suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Lesson #8

“Save for retirement, starting with your first paycheck.”

Though this (first paycheck) really doesn’t apply to some of the “older” folks who’ve been working for a while, the point is in many instances, it’s never too late to start saving.

If you don’t have a “paycheck”, your saving can be done by looking over your budget and your finances and seeing where you might cut back to “save”.

In the past year, I’ve had to start making some cuts in my spending – for many reasons.  The stock market is not helping us, the unrest in the world makes everyone nervous.  We’re all living longer, so our savings for retirement now has to go further and last longer.

No one thinks social security will be around when they need it; insurance/health costs continue to climb.  Everything costs more today than a year ago when I first really focused on cutting back.

You can do quick things like checking your data plans, cell phone plans, internet plans, cable/satellite plans.  I had a second phone line for my fax, so I got rid of it and changed to a printer that was also a scanner.  Eventually our entertainment will be streamed and cable/satellite could be a thing of the past.

These days where I live you can shop around your energy plans.  I also cook a lot more these days, sometimes doubling up and freezing meals so I can take advantage of buying some items in bulk at places like Costco.  Small steps to take that all add up.

Get creative, think outside the box and start putting it away for that eventual rainy day.

 

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Lesson #7

“Cry with someone.  It’s more healing than crying alone.”

I think back to the day I confirmed my worst nightmare, my husband was having an extramarital affair . . . with a friend.

I still have the tightness in my chest when I remember that day, and it’s been since Memorial Day Weekend, 2002.  At the time my two closest friends lived a block from each other.  I drove over to one of their houses, the other friend drove over.  The three of us hugged and cried and tried to understand what in the world was going on, and what I was going to do.

Empathy, compassion, anger, shock, and oh so many tears – thank goodness I had those women to cry with.  I can’t imagine what I would have done if I’d had to deal with this alone.  It was a while before those angry tears became healing tears.

No matter what the crisis is that blind sides you, don’t try to carry the burden by yourself.  Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a therapist, a member of the clergy, what matters is when you share, you realize that you’re not alone.

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Lesson #6

“You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.”

Boy was THAT what I was married to for 30 years.

I am not a fighter, I back away from fights.  I don’t start them, and I don’t like to be pulled into them – which mostly makes the person fighting with you try even harder.

I don’t like arguments because . . . really?  Who wins?  Give me a sports event, and yes, there is eventually a winner and therefore, a loser.  But in my opinion, in any kind of an argument, you rarely change the other person’s opinion or point of view, so probably you don’t really win, the other person just quits, gives up (or gives in).

How civilized, to agree to disagree.  The old saying “there’s two sides to every coin” can go along way here.

So the next time someone tries to draw you into a fruitless argument, just thank them for their opinion, and agree to disagree.

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Lesson #5

“Pay off your credit cards every month.”

Well . . . . isn’t this timely just after the holidays?

This one is a hard one, sometimes it doesn’t work out that way.  Large expenditures can occur and if you haven’t set extra (if you even have extra) $$ aside, it’s a lifeline to have an extended payment option.

For the most part though, I try not to put something on a credit card that I’m not going to be able to pay off.  Many times I pay cash or use my debit card so that I have no surprises at the end of the month.  Although really, saying the “end of the month” isn’t really accurate anymore since a lot of credit cards bill out on closing dates of their choosing.

You get the drift though, letting debt pile up is not good.  Hopefully you have a good financial person for advice, and are able to formulate a budget to keep you “within your means”.  My ex never lived within our “means” – he cared far too much about what the outside world thought of him and he desired a wealthy lifestyle.

My parents never over-extended and paid things off immediately.  The only loan was on their home, which they also paid off over 15 years.  Within my marriage, I was always uncomfortable about the amount of debt he carried.  After the divorce, I tried to budget and put $$ aside for the large expenses such as insurance, autos, healthcare, repairs, etc.  Sometimes I put aside enough, sometimes I had to fudge.

When you figure out how much you really pay “over time”, do you really want to make the credit card companies wealthier than they already are?  With the instability of the world markets and our own down stock market right now, this life lesson is even more timely.

Debt free is worry free!

 

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Lesson #4

“Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.”

