suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Feb 1

Lesson #22

by suddenlysinglewomen

“The most important sex organ is the brain.”

Oh to have had this statement when my sons were teenagers!!  Not implying they were sexually active, but it just says what you need to say in such a sweet succinct way!

Now that I’m single and “out there” again, it’s still such a powerful statement.  Ladies, and a few gentlemen, these are different times.  There are so many diseases and other consequences out there if you are sexually active.  Being prepared isn’t being promiscuous, it’s being smart.

Even married, I never thought about being careful and protected because we were monogamous . . . right?  WRONG!  Do you know how embarrassing it was every time I learned of a new affair to have to go to the gynecologist and ask for a test for HIV/Aids?

All I think this lesson is saying is to do just that – THINK!  Use your brain, protect yourself.  Impulse is great if it’s having an impromptu picnic on a gorgeous spring day.  Impulse when it comes to sex needs to be put in check.

Check what your true feelings for this person are.

Check whether he’s truly single (if you’re dating) or truly monogamous (if you’re married).

Check if this is the right time to be intimate or are you just feeling really lonely and this fills a hole in your heart.

Check your heart.

Check that you’re not just a booty call, trust your intuition.

Check what his intentions are, what are yours?

Your brain is a powerful tool, use it and be smart.  Your heart will appreciate it.

 

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Jan 30

Lesson #20

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Overprepare, then go with the flow.”

I definitely over prepare, I try to think of every contingency just to be on the safe side.  Sometimes, life still throws a monkey wrench into the works and best laid plans bust apart.  That said, I am, always have been, and probably always will be a planner and a preparer!

How nice it would be to “go with the flow”, certainly much less stressful.  I suppose what this lesson is telling us is that if we are overly prepared, then we’ll be able to sit back, assess and “go with the flow?”

I’m reminded of a conversation years ago with a woman lauding her son for wanting to be his own person and go against the flow.  Sometimes though, she warned him:  “It’s OK if you’re marching to the beat of a different drummer, unless you turn around and EVERYONE is going the other direction.”

Sometimes it works to be a salmon fighting your way upstream.  But wouldn’t it be nice if all our lives’ preparedness allowed us to be a leaf resting on the top of a gently flowing river flowing downstream?

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Jan 27

Lesson #17

by suddenlysinglewomen

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.”

I had a great childhood.  I was the first born and favorite daughter!!  Ok, maybe I was the ONLY daughter but I was still the favorite one!

I don’t look at the “oops’s” in my life and blame it on my upbringing, my Mother, my Father or anyone else.  I had probably fewer adventures than most.  I never pushed the boundaries, I was a rule follower.  We stuck close to home, maybe the occasional visit to relatives who all lived in state.   We played outside a lot, and not with fancy toys.  There was minimal TV, and then what ever program we watched was determined by my Father.  Walt Disney and Bonanza come to mind.

We had one phone, kids didn’t really use it to communicate till maybe high school.  Even then, since it was in the kitchen where everyone listened, there weren’t many conversations over the wires.   Our conversations were face to face.  The first time I was dishonest with my parents, I was a Senior in High School and it was re: a date.  I got caught.  Like I said, not many “adventures”!

If the second childhood is up to me, I can only hope that I do as good a job on this next one as I did on the last one!  I will, however, be looking for more adventures this time around!

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Jan 24

Lesson #14

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Life is too short for long pity parties.  Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

Well . . . tell me how you REALLY feel!

I see this a lot when I’m together with a group of divorced, single women.  To be fair, I think we all have days like this whether we’re single and alone, or with a significant other and in a relationship.  Everyone has bad days and since we do, there is the occasional pity party.  That’s normal.

What is not normal is if it continues on to be the focus of your every day.  We all have friends like this, the world is always sour to them.  They get started on the “woe is me, poor me”  and you want to throw your hands up and say stop!!  (Or at least leave the room)

People like this can suck the oxygen out of the room; they are a total buzz kill. My guess is 9 times outta 10, they don’t even realize it, so mired in self pity they are.

Can you help them?  Maybe.  The one thing you can do for sure is make sure you’re not one of them.  You reach a time when you can tell that your friends and family just don’t want to hear about it anymore.  That’s a sign that they’ve moved on and they are thinking so should you.

You may not be ready to move on, but seeking a different outlet might be the best course of action.  Perhaps it’s time to seek professional help?  Look around you and find the positives and convince yourself to celebrate those – now that’s a party we’d all like to attend.

