suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Jan 22

The Will To Survive – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

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The will to survive – do you have it?  I’ve always felt that I do.  Post divorce I’ll admit, I was scared.  I’d been a daughter, a girlfriend, a wife – and always “under the control” of a male.  They might have meant it in the “best way” – just wanting to take care of me, guide me or make the best decisions FOR me, right?

After the divorce, this would be my first time truly on my own.  Would I survive?  Could I learn to make the decisions best for my future and learn to take care of myself?  Was I smart enough?  Was I strong enough?  After all, when someone else has taken care of all those “decisions” for so many years, is it because you weren’t bright enough to do it yourself, or was it because it was a generational thing, or were they just THAT controlling?

Maybe, just maybe it could have been fueled by my lack of asserting myself?  Did I add to the problem?  Of course I did, but unwittingly.  It’s all I’d ever known.  It’s how I grew up and what I saw in my own family.  I allowed myself to be a pawn in life’s game of chess.  Then suddenly one day, all those pieces had been wiped off the board and I was alone.

I’m currently spending a few days in Colorado, a beautiful place to come to “chill” (pun intended) and regroup.  I’m always able to see life more clearly when I’m here.  Could be the air, could be the view, could be my subconscious telling me this is where I’m meant to be?  Regardless, this is one of my happy places.  It’s also unbelievably cold today.  I saw on the weather app on my phone that it’s currently “zero” degrees outside.  WOW!

I bundled myself up to take a short stroll just to see what “zero” really feels like.  HA!  It feels really cold, yet in the bright sunshine, some of the snow is melting.  Along the flowerbed in front of the house I couldn’t help but notice the above pansy, struggling to peak through the melting snow to catch a few rays of warmth and sunshine.

That is one stubborn purple pansy with a will to survive.  All the other plants have shut down for the winter, but not this little one.  I’ve discovered that just like that pansy I am strong,  I may have been covered up and temporarily buried, but you will see me again.  I will seek the light and I will survive. . . and I hope you will find your strength to do the same.

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Dec 31

2014 In Review – At Least Statistically???

by suddenlysinglewomen

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.   I couldn’t help but take a look to see how “we” had done this past year.  We all want to think we’re making progress, getting smarter, learning more, healing the hurts, etc.  What surprised me was that I’ve gone “International”.  Cool!  That just goes to show you how wide spread the healing needs go, the women it needs to reach.

Thanks for sharing my thoughts with others, thanks for sharing the blog site address with others and as always, thanks for your feedback and comments.  That’s when I really know I’m touching other lives, and they are touching mine – when you comment back.

Hoping your Holidays were wonderful and that 2015 will bring each and every one of us New Beginnings.  For me, 2015 will bring me a new Grandbaby in June, and a new Daughter ‘N Law in September.  Blessings to you all, see you “next year”!!

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 790 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 13 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Women's Lives after Divorce

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Dec 12

You’re Not Alone – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

I used to find one of the hardest things to deal with “post” divorce, was how alone I felt.  There was constant doubt of “what could I have done different”, etc. that took me a long time to realize the answer was NOTHING!  The shortcoming was not mine, it was his.

However, you still wonder if anyone else ever feels that same “lost” and “alone” feeling and how they deal with it?   Many keep it hidden, many allow it to drive them crazy, some feel comfortable getting it out there in the open and talking about it with family, friends, clergy, counselors and therapists.  We all deal differently but the key to remember is you are not alone and there are so many others out there going through this life altering experience.

When I see interviews like this, it reminds me that even those we perceive as beautiful and perfect still have broken hearts and loneliness.  Please enjoy this snippet of an interview I came across with Jane Seymour after her divorce.  They seem to have met in common ground and have a healthy relationship.  Not all of us are that fortunate.

This is certainly one of the times during the year that it’s brought so forward in our attention of being “alone”.  Cling to those who make you smile and laugh and bring you joy during the Holidaze!!  Wishing you great peace and prosperity in 2015!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/12/jane-seymour-divorce_n_6315274.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

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Nov 27

A Simple Thought For All Of You Today . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

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Women's Lives after Divorce

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Nov 18

Let Gratitude Change Your Attitude – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

So I was driving along the other day and there was a break in the music on the radio for a church ad.  Usually I listen to XM/Sirius radio so there’s little interruption but for some reason I was on regular radio programming.  A minister came on and was asking for attendance for the upcoming Sunday.

