suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Oct 27

A “Share” From One of the “Smilingest” People I Know!

by suddenlysinglewomen
A while back, I got an email from my sweet friend CS with a great “share” idea!  We all want to smile, we all want to be happy.  So maybe below, might be a few ways to help us find our smile again!

 

WHAT IS THE MOST OBVIOUS BEAUTY SECRET OF ALL?

Is the beauty “secret” we take for granted, the one we struggle with and the one we rely on others for, on top of your list?

I am thinking it is happiness, with a capital H.

 

Happiness is directly related to inner beauty and our inner beauty is what truly makes us shine.

It is easy to take happiness as a given and it’s not; it is not something we should ever rely on.  Life is messy and unpredictable every single day and we never know what might be coming our way. Our “guaranteed” happiness can be snuffed out in an instant.

 

What is important to know is happiness will re-appear but it might not happen alone. It is a work in progress and like most of what is worth pursuing, it takes practise.

 

Some people would seem to be born with a penchant for happiness.

They make happy look effortless as if cares and troubles are not on their radar. It’s not true; everyone has problems, tragedies and disappointments to overcome. We are not immune and it is a question of how we deal with darkness that makes or breaks.

 

The simple pleasure of feeling happy can oftentimes seem to be unattainable, but in my experience, all it takes is a little know-how and dedication.

 

How do we re-discover happiness?

 

Happiness starts with ourselves.

It is important to look within to find our own contentment and ultimate joy and we cannot depend on others to do the work for us. I try and reconnect with old pleasures that brought a smile in the past; it is so easy to forget when they are lost in the layers of everyday life. Once we understand our own happiness we can share it with others and pay it forward. It is a quality that has no bounds and no limits and truly, more is more.

 

Happiness is not a given.

We won’t necessarily wake up happy each and every day. Life intervenes and moods can swing and good spirits can require routine and perseverance. Expectations should be realistic so we don’t set ourselves up for disappointment. It is okay to have a bad day, a day where nothing seems promising. The art is to recognise, define and accept those feelings and to be aware they will not be permanent.

 

Happiness is about the practical.

A problem solved is one way to feeling happier. Losing the weight of worry can help us channel our brighter feelings. Dealing with problems and compartmentalising, so they don’t suck the positivity from our lives, is an important skill.

 

I find exercise is one way to relieve stress and allow happiness its rightful place. The other is to spoil ourselves in ways that please; to do what you enjoy not what you think you should be doing. Read the romance novel if it brings a smile, the Economist can wait. Watch the latest TV series in a binge; the housekeeping is going nowhere. Treat yourself in small ways and see huge effects. Use escapism to re-set the balance and recover some light heartedness, remembering it is a short-term fix.

 

Happiness breeds happiness.

Spending time with others who are upbeat is like an injection of positivity and nothing feels better than being around happy, I find it is infectious. The opposite can be said for those who view the glass half full.

 

Happiness in small bites.

Happiness does not always come super sized, life does not allow for that. Take the small wins and be thankful for those. We need happiness to be attainable, not elusive. There is much to be gained from small blessings.

 

Happiness and appreciation.

We can appreciate the beauty around us or we can ignore it. I choose to appreciate the beauty in the everyday and I acknowledge some days are harder than others. The smallest glimpse can elevate our mood and release happiness. It may be fleeting at times, but in my view it all counts. It is about riches but not about wealth. I have known those with so much who have so little and those with so little who have so much. I try and believe if we are grateful for the small, the rest will follow.

 

 

Happiness, there is no better feeling. xv

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Oct 20

Part Five – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

The last of the attitude posts is one that will be harder to put into words, so bear with me.

Replace a rebellious attitude, with an attitude of submission.

In the book, they refer to six sources of rebellion.  However you choose to think of “rebellion” it could be something as juvenile as a two year old’s temper tantrum, or as significant as the overthrow of a government.  However you see rebellion – it’s certainly nothing close to laying down and always going with the “status quo”.

6 Sources of Rebellion as defined in the book are;

Jealousy

Delusion

Ungratefulness

Stubbornness

Disappointment

Distrust

Yes, I’ve had all those feelings at one time or another although I don’t see myself as being particularly rebellious.

I was the good kid, I did not go out of my way ever, to upset the apple cart.  As a parent, I was the kid you wanted.   I lied to my parents once in High School, about who I was going out with one night, and got caught.  Go figure.  Just wasn’t worth “the look” I got of utter disappointment.

