suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Mar 11

Match.com vs. Netflix.com

by suddenlysinglewomen

This past Sunday I was with a group of 8 fun ladies, most of us having met through our “Divorce Recovery” support group.  Not having a man thankfully no longer slows us down, or keeps us at home.  We attended an amazing art exhibit at the Museum and then settled in for dinner afterward.  Of course, the subject comes up – dating and men!

As previously noted, I have once again tried the “online” dating websites and was regaling the ladies of this past week’s “meets and greets”.  More on that in another post – sigh – I could do a stand up comedy routine on the exploits of my dating life . . . when did meeting at a restaurant at 7:00 stop implying a meal???

One of my blog “followers” (love you M.E.!) suggests that choosing to date these days could boil down to a priority choice . . . match.com or netflix.com.    She was opting for Netflix.  After my last week’s experiences, I’m tending to think the same.  I once had a man I was seeing tell me that dating hadn’t changed since we’d done it in our 20’s.  REALLY????  I beg to differ.

Out of the four M&G’s I had last week, three had never been married, the other one had been divorced almost 20 years.   I am here to tell you that dating HAS changed, and at this age, it’s both intimidating, exhausting and mostly demoralizing.  There are 3 or 4 of us for every available 1 of them.  They’re a valuable commodity and they know it.  One friend told me she had to go through a lot of loser’s before she found a nice one – I don’t know that I have the strength?

They prepare to meet you by swinging by the house and changing shirts, maybe!  We mostly prepare with a shower, change of ensembles, look in the mirror, change again, do our hair, apply new makeup, look in the mirror again, throw on the Spanx, feed the dog, check the DVR, leave a note where we’re going should we never come back and the police need a starting point in their search, call a GF on the way for morale support, tell HER where you’re going should you never come back, then arrive early so we can be seated when they show up vs. walking in and having to scan the room for a man who looks older than his posted pic all the while telegraphing to anyone else in the restaurant/bar that you’re on a “blind” date (if you can even call it a date?).  Am I right?

My moods toward dating swing high and low, back and forth and I can feel Netflix starting to edge out the competition.  Since my latest dating profiles are now about a month old, the winks and flirts and “yes’s” have started to dry up – I’m no longer the new girl on the block and the offers to meet have mostly stopped.

Yes, dating IS different, we no longer have our High School BFF to do her due diligence on the boy you have a crush on who then avoids you in the hallways if he’s not interested.  You’re bruised but you move on.  Nowadays we’re out there on our own, no one to run interference, dealing with men who troll the websites, message you then disappear, or worse, offer to meet you at a restaurant at 7:00 and offer to get you a glass of ice water . . .

Yup – Netflix is looking pretty durn good for this weekend.

 

Dating after Divorce Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Nov 27

Giving Thanks Tomorrow? Me Too . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

Happy Thanksgiving to all my followers and web searchers!  At this time of the year, I’m reminded that I have many blessings and many things and people and situations to give thanks for.

Though I’ll run out of letters before I can cover them all, here are a few of my thoughts!

T  –  is for the thanks I give for the most wonderful attorney in the world, during the YOTD!  Love you WB!

H  –  is for the happiness I feel every day to no longer live with someone who always criticized everything.

A  –  is for applauding all those women out there making new starts and showing that they’re strong.

N  –  is for never having to try to change myself just to make someone else love me more, doesn’t work.

K  –  is for kicking myself into gear to move through and past the YOTD into a more fulfilling life.

S  –  is for simply beginning to enjoy my own company, understanding that it’s OK to be on my own.

G  –  is for the guts it took to stand up for my rights, and my self during the process of divorce.

I  –  is for interesting things I learned “after” the YOTD and putting all into perspective.

V  –  is for the victory of finding out that winning isn’t everything, it’s how you play the game that counts.

I  –  is for the integrity that I showed my sons that they as men can and should live by.

