suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Lesson #26

“What other people think of you is none of your business.”

Today would’ve been my Father’s 105th birthday.  Of course, I lost him long ago, in March of 1998 but his wisdom has stayed with me forever.  I sometimes wonder what he’s thinking of my life’s journey as he looks down at me from up above.  Does he have a good opinion of how I’m doing?

He’s visiting his elders in their heavenly nursing homes, singing in the church choir, mowing and “edging” the grass every Saturday, playing devil’s advocate in every conversation, rooting for his beloved Texas Aggies and looking for a foot massage (except we called them “rubs” back in the day!).

He would’ve given me the above advice.  He was his own man.  He was a man’s man.  My Dad served in the Army through WWII and Korea.  He was a leader of men, and gave no quarter.  Mostly he minded his own business, and rarely minded anyone else’s.  He lived his life and allowed others to live theirs.

Opinions of his actions were seldom, if ever, sought.  To say he was self-assured is an understatement, but then again, he grew up in a much different time.  There was not much of a male role model in his life, so my Granny sent him to “military academy” – back when it wasn’t a place of just troubled young men.  She wanted him to have strong structure and guidance, and he got it.  Served him well in his Army career, and later in his engineering career.

When we live our lives worried about what others think of us, we’re not being very good or fair  to ourselves.  If all we do is seek their approval and their opinion of our actions and our lives, we’re not really living for ourselves – we’re living for them.

It really isn’t my business to know the opinions others hold of me; I’m pretty sure I might be surprised.  They don’t know my reality, they haven’t walked a mile in my shoes.  As long as I continue to live my daily life in a physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy way, then really only my opinion should be my business.

Live your life so you have an excellent opinion of yourself!  I think you’ll turn out A-OK!

 

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Lesson #25

“Forgive everyone everything.”

I’m really glad they waited half way through their list before they hit me with this one.

I used to tell people that the personalities of my spouse and I were so different.  When it came to anger or being mad, he’d explode, get it all out of his system then move on.  I pouted, sulked, took names and kept score.

Forgiveness is something we all want, so why is it so very hard to give?

Flash back to the life lesson telling you not to hold onto your anger because it only hurts you.  Not forgiving someone is also only hurting yourself.  Keeping it all inside and letting it fester is an open wound.  The more important thing to me is not the “how” you get it done, but the “when”.

It’s also an action that happens at your own pace.  My mind told me after my husband’s first affair that the only way to work it out, and stay together, was for me to be able to forgive his infidelity.  My heart said, “Say what?” –  but I worked on it, it was tough, and eventually I got there.

And then he goes and does it again . . . so I worked on it again, harder.

Forgiving him isn’t saying what he did was alright, or that it didn’t matter.  Forgiveness is not giving the person who hurt you an excuse, or a get outta jail card free.  Forgiveness freed me to move on and become a better, happier, healthier person.  Forgiveness is a “work in progress” – but it won’t progress unless you actually try it, embrace it, and give it a chance.

 

 

 

 

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Lesson #24

“Frame every so-called disaster with these words:  In five years, will this matter?”

Guess it would depend on the so-called disaster.

A friend spills wine on my rug and just looks at me with an “Oh, was that me?” look on her face and makes no move to clean it up?  Yes, that’s a disaster of the moment, but certainly won’t matter to me in five years (assuming it’s not red wine and ruins the carpet).  Seriously, it’s upsetting at the time, but doesn’t alter the course of my life.

My ex sister-in-law lost both her husband unexpectedly, and a couple of months later, her house to a tornado, in the same year.  Now that would be a disaster that would still matter in five years.  Her house has been rebuilt, but will her life ever be the same?

What used to matter to me has really changed since my divorce.  I hazard a guess (as I gracefully grow older) that even without the divorce, some of those things would have mattered less and less anymore.  Our priorities change, our needs change and hopefully our graciousness over how we handle “so-called disasters” grows.

This life lesson falls under the category of:  Don’t sweat the small stuff!

 

 

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Lesson #23

We’ve crossed the half way mark on our Life’s Lessons adventure.  I don’t know about how you’re feeling, but I’ve loved having “food for thought” everyday.  If you’re reading this, thanks for going on this journey with me!

“No one is in charge of your happiness except you.”

Let’s say that again:

“NO ONE IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS EXCEPT YOU.”

‘Nuff said!

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Lesson #22

“The most important sex organ is the brain.”

Oh to have had this statement when my sons were teenagers!!  Not implying they were sexually active, but it just says what you need to say in such a sweet succinct way!

Now that I’m single and “out there” again, it’s still such a powerful statement.  Ladies, and a few gentlemen, these are different times.  There are so many diseases and other consequences out there if you are sexually active.  Being prepared isn’t being promiscuous, it’s being smart.

Even married, I never thought about being careful and protected because we were monogamous . . . right?  WRONG!  Do you know how embarrassing it was every time I learned of a new affair to have to go to the gynecologist and ask for a test for HIV/Aids?

All I think this lesson is saying is to do just that – THINK!  Use your brain, protect yourself.  Impulse is great if it’s having an impromptu picnic on a gorgeous spring day.  Impulse when it comes to sex needs to be put in check.

Check what your true feelings for this person are.

Check whether he’s truly single (if you’re dating) or truly monogamous (if you’re married).

Check if this is the right time to be intimate or are you just feeling really lonely and this fills a hole in your heart.

Check your heart.

Check that you’re not just a booty call, trust your intuition.

Check what his intentions are, what are yours?

Your brain is a powerful tool, use it and be smart.  Your heart will appreciate it.

 

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Lesson # 21

“Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.”

