suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Jan 21

Lesson #11

by suddenlysinglewomen

“It’s OK to let children see you cry.”

Wow, I really lucked out on this one – if you can call it that.  My sons were 26 and 23 when their father’s adultery came to light (in their eyes, I and my friends had known about it for 4+ years).  I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through when you have young kids and they learn of a parent’s betrayal.

Seems to me this life lesson wants to humanize the drama and trauma of just being human.  Humans cry when hurt – both physically and emotionally.

When my adult sons saw/heard me cry, it was not so much from the hurt, as from the sheer frustration of the divorce process itself.  Sons do NOT like to see/hear their Mom’s cry – that much became clear.  I did my best to keep it inside – but sometimes, it just burst forth.

I understand that they don’t want to see the other parent as a cad, a mean person, totally lacking in empathy and decency.  It’s one of the main reasons I never told them while the first two affairs were going on;  I tried so hard to spare them from the truth.

Today I would handle it differently, and I would let them know what it was doing to me.  Today I would let them see me cry.  The outcome would not be any different, except I probably would have been divorced in my 40’s instead of my 50’s.

Children have a tremendous ability to recover and rise above; you can let them see you cry.  You are, after all, human.

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Jan 20

Lesson #10

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.”

I have to say, this has been written about many times in this blog, although said in different ways and mostly referring to not messing up the future.  However, every day you get up – it’s the present and you have to get through your present day before you take on your future.

Some of these are just brilliant enough to not need a lot of commentary, this is one of them.  It’s simple yet so totally true.

It’s like the earlier life lesson about not holding onto your anger.  The past is the past, it’s in the rearview mirror – be done with it.

Learn from it, embrace the mistakes made and the lessons learned.  Release the hold over your heart that the past has, and enjoy a new peace in 2016!  Can I hear an “Amen”?

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Jan 19

Lesson #9

by suddenlysinglewomen

“When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.”

Need I say more??

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Jan 18

Lesson #8

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Save for retirement, starting with your first paycheck.”

Though this (first paycheck) really doesn’t apply to some of the “older” folks who’ve been working for a while, the point is in many instances, it’s never too late to start saving.

If you don’t have a “paycheck”, your saving can be done by looking over your budget and your finances and seeing where you might cut back to “save”.

In the past year, I’ve had to start making some cuts in my spending – for many reasons.  The stock market is not helping us, the unrest in the world makes everyone nervous.  We’re all living longer, so our savings for retirement now has to go further and last longer.

No one thinks social security will be around when they need it; insurance/health costs continue to climb.  Everything costs more today than a year ago when I first really focused on cutting back.

You can do quick things like checking your data plans, cell phone plans, internet plans, cable/satellite plans.  I had a second phone line for my fax, so I got rid of it and changed to a printer that was also a scanner.  Eventually our entertainment will be streamed and cable/satellite could be a thing of the past.

These days where I live you can shop around your energy plans.  I also cook a lot more these days, sometimes doubling up and freezing meals so I can take advantage of buying some items in bulk at places like Costco.  Small steps to take that all add up.

Get creative, think outside the box and start putting it away for that eventual rainy day.

 

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Jan 17

Lesson #7

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Cry with someone.  It’s more healing than crying alone.”

I think back to the day I confirmed my worst nightmare, my husband was having an extramarital affair . . . with a friend.

I still have the tightness in my chest when I remember that day, and it’s been since Memorial Day Weekend, 2002.  At the time my two closest friends lived a block from each other.  I drove over to one of their houses, the other friend drove over.  The three of us hugged and cried and tried to understand what in the world was going on, and what I was going to do.

Empathy, compassion, anger, shock, and oh so many tears – thank goodness I had those women to cry with.  I can’t imagine what I would have done if I’d had to deal with this alone.  It was a while before those angry tears became healing tears.

No matter what the crisis is that blind sides you, don’t try to carry the burden by yourself.  Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a therapist, a member of the clergy, what matters is when you share, you realize that you’re not alone.

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Jan 16

Lesson #6

by suddenlysinglewomen

“You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.”

Boy was THAT what I was married to for 30 years.

I am not a fighter, I back away from fights.  I don’t start them, and I don’t like to be pulled into them – which mostly makes the person fighting with you try even harder.

I don’t like arguments because . . . really?  Who wins?  Give me a sports event, and yes, there is eventually a winner and therefore, a loser.  But in my opinion, in any kind of an argument, you rarely change the other person’s opinion or point of view, so probably you don’t really win, the other person just quits, gives up (or gives in).

How civilized, to agree to disagree.  The old saying “there’s two sides to every coin” can go along way here.

So the next time someone tries to draw you into a fruitless argument, just thank them for their opinion, and agree to disagree.

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Jan 15

Lesson #5

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Pay off your credit cards every month.”

