suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Feb 1

Lesson #22

by suddenlysinglewomen

“The most important sex organ is the brain.”

Oh to have had this statement when my sons were teenagers!!  Not implying they were sexually active, but it just says what you need to say in such a sweet succinct way!

Now that I’m single and “out there” again, it’s still such a powerful statement.  Ladies, and a few gentlemen, these are different times.  There are so many diseases and other consequences out there if you are sexually active.  Being prepared isn’t being promiscuous, it’s being smart.

Even married, I never thought about being careful and protected because we were monogamous . . . right?  WRONG!  Do you know how embarrassing it was every time I learned of a new affair to have to go to the gynecologist and ask for a test for HIV/Aids?

All I think this lesson is saying is to do just that – THINK!  Use your brain, protect yourself.  Impulse is great if it’s having an impromptu picnic on a gorgeous spring day.  Impulse when it comes to sex needs to be put in check.

Check what your true feelings for this person are.

Check whether he’s truly single (if you’re dating) or truly monogamous (if you’re married).

Check if this is the right time to be intimate or are you just feeling really lonely and this fills a hole in your heart.

Check your heart.

Check that you’re not just a booty call, trust your intuition.

Check what his intentions are, what are yours?

Your brain is a powerful tool, use it and be smart.  Your heart will appreciate it.

 

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Jan 30

Lesson #20

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Overprepare, then go with the flow.”

I definitely over prepare, I try to think of every contingency just to be on the safe side.  Sometimes, life still throws a monkey wrench into the works and best laid plans bust apart.  That said, I am, always have been, and probably always will be a planner and a preparer!

How nice it would be to “go with the flow”, certainly much less stressful.  I suppose what this lesson is telling us is that if we are overly prepared, then we’ll be able to sit back, assess and “go with the flow?”

I’m reminded of a conversation years ago with a woman lauding her son for wanting to be his own person and go against the flow.  Sometimes though, she warned him:  “It’s OK if you’re marching to the beat of a different drummer, unless you turn around and EVERYONE is going the other direction.”

Sometimes it works to be a salmon fighting your way upstream.  But wouldn’t it be nice if all our lives’ preparedness allowed us to be a leaf resting on the top of a gently flowing river flowing downstream?

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Jan 27

Lesson #17

by suddenlysinglewomen

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.”

I had a great childhood.  I was the first born and favorite daughter!!  Ok, maybe I was the ONLY daughter but I was still the favorite one!

I don’t look at the “oops’s” in my life and blame it on my upbringing, my Mother, my Father or anyone else.  I had probably fewer adventures than most.  I never pushed the boundaries, I was a rule follower.  We stuck close to home, maybe the occasional visit to relatives who all lived in state.   We played outside a lot, and not with fancy toys.  There was minimal TV, and then what ever program we watched was determined by my Father.  Walt Disney and Bonanza come to mind.

We had one phone, kids didn’t really use it to communicate till maybe high school.  Even then, since it was in the kitchen where everyone listened, there weren’t many conversations over the wires.   Our conversations were face to face.  The first time I was dishonest with my parents, I was a Senior in High School and it was re: a date.  I got caught.  Like I said, not many “adventures”!

If the second childhood is up to me, I can only hope that I do as good a job on this next one as I did on the last one!  I will, however, be looking for more adventures this time around!

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Jan 25

Lesson #15

by suddenlysinglewomen

We’re a third of the way through our journey.  How are we doing?  I’m getting a lot out of this process, mainly because it makes me pause and think that I can be much more positive.  I hope you are as well.  I’ve always fancied myself as a “glass half full” type person.  The actions of a few over the past 15 years have caused me to slip a bit in my resolve.

Writing my thoughts and sharing them with you has helped me to reaffirm my natural instincts – and for that I am grateful.  So . . . on to today’s Lesson!

“You can get through anything if you stay put in today.”

Would this be similar to the old adage, “Take one day at a time”?

I am a self confessed worrier.  I admit it, I worry about tomorrow.  Sometimes I live “in the moment”, but rarely.  I’m a planner, I’m a scheduler, I know what I’m doing tomorrow, next week, next month – you get the drift.

I suppose this Lesson is telling me I need to stay in today and complete today.  So here’s to today, and making it the very best it can be, putting one foot in front of the other!

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Jan 24

Lesson #14

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Life is too short for long pity parties.  Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

Well . . . tell me how you REALLY feel!

I see this a lot when I’m together with a group of divorced, single women.  To be fair, I think we all have days like this whether we’re single and alone, or with a significant other and in a relationship.  Everyone has bad days and since we do, there is the occasional pity party.  That’s normal.

What is not normal is if it continues on to be the focus of your every day.  We all have friends like this, the world is always sour to them.  They get started on the “woe is me, poor me”  and you want to throw your hands up and say stop!!  (Or at least leave the room)

People like this can suck the oxygen out of the room; they are a total buzz kill. My guess is 9 times outta 10, they don’t even realize it, so mired in self pity they are.

Can you help them?  Maybe.  The one thing you can do for sure is make sure you’re not one of them.  You reach a time when you can tell that your friends and family just don’t want to hear about it anymore.  That’s a sign that they’ve moved on and they are thinking so should you.

You may not be ready to move on, but seeking a different outlet might be the best course of action.  Perhaps it’s time to seek professional help?  Look around you and find the positives and convince yourself to celebrate those – now that’s a party we’d all like to attend.

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Jan 23

Lesson # 13

by suddenlysinglewomen

“If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it”.

It sounds so obvious, but when you think you’re “in love” – it’s amazing what you’ll put up with.