Oops!  I already wear purple . . . and orange . . . and bright yellow . . .  and my power color: red!!

I’ve always been about color, it just makes me happy.  Luckily my career choices have always been those that encourage self expression – within guidelines.

My ex, on the other hand, chose a career path that of being a CPA.  Straight out of college he went to work for one of the Big 8.  Over the years that has whittled down through mergers and government interference to just 4 now. The point being, if you were in an accounting firm (and probably the same for most large law firms) there was a dress code.  You wore navy blue and dark grey suits.  Your dress shirts were white, occasionally on a special occasion you could wear white instead.  (small joke)

You could have some color with a tie (or a small neck bow if you were female) but even that was pretty limited to blues and dark reds.  There was no personal creative expression allowed – you blended in.

I remember once we were headed out to a social gathering, being picked up at our house by another couple from the “firm”.  The ex was already ready and pacing in the living room.  I came out of the bedroom ready (with plenty of time still) dressed in what I thought was a cute ensemble appropriate for the occasion – a sporting event.  He took one look at me and said, “You’re not wearing that are you?”

Don’t you just love those questions?  I mean really, if you weren’t “really” wearing that, then why in the world would you have put it on??  Seriously??  But I knew the reason behind the shot across the bough, it was TOO much, TOO colorful, TOO attention getting, TOO me.  After all, my roll in life was to blend in, and let all attention be focused on him.

Even now, I’m far from being what I would consider eccentric.  I do however, dress for myself.  If I want to be daring and wear a bright color, I do.  I dress age appropriately, I don’t leave the house in anything that would embarrass my children or my parents – but I do allow myself to be “me”.  And I do enjoy wearing purple!

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Lesson #20

“Overprepare, then go with the flow.”

I definitely over prepare, I try to think of every contingency just to be on the safe side.  Sometimes, life still throws a monkey wrench into the works and best laid plans bust apart.  That said, I am, always have been, and probably always will be a planner and a preparer!

How nice it would be to “go with the flow”, certainly much less stressful.  I suppose what this lesson is telling us is that if we are overly prepared, then we’ll be able to sit back, assess and “go with the flow?”

I’m reminded of a conversation years ago with a woman lauding her son for wanting to be his own person and go against the flow.  Sometimes though, she warned him:  “It’s OK if you’re marching to the beat of a different drummer, unless you turn around and EVERYONE is going the other direction.”

Sometimes it works to be a salmon fighting your way upstream.  But wouldn’t it be nice if all our lives’ preparedness allowed us to be a leaf resting on the top of a gently flowing river flowing downstream?

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Lesson #18

“When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.”

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume this means love of an “activity” or a “passion” that you’re pursuing, and not taking “no” for an answer.  Hopefully it’s not human, LOL!

Funny that this comes close on the heels of the life lesson of your second childhood.  Have you ever seen more persistence than that from a child who wants something badly?  They do NOT take no for an answer.  They will present you with every argument they can come up with to wear you down.

When I think of things in my life that I have pursued with that amount of love or level of passion, the primary one I come up with is my passion for all things equestrian.  It started at a very young age, and trust me when I say it was never nurtured by my parents, nor later by my husband.  I kept wishing and hoping and dreaming.

I bought my first horse when I was 47 years old.  Realizing that life long dream can still put a goofy smile on my face today some 16 years later.  I can remember driving out to that barn to “try him out” as if it was yesterday.  I can remember the phone call afterwards to the husband assuring him that even though this was the first one I tried, that this WAS “the one” – seriously.

There have been other “the ones” since, as anyone in the horse world knows, but man – was that day special.  So yes, when it comes to today’s life lesson, I would whole heartedly encourage you to not take no for an answer.  This is your life, you don’t get a “do over”.

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Lesson #17

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.”

I had a great childhood.  I was the first born and favorite daughter!!  Ok, maybe I was the ONLY daughter but I was still the favorite one!

I don’t look at the “oops’s” in my life and blame it on my upbringing, my Mother, my Father or anyone else.  I had probably fewer adventures than most.  I never pushed the boundaries, I was a rule follower.  We stuck close to home, maybe the occasional visit to relatives who all lived in state.   We played outside a lot, and not with fancy toys.  There was minimal TV, and then what ever program we watched was determined by my Father.  Walt Disney and Bonanza come to mind.

We had one phone, kids didn’t really use it to communicate till maybe high school.  Even then, since it was in the kitchen where everyone listened, there weren’t many conversations over the wires.   Our conversations were face to face.  The first time I was dishonest with my parents, I was a Senior in High School and it was re: a date.  I got caught.  Like I said, not many “adventures”!

If the second childhood is up to me, I can only hope that I do as good a job on this next one as I did on the last one!  I will, however, be looking for more adventures this time around!

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Lesson #15

We’re a third of the way through our journey.  How are we doing?  I’m getting a lot out of this process, mainly because it makes me pause and think that I can be much more positive.  I hope you are as well.  I’ve always fancied myself as a “glass half full” type person.  The actions of a few over the past 15 years have caused me to slip a bit in my resolve.

Writing my thoughts and sharing them with you has helped me to reaffirm my natural instincts – and for that I am grateful.  So . . . on to today’s Lesson!

“You can get through anything if you stay put in today.”

Would this be similar to the old adage, “Take one day at a time”?

I am a self confessed worrier.  I admit it, I worry about tomorrow.  Sometimes I live “in the moment”, but rarely.  I’m a planner, I’m a scheduler, I know what I’m doing tomorrow, next week, next month – you get the drift.

I suppose this Lesson is telling me I need to stay in today and complete today.  So here’s to today, and making it the very best it can be, putting one foot in front of the other!

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