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Jan 23

Lesson # 13

by suddenlysinglewomen

“If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it”.

It sounds so obvious, but when you think you’re “in love” – it’s amazing what you’ll put up with.

The first time this happened to me, it took me a while before I realized it.   I was in college and dating a guy I’d met through a sorority sister of mine.  The first time we “went out”, wasn’t really a date – he was helping me out by being an escort to an event I wanted to attend.  We got along, had fun, and actually started “dating” after that.

Over the course of our dating relationship, it became clear to me that when it came to certain facets of his “social standing”, I wasn’t included or introduced correctly.  Example:  he was being courted/nominated for a membership in an exclusive all male social club in his hometown.  Two things happened that should have been a warning to me.

  1.  The first time he introduced me around, he mistakenly referred to my sorority affiliation.  I realized later that my sorority was not considered one of the top “8” on campus and he was embarrassed.
  2. During the “courting” process for this club, he proposed to me and we became engaged.  However since this was the “Bachelor’s Club” of a large city in Texas and responsible for putting on a Deb Ball, he kept our engagement a secret since that would prevent him from being asked to be a member.  Clearly I was not a priority.

I was young, naive and thought I was in love, I allowed it to happen.  I can’t even blame it on low self esteem, I just bought into it for “his” sake.  As we mature, we get smarter, right?

Not so much.

Several years after my divorce, I  began a relationship with a man I’d known for years through a non-profit we sat on the Board of.  I’ve spoken of him on this site before.  I thought he was amazing; I thought I was in love.  It took me quite a while to realize he was NOT introducing me to his friends or his family, even though he had met mine.  He never took me around his work, his church, his club.  He never included me on his trips to the family ranch, or invited me along to share his “sports” or recreational activities.  You convince yourself that he doesn’t want to share his time alone with you with anyone.

You should be convincing yourself that you’re a “secret” because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s IN a relationship.  You see, if he’s perceived as being “IN” a relationship, all those other “opportunities” to meet other women will dry up.  Heaven forbid he misses the next greener pasture.

Cynical?  Yes.  We should give ourselves credit enough to realize we ARE valuable and “worth” being introduced, and taken out in public.  We should never be a secret.  It makes me feel like “the other woman”, kept in the shadows.

I am no one’s secret.

 

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Jan 22

Lesson #12

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Don’t compare your life to other’s.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.”

This one is tough for me, because the interpretation can be so many different things.

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning if you think your’s is so much worse, you have no idea what they’re really going through?

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning if you think your’s is so much better, you might have misjudged just how happy they really are?

You don’t compare your life to other’s meaning that no two life’s experiences and journeys are alike?

I feel like it’s mostly the first one, but could be any of them.

I once had a friend say in a group that “If you sit around a circle and everyone throws their problems in the middle, after looking at what everyone else is going through, you will more than likely pick yours right back up.”

I will be truthful and admit that at certain times I have been “envious” of others and wished my life to be more like theirs.  However, when we delve behind the scenes, their perfect lives are rarely what we think they are.

My 2016 quest has begun by acknowledging that I am content with who I am, proud of my accomplishments and challenged to learn even more about who I am and what I can be “when I grow up”!   My journey is mine alone, I’m learning what it is all about, and I’m so glad you’re along with me.

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Jan 13

Lesson #3

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Life is too short to waste time hating someone.”

You hear this one all the time, but boy is it hard to accomplish, especially if that someone is an ex husband who really hurt you.

I have a friend from my Divorce Recovery Group who says it this way, “Don’t give him free rent in your brain” – gotta love it!

But this statement can be about anyone whom you feel has wronged you in any way, at any time.  It’s really really hard to let go of that anger at times, especially when you see them move on so easily with their life with a smile on their face and with a much younger woman.  Or you see a friend you were really close to just walk away from your friendship as if you never mattered in the least.  Or you have a family member lie about you, take advantage of you, ignore your relationship.

The experts will tell you that the only person you are hurting with your hatred is yourself.  The other person could care less that you no longer have positive happy thoughts about them – they’re “outta there” – they have moved on without so much as an “oops, sorry, didn’t mean it”.

I can remember the first time I saw the ex with Mrs. ex and my blood turned to ice, my heart started thumping so hard I thought it surely was visible on the outside of my body.  My ears rang and my face flushed.  That was anger welling up in side me and it was all I could do to keep it there.