But then life catches up with you as you get older, and things don’t always go your way.   OK, things rarely go completely your way!  That is when I can identify with the six sources of rebellion listed above.

Life’s challenges are going to get you when you least expect them.  Will we give the attitude of submission a try?  Hmmmmm?

The author says:  “Submission, when properly understood and applied, replaces the pain and strife of rebellion and greatly increases human happiness.”

I think the best way for me to understand this submission thing, is to look at it as a way of not upsetting the apple cart.  I’m not saying not to have free will, or submit to overbearing or (heaven forbid) illegal things.  I look at it more like James MacDonald explains:

“Be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit.  In a word, submissive – finding your place of humility and cooperation under the influence of others.”

Wasn’t it Sesame Street who asked us, “Can’t we all just get along?”

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Oct 11

Part Four – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Replace a doubting attitude, with an attitude of faith!

Faith – sometimes you feel like it leaves you.  You begin to doubt everything that you learned growing up, because most likely few of us have the lives today we thought we were going to.

Am I right?

My Father and I had a special relationship.  He was my hero, I miss him every day.  If he said he was going to do something, and the creek didn’t rise, he did it.  You could count on him and I did.  I never had any doubt in him.

Doubt was something that entered my life in college.  Was I good enough?  Was I smart enough?  Would I get a job?  Could I support myself?  He had always been my rock and my foundation making sure to bolster my self confidence and make me believe in myself.

As an adult, doubt enters your life many times – and suddenly your hero isn’t there for you any more.  Others that you depend on let you down, you fell abandoned.  You lose faith in all you were taught to believe in.

I’ve had the chance over the past ten years to face my doubts, and to re-establish my faith, both in people and in my own spirituality.  Don’t get me wrong, people will still let me down.  The difference is now I have the faith to move past those disappointments.  I have the faith that I am going to be alright!

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Sep 23

Part Two – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

Continuing on from the Book:

“Lord, Change My Attitude Before It’s Too Late”

OK – tell the truth, have you been thinking of the things you’re grateful/thankful for?  Hope so!

Here’s the second installment!

Replace a Covetous Attitude with an Attitude of Contentment!

Covet, kind of an old fashioned word.  Synonymous with envy?  I googled it and found this:

“Covetous, greedy, acquisitive, grasping, avaricious mean having or showing a strong desire for especially material possessions.  Covetous implies inordinate desire often for another’s possessions.”

Strong words – makes me picture a snarling and drooling wild hound.  You get the drift though.  It’s never being happy with what you have.  It’s a “have not’s” kind of jealousy of the “have’s”.  I admit that I sometimes used to covet the loving relationships that some of my friends have with their husbands or significant others.  Does that make me a bad person?  No, probably just makes me a “real” person.  It also doesn’t get me anywhere toward the goal of being a happy person.

Contentment with what you have is something I think you acquire the older and wiser you get.  You learn that “things” don’t make you happy.  You learn that “people” don’t have the responsibility to make you happy.  YOU make you happy.

Sure, who doesn’t want to get that new pair of shoes you saw in the magazine, but when you have plenty of shoes already – shouldn’t you be content?  Looking around the world today, I’m often reminded of just how content I should be with the freedoms of this country, the friends and family who care for me, the pantry and fridge that are full of nutrition for my body, the resources that allow me to pay my bills and have a roof over my head, the nature that is food for my soul.

It’s not quite as fun as High School graduation was, but I can say that I have graduated.  I can feel the contentment settle over me every day now.  I may not have chosen the status of divorced single woman of a “certain” age approaching the age medicare – but it gave me the opportunity to learn how to be a content woman – and that’s worth all the tea in China!

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Aug 28

Chick Flick

by suddenlysinglewomen

Chick Flicks!  We all have our favorites, most of them end “happily ever after”, or at least “happy”?

They’re the ones that you could never get your husband/date/significant other to go see with you at the theater, so you waited to go with a group of gal pals, or just waited to see it on HBO, or Showtime, or Netflix.

I watched one of these the other night, and it so reminded me of my life, and how a group of women “function” many times.  It has best friends, and three generations of women characters.  It had it’s fun parts, it’s sad parts, it’s silly parts, and it’s poignant moments.  So just thought I would throw it out there in case you’ve never seen it.

“The Women”

It has a great ensemble cast of women such as Meg Ryan, Candice Bergen and Annette Bening. After I watched it, I realized thinking back that there were never any men in the scenes.  Or if there were, I don’t remember them.  They’re always “implied”.  The movie is all about the relationships and interactions of the women.

