suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Jan 21

Lesson #11

by suddenlysinglewomen

“It’s OK to let children see you cry.”

Wow, I really lucked out on this one – if you can call it that.  My sons were 26 and 23 when their father’s adultery came to light (in their eyes, I and my friends had known about it for 4+ years).  I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through when you have young kids and they learn of a parent’s betrayal.

Seems to me this life lesson wants to humanize the drama and trauma of just being human.  Humans cry when hurt – both physically and emotionally.

When my adult sons saw/heard me cry, it was not so much from the hurt, as from the sheer frustration of the divorce process itself.  Sons do NOT like to see/hear their Mom’s cry – that much became clear.  I did my best to keep it inside – but sometimes, it just burst forth.

I understand that they don’t want to see the other parent as a cad, a mean person, totally lacking in empathy and decency.  It’s one of the main reasons I never told them while the first two affairs were going on;  I tried so hard to spare them from the truth.

Today I would handle it differently, and I would let them know what it was doing to me.  Today I would let them see me cry.  The outcome would not be any different, except I probably would have been divorced in my 40’s instead of my 50’s.

Children have a tremendous ability to recover and rise above; you can let them see you cry.  You are, after all, human.

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Jan 20

Lesson #10

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.”

I have to say, this has been written about many times in this blog, although said in different ways and mostly referring to not messing up the future.  However, every day you get up – it’s the present and you have to get through your present day before you take on your future.

Some of these are just brilliant enough to not need a lot of commentary, this is one of them.  It’s simple yet so totally true.

It’s like the earlier life lesson about not holding onto your anger.  The past is the past, it’s in the rearview mirror – be done with it.

Learn from it, embrace the mistakes made and the lessons learned.  Release the hold over your heart that the past has, and enjoy a new peace in 2016!  Can I hear an “Amen”?

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Jan 18

Lesson #8

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Save for retirement, starting with your first paycheck.”

Though this (first paycheck) really doesn’t apply to some of the “older” folks who’ve been working for a while, the point is in many instances, it’s never too late to start saving.

If you don’t have a “paycheck”, your saving can be done by looking over your budget and your finances and seeing where you might cut back to “save”.

In the past year, I’ve had to start making some cuts in my spending – for many reasons.  The stock market is not helping us, the unrest in the world makes everyone nervous.  We’re all living longer, so our savings for retirement now has to go further and last longer.

No one thinks social security will be around when they need it; insurance/health costs continue to climb.  Everything costs more today than a year ago when I first really focused on cutting back.

You can do quick things like checking your data plans, cell phone plans, internet plans, cable/satellite plans.  I had a second phone line for my fax, so I got rid of it and changed to a printer that was also a scanner.  Eventually our entertainment will be streamed and cable/satellite could be a thing of the past.

These days where I live you can shop around your energy plans.  I also cook a lot more these days, sometimes doubling up and freezing meals so I can take advantage of buying some items in bulk at places like Costco.  Small steps to take that all add up.

Get creative, think outside the box and start putting it away for that eventual rainy day.

 

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Jan 15

Lesson #5

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Pay off your credit cards every month.”

Well . . . . isn’t this timely just after the holidays?

This one is a hard one, sometimes it doesn’t work out that way.  Large expenditures can occur and if you haven’t set extra (if you even have extra) $$ aside, it’s a lifeline to have an extended payment option.

For the most part though, I try not to put something on a credit card that I’m not going to be able to pay off.  Many times I pay cash or use my debit card so that I have no surprises at the end of the month.  Although really, saying the “end of the month” isn’t really accurate anymore since a lot of credit cards bill out on closing dates of their choosing.

You get the drift though, letting debt pile up is not good.  Hopefully you have a good financial person for advice, and are able to formulate a budget to keep you “within your means”.  My ex never lived within our “means” – he cared far too much about what the outside world thought of him and he desired a wealthy lifestyle.

My parents never over-extended and paid things off immediately.  The only loan was on their home, which they also paid off over 15 years.  Within my marriage, I was always uncomfortable about the amount of debt he carried.  After the divorce, I tried to budget and put $$ aside for the large expenses such as insurance, autos, healthcare, repairs, etc.  Sometimes I put aside enough, sometimes I had to fudge.

When you figure out how much you really pay “over time”, do you really want to make the credit card companies wealthier than they already are?  With the instability of the world markets and our own down stock market right now, this life lesson is even more timely.

Debt free is worry free!

 

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Apr 28

Thanks For Your Input! (NOT!!)

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sometimes those well-meaning people in your life are just . . . too . . . you know . . . well meaning?  I know they “mean well”, but seriously, I didn’t ask!  Sometimes I do ask, case in point, when my TV set up isn’t working or my computer is shutting me down – I ask the experts – my sons!  Of course mainly I get the reply “Mom, Google is your friend.”  OK – fine!

