suddenlysinglewomen

There are a lot of things I expect in my life.  I expect to wake up every morning.  I expect to walk the dogs since they’ve let me sleep through the night.  I expect that there are bills to be paid, errands to be run, calls and emails to return – you get the picture.  I’m one of those people who does what’s “expected” of me.  I was brought up that way.  I can handle what is expected.

However, how you deal with the “un”expected really shows the world what you are made of.  What do you do when something “un”expected is thrown your direction?  Do you panic?  Do you scream?  Do you deal with it?  Do you have your very own little motivational angel that sits on your shoulder whispering in your ear that you “can do it”?

Life is full of those unexpected challenges sent your way just to test your mettle.  Like it or not, dealing with the unexpected should be an expected part of your life.  Sometimes the unexpected ends up being a good thing, like looking down and finding a quarter laying on the ground in the parking lot, or finding a crumpled five dollar bill in your coat pocket from last winter, or receiving a voice mail from a friend you haven’t seen in years – I could go on.

The unexpected isn’t always a bad thing.  It can be good, and how we rise to the occasion can define us as a person.  Yes, it can also create chaos and knock us off our feet when we don’t see it coming.  I recently read an article in a paper, The Vail Daily, written by a life coach and motivational speaker, Michael Norton.  This is what he said:

   “So go ahead and expect the unexpected, be prepared or unprepared, life is going to come at us whether we want it to or not.  And what will matter and define us is how we choose at that moment to respond to the unexpected happenings in our life, good of bad.”

Being a divorced woman was unexpected.  The possibility of spending the rest of my life as a single woman is beginning to be expected.  Expected or unexpected, I’ve decided to “go with the flow”, “roll with the punches” and “what will be will be”.  As my father used to say, “C’est la vie” – that’s life.

One of the things that has been most comforting to me in this “post” marriage journey has been talking with so many women who have been through similar devastating break-ups.  You’re not alone . . .  It doesn’t even have to be a “marriage” per se, it could be the end of a very serious long term relationship – just as painful without the “piece of paper”.

When we share our stories one thing always jumps out at me.  That is, how many of us think there was something wrong with us to make this happen.  We ask ourselves what did we do wrong?  Why are we so broken that we couldn’t make it work?   One such recent conversation brought my attention to another blog site called Baggagereclaim.com (love you BR!!).  One of the first postings that jumped out at me I have copied the link to below.

We’re NOT broken, just because the relationship/marriage breaks down.  I hope you will check out this particular posting and start to feel better about yourself as a woman who can survive the break up without being broken.

10 Thoughts For The Weekend On… Breakups. Remember – It’s Broken, You’re Not

Seeing divorce as an opportunity for growth?  Surely that must come on the “post” side of divorce because living through divorce is always about the opposite.  It’s like a destruction derby.  The life as you knew it is destroyed.  There is no growth there – if anything the whole thing makes you want to shrivel up inside like a wilting plant that’s had no water, no rays of sun, no fertilizer, no care.

The divorce process for me was long and drawn out and extremely painful both emotionally and physically.  You come out the other side and growth is the last thing on your mind.  You’ve been run over by a freight train and you’re trying to pick up the pieces.  How can you grow?  There were so many steps backwards that involved great frustration and self-doubt.

There is no easy answer for you, wish there was.  Every day is an opportunity for growth so perhaps taking baby steps is the way to achieve it.  Set some achievable goals that can be measured.  I’m not talking about the kind of things you think about for New Year’s Resolutions, but actual tangible, measurable goals that can be achieved.  Be honest with yourself.  Let’s try a little exercise – and this can be for post divorce recovery or any kind of growth you want to achieve.

Pick five areas in your life that you’d like to grow in, or change, or focus on to become happier.  These need to be tangible goals that you can measure.  Write them down, then put them in a safe place (that you’ll remember) or give them to a friend or family member to give to you in 12 months, one year!  You might be surprised.

I did this once as an exercise for an organization that was promoting leadership skills.  They kept them for us and mailed them to us after that 12 month period.  I admit I had forgotten.  When I received the envelope, I knew immediately what it was (after all, I recognized my own handwriting on the self-addressed envelope!).  There is this moment of doubt of thinking, “Did I do it?”  What a pleasant surprise to open it up and go over the five goals I had laid out for myself.  I had achieved them.  I had made a plan, challenged myself and achieved my growth.

Yes, you and I can both grow after our divorce, but only if we start somewhere.  Are you ready to start growing?

Not all divorced women are Mothers.  To those who are, whether it was by giving birth, adoption, step children or mothering those “four-legged” children, Mother’s Day is a day meant for you.  It celebrates all the sacrifices you’ve made, all the love you’ve given.  It’s one of my most favorite of days because it celebrates one of the things in my life that I think I did “the best”!

I have two sons, they are the highlights of my life.  My marriage may have not turned out the way that I hoped and dreamed it would, but those two boys did and then some.  Yup – I did that right.

So as I was walking the dogs on one of the last pleasant weather days before the HOT summer sets in, I was enjoying my “Motherhood” experience.  Thinking about how cute they were as babies, how active they were as toddlers, how sometimes scattered they were in school, how focused they were in college, and how successful they have become as young adults.  Then it dawned on me . . . without the “spouse”, these boys would not have happened.

So for Mother’s Day 2012, I’ll be grateful for the marriage and the husband, because even though he broke my heart, he also gave me the greatest gift possible – my sons. Wishing you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

While researching some thoughts about my blog, it’s become clear how many of us there are out there.  I also have great friends who share things with me when they think it would be useful for the upcoming book or this site.  I will always forward on to you what I think could help you in this survival quest.

Last time I shared another’s blog, I found the way to connect the two.  This time, I don’t seem to be able to make it work.  So here’s what I can try to do to help you find it.  It’s on the blog site of the Huffington Post.  This is what my gal pal sent me:

Lisa Arends: Rewrapping Divorce as a Gift

As my eldest son reminds me on many occasions, Google is your friend.  So if you can google it, I think you would enjoy the read.  As always, thanks for reading mine!!