suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Jul 1

When Your “Friend” Foundation Shifts – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

During the divorce process, heck – even way before when things were so tense in my marriage due to the adulteries and the lies and deceptions, there were friends I knew would always be there for me.  They were the “real deal”.  They were my “Friend Foundation” – my rocks.  So when the divorce was done, and I was trying to put the pieces of my life back together, it was to those friends that I turned.  Natural, right?

Not so fast.  Several weeks ago I received an email from one of those “real deal” friends who DID stick around.  She had seen this on a blog site and thought it sounded like my personal circumstance.   I’ve copied it below.  Read it and see if it strikes a chord in you like it did in me:

     It was only weeks into my divorce when an IM popped up from a friend on my computer screen. I’d finally written        as openly as I could on my blog about what was happening—why I’d moved into my parents’house with my child, removed my husband’s name from Facebook, why I was no longer wearing a wedding ring. My friend’s words popped up on my screen.

“I’m not sure what happened,” she wrote. “But I want you to know I am on your ninja squad.”

Ninja squad? I hadn’t even realized I needed that. But I needed that. What I found was my circle of support was shifting quickly. People I believed were my rocks were questioning me, slipping away. Others surprised me by stepping in closer. Seeing the circle around me as ninjas—stealthy, smart, skilled, in sync—helped me to decide who I wanted to be at the ready when I was sparring or when I was silent.

I love the way she puts it, her Ninja Squad!  I thought I had a large Ninja Squad.  Turns out I didn’t.  For whatever reason, there are going to be many people who disappoint you when you go through a divorce.  Friends and family members who you thought would always be your “go to” people, will drift away and will no longer be a part of your inner circle.  You become inconvenient and their easiest way to handle it is just walk away.

I now have a small Ninja Squad, CS who sent this to me is one of them.  They’ve surrounded me in my times of need and enveloped me with unconditional love and hugs.  Be prepared for the loss of those you thought were real friends, but get ready to revel in the knowledge that there are some “real deal” friends out there and they will surprise you!   Embrace them, tell them thank you and when you get the chance someday, return the favor – because now you know what it means to have a foundation friend!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

4 Comments »
Jun 26

When I Need a Bit of Humor – Thank Goodness For My GF’s!

by suddenlysinglewomen

Just a little bit of levity today!!  Some days are just like that, ya know?

It’s summer and it’s hot, crazy traffic makes you crazier, and we all need something to make us smile!

Hope this helps!  Stay cool!!

Women's Lives after Divorce

1 Comment »
Jun 11

Can you grow after divorce?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Seeing divorce as an opportunity for growth?  Surely that must come on the “post” side of divorce because living through divorce is always about the opposite.  It’s like a destruction derby.  The life as you knew it is destroyed.  There is no growth there – if anything the whole thing makes you want to shrivel up inside like a wilting plant that’s had no water, no rays of sun, no fertilizer, no care.

The divorce process for me was long and drawn out and extremely painful both emotionally and physically.  You come out the other side and growth is the last thing on your mind.  You’ve been run over by a freight train and you’re trying to pick up the pieces.  How can you grow?  There were so many steps backwards that involved great frustration and self-doubt.

There is no easy answer for you, wish there was.  Every day is an opportunity for growth so perhaps taking baby steps is the way to achieve it.  Set some achievable goals that can be measured.  I’m not talking about the kind of things you think about for New Year’s Resolutions, but actual tangible, measurable goals that can be achieved.  Be honest with yourself.  Let’s try a little exercise – and this can be for post divorce recovery or any kind of growth you want to achieve.

Pick five areas in your life that you’d like to grow in, or change, or focus on to become happier.  These need to be tangible goals that you can measure.  Write them down, then put them in a safe place (that you’ll remember) or give them to a friend or family member to give to you in 12 months, one year!  You might be surprised.

