suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Jan 24

Lesson #14

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Life is too short for long pity parties.  Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

Well . . . tell me how you REALLY feel!

I see this a lot when I’m together with a group of divorced, single women.  To be fair, I think we all have days like this whether we’re single and alone, or with a significant other and in a relationship.  Everyone has bad days and since we do, there is the occasional pity party.  That’s normal.

What is not normal is if it continues on to be the focus of your every day.  We all have friends like this, the world is always sour to them.  They get started on the “woe is me, poor me”  and you want to throw your hands up and say stop!!  (Or at least leave the room)

People like this can suck the oxygen out of the room; they are a total buzz kill. My guess is 9 times outta 10, they don’t even realize it, so mired in self pity they are.

Can you help them?  Maybe.  The one thing you can do for sure is make sure you’re not one of them.  You reach a time when you can tell that your friends and family just don’t want to hear about it anymore.  That’s a sign that they’ve moved on and they are thinking so should you.

You may not be ready to move on, but seeking a different outlet might be the best course of action.  Perhaps it’s time to seek professional help?  Look around you and find the positives and convince yourself to celebrate those – now that’s a party we’d all like to attend.

Dating after Divorce Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jan 23

Lesson # 13

by suddenlysinglewomen

“If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it”.

It sounds so obvious, but when you think you’re “in love” – it’s amazing what you’ll put up with.

The first time this happened to me, it took me a while before I realized it.   I was in college and dating a guy I’d met through a sorority sister of mine.  The first time we “went out”, wasn’t really a date – he was helping me out by being an escort to an event I wanted to attend.  We got along, had fun, and actually started “dating” after that.

Over the course of our dating relationship, it became clear to me that when it came to certain facets of his “social standing”, I wasn’t included or introduced correctly.  Example:  he was being courted/nominated for a membership in an exclusive all male social club in his hometown.  Two things happened that should have been a warning to me.

  1.  The first time he introduced me around, he mistakenly referred to my sorority affiliation.  I realized later that my sorority was not considered one of the top “8” on campus and he was embarrassed.
  2. During the “courting” process for this club, he proposed to me and we became engaged.  However since this was the “Bachelor’s Club” of a large city in Texas and responsible for putting on a Deb Ball, he kept our engagement a secret since that would prevent him from being asked to be a member.  Clearly I was not a priority.

I was young, naive and thought I was in love, I allowed it to happen.  I can’t even blame it on low self esteem, I just bought into it for “his” sake.  As we mature, we get smarter, right?

Not so much.

Several years after my divorce, I  began a relationship with a man I’d known for years through a non-profit we sat on the Board of.  I’ve spoken of him on this site before.  I thought he was amazing; I thought I was in love.  It took me quite a while to realize he was NOT introducing me to his friends or his family, even though he had met mine.  He never took me around his work, his church, his club.  He never included me on his trips to the family ranch, or invited me along to share his “sports” or recreational activities.  You convince yourself that he doesn’t want to share his time alone with you with anyone.

You should be convincing yourself that you’re a “secret” because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s IN a relationship.  You see, if he’s perceived as being “IN” a relationship, all those other “opportunities” to meet other women will dry up.  Heaven forbid he misses the next greener pasture.

Cynical?  Yes.  We should give ourselves credit enough to realize we ARE valuable and “worth” being introduced, and taken out in public.  We should never be a secret.  It makes me feel like “the other woman”, kept in the shadows.

I am no one’s secret.

 

Dating after Divorce Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jan 22

Lesson #12

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Don’t compare your life to other’s.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.”

This one is tough for me, because the interpretation can be so many different things.

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning if you think your’s is so much worse, you have no idea what they’re really going through?

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning if you think your’s is so much better, you might have misjudged just how happy they really are?

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning that no two life’s experiences and journeys are alike?

I feel like it’s mostly the first one, but could be any of them.

I once had a friend say in a group that “If you sit around a circle and everyone throws their problems in the middle, after looking at what everyone else is going through, you will more than likely pick yours right back up.”

I will be truthful and admit that at certain times I have been “envious” of others and wished my life to be more like theirs.  However, when we delve behind the scenes, their perfect lives are rarely what we think they are.

My 2016 quest has begun by acknowledging that I am content with who I am, proud of my accomplishments and challenged to learn even more about who I am and what I can be “when I grow up”!   My journey is mine alone, I’m learning what it is all about, and I’m so glad you’re along with me.

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jan 21

Lesson #11

by suddenlysinglewomen

“It’s OK to let children see you cry.”

Wow, I really lucked out on this one – if you can call it that.  My sons were 26 and 23 when their father’s adultery came to light (in their eyes, I and my friends had known about it for 4+ years).  I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through when you have young kids and they learn of a parent’s betrayal.

Seems to me this life lesson wants to humanize the drama and trauma of just being human.  Humans cry when hurt – both physically and emotionally.

When my adult sons saw/heard me cry, it was not so much from the hurt, as from the sheer frustration of the divorce process itself.  Sons do NOT like to see/hear their Mom’s cry – that much became clear.  I did my best to keep it inside – but sometimes, it just burst forth.