N  –  is for not losing hope that there is a reason for this journey and it will one day be made clear.

G  –  is for GREAT friends and family who stuck with me, no matter the pressure.

Sending out blessings to you and yours for the holiday season coming!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Nov 4

Friends Who Are Married? OR Married Friends?

by suddenlysinglewomen

In Chapter Four of “With Or Without A Man” there’s a brief mention of “Married Friends” quoting:

   “I have a number of married friends.  Sometimes I get together with them, just as a couple, and sometimes I bring my married and single friends together.  It all depends on the activity, what we’re going to be doing.

The old adage “Two’s company, three’s a crowd,” or the phrase “the fifth wheel,” are relics of the past.  Many single women have found friendships with couples to be rewarding.”

Well – she’s a lucky girl!

I don’t know about you, all situations are different but I have found just the opposite.  I have many friends who are married, but when it comes to doing things with them as a “couple”?  Doesn’t happen.  Of course there are a precious few married couples from my “past” married life who I still see, but they are totally made up of couples where the wives’ were my friends first for many many years.

As to going out with them?  Not so much.  During the YOTD (Year of the Divorce), most of the couples that I considered really close friends fled from the chaos.  At a time when just an invite to meet them at the club or a restaurant for a quick bite would have meant SO much to me – they disappeared.  Perhaps they didn’t want to be seen as “taking sides?”    Was I wrong to be so hurt and so let down?  I’ve learned through the years that it’s a big mistake to assume that people will treat you the way that you would treat them in a similar situation.

Before my YOTD, I’d only had a couple of friends go through divorce.  However, I made a real effort to involve them in the things that we as couples had always done.  I made sure they didn’t sit home alone for dinner on their birthdays.  I checked in with them to see how they were doing and if there was anything I could do to help them through a painful time.

Have you had continued relationships with your “married friends” as couples or do you find it awkward to be the fifth person at a table for four?   Married couples hang out with married couples, you become the inconvenient friend.   Six years after the divorce I still miss the camaraderie I had with some of those couples but I’m learning to move on and let them go.

And to those couples who DO NOT mind hanging out with me??  Thank you from the bottom of my lonely heart.  You’ve earned a special place in that heart and you inspire me to keep moving forward.  I shall continue to “press on”!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Jul 15

Validation – – – We All Need It!

by suddenlysinglewomen

Validation – I hadn’t thought about it much until this past week.  I remembered the lines from the movie, “The Help” where the maid/housekeeper/nanny is telling her charge, a young little girl to always remember:  “You is pretty, you is smart . . .”     The maid knew that facing the world as a young woman this little girl would need to always remember that she is special.  She was teaching her how to validate herself and her worth.

How often are we given validation?  Not nearly enough, especially if you are in, or have been in a troubled relationship.

This past week I had the great fun of having a GF visit me while on vacation.  We’ve known each other for years, but haven’t always lived in the same city, or shared very many times together just she and I.  Our “ex” husbands worked for the same firm at first, that’s how we met.  In her husband’s career they moved around, we did not.  There were always Christmas cards, graduation announcements, wedding invitations to help keep in touch.  Only recently though did we actually start spending real time together.

I got divorced first, she a couple of years after me.  Same reason – adultery.  I can remember calling her when I heard the news to offer my help and support having already been through it, and knowing what she was getting ready to face.  In the past few years we’ve started seeing each other more often, even though we still reside in different cities.

So back to the validation part of this message.  She and I have a shared past, a history and she more than just about anyone understands what I feel, and the reason why.   We have so many things in common that explanations of how we feel are not necessary.  She GETS IT!!  She validates me.

