suddenlysinglewomen

I saw this on Facebook today.   I was taking a break from paperwork and scoping out things on the internet.

It’s one of those “stay at home days” with workers getting some repairs done that I’d been putting off.  It’ll be worth staying “home” if all the workers show and all the work is actually accomplished, but – – – what are the odds?

When I saw this, it just struck a chord, because lately I’ve been feeling really “left out in the cold”.  Abandoned isn’t really the right word, but it’s something similar – I just haven’t come up with it yet.  Nothing reminds you how “alone” you are like having to be the only person “in charge” and with no one there to back you up.

No one is around to share, to give you a hand up, to help you through the trials of daily living.  Running a household, making life’s day to day decisions, having to make choices that are expensive and that you will be stuck with for quite a while.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to bat those ideas around with?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully capable of making these decisions, I know I am.  What I miss is the sharing of those decisions.  The process of talking things through with another person, sharing your thoughts, the pros and cons.  Knowing there is someone else there to share those decisions with, whether they end up being good decisions or bad.

It would be nice to have a partner to run those thoughts “by”, to get their take.  NOT someone who only wants to tell you what to do all the time, I had that – never going back BUT . . . just a way to share.  As a single female, or just as a person in general, you never know that everything  is going to be alright, none of us do.

But the occasional hug, someone to squeeze your hand, a shoulder to lay your head against . . . someone to tell you that you are not in this alone – that’s what I miss.  Am I making sense?  Sometimes putting your thoughts out there is difficult, you’re feelings are so clear to you, but can you express them in such a way that others “get it”?

Will everything “be alright”?  Only time will tell – but for now, the workers are working and I’m taking it one repair at a time . . .

The will to survive – do you have it?  I’ve always felt that I do.  Post divorce I’ll admit, I was scared.  I’d been a daughter, a girlfriend, a wife – and always “under the control” of a male.  They might have meant it in the “best way” – just wanting to take care of me, guide me or make the best decisions FOR me, right?

After the divorce, this would be my first time truly on my own.  Would I survive?  Could I learn to make the decisions best for my future and learn to take care of myself?  Was I smart enough?  Was I strong enough?  After all, when someone else has taken care of all those “decisions” for so many years, is it because you weren’t bright enough to do it yourself, or was it because it was a generational thing, or were they just THAT controlling?

Maybe, just maybe it could have been fueled by my lack of asserting myself?  Did I add to the problem?  Of course I did, but unwittingly.  It’s all I’d ever known.  It’s how I grew up and what I saw in my own family.  I allowed myself to be a pawn in life’s game of chess.  Then suddenly one day, all those pieces had been wiped off the board and I was alone.

I’m currently spending a few days in Colorado, a beautiful place to come to “chill” (pun intended) and regroup.  I’m always able to see life more clearly when I’m here.  Could be the air, could be the view, could be my subconscious telling me this is where I’m meant to be?  Regardless, this is one of my happy places.  It’s also unbelievably cold today.  I saw on the weather app on my phone that it’s currently “zero” degrees outside.  WOW!

I bundled myself up to take a short stroll just to see what “zero” really feels like.  HA!  It feels really cold, yet in the bright sunshine, some of the snow is melting.  Along the flowerbed in front of the house I couldn’t help but notice the above pansy, struggling to peak through the melting snow to catch a few rays of warmth and sunshine.

That is one stubborn purple pansy with a will to survive.  All the other plants have shut down for the winter, but not this little one.  I’ve discovered that just like that pansy I am strong,  I may have been covered up and temporarily buried, but you will see me again.  I will seek the light and I will survive. . . and I hope you will find your strength to do the same.