Ain’t it the truth?

Haven’t we all had occasions that we found out that things we’ve done, goals we’ve accomplished, comments we’ve made – are only really that important to us?

Do you ever get the feeling that people sometimes just wanna tell you BFD?

There are times when I sit down to write this blog and I wonder if anything I say here really matters to anyone other than myself.  If this were “public speaking”, I could gauge the audience, and/or you could just walk out.

Here I have no idea whether you think I’m crazy or not.

I am coming very close to finalizing a “book deal” though, and that is a marketable, measurable tool.  Till then, I’ll “seriously” hope that this 45 day quest we’re on together does help you/me have a better and happier 2016!

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Lesson #3

Life is too short to waste time hating someone.”

You hear this one all the time, but boy is it hard to accomplish, especially if that someone is an ex husband who really hurt you.

I have a friend from my Divorce Recovery Group who says it this way, “Don’t give him free rent in your brain” – gotta love it!

But this statement can be about anyone whom you feel has wronged you in any way, at any time.  It’s really really hard to let go of that anger at times, especially when you see them move on so easily with their life with a smile on their face and with a much younger woman.  Or you see a friend you were really close to just walk away from your friendship as if you never mattered in the least.  Or you have a family member lie about you, take advantage of you, ignore your relationship.

The experts will tell you that the only person you are hurting with your hatred is yourself.  The other person could care less that you no longer have positive happy thoughts about them – they’re “outta there” – they have moved on without so much as an “oops, sorry, didn’t mean it”.

I can remember the first time I saw the ex with Mrs. ex and my blood turned to ice, my heart started thumping so hard I thought it surely was visible on the outside of my body.  My ears rang and my face flushed.  That was anger welling up in side me and it was all I could do to keep it there.

You soon realize that it doesn’t bother him or anyone else the way it bothers you.  Is the person who did you wrong worth wrecking your health and emotional well being over?  NO!   You need to just “Fuhgeddaboutit” or however they say it in the “Sopranos”.

Don’t waste your time thinking those darks thoughts; don’t waste your time on those hurtful people again.  Don’t give them free rent in your brain – they are SOOOOOOO not worth it.  Dig deep for that smile and start wearing it, you’ll look and feel so much better  (and get way fewer frown wrinkles) when you do.

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Lesson #2

Tired of me yet?  Just kidding . . . I know we can do this 45 days together and feel better about the outlook of our 2016 so here goes #2!

Lesson #2:

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

Boy can I associate with this one.  How often do we set ourselves up to fail because we set the goals too high, too far, too fast?

I have plenty of doubt, especially when trying something new.  Someone once told me that if I would “lower” my expectations, I wouldn’t be constantly disappointed.  This applies to me personally, to my ex (when we were married), my children, my friends, my hobbies, my job – you name it.

But should we have to lower our expectations?

You/We/I need a strong foundation, Rome wasn’t built in a day.  If we’re going to achieve something, then maybe we need to break it down into small manageable steps.  After all, don’t most weight loss programs tell you one pound at a time?

You don’t immediately start a free weight exercise with a 20 pound weight without working up to it.  You don’t run a marathon if you’ve never even run a single mile.

Small steps – that’s going to be my aim for making changes in my life this year.  Manageable and measurable – reminding myself to just take the next small step.

Eventually – you are/we are/I am gonna get there.  See you tomorrow!

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45 Days of Positive Directions! Can You Do It??

New Year’s Resolutions.  You make ’em, you break ’em.  Sometimes you actually make a change, sometimes and more often (like all those weight loss promises) you give up.  But what if you break it down?  What if they become more easily attainable?  Why do we set ourselves up repeatedly for failure?  I’m going to try something new and you all are my unwitting victims, or should I say test subjects?

This will be tough on me too – I promise.

I recently was forwarded a message containing these 45 Life Lessons by one of the MOST “together and positive” ladies that I know.  I kid you not, I’ve never heard her say a negative word, never not (my favorite double negative) seen a smile on her face.  She is one of those!!

I told her I was going to share this, and thanked her for the inspiration.  You see, you all ARE my inspirations because I want and wish for all of us in 2016 that we become the best versions of ourselves possible.

