suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Mar 11

Match.com vs. Netflix.com

by suddenlysinglewomen

This past Sunday I was with a group of 8 fun ladies, most of us having met through our “Divorce Recovery” support group.  Not having a man thankfully no longer slows us down, or keeps us at home.  We attended an amazing art exhibit at the Museum and then settled in for dinner afterward.  Of course, the subject comes up – dating and men!

As previously noted, I have once again tried the “online” dating websites and was regaling the ladies of this past week’s “meets and greets”.  More on that in another post – sigh – I could do a stand up comedy routine on the exploits of my dating life . . . when did meeting at a restaurant at 7:00 stop implying a meal???

One of my blog “followers” (love you M.E.!) suggests that choosing to date these days could boil down to a priority choice . . . match.com or netflix.com.    She was opting for Netflix.  After my last week’s experiences, I’m tending to think the same.  I once had a man I was seeing tell me that dating hadn’t changed since we’d done it in our 20’s.  REALLY????  I beg to differ.

Out of the four M&G’s I had last week, three had never been married, the other one had been divorced almost 20 years.   I am here to tell you that dating HAS changed, and at this age, it’s both intimidating, exhausting and mostly demoralizing.  There are 3 or 4 of us for every available 1 of them.  They’re a valuable commodity and they know it.  One friend told me she had to go through a lot of loser’s before she found a nice one – I don’t know that I have the strength?

They prepare to meet you by swinging by the house and changing shirts, maybe!  We mostly prepare with a shower, change of ensembles, look in the mirror, change again, do our hair, apply new makeup, look in the mirror again, throw on the Spanx, feed the dog, check the DVR, leave a note where we’re going should we never come back and the police need a starting point in their search, call a GF on the way for morale support, tell HER where you’re going should you never come back, then arrive early so we can be seated when they show up vs. walking in and having to scan the room for a man who looks older than his posted pic all the while telegraphing to anyone else in the restaurant/bar that you’re on a “blind” date (if you can even call it a date?).  Am I right?

My moods toward dating swing high and low, back and forth and I can feel Netflix starting to edge out the competition.  Since my latest dating profiles are now about a month old, the winks and flirts and “yes’s” have started to dry up – I’m no longer the new girl on the block and the offers to meet have mostly stopped.

Yes, dating IS different, we no longer have our High School BFF to do her due diligence on the boy you have a crush on who then avoids you in the hallways if he’s not interested.  You’re bruised but you move on.  Nowadays we’re out there on our own, no one to run interference, dealing with men who troll the websites, message you then disappear, or worse, offer to meet you at a restaurant at 7:00 and offer to get you a glass of ice water . . .

Yup – Netflix is looking pretty durn good for this weekend.

 

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Mar 4

Dating – Sometimes It Just . . . . . . . (Fill in the Blank!!)

by suddenlysinglewomen

So I recently shared with you “putting it out there in the Universe” and that worked SOOOOO well – NOT!

Then a dear friend tells me she has a new BF, one she found on eHarmony.  So even though I’ve never had any luck on the dating websites per se, I think I’ll give it another shot.  I sign up for eHarmony.  The first week, I begin a conversation – via eHarmony site – with a (on paper) seemingly nice and interested gentleman.  He seems to meet my criteria.  He seems interested.  Then after a week of online repartee, he disappears – totally.  No more communication.  Gee – was it something I said?

Not to be dissuaded, I begin another online conversation with a nice and interested man, we get to the point that he says let’s communicate “outside” of the eHarmony website and gives me his real name, real cell phone number, real job and website and suggests to me that I “google him”.  I’m thinking, OK, he wouldn’t give me his stats unless he was interested . . . right?

One day later, after I’ve thanked him for his “trust”, he sends me a message that an old “relationship” wants to try again so he’s off the market and wishes me good luck.  I mean . . . seriously?  It’s really hard to keep the confidence level high when you can’t even get a “face to face”.  Believe me, I’m much better “in person” than over cyber space.