Well . . . . isn’t this timely just after the holidays?

This one is a hard one, sometimes it doesn’t work out that way.  Large expenditures can occur and if you haven’t set extra (if you even have extra) $$ aside, it’s a lifeline to have an extended payment option.

For the most part though, I try not to put something on a credit card that I’m not going to be able to pay off.  Many times I pay cash or use my debit card so that I have no surprises at the end of the month.  Although really, saying the “end of the month” isn’t really accurate anymore since a lot of credit cards bill out on closing dates of their choosing.

You get the drift though, letting debt pile up is not good.  Hopefully you have a good financial person for advice, and are able to formulate a budget to keep you “within your means”.  My ex never lived within our “means” – he cared far too much about what the outside world thought of him and he desired a wealthy lifestyle.

My parents never over-extended and paid things off immediately.  The only loan was on their home, which they also paid off over 15 years.  Within my marriage, I was always uncomfortable about the amount of debt he carried.  After the divorce, I tried to budget and put $$ aside for the large expenses such as insurance, autos, healthcare, repairs, etc.  Sometimes I put aside enough, sometimes I had to fudge.

When you figure out how much you really pay “over time”, do you really want to make the credit card companies wealthier than they already are?  With the instability of the world markets and our own down stock market right now, this life lesson is even more timely.

Debt free is worry free!

 

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Jan 14

Lesson #4

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.”

Ain’t it the truth?

Haven’t we all had occasions that we found out that things we’ve done, goals we’ve accomplished, comments we’ve made – are only really that important to us?

Do you ever get the feeling that people sometimes just wanna tell you BFD?

There are times when I sit down to write this blog and I wonder if anything I say here really matters to anyone other than myself.  If this were “public speaking”, I could gauge the audience, and/or you could just walk out.

Here I have no idea whether you think I’m crazy or not.

I am coming very close to finalizing a “book deal” though, and that is a marketable, measurable tool.  Till then, I’ll “seriously” hope that this 45 day quest we’re on together does help you/me have a better and happier 2016!

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Jan 13

Lesson #3

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Life is too short to waste time hating someone.”

You hear this one all the time, but boy is it hard to accomplish, especially if that someone is an ex husband who really hurt you.

I have a friend from my Divorce Recovery Group who says it this way, “Don’t give him free rent in your brain” – gotta love it!

But this statement can be about anyone whom you feel has wronged you in any way, at any time.  It’s really really hard to let go of that anger at times, especially when you see them move on so easily with their life with a smile on their face and with a much younger woman.  Or you see a friend you were really close to just walk away from your friendship as if you never mattered in the least.  Or you have a family member lie about you, take advantage of you, ignore your relationship.

The experts will tell you that the only person you are hurting with your hatred is yourself.  The other person could care less that you no longer have positive happy thoughts about them – they’re “outta there” – they have moved on without so much as an “oops, sorry, didn’t mean it”.

I can remember the first time I saw the ex with Mrs. ex and my blood turned to ice, my heart started thumping so hard I thought it surely was visible on the outside of my body.  My ears rang and my face flushed.  That was anger welling up in side me and it was all I could do to keep it there.

You soon realize that it doesn’t bother him or anyone else the way it bothers you.  Is the person who did you wrong worth wrecking your health and emotional well being over?  NO!   You need to just “Fuhgeddaboutit” or however they say it in the “Sopranos”.

Don’t waste your time thinking those darks thoughts; don’t waste your time on those hurtful people again.  Don’t give them free rent in your brain – they are SOOOOOOO not worth it.  Dig deep for that smile and start wearing it, you’ll look and feel so much better  (and get way fewer frown wrinkles) when you do.

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Passive Agressive Behavior Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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Jan 12

Lesson #2

by suddenlysinglewomen

Tired of me yet?  Just kidding . . . I know we can do this 45 days together and feel better about the outlook of our 2016 so here goes #2!

Lesson #2:

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

Boy can I associate with this one.  How often do we set ourselves up to fail because we set the goals too high, too far, too fast?

I have plenty of doubt, especially when trying something new.  Someone once told me that if I would “lower” my expectations, I wouldn’t be constantly disappointed.  This applies to me personally, to my ex (when we were married), my children, my friends, my hobbies, my job – you name it.

But should we have to lower our expectations?

You/We/I need a strong foundation, Rome wasn’t built in a day.  If we’re going to achieve something, then maybe we need to break it down into small manageable steps.  After all, don’t most weight loss programs tell you one pound at a time?

You don’t immediately start a free weight exercise with a 20 pound weight without working up to it.  You don’t run a marathon if you’ve never even run a single mile.

Small steps – that’s going to be my aim for making changes in my life this year.  Manageable and measurable – reminding myself to just take the next small step.

Eventually – you are/we are/I am gonna get there.  See you tomorrow!

Divorce Recovery Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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