So next time you don’t have plans and have an evening “in” to fill, add this one to your watch list.  I think you’ll enjoy it!  And hopefully you’ll appreciate all those wonderful women you have in your life, like I do.

 

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Aug 17

Chicken Soup – Third Share

by suddenlysinglewomen

This will be the last share, there are so many, but I also have so many others things to offer here that I’m going to move on after this one.

Chapter 100, pages 338-340 by Tena Beth Thompson:

“When I was newly divorced, I found life scary and intimidating.  At first, I felt I was being punished, but in reality I was given the opportunity to find myself and create a new life.  I had no idea where it would take me, but I was ready to take the leap.  Although I was frightened to travel in a new direction, it was also exciting to ponder my options.  I didn’t know exactly what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want:  the old me.  I was not the same person I had misplaced all those years ago.  Prior to this time, my epitaph could have read, “She died without ever having lived.”  Thankfully, that would no longer be the case. I was now strong and embraced the courage I never knew I had.”

This can be your view no matter what has occurred to alter your “life as you knew it”.

I went from being a daughter, to a wife, to a mother.  I was never just me.  There were times I was made to feel like being “me” wasn’t good enough, or a part of “the plan” – even though I had very little input into that same plan.

Now I make the plan.  Now I can be “me”.  I have been given the gift of a new beginning and as it said on the cover of this book – I will “thrive”.  It’s not without it’s challenges, and scary times, but I’m going to be happier and stronger than ever before!

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Aug 8

More Chicken Soup . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

Here’s another share of a portion of the book I mentioned in the previous blog post:

“Chicken Soup for the Soul – Divorce and Recovery”, although as I pointed out, these excerpts that I share here can relate to many different circumstances that we all face.  It’s all about being the very best version of ourselves that we can be.  They use the word “thrive” – and I like that concept alot.  So here goes another, . . .

Chapter 79, pages 263-266 as shared by:  Deborah Batt.

“Years of caring for others had caused me to ignore my own needs.  Oddly enough, I came to the realization that I did in fact have needs.  I needed to feel warmth and love.  I needed to feel accepted and that I somehow belonged.  I needed to feel respected and honored.  I needed to feel happy and content.  But, most of all I needed to feel that the one person in the whole world who should love me the most would love me the most, regardless of the mistakes that I’ve made.  Someone who could accept my faults and praise my strengths and make me feel everyday that I was the best that I could be.”

Now doesn’t that apply to almost any situation?  Not just divorce, but the need to feel valued by those around us?

I hope for you that you have those people in your life that make you feel valuable, and loved for who your are.  The others just aren’t worth your time . . .

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Jul 31

Chicken Soup – Good For What Ails You?

by suddenlysinglewomen

The next few posts will be from a book I just recently found during my “purge” phase of cleaning out.

Yes, I’m one of those old school types that still likes to read an actual book printed on paper.  I do have a Kindle, and I have good intentions of using it!  Still, I thought it would be wise to read all the hardback/paperbacks that I’ve accumulated and then be able to donate those or add to the neighborhood “free library”!

So the latest book I unearthed is “Chicken Soup for the Soul – Divorce and Recovery”.  Even though my divorce was almost ten years ago, the word “recovery” in the title encouraged me to take a quick look at it.  I feel that I am recovered, worked hard to get there/here.  It says on the cover that it has “101 Stories About Surviving and Thriving after Divorce”.

Well . . . who doesn’t want to thrive, right?

I have friends who will not read my book, or follow my blog because they think it’s only about divorce, and that it’s only negative.  They couldn’t be more wrong.  Funny, if I had a friend who had written a book, or toiled away with a blog to try to help others, I’d buy it, or follow it, just to be supportive.  After all, if you don’t agree with the blog, or don’t want to always read it, just delete it from the inbox, . . . simple.  The support is the important thing.  But I digress, . . .

So I would like to share some of the things in the book that I really liked, and they can apply to many situations – not just divorce.

The authors/compilers are Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen and Patty Hansen.

From Chapter 50, pages 165-166 T’Mara Goodsell says:

“At a time in my life when I feel stranded and alone, some friends make a point of “checking in” to see how I’m doing, and some make sure the children and I always have plans for the holidays.  

There are the friends who know how to be there, and the friends who know how to listen.  There are those who offer perspective and ones who know how to be silly.  There are the ones who – bless their hearts! – are willing to rearrange their schedules in order to make precious time for me, all because they know just how valuable a real friend is.  