But what do you do when those times roll around that people are offering you their thoughts and their unsolicited advice?  I never want to hurt their feelings, they do have my best interests at heart, but sometimes it’s just too much.

I recently read a short article on how to handle these situations when they arise and I got a chuckle out of it.  I wish I had the ability to remember these “come backs” when I need them, but chances are I won’t.  This one I may practice though!  The article suggests:

“Unsolicited counsel can trigger reactions ranging from gratitude to feelings of inadequacy to anger, . . . The quickest fix?  Be direct.  Say, “Thank you for trying to help me, but I might have given the wrong impression.  I’m not actually looking for advice.”

You might also consider tweaking your own conversational style.  Sure, it could be that your nearest and dearest are busybodies, but maybe they’re jut looking for a way to connect with you.  Friends and family may be naturally inclined to offer guidance if, say, you tend to do a lot of venting or complaining.  And, honestly, even if that’s not the case, you’re less likely to be offered unwanted suggestions if you steer the discussions.”

It’s a fine line to know when to accept and when to ignore or decline.  I have two adult sons who always have my best interests in their minds when they start offering unsolicited advice.  Sometimes it reminds me too much of my EX, sometimes it’s spot on.  Sometimes it’s just plain awkward.

If you’re paying a professional for services, then mostly I would think you should listen to their direction, after all that is what you’re paying them for.  It comes to mind that these would include Doctors, Financial Advisors, CPA’s filing your tax returns, Lawyers – to name a few, but even then, you have a right to question and not take it as the gospel.

I have a friend who years ago worked with me in the Development Department of a Non-Profit.  People were constantly offering unsolicited advice to her about the way she should do her job.  She would always smile a beautiful smile while saying, “Thanks for your input”, but that twinkle in her eye told me that she wasn’t the least bit interested in hearing, or acting upon their opinion.  It became our “inside” joke.

Here’s to knowing when to say – enough!

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Apr 20

Bouncing Back Better – Part Deaux!

by suddenlysinglewomen

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Last week I shared some pointers I’d seen in the AARP Newsletter and promised I’d get back with some “further” thoughts!  So here goes:

1)  Don’t rush it.   There was nothing “rushed” about my divorce.   Luckily for women in the State of Texas, we have Community Property.  After a year + of “h*ll”, it was done.

The next thing that was not rushed was what I would call “recovery”.  Life does not just move on, it’s a struggle.  You’ve been thrown a curve ball, a slider, a sinker,  I could go on all day with the sports metaphors but truth is, you’re unbalanced (and I mean that in a good way).  You need to take the time to reacquaint yourself WITH yourself.  You’ve changed and it takes time to see your way through to this next phase of your life.  You are ALONE!  No matter your support system, you’re going to need to do a lot of this on your own.  Take your time and get to know the person inside; let the new woman emerge as better and brighter than before!

2)  Consult others.  This is so important.  It can be your family, your best friend, a professional therapist, a member of the clergy, a support group – many choices and only you will know what is best or possible for you.  Some are free, some come with cost – but all should be considered when seeking guidance to steer you through this important next phase.  You’re laying the groundwork for the next 20, 30, 4o years of your life.  Don’t you think that’s important enough to get some feedback?  A good listening ear is worth it.

Maybe you just need to hear yourself talk, maybe you really do want some answers?  Regardless of your state of mind, few can get through to the other side without some kind of help.  If people offer, take them up on it.  If they don’t, maybe consider that they’re just waiting to be asked.  If they’re not interested in listening or helping,  you’ll know pretty quickly so you can move away from them and look elsewhere.  It’s not a sign of weakness to seek help, it’s a sign of strength in acknowledging that you want to get to a better place.

3)  Think positive.  It’s all in the way you spin it in your mind.  Yep, no doubt about it, divorce sucks!  I really used to despise that word when my sons, then late teens and early 20’s, used it.  Boy does it apply though.  It just totally sums up what you’re going through.  You wonder if you’ll ever smile again, if you’ll ever love again, if you’ll ever feel cherished again?  You will.  Find a reason to smile, love yourself and cherish the time you have left on this earth to fulfill a dream, a destiny, a purpose.

There are no instant fixes but having a positive outlook will help  you get there much faster.  Not saying it’s not OK to have some dark thoughts, you will, I still do.  I can happily report though that they seem to be further and further apart these days.  Little things will set them off, that need to have a pity party but just don’t let it rule your thoughts every day.  Never let it be an excuse for bad behavior, there are enough people out there exhibiting their own bad behavior for you to be adding to it.  Having trouble making yourself happy?  Then try finding ways to make others happy by doing nice, unexpected things for them.  That alone can get you in a positive frame of mind.  Just today while outside enjoying a nice spring day (after three months of rain, gloom and doom) while walking the dogs, I passed by a neighbor’s house where the yardman was putting in some spring color.  He hopped up out of the way of my two large canines and noticing his work I smiled at him and commented on how pretty the flowers were.  The change on his face was amazing, he seemed so surprised that someone would compliment him.  It made him smile, it made me smile.  Easy!  Take time to be positive.