I did this once as an exercise for an organization that was promoting leadership skills.  They kept them for us and mailed them to us after that 12 month period.  I admit I had forgotten.  When I received the envelope, I knew immediately what it was (after all, I recognized my own handwriting on the self-addressed envelope!).  There is this moment of doubt of thinking, “Did I do it?”  What a pleasant surprise to open it up and go over the five goals I had laid out for myself.  I had achieved them.  I had made a plan, challenged myself and achieved my growth.

Yes, you and I can both grow after our divorce, but only if we start somewhere.  Are you ready to start growing?

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

4 Comments »
Jun 4

When Plans Run Amok – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

I’m a planner, I admit it.  I like to plan and have everything carefully arranged so life can be a bit more simple, a tad easier day to day.  When plans run amok – GRRRRR!!!  We’re alone, so planning helps us prepare.  When life throws you curve balls – like a divorce – it’s good to have plans to fall back on.  Planning keeps you sane.  So today – – – –

I have a wonderful nephew who is supposed to be staying with me this summer, help out when I’m traveling, keeping the house safe and troubles at bay.  Till today when we found out his summer internship may fall through – darn, now who’s going to gather my mail for me while I’m on vacay??  And deal with locking gates and . . . nope, can’t worry about that now because I need to get the dogs to the vet for 7:30 a.m. drop off then on to deal with my vehicle.

Took the truck in for service, getting ready for a road trip, BAM – one tire has a nail, can’t be repaired, put on the spare and need to buy new tire.  NOPE!  Talk to #2 son who says it’s time for new tires anyway so let’s get four new tires.  OK – fine.  Make appointment online, order four new tires from Discount Tire, show up this morning at my 8:30 appointment time, BAM!

They don’t HAVE those tires – I’m thinking, then why do I have a piece of paper that says you do???  So of course, they have me, I’m there, so four different tires that they just happen to have in stock that are – of course – you guessed it, more $$$.  Fine, 45 minutes??  No problem, I’ve brought a book!!  More than an hour later, BAM!!

Sorry, they say.  Don’t know what happened, they say.  Two of the lug nuts won’t tighten, they’re stripped but we’ll send you over to another shop to get them replaced and pay for it.  No problem, I’ve now eaten into my day of getting things done but FINE – off I go.  And oh by the way, did I mention that I now have to get the new tires aligned, something I’d just paid for at the service checkup at the dealer??  BAM!!

Show up at the repair tire dealer, Discount Tire has called ahead and this man is shaking his head saying that they get a lot of Discount Tire customers with damage – GRRRRR!!!  He goes online and can’t fine anyone who has the parts that I need but yes he can certainly preform the alignment for me – an hour.  More perseverance, and he finds two lug nuts that fit my car and can be delivered – this morning.  But now maybe more than an hour?  BAM!!

Luckily I like to walk, so off I go to head home and be productive.  It’s exercise, right??  And it’s only 10:00 a.m. and my plans just aren’t working for me today.  And as I’m strolling home in 95 degree heat, I happen to walk behind a group of boutique shops that bring back a memory of the ex, BAM!!

Yep, that used to be a lingerie shop and one day, near Valentine’s Day that particular year, he had received a “thank you” postcard in the mail from that shop for becoming a new “customer”.  HA!!  Only problem was, the purchases were not for me, they were for adulterous liaison #2.  Yup, that whole marriage plan just didn’t quite work out the way I had intended it to either.  Instead of a plan running amok, it was a husband running amok.

So maybe the plan for today should just be to NOT make a plan – SIGH!!

Divorce Recovery Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

Leave a comment »
May 28

Memorial Day – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Today is Memorial Day.  All across this country flags are flying and people are honoring those who gave their lives for the “red, white & blue”.

My father was a military man, served in WWII and Korea.  It was something he never talked about, not many of them do.  They did their “duty”, then those who returned went on with their lives and somehow managed to get past, or at least get through the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  They didn’t ask for help, they didn’t ask for drugs or counseling or hospitalization or sympathy.

