suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Lesson # 13

on January 23, 2016

“If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it”.

It sounds so obvious, but when you think you’re “in love” – it’s amazing what you’ll put up with.

The first time this happened to me, it took me a while before I realized it.   I was in college and dating a guy I’d met through a sorority sister of mine.  The first time we “went out”, wasn’t really a date – he was helping me out by being an escort to an event I wanted to attend.  We got along, had fun, and actually started “dating” after that.

Over the course of our dating relationship, it became clear to me that when it came to certain facets of his “social standing”, I wasn’t included or introduced correctly.  Example:  he was being courted/nominated for a membership in an exclusive all male social club in his hometown.  Two things happened that should have been a warning to me.

  1.  The first time he introduced me around, he mistakenly referred to my sorority affiliation.  I realized later that my sorority was not considered one of the top “8” on campus and he was embarrassed.
  2. During the “courting” process for this club, he proposed to me and we became engaged.  However since this was the “Bachelor’s Club” of a large city in Texas and responsible for putting on a Deb Ball, he kept our engagement a secret since that would prevent him from being asked to be a member.  Clearly I was not a priority.

I was young, naive and thought I was in love, I allowed it to happen.  I can’t even blame it on low self esteem, I just bought into it for “his” sake.  As we mature, we get smarter, right?

Not so much.

Several years after my divorce, I  began a relationship with a man I’d known for years through a non-profit we sat on the Board of.  I’ve spoken of him on this site before.  I thought he was amazing; I thought I was in love.  It took me quite a while to realize he was NOT introducing me to his friends or his family, even though he had met mine.  He never took me around his work, his church, his club.  He never included me on his trips to the family ranch, or invited me along to share his “sports” or recreational activities.  You convince yourself that he doesn’t want to share his time alone with you with anyone.

You should be convincing yourself that you’re a “secret” because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s IN a relationship.  You see, if he’s perceived as being “IN” a relationship, all those other “opportunities” to meet other women will dry up.  Heaven forbid he misses the next greener pasture.

Cynical?  Yes.  We should give ourselves credit enough to realize we ARE valuable and “worth” being introduced, and taken out in public.  We should never be a secret.  It makes me feel like “the other woman”, kept in the shadows.

I am no one’s secret.

 

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