suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Feb 14

Happy Valentine’s Day – and 2nd Anniversary!

by suddenlysinglewomen

 

 

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Well – I can’t believe my Blog is celebrating it’s 2nd anniversary, the time has flown and hopefully we’ve all grown in our journey to become happier independent women.

Valentine’s Day is hard, because all around you is such a push to commercialization of “love”.  You feel slighted that you don’t have a sweetheart, there are no floral deliveries or mushy cards coming your way.

My college BF proposed on Valentine’s Day 1974, and dumped me on Thanksgiving weekend the same year.  Valentine’s Day 1975 was the first date with the boy who would become my  husband.  As you can see, I’ve not had much luck with the “day”.

I share the above photo because I think the thought rings through for both people who are around you, and your thoughts.  I believe this to be the year that I walk away from those unhealthy people who bring me down.  It is also the year that I attempt to banish the sad thoughts that weigh me down at times like “Valentine’s Day”.

On this year’s Valentine’s Day, I will love myself and celebrate my value to the world.   Join me in my quest, and thank you each and everyone for being with me and supporting me.  Hearts to you!

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Feb 13

Putting It Out There In The Universe – Part “Deux”

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sooooo, where was I?

I’d had my massage, I’d put it out there “in the Universe” all those sterling qualities that I was looking for in the perfect partner (I say tongue in cheek!).

I was sitting at dinner when in walks a group of “age appropriate” males, the two tables start chatting . . .

Two of the men are married, two are not.  Married One #1 is chatting with and sitting next to the single female in their group.  She is the one that originally strikes up the conversation with our group and invites us to slide our chairs on over.  My chair is against the wall facing “out”, and also closest to their table.  From the moment they sit down, Single One #1 takes his seat closest to mine and never really scoots under the table – he faces outward totally willing to engage our table.

They go around the table introducing themselves, sharing where they’re from, that they were frat brothers reuniting for a ski trip and share with us their marital status.  So I’ll set it up for you.  There is Lynn, Single woman.  To her right is Married One #1 – they are friends.  When Single One #1 by me tells us he’s (Married One #1) married, he rolls his eyes and then adds “kind of”.   Hmmmm . . .

To the right of Married One #1 is Single One #2.  He has a place in the mountains where some of them are bunking.  He has that look of “player” about him, that devilish smile that says he’s just fine being in that position of “free”.  To his right is Married One #2.  He’s from Dallas, also has a place in the mountains and has the “deer caught in the headlights” look that says he’s happy to be out with his mates, but not happy to be that close to so many unattached females.

To his right is Single One #1 who is close to me.  He’s tall, owns his own business, in good shape, fun loving and charismatic.  He offers to buy us dessert then shares it with us.  He has a place in Denver and Santa Barbara.  I’m thinking that I owe Alejandra a really large tip next time I go in for a massage because this whole “putting it out there in the Universe” thing is pretty cool.  Look what just landed in my lap?

The whole time Single One #1 is flirting with me, Married One #2 looks like he’s about to implode.  I try to engage him into the conversation with talk of football, snow, work – something to make him more comfortable.  The more Single One #1 talks and flirts, the worse Married One #2 looks.   I’m thinking it’s kind of sweet that he appears so uncomfortable probably worried what the wife would think, yet he’s done nothing wrong.

When their meal comes, it’s time for us to leave.  Being the child of the 50’s that I am, (i.e. not comfortable being forward with men) I hand my contact info/card to Lynn, the single female because I’m just not quite brave enough to hand it to Single One #1 even though he’s made it pretty clear he’s interested.  If he wants the info bad enough, he’ll find me, right??  My friends and I leave the restaurant and I’m thinking 2014 WILL be my year.

Two days later I get a panic massage from one of the girls that had been with me at dinner.  Lynn, Single female from dinner, had just found out from Married One #1 that Single One #1 is NOT SINGLE.  Yup, bet you saw that coming didn’t you??  She was worried that he would reach out to me and that I wouldn’t know the truth.  She was protecting me.  All I can think is no WONDER Married One #2 was looking so sick to his stomach the other night.  He wasn’t worried about his wife, he knew that his friend was lying.

I went from about 100 degrees of High to 0 degrees of low in all of 3 seconds.  I’d put it out there in the Universe and this is what happens??  I wonder if this is what MY ex did to meet and hook up with women?  Did he tell them he was single?   Did his friends look smug or did they look uncomfortable?  Doesn’t matter now of course but I saw first hand just how easy it is for these men to troll – if they want to.