The next week, I decide to try “OurTime.com” – a website for the 50+ only, thinking once again that if they go to the trouble of filling out a profile and answering questions then they might actually be interested in meeting people?  Something about having to spend $$ to join makes you think they’re more serious.  Again, photos are “liked”, “flirts” are sent, conversations are started and all is plodding along swell until it gets to the point of actually setting up a “meet” – then the communications stop.  One begins to believe these are the “married” guys you here about that are only searching for some cyber space thrills but can’t really deliver themselves ‘in person”.

One offers to meet for coffee, or at least to get a rain check then when you accept the offer – poof.  Haven’t heard from him in two days.  And they say women “tease”?  !@#$%^&*?  But hey – I’ve paid for my month so I’ll keep it up but I’m not very hopeful.  I have included below another gift from my friend Diva J, which when you listen to it will lead you to believe that the men really DO want to meet and have a relationship.  Guess I haven’t found that website . . . yet!

http://seniorplanet.org/dating-relationships-sex-after-60-with-hal-spielman-and-marc-silbert/

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Feb 24

Saving Yourself The Heartbreak – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen
This is an article shared with me by good friend Diva J, who thought it could speak to my readers.  She is divorced from her first husband, but is one of the lucky ones who found the real deal afterwards.  She and her “now”  husband are two of the happiest “married” people I know!  They inspire me that it IS possible, but maybe just not my time yet???
Whether or not it WILL ever be my time or not, there are certain things that will surely set you and me up for heartbreak and relationship failure.   One of those is “looking for a rich man to marry” who will make your life easier and furnish you comfort and “happily ever after”.
Don’t buy into that myth.
We all need to learn to take care of ourselves.  I can also pretty much promise you that most of those women who do “land the rich man”, have a fairly shallow and empty, albeit comfortable life.
Would I trade places with them?  Not a chance.  I’m learning how to love and value myself as a single female and I urge you all to do the same.  I hope you enjoy the article below,  and take away valuable insight what you should be hoping for!
Like This Page · February 20
Dear Ones —Help me to understand something.

In the past year, I have overheard no fewer than four women in my personal acquaintance suggest that their lives would be completely solved (and that their creative potential would be completely realized) if only they had married (or could marry) a rich man.

These are women whom I have admired for years. They are different in age, in background, in passions, in upbringing — but they are each strong and smart and competent and completely healthy in mind and body. And each one of them still dreams of snagging a guy with money, who will (presumably) remove all their obstacles and solve all their problems.

The most startling example was a woman who is a powerful, famous writer. This woman is ardent and outspoken feminist. An example to all human sisterhood. A person I have looked up to forever. We did a reading together recently. A young, female audience member asked her, “What advice to you do you have for aspiring writers?” The famous author replied: “Marry a rich man.”

When I heard this, my soul let out an anguished howl. I simply could not contain myself. I cried out, “NOOOOOO!”

The author turned to me in genuine surprise. “But how will she get her writing done, if she has to pay the bills herself?” she asked.

People, listen to me. I wrote my first two books when I was a diner waitress and bartender. I worked as a nanny and a cook, and I stocked other people’s books in a bookstore. I did whatever work I had to do, and I honed my craft in my stolen hours. Hours that belonged solely to ME, because I had bought them myself.

Toni Morrison wrote her first books as a single mother. She did it by getting up at 4:00am while her young son slept, and putting in the hours at the typewriter before she went to her fulltime paycheck-earning job.

My friend Ann Patchett wrote her first books while she was a broke-ass waitress at TGI Fridays in Nashville.

Her friend, the poet Lucy Greeley, wrote her books while she was in numberless hospitals, enduring countless reconstructive surgeries from a lifetime spent battling bone cancer.

Cheryl Strayed, Anne Lamott, Sue Monk Kidd, J.K. Rowling…do you want me to go on?

There are no rich men in any of these stories.

Please help me to understand, then, why this fantasy of the rich man endures. Why would a brilliant, gifted, healthy, powerful woman still hold to the hope that someday a Mr. Darcey will arrive, and open up a world of possibilities that she somehow cannot open for herself?

Whenever I hear this fantasy expressed, in any form, I want to say, “WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY, WOMAN?”

I was practically a baby in the cradle when I first heard Gloria Steinem say that we should strive to become the men we always wanted to marry. I took it to heart. That was 40 years ago. Does it need to be said again?