It wasn’t until the summer of 2007 that I even found out my father had been a part of D-Day and had landed at Utah Beach.  I had known about the Aleutian Islands and Northern Africa, but never Normandy.  This was a man who never questioned his duty, he just did it.  Looking at the shadow box of medals that hang in my Mother’s house, he must have done it well.  I lost my Dad in 1998 and I miss him every day.

I miss his integrity, I miss his quirky sense of humor, I miss his quiet intelligence and his sense of right and wrong.  He led by example, he didn’t need to brag about his accomplishments.  He was a part of Brokaw’s “The Greatest Generation”.  There is a huge difference between the vets of the 40’s and the vets of today.  In the 40’s they came home as heroes and they came home as winners.

So as we honor our fallen heroes today, let us not forget that we still have military men and women giving their lives today for our country, and for our freedom.   Let’s also remember to say thank you and honor those who do make it home and we’ll all be better for doing it.

Women's Lives after Divorce

3 Comments »
May 17

Taking A Break From Being Everything to Everybody – –

by suddenlysinglewomen
A dear friend, one of my first friends to “follow” my blog, sent me this the other day.  (Thanks CS!)  While it doesn’t speak to divorce “specifically”, I think it definitely covers ground that we all face after we divorce.  When you want to try to be everything to everybody, you wear out.  As a wife and a mother and a friend, I wanted to be there for everyone.  It was exhausting.  Now that I don’t necessarily have the time nor financial resources, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to give, give, give or feel guilty when I can’t.  This article below gives us permission to take a break.  Maybe it’s time to give yourself some of that compassion you used to give to everyone else.  Take care of you!
“You are a good person. It’s a long race. You are suffering from compassion fatigue.
Of course you care about people, but has there been a time in history when people have been put under more pressure to be charitable? You go to the store to pick up a quart of milk and pass a homeless man with a sign asking for your help, then you have to pass by someone selling brownies for some charity outside the grocery store, and when you pay for your milk you are asked if you want to make a donation to MS. It’s a veritable attack of the charities.

Not giving today does not mean you want the homeless man to starve, the Girl Scouts to miss their jamboree, or people to suffer from MS. It just means it is someone else’s turn to give today.

You have compassion fatigue because you have been compassionate. Compassion is not measured by how much you gave, or whether you were able to, or whether you fixed their problem, but that you wanted to. That compassion, even devoid of action, is precious and must be preserved. It makes us great.

So recover. Treat yourself to a margarita, a spa day, a drive by the ocean, a ride in the mountains, a day with family, or maybe some time in your church. Recharge because you are an important part of this world, and because you deserve it.

What we must not do, however, is defend ourselves with fiction that the problems are not real, that people are not suffering, or that they somehow deserve it. Suffering happens, it is not good, and we should not feel OK seeing it.

Being human means we have compassion; but being human also means we have limits. So when you feel the fatigue, let yourself off the hook. I am here to tell you it is OK, and there is no need to rationalize not giving. Tell yourself not today, I am taking the day (or week) off. It’s margarita Saturday, etc.

And when you are recharged, watch out world, your love for your fellow man can make a difference that would shame the rest of us. You are, after all, kind of amazing.” —

Eric Pederson

Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

Leave a comment »
May 14

Happy Mother’s Day

by suddenlysinglewomen

Not all divorced women are Mothers.  To those who are, whether it was by giving birth, adoption, step children or mothering those “four-legged” children, Mother’s Day is a day meant for you.  It celebrates all the sacrifices you’ve made, all the love you’ve given.  It’s one of my most favorite of days because it celebrates one of the things in my life that I think I did “the best”!

I have two sons, they are the highlights of my life.  My marriage may have not turned out the way that I hoped and dreamed it would, but those two boys did and then some.  Yup – I did that right.

So as I was walking the dogs on one of the last pleasant weather days before the HOT summer sets in, I was enjoying my “Motherhood” experience.  Thinking about how cute they were as babies, how active they were as toddlers, how sometimes scattered they were in school, how focused they were in college, and how successful they have become as young adults.  Then it dawned on me . . . without the “spouse”, these boys would not have happened.