The year is young, and I’ll continue to “put it out there” but it was a good lesson for me to learn early on.  We have to look out for each other, it’s a much different Universe these days.

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Feb 7

Putting It Out There In The Universe – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

My favorite workout instructor is also my favorite masseuse.  She’s from Argentina – very Latina – and so fun to be around.  Yes, she kicks our butts in workout, but you don’t seem to mind.  She’s a positive, upbeat and inspiring woman.  When you get on her table for your massage, it’s life altering.  That also makes appointments with her very hard to score.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend had to cancel his 90 minute massage due to the flu.  I jumped on the chance to be a “fill in” for his allotted time.  After arriving and preparation, I thought we’d get down to the business of soothing my aching muscles – that was only partly true.  Alejandra decided that we needed to talk about my “singleness” and what I was doing about it.  Hmmppfffff!!!    As if it’s that easy?

She proceeded to instruct me on how to “put things out there in the Universe” and questioned me on what I was looking for in a man.  I figured it couldn’t hurt so I began to site traits that I thought were important for my life partner.  Now admittedly the older I get, the more certain I become that there are some things out there you might hope for that are just not going to happen.  However, remember, I’m a dreamer so why not put it out there – just in case?   She believes you have to “say it out loud” for it to happen.

It wasn’t but a few days later while out to dinner with some girlfriends that a group of four men and one woman were seated next to us in the restaurant.  We were almost done with our meal, they were just starting.  One thing leads to another and we begin talking between the tables.  Eventually we scoot our chairs over to join in the group.  The men are old college buddies visiting for a ski trip, the woman is a single friend of one of them who is joining them for dinner.  Of the four men, two say they are married, two say they are single but none seem to be involved with the single woman, just friends.  Information is exchanged and for the first time in several years I begin to think maybe Alejandra is right that things happen when you say them out loud!

My next installment will continue with what happened next but until then, I’ll share a post with you that one of my staunchest supporters shared with me.   Thank you Diva J – I hope my readers who are “looking” will take heart.  See below and happy “dreaming” of what could be . . .

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bj-gallagher/is-love-possible-late-in_b_454478.html

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Jan 31

Eyes Wide Open –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Do you watch “The Voice”?  I stumbled upon it at the beginning of it’s second season and I’ve been hooked ever since.  I never watched “Idol” or “America’s Got Talent” but something about the combination and chemistry of the judges on this show just speaks to me.  I have a fairly strong musical background and have always had the “suppressed” desire to sing in a microphone.  That doesn’t count the singing and dancing that I sometimes do around my house, much to my dog’s chagrin!

For some reason, last Fall I had so much going on that I got way behind in watching the fifth installment of “The Voice” and I am just now catching up.  I have to brag – I did pick the winners of Season’s Two through Four, and not just because I’m a big Blake Shelton fan – but just because I loved the artists.  So . . . back to the DVR and Season Five!

During one of the Knockout Rounds, Judge Ceelo Green is commenting on a particular artist’s performance.  He said that her singing made him “dream with my eyes open”.   I do that all the time, mostly when I probably should be accomplishing something else – something concrete.  Whether or not you daydream, or dream to sounds of music, or dream of inserting yourself into a good novel you’re reading, or when you are spaced out on the couch, I believe dreaming is a vital part of our daily lives.

Dreaming fosters hope, dreaming with your eyes open lets you envision the possibilities that lay ahead of you and keeps you in the present and moving into the future – not looking backward.   The past shapes us, of that I have no doubt.  But the ability to move forward and make positive things happen in your life is enhanced when you let yourself have a dream – eyes open.

As I write this, I gaze out my window at beautiful snow on the ground and wonder where my dreams will take me?   I’m no longer afraid to dream BIG.  Big dreams cannot hurt you, and they may not always happen as you hope or expect, but they surely might get you moving in the right direction.

So open your eyes and dream . . .

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Jan 22

Memories – Holding On To The Positives Of The Past

by suddenlysinglewomen

I don’t know about you, but I’m really loving the Downton Abbey series on PBS, also known as Masterpiece Classic (as I found out when attempting to set a DVR to record!).  We here in the States just started Season Four.