Can you help me wrap my mind around why this story endures? Can anyone explain this dream in a way that makes any sense to me? Because I really don’t get it. In fact, it makes me want to spit nails and blow fireballs through my ears.

AUTONOMY IS THE GOD OF WOMEN. Never forget that.

Hell, autonomy is the god of everyone.

Which is what I told all the aspiring young writers in the audience that night. And I also told them: “Now go get yours.”

Onward,
LG

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Feb 14

Happy Valentine’s Day – and 2nd Anniversary!

by suddenlysinglewomen

 

 

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Well – I can’t believe my Blog is celebrating it’s 2nd anniversary, the time has flown and hopefully we’ve all grown in our journey to become happier independent women.

Valentine’s Day is hard, because all around you is such a push to commercialization of “love”.  You feel slighted that you don’t have a sweetheart, there are no floral deliveries or mushy cards coming your way.

My college BF proposed on Valentine’s Day 1974, and dumped me on Thanksgiving weekend the same year.  Valentine’s Day 1975 was the first date with the boy who would become my  husband.  As you can see, I’ve not had much luck with the “day”.

I share the above photo because I think the thought rings through for both people who are around you, and your thoughts.  I believe this to be the year that I walk away from those unhealthy people who bring me down.  It is also the year that I attempt to banish the sad thoughts that weigh me down at times like “Valentine’s Day”.

On this year’s Valentine’s Day, I will love myself and celebrate my value to the world.   Join me in my quest, and thank you each and everyone for being with me and supporting me.  Hearts to you!

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Feb 13

Putting It Out There In The Universe – Part “Deux”

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sooooo, where was I?

I’d had my massage, I’d put it out there “in the Universe” all those sterling qualities that I was looking for in the perfect partner (I say tongue in cheek!).

I was sitting at dinner when in walks a group of “age appropriate” males, the two tables start chatting . . .

Two of the men are married, two are not.  Married One #1 is chatting with and sitting next to the single female in their group.  She is the one that originally strikes up the conversation with our group and invites us to slide our chairs on over.  My chair is against the wall facing “out”, and also closest to their table.  From the moment they sit down, Single One #1 takes his seat closest to mine and never really scoots under the table – he faces outward totally willing to engage our table.

They go around the table introducing themselves, sharing where they’re from, that they were frat brothers reuniting for a ski trip and share with us their marital status.  So I’ll set it up for you.  There is Lynn, Single woman.  To her right is Married One #1 – they are friends.  When Single One #1 by me tells us he’s (Married One #1) married, he rolls his eyes and then adds “kind of”.   Hmmmm . . .

To the right of Married One #1 is Single One #2.  He has a place in the mountains where some of them are bunking.  He has that look of “player” about him, that devilish smile that says he’s just fine being in that position of “free”.  To his right is Married One #2.  He’s from Dallas, also has a place in the mountains and has the “deer caught in the headlights” look that says he’s happy to be out with his mates, but not happy to be that close to so many unattached females.

To his right is Single One #1 who is close to me.  He’s tall, owns his own business, in good shape, fun loving and charismatic.  He offers to buy us dessert then shares it with us.  He has a place in Denver and Santa Barbara.  I’m thinking that I owe Alejandra a really large tip next time I go in for a massage because this whole “putting it out there in the Universe” thing is pretty cool.  Look what just landed in my lap?

The whole time Single One #1 is flirting with me, Married One #2 looks like he’s about to implode.  I try to engage him into the conversation with talk of football, snow, work – something to make him more comfortable.  The more Single One #1 talks and flirts, the worse Married One #2 looks.   I’m thinking it’s kind of sweet that he appears so uncomfortable probably worried what the wife would think, yet he’s done nothing wrong.

When their meal comes, it’s time for us to leave.  Being the child of the 50’s that I am, (i.e. not comfortable being forward with men) I hand my contact info/card to Lynn, the single female because I’m just not quite brave enough to hand it to Single One #1 even though he’s made it pretty clear he’s interested.  If he wants the info bad enough, he’ll find me, right??  My friends and I leave the restaurant and I’m thinking 2014 WILL be my year.