Generally I tune ads out, but there was just something about his voice.  Maybe that’s one of the things that lead him to his calling – a great voice that makes people sit up and notice.  His topic of discussion was going to be “Let Gratitude Change Your Attitude” . . . and it really stuck a chord in me.

I’ve said before how we can control our feelings and decide how we are going to let things that happen to us shape us.  I know you’ve heard it all before whether it be from your well meaning friends and family, or a therapist or divorce recovery group.  The message is always the same – you can get through this, you will feel better, you will recover.

But dang if it isn’t really  hard to do, right??

So when I heard this, it was like . . . WOW!  How five words can have such a profound impact?  Amazing.  I started thinking of all the things I have to be grateful for, and there are a lot.   You know what starts to happen when you let gratitude change your attitude?  You start smiling, your heart warms and your perspective does change.  You look at things a bit differently.  It’s slow at first, it’s SO easy to think of all the negatives and wallow in the gloom and doom.

I know, I’ve done it!

And I know that I will continue to do it at times BUT –

Maybe if everyday we look around us at the things we have to be grateful for, it could be the beginning of something really wonderful.  It just might, over time – change that attitude into a smile!

Divorce Recovery Divorce Settlements Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Oct 24

Loving Being Single??

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.  The truth is – I AM SINGLE!!!  OK, got that out there.  Sometimes I just have to come to grips with the fact that I am “single” through little fault of my own.  I have to adjust – EVERYTHING!

I don’t adjust well.  I like routine, I like pattern, I like boundaries.  I am a better person when I have a plan and no what tomorrow is “supposed” to bring.  When life throws me a loop, I get knocked over.  I don’t like it, I don’t appreciate it and I’m certainly not enjoying it.

Having no one to fight over the remote with can be a positive.  It’s nice to know if I get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom that the lid to the toilet will be down – just the way I left it the last time I used it.  I enjoy squeezing my toothpaste from the bottom and not having to push out the dents in the “middle of the tube” from the former spouse’s thumb!

When I come downstairs in the morning, the house is just the same as the way I left it when I went to bed – NICE!  So OK, I know there are some positives.  But if truth be told – I hate being single.  I hate going to events alone.  When I walk in I feel as if I have a big sign around my neck that says:  CAN’T GET A DATE!!!!!  And that would be true.

I really don’t enjoy being the only one responsible for helping myself through a crisis.  Car breaks down??  Yup – I have to figure out what to do and how to do it without any help.  How do I know if the mechanic is being honest or not?  I don’t.  I sometimes think I could have a heart attack and fall down the stairs and not have anyone miss me, or wonder why they hadn’t heard from me for at least several days.  I’m pretty sure by then I’d be d-e-a-d dead.

The link below will give you some thoughts to ponder in your own personal situation.  For myself?  I’m giving myself permission to hate being single, to not like being alone most nights.  I wish I shared my life with someone special, and maybe someday I will.  Till then the truth is – I AM SINGLE and I’m going to need to learn to trust the auto mechanic . . .

http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2014/06/03/absolutely-okay-say-hate-single/?lcid=95156&laid=Links#.U5chOBYQ5Qo

Dating after Divorce Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Oct 8

It Ain’t Rocket Science – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

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You’ve heard the ol’ saying that goes something along the lines of:  “Don’t talk the talk if you can’t walk the walk”.

I thought of that when I saw this photo and it’s accompanying sentiment.

How many times have you been frustrated by friends, family or even new acquaintances who just “don’t get it”?

Women going through, or coming out the other side of divorce have a hard time when it comes to having people understand what it’s like.  If you haven’t been there, you really can’t understand.  You may think you can imagine the horror of it all, but please don’t try to act like you get it.  You don’t.

I know you can perceive the pain and the injustice, and we really do appreciate you caring and wanting to help in any way you can.  I know when I’ve learned of a tragedy that someone close to me has experienced, I want to be there for them and ease that pain any way that I can.  I will never, however, claim to know what they’re going through or how they feel unless I’ve shared that same tragedy.

