can train yourself to be resilient by using difficult situations as a toughening experience.  Accept what you cannot change, and practice more productive responses.  So instead of shouting obscenities and banging on the steering wheel when you’re stuck in traffic, put on soothing music.  Realize that the traffic jam is an opportunity to get better control over your emotions.  If you do this over and over again, you will actually change the way that your brain functions.  No one enjoys stress and adversity, but they can help you grow.”

It’s worth a try at least.  Those bad experiences and hurtful things aren’t what you chose, but how you deal with them IS what you choose.  As I enter year eight, post divorce, I still struggle but also see most things more clearly now.  The further I get from it, the easier it becomes to step more confidently into the unknown of my future.

Join me?

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Feb 5

Every Now and Then . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

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I saw this on Facebook today.   I was taking a break from paperwork and scoping out things on the internet.

It’s one of those “stay at home days” with workers getting some repairs done that I’d been putting off.  It’ll be worth staying “home” if all the workers show and all the work is actually accomplished, but – – – what are the odds?

When I saw this, it just struck a chord, because lately I’ve been feeling really “left out in the cold”.  Abandoned isn’t really the right word, but it’s something similar – I just haven’t come up with it yet.  Nothing reminds you how “alone” you are like having to be the only person “in charge” and with no one there to back you up.

No one is around to share, to give you a hand up, to help you through the trials of daily living.  Running a household, making life’s day to day decisions, having to make choices that are expensive and that you will be stuck with for quite a while.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to bat those ideas around with?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully capable of making these decisions, I know I am.  What I miss is the sharing of those decisions.  The process of talking things through with another person, sharing your thoughts, the pros and cons.  Knowing there is someone else there to share those decisions with, whether they end up being good decisions or bad.

It would be nice to have a partner to run those thoughts “by”, to get their take.  NOT someone who only wants to tell you what to do all the time, I had that – never going back BUT . . . just a way to share.  As a single female, or just as a person in general, you never know that everything  is going to be alright, none of us do.

But the occasional hug, someone to squeeze your hand, a shoulder to lay your head against . . . someone to tell you that you are not in this alone – that’s what I miss.  Am I making sense?  Sometimes putting your thoughts out there is difficult, you’re feelings are so clear to you, but can you express them in such a way that others “get it”?

Will everything “be alright”?  Only time will tell – but for now, the workers are working and I’m taking it one repair at a time . . .

 

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