suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Feb 4

Lesson #25

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Forgive everyone everything.”

I’m really glad they waited half way through their list before they hit me with this one.

I used to tell people that the personalities of my spouse and I were so different.  When it came to anger or being mad, he’d explode, get it all out of his system then move on.  I pouted, sulked, took names and kept score.

Forgiveness is something we all want, so why is it so very hard to give?

Flash back to the life lesson telling you not to hold onto your anger because it only hurts you.  Not forgiving someone is also only hurting yourself.  Keeping it all inside and letting it fester is an open wound.  The more important thing to me is not the “how” you get it done, but the “when”.

It’s also an action that happens at your own pace.  My mind told me after my husband’s first affair that the only way to work it out, and stay together, was for me to be able to forgive his infidelity.  My heart said, “Say what?” –  but I worked on it, it was tough, and eventually I got there.

And then he goes and does it again . . . so I worked on it again, harder.

Forgiving him isn’t saying what he did was alright, or that it didn’t matter.  Forgiveness is not giving the person who hurt you an excuse, or a get outta jail card free.  Forgiveness freed me to move on and become a better, happier, healthier person.  Forgiveness is a “work in progress” – but it won’t progress unless you actually try it, embrace it, and give it a chance.

 

 

 

 

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Feb 3

Lesson #24

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Frame every so-called disaster with these words:  In five years, will this matter?”

Guess it would depend on the so-called disaster.

A friend spills wine on my rug and just looks at me with an “Oh, was that me?” look on her face and makes no move to clean it up?  Yes, that’s a disaster of the moment, but certainly won’t matter to me in five years (assuming it’s not red wine and ruins the carpet).  Seriously, it’s upsetting at the time, but doesn’t alter the course of my life.

My ex sister-in-law lost both her husband unexpectedly, and a couple of months later, her house to a tornado, in the same year.  Now that would be a disaster that would still matter in five years.  Her house has been rebuilt, but will her life ever be the same?

What used to matter to me has really changed since my divorce.  I hazard a guess (as I gracefully grow older) that even without the divorce, some of those things would have mattered less and less anymore.  Our priorities change, our needs change and hopefully our graciousness over how we handle “so-called disasters” grows.

This life lesson falls under the category of:  Don’t sweat the small stuff!

 

 

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Feb 2

Lesson #23

by suddenlysinglewomen

We’ve crossed the half way mark on our Life’s Lessons adventure.  I don’t know about how you’re feeling, but I’ve loved having “food for thought” everyday.  If you’re reading this, thanks for going on this journey with me!

“No one is in charge of your happiness except you.”

Let’s say that again:

“NO ONE IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS EXCEPT YOU.”

‘Nuff said!

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Feb 1

Lesson #22

by suddenlysinglewomen

“The most important sex organ is the brain.”

Oh to have had this statement when my sons were teenagers!!  Not implying they were sexually active, but it just says what you need to say in such a sweet succinct way!

Now that I’m single and “out there” again, it’s still such a powerful statement.  Ladies, and a few gentlemen, these are different times.  There are so many diseases and other consequences out there if you are sexually active.  Being prepared isn’t being promiscuous, it’s being smart.

Even married, I never thought about being careful and protected because we were monogamous . . . right?  WRONG!  Do you know how embarrassing it was every time I learned of a new affair to have to go to the gynecologist and ask for a test for HIV/Aids?

All I think this lesson is saying is to do just that – THINK!  Use your brain, protect yourself.  Impulse is great if it’s having an impromptu picnic on a gorgeous spring day.  Impulse when it comes to sex needs to be put in check.

Check what your true feelings for this person are.

Check whether he’s truly single (if you’re dating) or truly monogamous (if you’re married).

Check if this is the right time to be intimate or are you just feeling really lonely and this fills a hole in your heart.

Check your heart.

Check that you’re not just a booty call, trust your intuition.

Check what his intentions are, what are yours?

Your brain is a powerful tool, use it and be smart.  Your heart will appreciate it.

 

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Jan 31

Lesson # 21

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.”

Oops!  I already wear purple . . . and orange . . . and bright yellow . . .  and my power color: red!!

I’ve always been about color, it just makes me happy.  Luckily my career choices have always been those that encourage self expression – within guidelines.

My ex, on the other hand, chose a career path that of being a CPA.  Straight out of college he went to work for one of the Big 8.  Over the years that has whittled down through mergers and government interference to just 4 now. The point being, if you were in an accounting firm (and probably the same for most large law firms) there was a dress code.  You wore navy blue and dark grey suits.  Your dress shirts were white, occasionally on a special occasion you could wear white instead.  (small joke)

You could have some color with a tie (or a small neck bow if you were female) but even that was pretty limited to blues and dark reds.  There was no personal creative expression allowed – you blended in.

I remember once we were headed out to a social gathering, being picked up at our house by another couple from the “firm”.  The ex was already ready and pacing in the living room.  I came out of the bedroom ready (with plenty of time still) dressed in what I thought was a cute ensemble appropriate for the occasion – a sporting event.  He took one look at me and said, “You’re not wearing that are you?”

Don’t you just love those questions?  I mean really, if you weren’t “really” wearing that, then why in the world would you have put it on??  Seriously??  But I knew the reason behind the shot across the bough, it was TOO much, TOO colorful, TOO attention getting, TOO me.  After all, my roll in life was to blend in, and let all attention be focused on him.

Even now, I’m far from being what I would consider eccentric.  I do however, dress for myself.  If I want to be daring and wear a bright color, I do.  I dress age appropriately, I don’t leave the house in anything that would embarrass my children or my parents – but I do allow myself to be “me”.  And I do enjoy wearing purple!

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Jan 30

Lesson #20

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Overprepare, then go with the flow.”