I understand that they don’t want to see the other parent as a cad, a mean person, totally lacking in empathy and decency.  It’s one of the main reasons I never told them while the first two affairs were going on;  I tried so hard to spare them from the truth.

Today I would handle it differently, and I would let them know what it was doing to me.  Today I would let them see me cry.  The outcome would not be any different, except I probably would have been divorced in my 40’s instead of my 50’s.

Children have a tremendous ability to recover and rise above; you can let them see you cry.  You are, after all, human.

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Jan 20

Lesson #10

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.”

I have to say, this has been written about many times in this blog, although said in different ways and mostly referring to not messing up the future.  However, every day you get up – it’s the present and you have to get through your present day before you take on your future.

Some of these are just brilliant enough to not need a lot of commentary, this is one of them.  It’s simple yet so totally true.

It’s like the earlier life lesson about not holding onto your anger.  The past is the past, it’s in the rearview mirror – be done with it.

Learn from it, embrace the mistakes made and the lessons learned.  Release the hold over your heart that the past has, and enjoy a new peace in 2016!  Can I hear an “Amen”?

Divorce Recovery Divorce Settlements Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Passive Agressive Behavior Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jan 19

Lesson #9

by suddenlysinglewomen

“When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.”

Need I say more??

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Jan 17

Lesson #7

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Cry with someone.  It’s more healing than crying alone.”

I think back to the day I confirmed my worst nightmare, my husband was having an extramarital affair . . . with a friend.

I still have the tightness in my chest when I remember that day, and it’s been since Memorial Day Weekend, 2002.  At the time my two closest friends lived a block from each other.  I drove over to one of their houses, the other friend drove over.  The three of us hugged and cried and tried to understand what in the world was going on, and what I was going to do.

Empathy, compassion, anger, shock, and oh so many tears – thank goodness I had those women to cry with.  I can’t imagine what I would have done if I’d had to deal with this alone.  It was a while before those angry tears became healing tears.

No matter what the crisis is that blind sides you, don’t try to carry the burden by yourself.  Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a therapist, a member of the clergy, what matters is when you share, you realize that you’re not alone.

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Jan 16

Lesson #6

by suddenlysinglewomen

“You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.”

Boy was THAT what I was married to for 30 years.

I am not a fighter, I back away from fights.  I don’t start them, and I don’t like to be pulled into them – which mostly makes the person fighting with you try even harder.

I don’t like arguments because . . . really?  Who wins?  Give me a sports event, and yes, there is eventually a winner and therefore, a loser.  But in my opinion, in any kind of an argument, you rarely change the other person’s opinion or point of view, so probably you don’t really win, the other person just quits, gives up (or gives in).

How civilized, to agree to disagree.  The old saying “there’s two sides to every coin” can go along way here.

So the next time someone tries to draw you into a fruitless argument, just thank them for their opinion, and agree to disagree.

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Jan 14

Lesson #4

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.”

Ain’t it the truth?

Haven’t we all had occasions that we found out that things we’ve done, goals we’ve accomplished, comments we’ve made – are only really that important to us?

Do you ever get the feeling that people sometimes just wanna tell you BFD?

There are times when I sit down to write this blog and I wonder if anything I say here really matters to anyone other than myself.  If this were “public speaking”, I could gauge the audience, and/or you could just walk out.

Here I have no idea whether you think I’m crazy or not.

I am coming very close to finalizing a “book deal” though, and that is a marketable, measurable tool.  Till then, I’ll “seriously” hope that this 45 day quest we’re on together does help you/me have a better and happier 2016!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jan 13

Lesson #3

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Life is too short to waste time hating someone.”

You hear this one all the time, but boy is it hard to accomplish, especially if that someone is an ex husband who really hurt you.

I have a friend from my Divorce Recovery Group who says it this way, “Don’t give him free rent in your brain” – gotta love it!

But this statement can be about anyone whom you feel has wronged you in any way, at any time.  It’s really really hard to let go of that anger at times, especially when you see them move on so easily with their life with a smile on their face and with a much younger woman.  Or you see a friend you were really close to just walk away from your friendship as if you never mattered in the least.  Or you have a family member lie about you, take advantage of you, ignore your relationship.

The experts will tell you that the only person you are hurting with your hatred is yourself.  The other person could care less that you no longer have positive happy thoughts about them – they’re “outta there” – they have moved on without so much as an “oops, sorry, didn’t mean it”.

I can remember the first time I saw the ex with Mrs. ex and my blood turned to ice, my heart started thumping so hard I thought it surely was visible on the outside of my body.  My ears rang and my face flushed.  That was anger welling up in side me and it was all I could do to keep it there.

You soon realize that it doesn’t bother him or anyone else the way it bothers you.  Is the person who did you wrong worth wrecking your health and emotional well being over?  NO!   You need to just “Fuhgeddaboutit” or however they say it in the “Sopranos”.

Don’t waste your time thinking those darks thoughts; don’t waste your time on those hurtful people again.  Don’t give them free rent in your brain – they are SOOOOOOO not worth it.  Dig deep for that smile and start wearing it, you’ll look and feel so much better  (and get way fewer frown wrinkles) when you do.

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Passive Agressive Behavior Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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