Two days later I get a panic massage from one of the girls that had been with me at dinner.  Lynn, Single female from dinner, had just found out from Married One #1 that Single One #1 is NOT SINGLE.  Yup, bet you saw that coming didn’t you??  She was worried that he would reach out to me and that I wouldn’t know the truth.  She was protecting me.  All I can think is no WONDER Married One #2 was looking so sick to his stomach the other night.  He wasn’t worried about his wife, he knew that his friend was lying.

I went from about 100 degrees of High to 0 degrees of low in all of 3 seconds.  I’d put it out there in the Universe and this is what happens??  I wonder if this is what MY ex did to meet and hook up with women?  Did he tell them he was single?   Did his friends look smug or did they look uncomfortable?  Doesn’t matter now of course but I saw first hand just how easy it is for these men to troll – if they want to.

The year is young, and I’ll continue to “put it out there” but it was a good lesson for me to learn early on.  We have to look out for each other, it’s a much different Universe these days.

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Feb 7

Putting It Out There In The Universe – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

My favorite workout instructor is also my favorite masseuse.  She’s from Argentina – very Latina – and so fun to be around.  Yes, she kicks our butts in workout, but you don’t seem to mind.  She’s a positive, upbeat and inspiring woman.  When you get on her table for your massage, it’s life altering.  That also makes appointments with her very hard to score.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend had to cancel his 90 minute massage due to the flu.  I jumped on the chance to be a “fill in” for his allotted time.  After arriving and preparation, I thought we’d get down to the business of soothing my aching muscles – that was only partly true.  Alejandra decided that we needed to talk about my “singleness” and what I was doing about it.  Hmmppfffff!!!    As if it’s that easy?

She proceeded to instruct me on how to “put things out there in the Universe” and questioned me on what I was looking for in a man.  I figured it couldn’t hurt so I began to site traits that I thought were important for my life partner.  Now admittedly the older I get, the more certain I become that there are some things out there you might hope for that are just not going to happen.  However, remember, I’m a dreamer so why not put it out there – just in case?   She believes you have to “say it out loud” for it to happen.

It wasn’t but a few days later while out to dinner with some girlfriends that a group of four men and one woman were seated next to us in the restaurant.  We were almost done with our meal, they were just starting.  One thing leads to another and we begin talking between the tables.  Eventually we scoot our chairs over to join in the group.  The men are old college buddies visiting for a ski trip, the woman is a single friend of one of them who is joining them for dinner.  Of the four men, two say they are married, two say they are single but none seem to be involved with the single woman, just friends.  Information is exchanged and for the first time in several years I begin to think maybe Alejandra is right that things happen when you say them out loud!

My next installment will continue with what happened next but until then, I’ll share a post with you that one of my staunchest supporters shared with me.   Thank you Diva J – I hope my readers who are “looking” will take heart.  See below and happy “dreaming” of what could be . . .

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bj-gallagher/is-love-possible-late-in_b_454478.html

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Jan 31

Eyes Wide Open –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Do you watch “The Voice”?  I stumbled upon it at the beginning of it’s second season and I’ve been hooked ever since.  I never watched “Idol” or “America’s Got Talent” but something about the combination and chemistry of the judges on this show just speaks to me.  I have a fairly strong musical background and have always had the “suppressed” desire to sing in a microphone.  That doesn’t count the singing and dancing that I sometimes do around my house, much to my dog’s chagrin!

For some reason, last Fall I had so much going on that I got way behind in watching the fifth installment of “The Voice” and I am just now catching up.  I have to brag – I did pick the winners of Season’s Two through Four, and not just because I’m a big Blake Shelton fan – but just because I loved the artists.  So . . . back to the DVR and Season Five!

During one of the Knockout Rounds, Judge Ceelo Green is commenting on a particular artist’s performance.  He said that her singing made him “dream with my eyes open”.   I do that all the time, mostly when I probably should be accomplishing something else – something concrete.  Whether or not you daydream, or dream to sounds of music, or dream of inserting yourself into a good novel you’re reading, or when you are spaced out on the couch, I believe dreaming is a vital part of our daily lives.

Dreaming fosters hope, dreaming with your eyes open lets you envision the possibilities that lay ahead of you and keeps you in the present and moving into the future – not looking backward.   The past shapes us, of that I have no doubt.  But the ability to move forward and make positive things happen in your life is enhanced when you let yourself have a dream – eyes open.

