“Time heals almost everything. Give time time.”
“Impatience” is my middle name. This one speaks LOUDLY to me.
It also doesn’t take a genius to figure this lesson out either. You cannot rush yourself through divorce recovery. You cannot rush yourself through any kind of recovery.
Do not rush yourself through life, because you will miss a lot along the way. Stopping to “smell the roses” is something I intend to do a lot more of both literally and figuratively.
I’m going to give “time” a chance!
“What other people think of you is none of your business.”
Today would’ve been my Father’s 105th birthday. Of course, I lost him long ago, in March of 1998 but his wisdom has stayed with me forever. I sometimes wonder what he’s thinking of my life’s journey as he looks down at me from up above. Does he have a good opinion of how I’m doing?
He’s visiting his elders in their heavenly nursing homes, singing in the church choir, mowing and “edging” the grass every Saturday, playing devil’s advocate in every conversation, rooting for his beloved Texas Aggies and looking for a foot massage (except we called them “rubs” back in the day!).
He would’ve given me the above advice. He was his own man. He was a man’s man. My Dad served in the Army through WWII and Korea. He was a leader of men, and gave no quarter. Mostly he minded his own business, and rarely minded anyone else’s. He lived his life and allowed others to live theirs.
Opinions of his actions were seldom, if ever, sought. To say he was self-assured is an understatement, but then again, he grew up in a much different time. There was not much of a male role model in his life, so my Granny sent him to “military academy” – back when it wasn’t a place of just troubled young men. She wanted him to have strong structure and guidance, and he got it. Served him well in his Army career, and later in his engineering career.
When we live our lives worried about what others think of us, we’re not being very good or fair to ourselves. If all we do is seek their approval and their opinion of our actions and our lives, we’re not really living for ourselves – we’re living for them.
It really isn’t my business to know the opinions others hold of me; I’m pretty sure I might be surprised. They don’t know my reality, they haven’t walked a mile in my shoes. As long as I continue to live my daily life in a physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy way, then really only my opinion should be my business.
Live your life so you have an excellent opinion of yourself! I think you’ll turn out A-OK!
We’ve crossed the half way mark on our Life’s Lessons adventure. I don’t know about how you’re feeling, but I’ve loved having “food for thought” everyday. If you’re reading this, thanks for going on this journey with me!
“No one is in charge of your happiness except you.”
Let’s say that again:
“NO ONE IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS EXCEPT YOU.”
‘Nuff said!
“The most important sex organ is the brain.”
Oh to have had this statement when my sons were teenagers!! Not implying they were sexually active, but it just says what you need to say in such a sweet succinct way!
Now that I’m single and “out there” again, it’s still such a powerful statement. Ladies, and a few gentlemen, these are different times. There are so many diseases and other consequences out there if you are sexually active. Being prepared isn’t being promiscuous, it’s being smart.
Even married, I never thought about being careful and protected because we were monogamous . . . right? WRONG! Do you know how embarrassing it was every time I learned of a new affair to have to go to the gynecologist and ask for a test for HIV/Aids?
All I think this lesson is saying is to do just that – THINK! Use your brain, protect yourself. Impulse is great if it’s having an impromptu picnic on a gorgeous spring day. Impulse when it comes to sex needs to be put in check.
Check what your true feelings for this person are.
Check whether he’s truly single (if you’re dating) or truly monogamous (if you’re married).
Check if this is the right time to be intimate or are you just feeling really lonely and this fills a hole in your heart.
Check your heart.
Check that you’re not just a booty call, trust your intuition.
Check what his intentions are, what are yours?
Your brain is a powerful tool, use it and be smart. Your heart will appreciate it.
“Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.”
Oops! I already wear purple . . . and orange . . . and bright yellow . . . and my power color: red!!
I’ve always been about color, it just makes me happy. Luckily my career choices have always been those that encourage self expression – within guidelines.
