suddenlysinglewomen

“If I cut you off… Chances are you handed me the scissors because trust is like crumpling up a piece of paper. You can smooth it over as much as you want but it will never be the same again.”

I saw this quote the other day; it was not attributed to any one person so I can’t give him/her credit – but I am sharing it.  Wow – such a visual and oh so very true!

This was the year that things were supposed to be so positive.  I welcomed a new grandson in June, everyone healthy and happy.  He joins his sister in bringing us much joy and a lot of “action”!  In September my eldest got married to a lovely young woman so I welcomed another beautiful daughter n’law into the fold.  There was much to smile about, I have the photos to prove it!!

Yet somehow it’s also been the most unsettling year.  Trust has been broken on multiple fronts and my heart has taken some major blows.  My “aloneness” has never been more in the forefront of my thoughts as it has been this year, a year that my family has actually expanded.

I have much to be thankful for; I can pay my bills, have a roof over my head, food on the table, my health and physical well being.  Why is that not enough?  Why do I keep thinking/hoping that there is more out there?  Still hanging onto the belief of happily ever after and being in love is beginning to look futile.

That said, reality is that life isn’t easy and there will always be challenges and speed bumps.  I do understand and accept that.  The things that I’m talking about here are the hits that blind side you.  I had certain assumptions about relationships that would never change, in the friends and family category, that were SO wrong.  You reach out, you keep trying and that piece of paper that holds your trust keeps getting crumpled back up and thrown back at you.  I’m so tired of trying to smooth out those wrinkles.

So yes, this year I’ve starting cutting people off.  Yes, as in the above quote, they handed me the scissors.  It’s awful, it’s painful, but in the end, if they have no problem hurting me that badly, then clearly I do not need them in my life as I continue my journey of hope and healing.  How very sad for them that they are at a point in their lives where they feel it’s OK to hurt and break trust?

Bring on 2016, it’ll be a New Year with fresh starts, new friends, changing horizons, expanding goals and hopefully I will be able to retire those scissors.

  This photo really grabbed my attention – it is SOOO me!   I grew up watching my Mom do the same thing.  Always caring and worrying about everyone else, doing very little to take care of her own needs or keeping her own dreams alive.  My Dad’s dreams were therefore her dreams.

I remember once being very young, and finding my mother sitting in a darkened bathroom, perched on the edge of the tub, just sitting there crying.  It was scary for a little girl, not understanding but wanting to comfort.  Later on when I was older I realized she has just suffered another miscarriage in their attempt to bring a second baby into the family.  To this day it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed.   Silent tears and feeling that alone – I couldn’t imagine it nor understand it at my young age.

Now I get it.

My loneliness is a living breathing thing that I fight down, or attempt to, all the time.  Married couple “friends” hang out with “married couples”, it’s just what they do.  My single GF’s suffer the same as I do.  Don’t get me wrong, we do get together and try to help each other get through our lonely times – but just not the same as having your own “person”.  I so miss just holding hands with someone.

Humans need touch, we need people.  We were not built to be alone.  One of my biggest fears as I get older is that I will die alone.  The other day I lost a good friend to cancer, she had been battling it a long time but did it with such beauty and grace.  She had been a lifeline to me during the TYOTD, and was one that helped me hold it together.  She was my horse trainer and a gentle soul.  I would cry on her shoulder and she would offer gentle non-judgmental hugs whenever needed.  They were needed a lot that summer . . .

I never had to ask, she just knew I needed someone.  I don’t ever ask.  It’s wrong of me to assume that people will know I’m hurting, that I’m lonely, and I need them.  But I am like the photo above, always caring for others, trying to help others, and hiding from my own needs.  Can’t people see how hurt I am, how alone I am?  I mask it well, many years of practice and I learned from the best.

I’m so blessed that my Mom is still alive and almost 97.  She knows the “adult” me is here for her now, she doesn’t have to cry those silent tears.  And maybe someday soon I won’t have to either?