As I write this, I gaze out my window at beautiful snow on the ground and wonder where my dreams will take me?   I’m no longer afraid to dream BIG.  Big dreams cannot hurt you, and they may not always happen as you hope or expect, but they surely might get you moving in the right direction.

So open your eyes and dream . . .

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Jan 22

Memories – Holding On To The Positives Of The Past

by suddenlysinglewomen

I don’t know about you, but I’m really loving the Downton Abbey series on PBS, also known as Masterpiece Classic (as I found out when attempting to set a DVR to record!).  We here in the States just started Season Four.

Whether or not you have a fascination with the past, it is fun for me to see how it was to live in “another time.”   And admitting to it, yes, I like many others have a curiosity about that “upper crust” lifestyle and how semi-royalty wiled away their days and evenings.  For those of you watching, you’ll know Carson, who “runs” the household behind the scenes for the family of the manor.  A rather stoic fellow, who shows very little feeling or heart on most days.

We found out recently that as a younger man, he had a “love interest” who had broken his heart when she picked his best friend over himself.   One assumes he’s never loved again.  Last night one of his staff members surprises him with a gift, a framed photo of his lost love.  She suggests he display it on his desk so the whole staff will see a softer side to Carson.  His next comment had me running for a pen and paper – to share here.

Carson says, “The business of life is the acquisition of memories, in the end that’s all there is.”  It got my attention because as someone who sometimes wastes too much time “reliving the past” in my mind I am full of memories both good and bad.  While I may try very hard to forget the bad memories, and only think about the happy memories, in “the end” – that IS all we have.

Our lives are always going to be a full combination of the sum of those memories, both happy and sad and the key I suppose is knowing how to go forward with those same memories?  Trying not to be bogged down with the unhappy ones – a challenge to be sure.  However we can all try to be happy with the positive ones and living with the hope that on balance, there will be more of those in our future.

Here’s to many more happy ones for all of us in 2014.

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Jan 7

Negative Thoughts, We All Have Them – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts

Negative thoughts, how they seep into your consciousness and never let go.  Happens to me all the time and I hate it.  It’s like my mind is trying to run away from them and they keep following.

Kinda like when my very large dog (therefore a large collar and tags ring) leans over the pulled out bottom tray of the dishwasher, stacked full of heavy dishes, sniffs those dishes then backs up quickly when I fuss at him.  Of course his collar’s tag ring has now hooked on that lower tray, and as he backs up it follows him.  His response to the frightening thing following him????  Of course the response is to back away even faster – not realizing of course that he’s hooked to it and it’s GOING to follow him.  Chaos and flying dishes everywhere.

I’ve wondered for years how you get those negative thoughts to quit following you like they are hooked to your brain.  Everywhere you go, they go.  The faster I try to escape them, the faster they follow me – in my head, swirling around in that fog that is my brain.  Like the dog pulling away and the dishes flying and breaking he doesn’t understand that if he would just STOP, and chill – I could unhook him and stop the carnage.  But how do we stop – and chill?

Some chill with medications, as the author said in the above link – he tried it then decided to go a different direction.  I’ve also tried the anti-anxiety med route, but it’s a mask and your situation hasn’t changed – it’s just been dulled.  Many chill with alcohol – again, just a bandaid that eventually is going to pull off and you’re still faced with the same issues, they don’t disappear with a good (or bad) bottle of wine.  People will compensate for the pain by over working, working their bodies to exhaustion, anything but coming to terms with the negative.

I hope and pray that in the New Year, we can find a way to let GO of those negative and fearful thoughts.  Not by masking them but by finding a way to let them go.  Like a winter snow melts away in the warmth and sunshine of a new spring, may we all find a way to let the negativity in our minds and in our hearts release it’s hold on us . . . and just melt away.

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Jan 1

2013 In Review – – – Here’s To More Readers In 2014!! Share!!

by suddenlysinglewomen

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for my blog.  I’m sharing because it was so interesting seeing that it’s being followed not only around the U.S. but also in other countries!  I can’t thank you all enough for following, commenting, and sharing with me our journey to better days!!  Wishing you all the best in 2014 and many smiles in our futures . . .

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 610 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 10 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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