suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

You Only Live Once . . .

I was recently reading an article in a monthly newsletter and it’s subject matter was certainly something that I have spent hours reflecting upon.  As I enter the “senior” time of my life, I look back at all the things I postponed, because of _______________.   (Fill in the blank)  There always seems to be a good reason, at the time, to put off the adventure I long for.

This article was entitled:  “Risk While You Can” and written by Dwight Edwards.  Below is an excerpt that I share with you all.

“Not long ago a survey was done among a large group of elderly men and women.  The question was asked, “What three things would you do differently if you could live your life over?”  They were then given a dozen or so possible answers to choose from.  Guess what response ranked number one?  “I would have risked more” was the runaway, first place answer.

How interesting!  In the twilight of their lives, their greatest regret was not that they hadn’t made enough money, hadn’t  visited enough countries, hadn’t made a bigger name for themselves, etc.  It was simply that they had played safe too often, had settled for vanilla too frequently, and too easily had chosen the safety of the bench rather than the dangers and glories of being actually out on the field.  But they couldn’t escape the lingering regret of shunned risks and forfeited possibilities.  Risking always costs; but not risking often costs even more in the long run.  Someone put it well:

“There was a very cautious man,

Who never laughed or played;

He never risked, he never tried,

He never sang or prayed.

And when he one day passed away

His insurance was denied;

For since he never really lived,

They claimed he never died!”

Wayne Gretzky, the greatest to ever skate the ice, is exactly right – “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”

The author’s advice????     “Let’s take the shots!”

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Building From The Top Down?

Won’t work.  You don’t build anything from the top “down”.  Picture if you will, a house being built.  If you tried to start with the roof, what would hold it up?  Where’s the strong foundation to support it?

One brick at a time, brick by brick – sounds like the lyrics to a country western song, although that certainly dates me as now they just refer to it as “country”!

When people tell you that after your divorce you just try to take it one day at a tie, putting one foot in front of the other.  You’re rebuilding your life, whether you are divorced or widowed, it’s the same.  What you had – is gone.  Poof!

The life you had, even if you felt you had worked your way up to the “top”, is non existent.  You cannot rebuild it from the top down.  You’re going to have to start over whether you want to or not.  Finances may not be the same, certainly family and friends are not going to be the same.  Your purpose in life has suddenly altered and you are starting over.  You’re foundation has shifted as it does in an earthquake – a good synonym for life after divorce, an earthquake hit you and everything has crumbled and fallen down.

So you get yourself up, dust yourself off and as Frank Sinatra once said, “Get back in the race”.

One brick at a time . . . brick by brick . . . one foot in front of the other . . . one day at a time.

 

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Je Ne Sais Quoi –

“Je ne sais quoi”

Je ne sais quoi is French for “I know not what.” In English, we use it to refer to an intangible, distinctive quality, especially of a person, that can’t be put in words—e.g., “I don’t know what makes him so charming. He just has a certain je ne sais quoi.” The phrase is often italicized and occasionally put in quotation marks.

The phrase has been in use in English for at least three centuries. In some old books, it is treated as a broader term representing various philosophical and aesthetic concepts not easily put in words, but by the 19th century je ne sais quoi was widely used the way it is today.

My Father used to use that phrase all the time.  I never quite knew what he meant, but it sounded so cool.  If it were today, and my Father was still alive and using the phrase I could simply go to Google and figure out what the heck he was trying to tell me.  After all these years, I finally did!  (look it up that is)  Therefore, I copied it above and have to admit, it still kinda throws me off.

If I’m going to go with “I know not what”, then I could agree that when it comes to looking into the future and trying to see where I’m headed (or is it heading?), nothing could be more perfect as a description of my feelings.  “I know not what”!

Years ago I would have thought that by my age, life as I had planned it, imagined it, would be so simple.  Loving husband, retirement adventures, mortgages paid off, kids safely launched, grandkids to baby sit, sunsets to enjoy – you get the drift.  This would be the year of my 40th wedding anniversary.

Didn’t quite work out that way.  Now when I look into the future, I somehow keep hearing my Father say, “Je ne sais quoi” and I’m starting to get the picture.

 

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Suddenly Solo?