My ex, on the other hand, chose a career path that of being a CPA. Straight out of college he went to work for one of the Big 8. Over the years that has whittled down through mergers and government interference to just 4 now. The point being, if you were in an accounting firm (and probably the same for most large law firms) there was a dress code. You wore navy blue and dark grey suits. Your dress shirts were white, occasionally on a special occasion you could wear white instead. (small joke)
You could have some color with a tie (or a small neck bow if you were female) but even that was pretty limited to blues and dark reds. There was no personal creative expression allowed – you blended in.
I remember once we were headed out to a social gathering, being picked up at our house by another couple from the “firm”. The ex was already ready and pacing in the living room. I came out of the bedroom ready (with plenty of time still) dressed in what I thought was a cute ensemble appropriate for the occasion – a sporting event. He took one look at me and said, “You’re not wearing that are you?”
Don’t you just love those questions? I mean really, if you weren’t “really” wearing that, then why in the world would you have put it on?? Seriously?? But I knew the reason behind the shot across the bough, it was TOO much, TOO colorful, TOO attention getting, TOO me. After all, my roll in life was to blend in, and let all attention be focused on him.
Even now, I’m far from being what I would consider eccentric. I do however, dress for myself. If I want to be daring and wear a bright color, I do. I dress age appropriately, I don’t leave the house in anything that would embarrass my children or my parents – but I do allow myself to be “me”. And I do enjoy wearing purple!
“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.”
I had a great childhood. I was the first born and favorite daughter!! Ok, maybe I was the ONLY daughter but I was still the favorite one!
I don’t look at the “oops’s” in my life and blame it on my upbringing, my Mother, my Father or anyone else. I had probably fewer adventures than most. I never pushed the boundaries, I was a rule follower. We stuck close to home, maybe the occasional visit to relatives who all lived in state. We played outside a lot, and not with fancy toys. There was minimal TV, and then what ever program we watched was determined by my Father. Walt Disney and Bonanza come to mind.
We had one phone, kids didn’t really use it to communicate till maybe high school. Even then, since it was in the kitchen where everyone listened, there weren’t many conversations over the wires. Our conversations were face to face. The first time I was dishonest with my parents, I was a Senior in High School and it was re: a date. I got caught. Like I said, not many “adventures”!
If the second childhood is up to me, I can only hope that I do as good a job on this next one as I did on the last one! I will, however, be looking for more adventures this time around!
“Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.”
Well . . . tell me how you REALLY feel!
I see this a lot when I’m together with a group of divorced, single women. To be fair, I think we all have days like this whether we’re single and alone, or with a significant other and in a relationship. Everyone has bad days and since we do, there is the occasional pity party. That’s normal.
What is not normal is if it continues on to be the focus of your every day. We all have friends like this, the world is always sour to them. They get started on the “woe is me, poor me” and you want to throw your hands up and say stop!! (Or at least leave the room)
People like this can suck the oxygen out of the room; they are a total buzz kill. My guess is 9 times outta 10, they don’t even realize it, so mired in self pity they are.
Can you help them? Maybe. The one thing you can do for sure is make sure you’re not one of them. You reach a time when you can tell that your friends and family just don’t want to hear about it anymore. That’s a sign that they’ve moved on and they are thinking so should you.
You may not be ready to move on, but seeking a different outlet might be the best course of action. Perhaps it’s time to seek professional help? Look around you and find the positives and convince yourself to celebrate those – now that’s a party we’d all like to attend.
“If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it”.
It sounds so obvious, but when you think you’re “in love” – it’s amazing what you’ll put up with.
The first time this happened to me, it took me a while before I realized it. I was in college and dating a guy I’d met through a sorority sister of mine. The first time we “went out”, wasn’t really a date – he was helping me out by being an escort to an event I wanted to attend. We got along, had fun, and actually started “dating” after that.
Over the course of our dating relationship, it became clear to me that when it came to certain facets of his “social standing”, I wasn’t included or introduced correctly. Example: he was being courted/nominated for a membership in an exclusive all male social club in his hometown. Two things happened that should have been a warning to me.
I was young, naive and thought I was in love, I allowed it to happen. I can’t even blame it on low self esteem, I just bought into it for “his” sake. As we mature, we get smarter, right?
Not so much.