Most amazing of all are the friends who teach me (usually by example, like the gentlest and wisest of teachers) how to forgive.  

Every single one of them teaches me that even in the darkest of days, I can always make out the shapes of happiness if I strain enough to see.  They teach me that not every relationship lasts a lifetime – but that we will always have a lifetime of relationships.  

If anyone were to ask me what helps most in a divorce, I would tell them: friends.  Good friends.  They teach me that when I ask for a miracle to help me through the rough spots, I get friends who help me through the rough spots instead.  And that makes them the miracle I needed all along.”

Am I being that kind of friend?  I hope so, I surely do.

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Jul 7

Each Day A Gift – Up To You How To Spend It?

by suddenlysinglewomen

Rumored to have been found in the wallet of Coach Paul Bear Bryant on his death in 1982, whether it was or not, it’s still a good thing to share and “ponder”.  How will you spend it today?

The Magic Bank Account

Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest: 
Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use.
However, this prize has Rules:
The set of Rules:
 
1. Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you.
 
2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
 
3. You may only spend it.
 
4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.
 
5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time, it can say, Game Over!” It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.
 
What would you personally do?
 
You would buy anything and everything you wanted right?  Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for.  Even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t possibly spend it all on yourself, right?
 
You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?
 
ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL…   Shocked ???    YES!
 
Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE*. We just can’t seem to see it
 
The PRIZE is *TIME*
 
1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of Life.
 
2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is not credited to us.
 
3. What we haven’t used up that day is forever lost.
 
4. Yesterday is forever gone.
 
5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING…
 
SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?
 
Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars.  
Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.
 
So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!
 
Here’s wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day.
Start spending….
 
“DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT GROWING OLD !”
 
SOME PEOPLE DON’T GET THE PRIVILEGE!

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Jun 30

Safe Fourth of July Everyone!

by suddenlysinglewomen

As I write this, I’m sitting here looking out my window at my summery flower garden!  Things are really starting to bloom and the colors are profuse.  My favorite view.  Many red geraniums look great with the small American flags I put out in the flower pots, and along the flower beds every year at his time!

While it’s a pretty view, it’s filled with sadness this week because on Monday I had to put down one of my Shepherds.  He was a rescue, and had been my very first foster.  He was adopted three times and returned three times.  I finally got the memo that in HIS mind, he’d already found his perfect home.   Every time I delivered him to his new adoptive family, and came back home without him, my female shepherd (also a rescue) would look at me like . . . . “where is he?”  “What have you done with my friend?”  To say they were a bonded pair is an understatement.

She did the same thing Monday afternoon when I came back from the vet’s office, and is still searching the house for him.  I think the last time I cried this much was during my divorce process.  Since that was ten years ago, I’ve been storing up alot of waterworks.

One of the flower beds has white iris blooming – they were from my grandmother’s garden originally, then transferred to my mother’s garden, then to mine.  When I receive his ashes, they will go there, and also down by the river below the house where my pair loved to walk.  It’s a huge loss, and a hole in my heart.

Having a husband walk out on you forces you to make many changes; there is such turmoil and unhappiness and loss that you have to figure out how to live with.  It’s like a shot gun blast to the gut and it takes a long while sometimes to put all those pieces of yourself back together.  You think you will never feel normal again, but you will.  I now have a freedom that I never experienced before – a freedom to be “me”.

What I’m realizing now is that while I was grieving in 2006-2007 after the loss of 30 years of marriage, what I was losing was a person who put conditions on his affections.  Losing my big ol’ goofy boy Blanco is losing an UNconditional love.   Even when I fussed at him, he would look at me with such gratitude for saving him from the streets as a stray.

I have appreciated this week that he was the one that did the saving.   He saved me, he put his paw print on my heart and brought such healing to my soul.  Both of my Shepherds have done that – given me their unconditional devotion and affection.  If you have pets, you probably understand exactly what I’m talking about.

I only got to have B in my life for 8 years, but those have been some of the best years of my life.  We grew in confidence together, we gave each other purpose and unconditional love.  So these next days while we as a nation celebrate the birth of our great country, I will also be celebrating the birth of my new “post divorce” life and how much I’ve grown in the past ten years.  I will be thankful for my freedom, and thankful for the love I was offered by a 100 pound white giant of a dog – who will forever remain in my heart.

Happy Fourth of July!

Divorce Recovery Finding Happiness as a Single Woman Fresh Starts Life after Divorce Surviving Divorce Women's Lives after Divorce

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