So for the next 45 days I’m going to be sending you, once a day, one each day, a “life lesson” to think about.  Get ready inbox, I don’t usually punish you like this, and you may get tired of me but hey – – – that’s what the delete button is for.

Some days I might throw in how that day’s life lesson has changed or altered my life, some days I might just list it and let you think on it.  If you have thoughts, please share them but at least you’ll know I’m working hard at being a better person for you all, and mostly for me.

Credit given where credit is due.  These are taken from New York Times bestselling author Regina Brett, who wrote “God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours”.

Stick with me!!

Lesson 1:

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

Some of you may disagree, but within the larger picture of MY 62 years, I would have to agree.  Looking back at the curve balls and sliders that life has pitched at me, I can willingly say that for the most part – it has been good.

I have good health, I can pay my bills and even, at times and with careful planning do extra fun wonderful things.  I have two incredibly talented and intelligent sons, married to two beautiful women who adore them.  I have (at this point!) two beautiful and healthy grandchildren and scores of real friends that I know I can count on.

There are times, yes, that my aloneness haunts me – and I wonder if I’ll ever enjoy a true love match in the time I have left on this earth.  But if I had to ascend to heaven tomorrow without notice, I would be proud of what I’ve accomplished and tell you that my life IS good.

So when I start to think that life isn’t fair, and that self pity fairy starts circling my head – in 2016 I promise myself that I will know that even if that fairy lands, I can shake her off because 95% of the time, my life is still pretty durned good.

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Power of Positive Thinking!!

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I saw this on a friend’s FB page.  I told her I was going to steal it!

It’s been an interesting year, full of ups and downs.  Not sure if the ups won, or the downs won, but one thing I know for sure . . . . . I have to be the one to decide how I’m going to face 2016!

I think “AMAZING” sounds pretty darn good, how ’bout you??

Heartfelt thanks for following my blog in 2015, my third year.  You’ve helped me gain insight, and kept me looking for the positives.  Here’s hoping that we all find what it is that we’re searching for with this next 366 days (it is a Leap Year remember!).

Wishing you all the BEST!  Love and Hugs to you!

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Holidazed? Tis the Season for Reflection

“If I cut you off… Chances are you handed me the scissors because trust is like crumpling up a piece of paper. You can smooth it over as much as you want but it will never be the same again.”

I saw this quote the other day; it was not attributed to any one person so I can’t give him/her credit – but I am sharing it.  Wow – such a visual and oh so very true!

This was the year that things were supposed to be so positive.  I welcomed a new grandson in June, everyone healthy and happy.  He joins his sister in bringing us much joy and a lot of “action”!  In September my eldest got married to a lovely young woman so I welcomed another beautiful daughter n’law into the fold.  There was much to smile about, I have the photos to prove it!!

Yet somehow it’s also been the most unsettling year.  Trust has been broken on multiple fronts and my heart has taken some major blows.  My “aloneness” has never been more in the forefront of my thoughts as it has been this year, a year that my family has actually expanded.

I have much to be thankful for; I can pay my bills, have a roof over my head, food on the table, my health and physical well being.  Why is that not enough?  Why do I keep thinking/hoping that there is more out there?  Still hanging onto the belief of happily ever after and being in love is beginning to look futile.

That said, reality is that life isn’t easy and there will always be challenges and speed bumps.  I do understand and accept that.  The things that I’m talking about here are the hits that blind side you.  I had certain assumptions about relationships that would never change, in the friends and family category, that were SO wrong.  You reach out, you keep trying and that piece of paper that holds your trust keeps getting crumpled back up and thrown back at you.  I’m so tired of trying to smooth out those wrinkles.

So yes, this year I’ve starting cutting people off.  Yes, as in the above quote, they handed me the scissors.  It’s awful, it’s painful, but in the end, if they have no problem hurting me that badly, then clearly I do not need them in my life as I continue my journey of hope and healing.  How very sad for them that they are at a point in their lives where they feel it’s OK to hurt and break trust?

Bring on 2016, it’ll be a New Year with fresh starts, new friends, changing horizons, expanding goals and hopefully I will be able to retire those scissors.

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