Whether or not you have a fascination with the past, it is fun for me to see how it was to live in “another time.”   And admitting to it, yes, I like many others have a curiosity about that “upper crust” lifestyle and how semi-royalty wiled away their days and evenings.  For those of you watching, you’ll know Carson, who “runs” the household behind the scenes for the family of the manor.  A rather stoic fellow, who shows very little feeling or heart on most days.

We found out recently that as a younger man, he had a “love interest” who had broken his heart when she picked his best friend over himself.   One assumes he’s never loved again.  Last night one of his staff members surprises him with a gift, a framed photo of his lost love.  She suggests he display it on his desk so the whole staff will see a softer side to Carson.  His next comment had me running for a pen and paper – to share here.

Carson says, “The business of life is the acquisition of memories, in the end that’s all there is.”  It got my attention because as someone who sometimes wastes too much time “reliving the past” in my mind I am full of memories both good and bad.  While I may try very hard to forget the bad memories, and only think about the happy memories, in “the end” – that IS all we have.

Our lives are always going to be a full combination of the sum of those memories, both happy and sad and the key I suppose is knowing how to go forward with those same memories?  Trying not to be bogged down with the unhappy ones – a challenge to be sure.  However we can all try to be happy with the positive ones and living with the hope that on balance, there will be more of those in our future.

Here’s to many more happy ones for all of us in 2014.

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Jan 7

Negative Thoughts, We All Have Them – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts

Negative thoughts, how they seep into your consciousness and never let go.  Happens to me all the time and I hate it.  It’s like my mind is trying to run away from them and they keep following.

Kinda like when my very large dog (therefore a large collar and tags ring) leans over the pulled out bottom tray of the dishwasher, stacked full of heavy dishes, sniffs those dishes then backs up quickly when I fuss at him.  Of course his collar’s tag ring has now hooked on that lower tray, and as he backs up it follows him.  His response to the frightening thing following him????  Of course the response is to back away even faster – not realizing of course that he’s hooked to it and it’s GOING to follow him.  Chaos and flying dishes everywhere.

I’ve wondered for years how you get those negative thoughts to quit following you like they are hooked to your brain.  Everywhere you go, they go.  The faster I try to escape them, the faster they follow me – in my head, swirling around in that fog that is my brain.  Like the dog pulling away and the dishes flying and breaking he doesn’t understand that if he would just STOP, and chill – I could unhook him and stop the carnage.  But how do we stop – and chill?

Some chill with medications, as the author said in the above link – he tried it then decided to go a different direction.  I’ve also tried the anti-anxiety med route, but it’s a mask and your situation hasn’t changed – it’s just been dulled.  Many chill with alcohol – again, just a bandaid that eventually is going to pull off and you’re still faced with the same issues, they don’t disappear with a good (or bad) bottle of wine.  People will compensate for the pain by over working, working their bodies to exhaustion, anything but coming to terms with the negative.

I hope and pray that in the New Year, we can find a way to let GO of those negative and fearful thoughts.  Not by masking them but by finding a way to let them go.  Like a winter snow melts away in the warmth and sunshine of a new spring, may we all find a way to let the negativity in our minds and in our hearts release it’s hold on us . . . and just melt away.

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Jan 1

2013 In Review – – – Here’s To More Readers In 2014!! Share!!

by suddenlysinglewomen

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for my blog.  I’m sharing because it was so interesting seeing that it’s being followed not only around the U.S. but also in other countries!  I can’t thank you all enough for following, commenting, and sharing with me our journey to better days!!  Wishing you all the best in 2014 and many smiles in our futures . . .

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 610 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 10 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Dec 23

Surviving The Holidays After Divorce – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

http://houston.culturemap.com/news/city_life/12-19-13-how-to-survive-the-holidays-as-a-divorced-parent-5-tips-that-will-help-remove-the-bitter/

Well – we are officially in the “week of” and no matter the makeup of your family, it’s a stressful time.  In the best of family relationships, this week is tough trying to negotiate all the ins and outs of being with loved ones in concentrated doses.

For me – I don’t “do” Christmas at my home if I don’t have my kids around.  Yes, they are adults, but they’re still MY kids.  They do not now, nor will they EVER belong to “her”.  Yet for the sake of fairness, I have to understand that there will be times that I won’t have them under my roof when I awaken on Christmas morning.

The first Christmas post divorce they all were with me.  The second one was my Mother’s 90th birthday so I took she and my brother on a cruise.  It was bizarre.  It was the first Christmas in 28 years that I had not had an offspring with me.  I didn’t like it.  It was the sign of things to come however.  I’ve had to become creative to be someplace else when they’re not going to be with me.