This harkens back to one of my earliest blogs when I went off about well intentioned people who tell you that you’ve just got to “Move On”!  Really?  Move on how?  Even the GPS in my car knows there’s more than one way to get between point A and point B and the time needed and miles driven are different in every scenario.   There are never ending roadblocks on your trip toward recovery that even the GPS can’t get you around.

During your journey when you encounter these people who are trying to help but haven’t seen your path, or walked a mile in your shoes try to be kind back and just thank them.  They’ll feel better, surprisingly you’ll feel better for understanding they’re really trying to help.  But know deep down that there’s really only one person who understands your path – and that’s you.

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Sep 29

Trust?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Trust never used to be an issue for me.  I grew up in an honest family, I had honest friends, I was an honest person myself.  I was insulated – that’s for sure.  The older I get the more I learn that there are many untrustworthy people out there.

They think nothing of a little white lie, and that’s only the beginning.  What about “lying by omission”?  Can you trust a person who chooses not to tell you something?  That’s a gray area for most.  When my ex was living “outside the bonds of marriage”, I had friends that knew what was going on.  They chose not to tell me.  That’s a lie by omission.  Acting like everything was great, life was good, all were happy.  All were NOT happy.

So when it comes time to think about putting yourself out there again, once you’re past the initial stages of healing from your divorce, how easy do you think it’ll be for you to trust once again?  I trusted too quickly and had my heart stepped all over by a man I cared about.  Each time that happens I will be more inclined to not trust, to protect myself – but that’s just me.

Below is one of many articles about dating and trusting once again.  Maybe it will provoke some thoughts that you need to consider because none of us ever again want to go through what we’ve already been through.  As always I welcome your thoughts!

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/learning-how-to-trust-again/#.U3EnLtZlyEU.email%5B/

Dating after Divorce Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Sep 22

To “Lift” Or Not To “Lift”?

by suddenlysinglewomen

As we age, our skin shows it.    This is NOT a gender issue, but a human issue.  The skin just “ain’t what it used to be”!  The elasticity is gone, collagen isn’t produced like before and things sag.  UGH!!

If you add on top of that the society we live in is constantly telling us we should be thin, and wrinkle free – no matter our age, you want to hide indoors.

Then if heap on top of that the dating game where (sorry dudes) the men are looking at and for those younger women to squire around, it’s no wonder we look tired and old.   We ARE tired and old, LOL!!  OK – so maybe age is a matter of mind but your mirror is not your friend.

Entering my 50’s I remember how clearly my “then” husband felt about plastic surgery.  He always said he would do it if it made him feel and look better.   For my 50th birthday I seriously considered that’s what I should do; I knew he looked at me as “aging” and needing some artificial help in looking better.

Instead he divorced me and just married a “younger” person – problem solved.

Now as I sit here at 61, and see all the plastic around me, it’s easy to wonder the “what if” I had done it at 50?  Or wonder about the “what if” I do it in my 60’s?  Whatever happens, it’s nice to  know you’re not alone in wondering if trying to seek a younger version of yourself – to match the younger self your mind tells you that you still are – is worth it or not.

No judgement from my corner either way, but I did enjoy reading this brief article about another’s feelings.  We’re not alone in at least “wondering”!

 

https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/my-aging-face-97643202288.html

Dating after Divorce Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Sep 16

Is “One” The Loneliest Number?

by suddenlysinglewomen

http://houston.culturemap.com/news/restaurants-bars/09-15-14-dining-solo-at-houstons-top-restaurants-a-party-of-one-is-no-shame-in-this-foodie-city/?utm_source=dailydigest&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=cmpgn-2014-9-16

Sometimes the words to that old song ring true for all of us.  I’ve never been one very comfortable in going to a restaurant by myself to eat a meal.  I always felt that sitting at the bar alone was like hanging a sign around my neck that says “Can’t Get A Date”!!

You’ve heard of “dog shaming”?  Well this feels like “single woman shaming”.

However, after reading this article today, maybe I”ll try it again.  Maybe the times have become more relaxed?  Maybe since the divorce rate is SO high that there are SO many more of us that it’s become the new norm?

Guess I better charge up the Kindle and download some interesting stories and start being more brave.  After all, a girl’s gotta eat, right?  Or maybe I just need to let you all know where I’m eating and we can all fill that community table?  : -)

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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