Several years after my divorce, I began a relationship with a man I’d known for years through a non-profit we sat on the Board of. I’ve spoken of him on this site before. I thought he was amazing; I thought I was in love. It took me quite a while to realize he was NOT introducing me to his friends or his family, even though he had met mine. He never took me around his work, his church, his club. He never included me on his trips to the family ranch, or invited me along to share his “sports” or recreational activities. You convince yourself that he doesn’t want to share his time alone with you with anyone.
You should be convincing yourself that you’re a “secret” because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s IN a relationship. You see, if he’s perceived as being “IN” a relationship, all those other “opportunities” to meet other women will dry up. Heaven forbid he misses the next greener pasture.
Cynical? Yes. We should give ourselves credit enough to realize we ARE valuable and “worth” being introduced, and taken out in public. We should never be a secret. It makes me feel like “the other woman”, kept in the shadows.
I am no one’s secret.
“If I cut you off… Chances are you handed me the scissors because trust is like crumpling up a piece of paper. You can smooth it over as much as you want but it will never be the same again.”
I saw this quote the other day; it was not attributed to any one person so I can’t give him/her credit – but I am sharing it. Wow – such a visual and oh so very true!
This was the year that things were supposed to be so positive. I welcomed a new grandson in June, everyone healthy and happy. He joins his sister in bringing us much joy and a lot of “action”! In September my eldest got married to a lovely young woman so I welcomed another beautiful daughter n’law into the fold. There was much to smile about, I have the photos to prove it!!
Yet somehow it’s also been the most unsettling year. Trust has been broken on multiple fronts and my heart has taken some major blows. My “aloneness” has never been more in the forefront of my thoughts as it has been this year, a year that my family has actually expanded.
I have much to be thankful for; I can pay my bills, have a roof over my head, food on the table, my health and physical well being. Why is that not enough? Why do I keep thinking/hoping that there is more out there? Still hanging onto the belief of happily ever after and being in love is beginning to look futile.
That said, reality is that life isn’t easy and there will always be challenges and speed bumps. I do understand and accept that. The things that I’m talking about here are the hits that blind side you. I had certain assumptions about relationships that would never change, in the friends and family category, that were SO wrong. You reach out, you keep trying and that piece of paper that holds your trust keeps getting crumpled back up and thrown back at you. I’m so tired of trying to smooth out those wrinkles.
So yes, this year I’ve starting cutting people off. Yes, as in the above quote, they handed me the scissors. It’s awful, it’s painful, but in the end, if they have no problem hurting me that badly, then clearly I do not need them in my life as I continue my journey of hope and healing. How very sad for them that they are at a point in their lives where they feel it’s OK to hurt and break trust?
Bring on 2016, it’ll be a New Year with fresh starts, new friends, changing horizons, expanding goals and hopefully I will be able to retire those scissors.
I know, I know – my moods and reflections on life swing back and forth about as crazy as a coiled up spring that’s been suddenly “sprung free”! Go figure! I think it’s due to my nature of always trying to find the positive, or live with hope?
If the article says it’s never too late to be happy, then of course we should believe it . . . right? But it’s such a struggle at times. Even though in the grand plan for my life, I’m sure there are valid reason’s why I’m alone right now, why none of the jokers I go out with work out, why I get to spend one more holiday season skipping parties because I hate going out alone.
I know deep down that I have many many blessings that the good Lord has granted me and I should sit back and rejoice in them. I have two amazingly wonderful and successful sons, two daughter n’laws who adore them, and two beautiful healthy grand babies!! I have two sweet rescue dogs who love me unconditionally and want nothing more than to be by my side 24/7.
Do you hear the operative number here? Every thing in my life seems to revolve around the number two – except for a relationship with a “significant other”. Do I need one to be happy? Probably not, and at this point it’s looking like I better hope not.
At the end of the day though, I have to go back to those “three C’s” that I mentioned in a much earlier post. “You didn’t cause it, you can’t change it and you can’t control it”. Life happens and I may not like it – but I do have to learn how to deal with it. I am alone right now through no fault of my own, and I’m much better off being single than married to a chronic adulterer, right? If only being happy with being alone was easier . . .
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