So for Mother’s Day 2012, I’ll be grateful for the marriage and the husband, because even though he broke my heart, he also gave me the greatest gift possible – my sons. Wishing you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

1 Comment »
May 11

A Playlist!!

by suddenlysinglewomen

I’m a big music lover.  I have an old Nano and I take it with me everywhere so I can listen to my favorite tunes!!  I listen to it when I’m putting on my makeup, when I’m on the elliptical, when I’m vacuuming, when I’m outside walking, on an airplane, when I’m writing, walking on the beach.  It makes me smile, singing along with my fav tunes lifts my spirits.

I have different playlists for different things I do but one thing that gets the most “play time” is my play list about being stronger, being happier, and getting through each day knowing I’m going to make it.  So I would like to share some of these songs with you and maybe you can download them and use them as a “pick me up” too.  Listen to the lyrics.  I hope they speak to you like they speak to me!!  Enjoy!

Firework  by  Katy Perry

A Little Bit Stronger  by  Sara Evans

Stronger  by  Kelly Clarkson

Beautiful  by  Christina Aguilera

Anytime You Need A Friend  by  Mariah Carey

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted  by  Paul Young

Unwritten  by  Natasha Bedingfield

F**kin’ Perfect  by  Pink

Keep Your Head Up  by  Andy Grammer

King Of Anything  by  Sara Bareilles

Keep on singing those blues away!!!

Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

8 Comments »
May 1

You’re NOT Alone – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

While researching some thoughts about my blog, it’s become clear how many of us there are out there.  I also have great friends who share things with me when they think it would be useful for the upcoming book or this site.  I will always forward on to you what I think could help you in this survival quest.

Last time I shared another’s blog, I found the way to connect the two.  This time, I don’t seem to be able to make it work.  So here’s what I can try to do to help you find it.  It’s on the blog site of the Huffington Post.  This is what my gal pal sent me:

Lisa Arends: Rewrapping Divorce as a Gift

As my eldest son reminds me on many occasions, Google is your friend.  So if you can google it, I think you would enjoy the read.  As always, thanks for reading mine!!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

Leave a comment »
Apr 30

Shame Game – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Shame?  I never really thought too much about it until recently.  For some reason I always attributed the “shame” of my divorce to my ex.  After all he was the one who had the affairs, he was the one who wanted the divorce and filed the paper work.  He was the one who moved out, ending thirty plus years of a relationship.  He was the one with the shame. I didn’t think I carried any.

Several years ago I attended a wedding where both the parents of the bride and the groom had been married forty plus years.  It was mentioned during the wedding ceremony and after the feeling of joy and amazement washed over me, I felt strange.  There was an emptiness in my heart I had then attributed to being alone, divorced, unhappy.  Now I realize that what I was feeling was shame.  I carried shame that when my children got married no one would be able to say that about me.

I held shame that I had somehow let down my sons in showing them what a good marriage could and should be.  I held shame that my friends were all happily married, looking forward to retiring someday and just being with “each other” and I couldn’t keep my husband from straying.  I held shame that I was not attractive enough, smart enough, thin enough, witty enough to keep my man.  I felt shame that I couldn’t seem to fall in love with the game of golf that was so important to him and his friends and their wives.

There was shame in being the first person in my family to fall victim to divorce.  Everyone else had held it together throughout the good times and the bad, why couldn’t I?  Carrying around shame is like a noose around your neck.  Now that I’ve identified it, I’m going to get rid of it.  We all make mistakes and no marriage is perfect and even if there were things you wish you could have done differently that’s all in the past.  It’s not easy, we’re not born with guilt but we sure pick it up quickly there after.

So today I’m going to start dumping the shame, I did the best that I could with the circumstances that life dealt me.  I will start to become proud of who I am, the things I stand for and the places I have yet to go.  Don’t play the “Shame Game” – keep walking forward in your new life and enjoy the journey of new opportunities.

Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

6 Comments »
«Older Entries
Newer Entries »
Blog at WordPress.com.