Do you have someone in your life that can offer that to you?  I hope so.  I can’t tell you how great I feel after this week of spending time together and sharing stories about our kids, our futures, our pasts . . .  There was no pressure to be someone I’m not, no guilt placed on me for my past hurt feelings or heartbreaks.  She helps me to know “I am pretty, I am smart . . .”   Thank you CW, I’m going to be OK!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Jun 26

The Power of Girlfriends – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

I think sometimes as “single” women, we think too much or focus too heavily on NOT having a man in our lives.  We look around at all the “couples” and wonder why our marriage didn’t last?  How are we suddenly supposed to operate as a single person in a world full of duo’s?

I’ve just returned from an amazing trip to celebrate an amazing birthday.  Okay – – – I admit it – – – it might have had a “zero” in the birthday year!  The first part of the trip was spent with the GF’s!  The girlfriends had been warned over two years ago to start planning on traveling with me for this very special day and they did not let me down.

9 of us!  There’s a saying, “like herding cats” – it fits, LOL!!  We are about as diverse as it can be yet the one theme that runs through the heart of this group is the appreciation for having girlfriends.  We have different backgrounds, different goals in life.  Our ages span about ten years with me being right in the middle.  Some are married, some divorced, some with significant others.

Half are working, most have children approaching if not already in adulthood and a couple are already grandmothers.  They come from diverse backgrounds but the appreciation of the need for GF’s is strong amongst us all.  So don’t let yourself get too caught up in the search for the perfect man.  Firstly – they don’t exist so you’ll be very disappointed.  But more importantly, look around you at those women who have stayed in your life even if you are the inconvenient “single” friend and cherish your moments together.

Reach out to your GF’s today, let them know how important they are in your life.  Thank them for being there for you.  Whether you just have one or many, they are your strength and your compass.  I can’t imagine my life without them, I hope I never have to.  Love you girls – thanks for the memories!!!

 

 

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce

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Jun 6

Life Is An Adventure!!

by suddenlysinglewomen

Well – it’s finally here.  My big Greek adventure that I’ve been planning for three years!!  First half is a girl’s trip, there will be 9 of us!  The Greeks should be VERY VERY afraid, LOL!!!  The islands may  never be the same.  I’ll be spending time with my closest pals all of whom I’ve known for 25-30 years.  I can safely say that these relationships have lasted longer, and have been more loving than most of my “married” years.  Girlfriends just “get it”!  I can’t think of anyone better to celebrate my “zero” birthday with.

Then the next week my eldest and his GF are joining me.  Younger son and wife bagged the trip because of the baby, etc.  Totally disappointed as I rarely get both boys together in the same place but wha’cha gonna do?  They’re adults now and make their own decisions regardless of what might be important to Mom.  We will have a wonderful time anyway and make our own special memories.

So – – – I won’t be posting for a while, but don’t forget about me because I certainly won’t forget about you.  Your support, following the blog and your occasional comments have made it so worth it.  I feel your love through cyber space and am grateful beyond words.   Keep growing stronger, keep loving yourselves and march forward in your lives.  The fog is lifting and the sun is bright!

Divorce Recovery Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Nov 15

Keeping Ourselves Healthy AND Happy – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen
Many times I get forwarded things from friends that just strike a chord and resonate with me.  Whether or not the below is an actual fact and was presented in a University class is irrelevant to me.  What matters most is the message, and nothing could be more true than the importance of GF’s!!  So enjoy and take time to think of all the wonderful women who have made a difference in your life.  Wishing you all great happiness and health today!
Female Relationships

They Teach It at Stanford


In an evening class at Stanford the last lecture was on the mind-body connection – the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.

Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences.

Physically this quality “girlfriend time” helps us to create more serotonin – a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings? Rarely.

Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters/mothers, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.


There’s a tendency to think that when we are “exercising” we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged, not true.

In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health!
We are indeed very, very lucky. Sooooo, let’s toast to our friendship with our girlfriends. Evidently it’s very good for our health.

Forward this to all your girlfriends and stay in touch!

Thanks to all the girls/ ladies in my life who have helped me stay healthy, happy, and feeling very loved.