4)  Recognize your own strengths.  I had been pretty well sheltered during my “child”  life.  My father took care of everything outside the house, my mother took care of everything inside the house.  He went to work everyday and provided for his family.  My mother made sure we were well fed and taken care of.  I expected to grow up, marry and have the same thing.

My spouse provided for us, but I was never a full partner in the decision making having to do with finances, where we lived, what we did, who we saw, etc.  When I suddenly found myself single and alone – it was frightening.  Would I be able to make decisions based on very little experience having to do with day-to-day living?  I’d been a daughter, a wife, a mother; I had never been solely responsible.  Guess what?  I am pretty smart and capable.  Who knew?  (smile)  Recognize that you too are smart and capable.  You can take care of yourself and make smart decisions.  If you need guidance, ask for it.  Coming out from the shadows and into the light is very liberating.  I’ll make some bad decisions and I’ll learn from them and I will keep moving forward.  I am strong, . . . I am woman . . . (you know what’s coming!), hear me roar!

 

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Apr 16

AARP – Yep, I’m Getting Old!

by suddenlysinglewomen

I remember when I first got my “invitation” to join AARP.  I was turning 50.  WHAT?  Isn’t that what you do when you’re approaching 65-ish?  Obviously not.  What made it even worse was the fact that I was a year older than my “then” spouse and boy did he rub it in.

Fast forward to now, I am a member of AARP and the newer fact that I actually enjoy reading some of the articles they write in their newsletter.  OK, so not all the articles pertain to me – I don’t need a “walk-in” tub or a pendant to wear for medical alerts or falls or a wheel chair and walker.  However, every once in a while they have something that I can really relate to, thus today’s “share”.

These helpful hints can actually be applied to multiple maladies, but they rang very true to me in “Divorce Recovery” and I’d like to share them with you for your quest of survival from whatever brings you unhappiness.  The title of the section is:  “Bouncing Back, Better“.

1)  Don’t rush it.  Take time after a shock, says Susan Bridges, president of William Bridges and Associates, which provides transition coaching.  “We see it as a three-phase process; starting with acknowledging what has ended.”

2)  Consult others.  Richard Leider of AARP’s Life Reimagined suggests assembling a sounding board of friends as advisors.  “You want a committed listener, who can just hear what you have to say without trying to fix anything,” he says.  “Then you want a catalyst, who offers inspiration through his or her own story.  And then you want a wise elder, who helps you keep your eye on the big picture.”

3)  Think positive.  “Whether people can access positive emotions in dire circumstances is typically a matter of what kind of sense they make of the event,” says psychologist Barbara Fredrickson.  “The reaction to a natural disaster could be “I lost everything,” or it could be “I’m still breathing.”

4)  Recognize your own strengths.  “People say that they now experience themselves as a different person,” says psychologist Lawrence Calhoun.  “They see themselves as more vulnerable than they thought but stronger than they ever imagined.”

I’ll give you some time to ponder these thoughts, and when next we “connect”, I’ll share some of my thoughts on these suggestions, and the ways I’ve tried to “Bounce Back”.

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Nov 18

Let Gratitude Change Your Attitude – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

So I was driving along the other day and there was a break in the music on the radio for a church ad.  Usually I listen to XM/Sirius radio so there’s little interruption but for some reason I was on regular radio programming.  A minister came on and was asking for attendance for the upcoming Sunday.

Generally I tune ads out, but there was just something about his voice.  Maybe that’s one of the things that lead him to his calling – a great voice that makes people sit up and notice.  His topic of discussion was going to be “Let Gratitude Change Your Attitude” . . . and it really stuck a chord in me.

I’ve said before how we can control our feelings and decide how we are going to let things that happen to us shape us.  I know you’ve heard it all before whether it be from your well meaning friends and family, or a therapist or divorce recovery group.  The message is always the same – you can get through this, you will feel better, you will recover.

But dang if it isn’t really  hard to do, right??

So when I heard this, it was like . . . WOW!  How five words can have such a profound impact?  Amazing.  I started thinking of all the things I have to be grateful for, and there are a lot.   You know what starts to happen when you let gratitude change your attitude?  You start smiling, your heart warms and your perspective does change.  You look at things a bit differently.  It’s slow at first, it’s SO easy to think of all the negatives and wallow in the gloom and doom.

I know, I’ve done it!

And I know that I will continue to do it at times BUT –

Maybe if everyday we look around us at the things we have to be grateful for, it could be the beginning of something really wonderful.  It just might, over time – change that attitude into a smile!