This statistic is an eye opener!  I just read where there are over 19 million singles over the age of 55!

Wow, that’s a whole lot of people sitting on a sofa eating alone while watching TV on any given night.

No wonder those administrators of Social Security are so worried, they should be!  We are a staggering number.

I can also see why all those dating websites continue to thrive, and give us (false) hope that there really IS someone out there that we can grow old with together.

The breakdown that I would find even more telling would be this – of those 19 million singles over the age of 55, what are the percentages:

  1.  How many are single and have never been married?
  2. How many are single because of divorce?
  3. How many are single because they lost a spouse due to death?

You wonder how many are single because they want to be, and of that number, how many because they never trusted marriage and are happy in their “solo-ness”?  How many are single because they’re divorced and their heart was broken and will never trust again.  Of that number, how many are female, how many are male?

I would love to see a better breakdown, but until then, I remain curious, and curiously alone . . . uh, I mean single.

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Here’s To Finding “Contentment” . . .

“Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us”.

I believe in some corners this is referred to as the Serenity Prayer.  Serenity, contentment, are these things that we can strive for and ever find in our busy lives?

I recently took a Meditation and Happiness class.  It was two classes, offered on consecutive Friday evenings at a nearby University.  Sure, why not?  What else am I doing on a Friday night?  Wink Wink . . .

The teacher had been trained by Tibetan Monks, had spent time with the Dali Lama.  (Did I spell that right?)   He had the lose flowing garments, and looked like a yogi.  He had his floor mat and pillow, spoke soothingly, taught us about breathing and releasing the mind.  I came closer to “getting it” than I ever have before, but still . . .

His mantra was much shorter than the one above, and focused on seeking “happiness”.  I have a friend who refers to it as seeking “quiet”.  Semantics.

I do believe that as I get older, it is important for me to move farther away from the frenetic life I used to thrive on, and those people who keep it that way.  Therefore, as it says above, I desire to be content with myself, and allow my soul the freedom, and dare I add – joy, to sing, dance, praise and love!

I wish these things for all of  you.

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Drama Queens??? Who Needs Them??

“There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.”

If getting back up is living, then I am alive and well!

When I was very young, being a child of older parents – I was always around much older adults.  There was more than the fair share of cranky old women and men.  I never understood why they were always in a bad mood.  I was pretty sure it had nothing to do with me, but I wondered what made them that way?

I promised myself then and there that I would not grow up to be a cranky old woman.

Uh Oh!

Now that I myself am an adult, surrounded by other adults – I think I’m beginning to understand.  I still don’t want to be “one of them, the cranky ones” – but I’m starting to understand the how and why they got that way.  The difference today?  I can make a choice to not let it turn me into the same thing.  I can remove myself.

When I read the above statement, it was like a very bright light bulb went off in my brain.  By nature I am the fixer, the pleaser, the consensus builder – but some people just do not want to be happy.  They thrive in their “poor me” land.  It’s the way they seek attention.  Not this woman.  Much like the past post I wrote several years ago about the “bobbin” on top of the water?  That’s me, I’m going to pop back up onto the surface.

Scroll back up and read the quote again.  Decide to walk away from the Drama Queens (or Kings) in your life.  Reside in a place where people make you laugh, and show you respect.  It’s hard to walk away, some of these people have been in my life for 30+ years, but they’re weighing me down.  I will be the Phoenix rising from the ashes, see me soar!

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Changing Your Expectations?

A friend recently shared this little snippet, pretty sure there’s more where this came from so I’ll include the credit and link below should you choose to scope out more!  This one tho’, speaks loudly to me.  Read it first, then I’ll share my thoughts!

By:  Danielle LaPorte at #Truthbombs.   http://bit.ly/truthbombs

Truthbomb: “People are going to be who they are most of the time. In character, not out of character. We are — for better or for worse — generally predictable. So there’s a lot of sanity in just flowing with someone’s nature. Accept it. Forgive it. Just tolerate it. Or peace out if you don’t want it in your life. But don’t waste too much time trying to change it.”

Not long ago I was sharing something I’d read with a group of my GF’s.  I was commenting on how very sad it is that advice these days tells us if we don’t want to be disappointed in people, we should “lower” our expectations.  That just goes against everything I was taught and shown as a child of the 50’s.