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jul 1

When Your “Friend” Foundation Shifts – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

During the divorce process, heck – even way before when things were so tense in my marriage due to the adulteries and the lies and deceptions, there were friends I knew would always be there for me.  They were the “real deal”.  They were my “Friend Foundation” – my rocks.  So when the divorce was done, and I was trying to put the pieces of my life back together, it was to those friends that I turned.  Natural, right?

Not so fast.  Several weeks ago I received an email from one of those “real deal” friends who DID stick around.  She had seen this on a blog site and thought it sounded like my personal circumstance.   I’ve copied it below.  Read it and see if it strikes a chord in you like it did in me:

     It was only weeks into my divorce when an IM popped up from a friend on my computer screen. I’d finally written        as openly as I could on my blog about what was happening—why I’d moved into my parents’house with my child, removed my husband’s name from Facebook, why I was no longer wearing a wedding ring. My friend’s words popped up on my screen.

“I’m not sure what happened,” she wrote. “But I want you to know I am on your ninja squad.”

Ninja squad? I hadn’t even realized I needed that. But I needed that. What I found was my circle of support was shifting quickly. People I believed were my rocks were questioning me, slipping away. Others surprised me by stepping in closer. Seeing the circle around me as ninjas—stealthy, smart, skilled, in sync—helped me to decide who I wanted to be at the ready when I was sparring or when I was silent.

I love the way she puts it, her Ninja Squad!  I thought I had a large Ninja Squad.  Turns out I didn’t.  For whatever reason, there are going to be many people who disappoint you when you go through a divorce.  Friends and family members who you thought would always be your “go to” people, will drift away and will no longer be a part of your inner circle.  You become inconvenient and their easiest way to handle it is just walk away.

I now have a small Ninja Squad, CS who sent this to me is one of them.  They’ve surrounded me in my times of need and enveloped me with unconditional love and hugs.  Be prepared for the loss of those you thought were real friends, but get ready to revel in the knowledge that there are some “real deal” friends out there and they will surprise you!   Embrace them, tell them thank you and when you get the chance someday, return the favor – because now you know what it means to have a foundation friend!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Apr 25

Girlfriends –

by suddenlysinglewomen

I was looking through my stash of cards today, getting ready to write a thank you note to a great friend for a contribution she had made in my honor to one of the charities we share a passion for.  I found a card I had purchased, just waiting for the right person to send it to.  This was that right person.  The sentiments written on the card are all about the importance of girlfriends, those wonderful women who are always there for you no matter what.  Hereinafter referred to as the “GF’s”!!  Since I give FULL credit to the Blue Mountain Arts Card company, I hope that by sharing some of the things written 1) will not get me in trouble, I did pay for the card and 2) I can pass along the wonderful thoughts shared in that card.

Girlfriends –

It’s girlfriends like you who help keep me sane . . . .

Girlfriends are all ears when we need them to listen.  They lend us a hand if we need their help.  They’re generous, and they’ll give us the shirts off their backs if they know we want them.  (well, probably not if they’re a designer label, but you get the drift . . .)  They’re fun to hang out with, talk silly about nothing with, shop with and cheat on our diets with.

They understand our feelings and show us acceptance and perspective.  They acknowledge our efforts when we’re trying hard.  They help relieve the pressure of everyday life just by always being there.

What would we do without our girlfriends to complain to and act so crazy with?  They’re sensitive to our moods, and they stand by us when we need them to.  They lend us their shoulders to cry on.  They laugh with us when life’s not all that funny and we get caught in some mess.  They lift us and encourage us and support us.  They’re our refuge in this unfriendly world, our buddies to walk with through the storms.  I’m so glad to have a girlfriend like you.

Do you have a GF you feel that way about??  Have you told her lately how wonderful it is to have her in your life??  Men seem to come and go, love you and leave you sometimes but the real gal pals – they’re the best.  Here’s a big shout out to all the gal pals in the world – thanks for hanging in there with me!!

 

Girlfriends

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