The first time this happened to me, it took me a while before I realized it.   I was in college and dating a guy I’d met through a sorority sister of mine.  The first time we “went out”, wasn’t really a date – he was helping me out by being an escort to an event I wanted to attend.  We got along, had fun, and actually started “dating” after that.

Over the course of our dating relationship, it became clear to me that when it came to certain facets of his “social standing”, I wasn’t included or introduced correctly.  Example:  he was being courted/nominated for a membership in an exclusive all male social club in his hometown.  Two things happened that should have been a warning to me.

  1.  The first time he introduced me around, he mistakenly referred to my sorority affiliation.  I realized later that my sorority was not considered one of the top “8” on campus and he was embarrassed.
  2. During the “courting” process for this club, he proposed to me and we became engaged.  However since this was the “Bachelor’s Club” of a large city in Texas and responsible for putting on a Deb Ball, he kept our engagement a secret since that would prevent him from being asked to be a member.  Clearly I was not a priority.

I was young, naive and thought I was in love, I allowed it to happen.  I can’t even blame it on low self esteem, I just bought into it for “his” sake.  As we mature, we get smarter, right?

Not so much.

Several years after my divorce, I  began a relationship with a man I’d known for years through a non-profit we sat on the Board of.  I’ve spoken of him on this site before.  I thought he was amazing; I thought I was in love.  It took me quite a while to realize he was NOT introducing me to his friends or his family, even though he had met mine.  He never took me around his work, his church, his club.  He never included me on his trips to the family ranch, or invited me along to share his “sports” or recreational activities.  You convince yourself that he doesn’t want to share his time alone with you with anyone.

You should be convincing yourself that you’re a “secret” because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s IN a relationship.  You see, if he’s perceived as being “IN” a relationship, all those other “opportunities” to meet other women will dry up.  Heaven forbid he misses the next greener pasture.

Cynical?  Yes.  We should give ourselves credit enough to realize we ARE valuable and “worth” being introduced, and taken out in public.  We should never be a secret.  It makes me feel like “the other woman”, kept in the shadows.

I am no one’s secret.

 

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Jan 22

Lesson #12

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Don’t compare your life to other’s.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.”

This one is tough for me, because the interpretation can be so many different things.

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning if you think your’s is so much worse, you have no idea what they’re really going through?

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning if you think your’s is so much better, you might have misjudged just how happy they really are?

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning that no two life’s experiences and journeys are alike?

I feel like it’s mostly the first one, but could be any of them.

I once had a friend say in a group that “If you sit around a circle and everyone throws their problems in the middle, after looking at what everyone else is going through, you will more than likely pick yours right back up.”

I will be truthful and admit that at certain times I have been “envious” of others and wished my life to be more like theirs.  However, when we delve behind the scenes, their perfect lives are rarely what we think they are.

My 2016 quest has begun by acknowledging that I am content with who I am, proud of my accomplishments and challenged to learn even more about who I am and what I can be “when I grow up”!   My journey is mine alone, I’m learning what it is all about, and I’m so glad you’re along with me.

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Jan 21

Lesson #11

by suddenlysinglewomen

“It’s OK to let children see you cry.”

Wow, I really lucked out on this one – if you can call it that.  My sons were 26 and 23 when their father’s adultery came to light (in their eyes, I and my friends had known about it for 4+ years).  I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through when you have young kids and they learn of a parent’s betrayal.

Seems to me this life lesson wants to humanize the drama and trauma of just being human.  Humans cry when hurt – both physically and emotionally.

When my adult sons saw/heard me cry, it was not so much from the hurt, as from the sheer frustration of the divorce process itself.  Sons do NOT like to see/hear their Mom’s cry – that much became clear.  I did my best to keep it inside – but sometimes, it just burst forth.

I understand that they don’t want to see the other parent as a cad, a mean person, totally lacking in empathy and decency.  It’s one of the main reasons I never told them while the first two affairs were going on;  I tried so hard to spare them from the truth.

Today I would handle it differently, and I would let them know what it was doing to me.  Today I would let them see me cry.  The outcome would not be any different, except I probably would have been divorced in my 40’s instead of my 50’s.

Children have a tremendous ability to recover and rise above; you can let them see you cry.  You are, after all, human.

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Jan 20

Lesson #10

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.”

I have to say, this has been written about many times in this blog, although said in different ways and mostly referring to not messing up the future.  However, every day you get up – it’s the present and you have to get through your present day before you take on your future.

Some of these are just brilliant enough to not need a lot of commentary, this is one of them.  It’s simple yet so totally true.

It’s like the earlier life lesson about not holding onto your anger.  The past is the past, it’s in the rearview mirror – be done with it.

Learn from it, embrace the mistakes made and the lessons learned.  Release the hold over your heart that the past has, and enjoy a new peace in 2016!  Can I hear an “Amen”?

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Jan 14

Lesson #4

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.”

Ain’t it the truth?

Haven’t we all had occasions that we found out that things we’ve done, goals we’ve accomplished, comments we’ve made – are only really that important to us?

Do you ever get the feeling that people sometimes just wanna tell you BFD?

There are times when I sit down to write this blog and I wonder if anything I say here really matters to anyone other than myself.  If this were “public speaking”, I could gauge the audience, and/or you could just walk out.

Here I have no idea whether you think I’m crazy or not.

I am coming very close to finalizing a “book deal” though, and that is a marketable, measurable tool.  Till then, I’ll “seriously” hope that this 45 day quest we’re on together does help you/me have a better and happier 2016!

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