Later, as a teacher, I was constantly reminded that my students would live up to my expectations.  If I didn’t expect much from them, they would give me just that – not much.  If I expected really good things from them, and held them to a high standard, they rarely let me down.

As I grow older in this 21st century, I am sad to report tho’ that a lot of people just don’t give a “sh*t” about what you think about them or their actions.  According to the quote above, I’m just supposed to tolerate it.

My biggest mistake I have found, is expecting people to handle situations the same as I would.  Politeness and good manners – what happened to them?  Everyone is so focused on their own needs, that thinking of others first, has disappeared.  That is a very sad state of affairs.

So maybe it’s time for me to take the last line above to heart, and not waste too much time trying to change it, or the people around me?  I’ll just be content to know that I will continue to put other’s needs first, knowing that I am no saint – but I am polite, have good manners and will continue to be so.

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Lesson #42

“Take a deep breath.  It calms the mind.”

I’ve recently signed up to take a class about meditation.  Everyone I know that “does it”, swears by it.  I know they will tell me to focus on my breath.  I’ve tried before, without much success.

This time could be different!  But there is a reason when things happen that you hear people “sigh” – it’s taking a cleansing breath to settle what’s troubling you.

My mind is rarely calm, but I’m willing to try.  Let’s just hope I don’t hyperventilate, and the racket you hear isn’t me passing out!!

SIGH . . . . .

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Lesson # 21

“Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.”

Oops!  I already wear purple . . . and orange . . . and bright yellow . . .  and my power color: red!!

I’ve always been about color, it just makes me happy.  Luckily my career choices have always been those that encourage self expression – within guidelines.

My ex, on the other hand, chose a career path that of being a CPA.  Straight out of college he went to work for one of the Big 8.  Over the years that has whittled down through mergers and government interference to just 4 now. The point being, if you were in an accounting firm (and probably the same for most large law firms) there was a dress code.  You wore navy blue and dark grey suits.  Your dress shirts were white, occasionally on a special occasion you could wear white instead.  (small joke)

You could have some color with a tie (or a small neck bow if you were female) but even that was pretty limited to blues and dark reds.  There was no personal creative expression allowed – you blended in.

I remember once we were headed out to a social gathering, being picked up at our house by another couple from the “firm”.  The ex was already ready and pacing in the living room.  I came out of the bedroom ready (with plenty of time still) dressed in what I thought was a cute ensemble appropriate for the occasion – a sporting event.  He took one look at me and said, “You’re not wearing that are you?”

Don’t you just love those questions?  I mean really, if you weren’t “really” wearing that, then why in the world would you have put it on??  Seriously??  But I knew the reason behind the shot across the bough, it was TOO much, TOO colorful, TOO attention getting, TOO me.  After all, my roll in life was to blend in, and let all attention be focused on him.

Even now, I’m far from being what I would consider eccentric.  I do however, dress for myself.  If I want to be daring and wear a bright color, I do.  I dress age appropriately, I don’t leave the house in anything that would embarrass my children or my parents – but I do allow myself to be “me”.  And I do enjoy wearing purple!

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Lesson #17

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.”

I had a great childhood.  I was the first born and favorite daughter!!  Ok, maybe I was the ONLY daughter but I was still the favorite one!

I don’t look at the “oops’s” in my life and blame it on my upbringing, my Mother, my Father or anyone else.  I had probably fewer adventures than most.  I never pushed the boundaries, I was a rule follower.  We stuck close to home, maybe the occasional visit to relatives who all lived in state.   We played outside a lot, and not with fancy toys.  There was minimal TV, and then what ever program we watched was determined by my Father.  Walt Disney and Bonanza come to mind.

We had one phone, kids didn’t really use it to communicate till maybe high school.  Even then, since it was in the kitchen where everyone listened, there weren’t many conversations over the wires.   Our conversations were face to face.  The first time I was dishonest with my parents, I was a Senior in High School and it was re: a date.  I got caught.  Like I said, not many “adventures”!

If the second childhood is up to me, I can only hope that I do as good a job on this next one as I did on the last one!  I will, however, be looking for more adventures this time around!

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