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May 26

Happy Memorial Day Weekend – But Look Out . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

Those of us who had/have parents, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters or any relations in the armed services understand better than anyone what today is all about.  We offer thanks and gratitude to those who kept/keep our country safe and prayers for those who gave their lives doing it.

The retailers understand holidays, time off, the beginning of summer and shoppers looking for sales.  To them Memorial Day is also about getting you into their stores either in person or through cyber space.  It’s tempting.  My email’s inbox has been inundated all day and over the past week with hundreds of “Memorial Day Sales”.  I peruse to see if anything strikes my fancy and then stop myself to wonder – Am I buying this simply because it is a good deal?  Do I truly  need it, would I be buying it anyway?

Chances are very good that after a divorce, your shopping power has diminished.  Even if you have a great paying job, you now have to make plans for the future to know that YOU will be able to take care of YOU!  No one else is standing in line to do it for you.

Before you shell out your hard-earned cash, there are a few things you should do. Namely? Ask yourself the below 10 questions before buying anything expensive.  Getting something new may give you a temporary high, but when it gets right down to it, did you really need it or are you just getting caught up in the hype?  Use the below link to ask yourselves these questions.  I leave it to you to decide about that next tempting “sale item”, but being thoughtful about your finances just shows everyone around you that you are truly a smart lady capable of taking care of her financial well-being.

https://shopping.yahoo.com/news/10-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-buying-anything-expensive-184127221.html

I’m tossing the catalogs and deleting the emails, think I’ll be happy with what I have for the time being!  : -)

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Apr 23

The ABC’s of Divorce . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

Just back from a lovely weekend where my eldest son proposed to his GF, and surprised her with all the family from “both sides” joining in after for the surprise celebration!  After a sunset proposal on a sailboat, they arrived at the restaurant where we were all waiting.  After much flash photography with the requisite hugs and tears, we settled into our seats – 15 strong, in the middle of the restaurant.

Her parents have been married more than 40 years with three adult children and a grandchild on the way.  They were all there with their spouses and significant others.  I was there with my younger son and daughter in law.  And of course, the Ex and Mrs. Ex.   A most happy occasion that brings with it some emotional challenges.

Flying home Sunday I was full of happy thoughts of upcoming “new beginnings” and sad thoughts of “what might’ve been” if I had made a love match.  What comes from those thoughts leads to today’s post – – – The “ABC’s” of Divorce.   Abandonment, Betrayal and Change:

1)  Abandonment – You feel abandoned, scared, left alone to tackle the world by yourself.  “By yourself” was never part of the deal, we were supposed to be a team.  We were supposed to be “happily ever after”.  Even if not always “happily”, surely “ever after”?  Not so much.  It was more like . . . until the next best thing comes along.  We are a “disposable” society and wives are easily disposed of, too easily if you ask me – but no one did.

Thinking of abandonment makes emotions run high.  I work with two animal rescue groups, and we see abandoned animals all the time.  We are appalled by what people do to these poor defenseless creatures who cannot take care of themselves.  We get up in arms, we get vocal, we advocate for their rights and try to find them a better life.  But who advocates for a woman who gets abandoned by a man?  Who gets up in arms and vocal for us?  Who takes us in and cuddles with us and promises that everything is going to be all right?

2)  Betrayal – Ahhhh, the betrayal . . . the way it feels in your heart and soul when you realize all those promises meant nothing.  To be betrayed by the one person who had taken vows, an oath if you will, to love and protect, honor and cherish and be true to . . . well, you get the drift.   Whether it’s from infidelity or not, a divorce is a betrayal of everything that you thought was promised to you on the day you wed.

I know that the men think they can be just as betrayed by women, but for the sake of this blog, it’s about the woman being betrayed.  That promise gets broken and your heart hurts.  There’s an emptiness inside where once lived hope and dreams, and that emptiness stings.  For me this past weekend, it was having to “put on the brave face” and act like every moment I had to be around the Ex and Mrs. Ex wasn’t the feeling of betrayal in the extreme.  The celebration of our children’s future was supposed to be something WE shared together.

3)  Change – Change is inevitable.  Change can be good.   Change is something divorce forces on you whether you want it or not, yes?  Your life will change and this has nothing to do with money or status or quality of lifestyle.  It has everything to do with how you see your new world and how you chose to live in that new world.  Change is something that you live with every single day even when everyone else’s life around you moves on without you.  I’ve always said that I don’t necessarily want anyone’s pity, I do not want to be a victim.  What I do need however is just the acknowledgment every once in a while that people understand that sometimes it’s just difficult.  It’s hard.

And it was hard this weekend being around the “happy” and not longing for what “might have been”.  It was hard having to deal with who sits where, who says what etc.   I suppose we’re just like every other family having to deal with the awkwardness of divorce.   So I’ll continue to mind my “P’s and Q’s”, and learn my “ABC’s” – and press on!

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