I definitely over prepare, I try to think of every contingency just to be on the safe side.  Sometimes, life still throws a monkey wrench into the works and best laid plans bust apart.  That said, I am, always have been, and probably always will be a planner and a preparer!

How nice it would be to “go with the flow”, certainly much less stressful.  I suppose what this lesson is telling us is that if we are overly prepared, then we’ll be able to sit back, assess and “go with the flow?”

I’m reminded of a conversation years ago with a woman lauding her son for wanting to be his own person and go against the flow.  Sometimes though, she warned him:  “It’s OK if you’re marching to the beat of a different drummer, unless you turn around and EVERYONE is going the other direction.”

Sometimes it works to be a salmon fighting your way upstream.  But wouldn’t it be nice if all our lives’ preparedness allowed us to be a leaf resting on the top of a gently flowing river flowing downstream?

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Jan 29

Lesson #19

by suddenlysinglewomen

“Burn the candles; use the nice sheets; wear the fancy lingerie.  Don’t save it for a special occasion.  Today is special.”

Why does this make me think of Erma Bombeck?  (I’m dating myself!)

Why do we save all these things for a special occasion?  I think my excuse is it’s the way I grew up.   My Mom always saved the “good towels” and the “good china” for when we had guests.  It made sense back then.  Now that I’m on my own though?  Not so much.  Gosh dog it, I’m worth it!

Heaven help me, I not only use my “sterling silver” flatware, I occasionally even (gasp) put it in the dishwasher.  Yes, I admit it.  After years of married life and never putting the Revere Ware copper clad pots in the dishwasher because my Mom told me it would cause the black lid knobs to “dull” – I DID IT!!  EGAD!!

This may be one of the easiest of the 45 Life Lessons to accomplish.  We deserve it, so just like the Home Depot ads:  “Let’s do this”!!!

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Jan 28

Lesson #18

by suddenlysinglewomen

“When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.”

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume this means love of an “activity” or a “passion” that you’re pursuing, and not taking “no” for an answer.  Hopefully it’s not human, LOL!

Funny that this comes close on the heels of the life lesson of your second childhood.  Have you ever seen more persistence than that from a child who wants something badly?  They do NOT take no for an answer.  They will present you with every argument they can come up with to wear you down.

When I think of things in my life that I have pursued with that amount of love or level of passion, the primary one I come up with is my passion for all things equestrian.  It started at a very young age, and trust me when I say it was never nurtured by my parents, nor later by my husband.  I kept wishing and hoping and dreaming.

I bought my first horse when I was 47 years old.  Realizing that life long dream can still put a goofy smile on my face today some 16 years later.  I can remember driving out to that barn to “try him out” as if it was yesterday.  I can remember the phone call afterwards to the husband assuring him that even though this was the first one I tried, that this WAS “the one” – seriously.

There have been other “the ones” since, as anyone in the horse world knows, but man – was that day special.  So yes, when it comes to today’s life lesson, I would whole heartedly encourage you to not take no for an answer.  This is your life, you don’t get a “do over”.

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Jan 27

Lesson #17

by suddenlysinglewomen

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.”

I had a great childhood.  I was the first born and favorite daughter!!  Ok, maybe I was the ONLY daughter but I was still the favorite one!

I don’t look at the “oops’s” in my life and blame it on my upbringing, my Mother, my Father or anyone else.  I had probably fewer adventures than most.  I never pushed the boundaries, I was a rule follower.  We stuck close to home, maybe the occasional visit to relatives who all lived in state.   We played outside a lot, and not with fancy toys.  There was minimal TV, and then what ever program we watched was determined by my Father.  Walt Disney and Bonanza come to mind.

We had one phone, kids didn’t really use it to communicate till maybe high school.  Even then, since it was in the kitchen where everyone listened, there weren’t many conversations over the wires.   Our conversations were face to face.  The first time I was dishonest with my parents, I was a Senior in High School and it was re: a date.  I got caught.  Like I said, not many “adventures”!

If the second childhood is up to me, I can only hope that I do as good a job on this next one as I did on the last one!  I will, however, be looking for more adventures this time around!

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Jan 26

Lesson #16

by suddenlysinglewomen

“A writer writes, if you want to be a writer, write.”

Not sure about this as a “life lesson”, but it seems rather apropos for what I’m doing!

My journey here started with my post divorce search for a support group.  When I did not immediately find one, I started writing my thoughts down on divorce “survival” with the thought of starting my own group.  These thoughts would be discussion topics.  Surely there were more of “me” out there?

In a passing conversation that summer, (at a wedding reception of all places – get it?  Love and happily ever after?) a person suggested if I was writing these thoughts down, I should write them in a book.  The thought intimidated me.  Write a book?  Nah, not me . . . that takes good English, good grammar, good punctuation and a lot of words.

The seed had been planted.  I took a “writing” course where my teacher was very encouraging.  She loved the personal aspect of my thoughts and writing.   I hung out in Barnes & Noble and didn’t see any book available like what I was looking for.  I started fleshing out those thoughts I’d written down, I organized into chapters.  I did this all in long hand on tablets, thoughts just flowed.

Then I took a publishing class; that instructor started us out by “publishing” a photo book.  Our next step was learning to blog.  Thus three years ago I began this blog, while still writing thoughts (now on my lap top) for a “book”.  Still never thought it would get out there.

Last December, I met with a potential publisher who walked me through the process, and I handed over my prologue and first three chapters.  She offered me a contract.  My attorney son is still hashing out a few details (nothing like free attorney advice!) but the point is:  I wanted to write about this topic and I did.  If I can do it, you can do it.

Some people do it by journaling, some people do it by blogging.  Point being, if you want to try your hand at writing, then . . . write!   Maybe the life lesson is this:  If you want to try something outside your comfort zone – then do it!   What are you waiting for?

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