There are many reasons that parents will be separated from their children this year – distance too far to travel, money too tight to get there, children fighting overseas, children who have lost their lives, children who have been abducted or run away – all devastating reasons and certainly a harsher reality than mine.  But in my heart of hearts, even though there are worse reasons many are dealing with, it still hurts to not have them around.

I hope you find a way to have a Merry Merry Christmas this year no matter where you are, who you are or are not with, and find a peacefulness in the “reason for the season”.  For me I’ll be celebrating my Mother’s 95th birthday away from home, but surrounded by love and putting on a “happy face” for when the kids do come – the day “after” . . .

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Dec 14

HO HO HO! ‘Tis The Season To Be . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

. . . Jolly????

I have two more friends that will be spending their first Christmas as a newly “single” person this year.  I feel for how they are going to feel.  I still remember what that was like 6 years ago.  Even though I have adult children, there is this pressure on them to split up “fairly” the time spent with each parent for the holidays.  And now that “he” has a “wife” in the picture, even she thinks she should get to “have” the boys?

I understand – kind of.  After all, I raised them to be fair minded, and this shows an amazing amount of thought on their part on how to keep things balanced.  I, on the other hand, have to wonder why someone who willingly had adulterous affairs, willingly walked out on all of us knowing there would be/should be consequences – gets to have equal time?  Don’t you forego any equal rights when you walk out?

It’s a conundrum, and one that really slaps you in the face at this time of the year.  I have a soon to be 95 year old Mother who will be with me this year since my sons will be with “him”, but how much longer will that last?  Eventually there is going to be a Christmas morning that I have to wake up in a house all by myself with no one to give a Christmas morning greeting to.

I was lunching with girlfriends the other day when the talk naturally turned to the hustle and bustle of this time of the year, and the tasks yet to be completed.  Our gift giving has become quality vs quantity and ability to take “home” in a suitcase vs having to ship.  The one thing that slips through everybody’s mind however is the Christmas stocking.

I always did the stockings, for the spouse, for the boys, for the grandparents (and yes even the dogs!) and the spouse one – mine.  Since the divorce, no one has thought about the fact that no one does Mom’s stocking anymore.  It hangs like a limp noodle year after year.  Since I also used to do all the shopping and wrapping – even for the grandparents – I knew what everyone was getting, including myself since my parents were elderly and unable to get out to purchase.  My stocking was always the one “surprise” that I didn’t have to take care of.

A few years back I finally asked the youngest son to take over the shopping for my Mother to “me”.   This way I’d at least have some surprise.   Now at her age, she doesn’t need anything so this year we have dispensed with exchanging.  Sigh!!

So once again my Christmas stocking will hang empty, and the reminder of what being “alone” at this time of the year comes home to roost.

Please don’t think I don’t acknowledge the “reason for the season” as I do, and it’s that same faith that will get me through the down times again this year.   Just trying to remember what it felt like when someone used to care about filling my stocking . . .

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Nov 27

Giving Thanks Tomorrow? Me Too . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

Happy Thanksgiving to all my followers and web searchers!  At this time of the year, I’m reminded that I have many blessings and many things and people and situations to give thanks for.

Though I’ll run out of letters before I can cover them all, here are a few of my thoughts!

T  –  is for the thanks I give for the most wonderful attorney in the world, during the YOTD!  Love you WB!

H  –  is for the happiness I feel every day to no longer live with someone who always criticized everything.

A  –  is for applauding all those women out there making new starts and showing that they’re strong.

N  –  is for never having to try to change myself just to make someone else love me more, doesn’t work.

K  –  is for kicking myself into gear to move through and past the YOTD into a more fulfilling life.

S  –  is for simply beginning to enjoy my own company, understanding that it’s OK to be on my own.

G  –  is for the guts it took to stand up for my rights, and my self during the process of divorce.

I  –  is for interesting things I learned “after” the YOTD and putting all into perspective.

V  –  is for the victory of finding out that winning isn’t everything, it’s how you play the game that counts.

I  –  is for the integrity that I showed my sons that they as men can and should live by.

N  –  is for not losing hope that there is a reason for this journey and it will one day be made clear.

G  –  is for GREAT friends and family who stuck with me, no matter the pressure.

Sending out blessings to you and yours for the holiday season coming!

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