You soon realize that it doesn’t bother him or anyone else the way it bothers you.  Is the person who did you wrong worth wrecking your health and emotional well being over?  NO!   You need to just “Fuhgeddaboutit” or however they say it in the “Sopranos”.

Don’t waste your time thinking those darks thoughts; don’t waste your time on those hurtful people again.  Don’t give them free rent in your brain – they are SOOOOOOO not worth it.  Dig deep for that smile and start wearing it, you’ll look and feel so much better  (and get way fewer frown wrinkles) when you do.

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Jan 12

Lesson #2

by suddenlysinglewomen

Tired of me yet?  Just kidding . . . I know we can do this 45 days together and feel better about the outlook of our 2016 so here goes #2!

Lesson #2:

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

Boy can I associate with this one.  How often do we set ourselves up to fail because we set the goals too high, too far, too fast?

I have plenty of doubt, especially when trying something new.  Someone once told me that if I would “lower” my expectations, I wouldn’t be constantly disappointed.  This applies to me personally, to my ex (when we were married), my children, my friends, my hobbies, my job – you name it.

But should we have to lower our expectations?

You/We/I need a strong foundation, Rome wasn’t built in a day.  If we’re going to achieve something, then maybe we need to break it down into small manageable steps.  After all, don’t most weight loss programs tell you one pound at a time?

You don’t immediately start a free weight exercise with a 20 pound weight without working up to it.  You don’t run a marathon if you’ve never even run a single mile.

Small steps – that’s going to be my aim for making changes in my life this year.  Manageable and measurable – reminding myself to just take the next small step.

Eventually – you are/we are/I am gonna get there.  See you tomorrow!

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Dec 31

Power of Positive Thinking!!

by suddenlysinglewomen

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I saw this on a friend’s FB page.  I told her I was going to steal it!

It’s been an interesting year, full of ups and downs.  Not sure if the ups won, or the downs won, but one thing I know for sure . . . . . I have to be the one to decide how I’m going to face 2016!

I think “AMAZING” sounds pretty darn good, how ’bout you??

Heartfelt thanks for following my blog in 2015, my third year.  You’ve helped me gain insight, and kept me looking for the positives.  Here’s hoping that we all find what it is that we’re searching for with this next 366 days (it is a Leap Year remember!).

Wishing you all the BEST!  Love and Hugs to you!

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Dec 17

Holidazed? Tis the Season for Reflection

by suddenlysinglewomen

“If I cut you off… Chances are you handed me the scissors because trust is like crumpling up a piece of paper. You can smooth it over as much as you want but it will never be the same again.”

I saw this quote the other day; it was not attributed to any one person so I can’t give him/her credit – but I am sharing it.  Wow – such a visual and oh so very true!

This was the year that things were supposed to be so positive.  I welcomed a new grandson in June, everyone healthy and happy.  He joins his sister in bringing us much joy and a lot of “action”!  In September my eldest got married to a lovely young woman so I welcomed another beautiful daughter n’law into the fold.  There was much to smile about, I have the photos to prove it!!

Yet somehow it’s also been the most unsettling year.  Trust has been broken on multiple fronts and my heart has taken some major blows.  My “aloneness” has never been more in the forefront of my thoughts as it has been this year, a year that my family has actually expanded.

I have much to be thankful for; I can pay my bills, have a roof over my head, food on the table, my health and physical well being.  Why is that not enough?  Why do I keep thinking/hoping that there is more out there?  Still hanging onto the belief of happily ever after and being in love is beginning to look futile.

That said, reality is that life isn’t easy and there will always be challenges and speed bumps.  I do understand and accept that.  The things that I’m talking about here are the hits that blind side you.  I had certain assumptions about relationships that would never change, in the friends and family category, that were SO wrong.  You reach out, you keep trying and that piece of paper that holds your trust keeps getting crumpled back up and thrown back at you.  I’m so tired of trying to smooth out those wrinkles.

So yes, this year I’ve starting cutting people off.  Yes, as in the above quote, they handed me the scissors.  It’s awful, it’s painful, but in the end, if they have no problem hurting me that badly, then clearly I do not need them in my life as I continue my journey of hope and healing.  How very sad for them that they are at a point in their lives where they feel it’s OK to hurt and break trust?

Bring on 2016, it’ll be a New Year with fresh starts, new friends, changing horizons, expanding goals and hopefully I will be able to retire those scissors.

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Dating after Divorce Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Girlfriends Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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