suddenlysinglewomen

Becoming the best version of yourself

Dec 17

Holidazed? Tis the Season for Reflection

by suddenlysinglewomen

“If I cut you off… Chances are you handed me the scissors because trust is like crumpling up a piece of paper. You can smooth it over as much as you want but it will never be the same again.”

I saw this quote the other day; it was not attributed to any one person so I can’t give him/her credit – but I am sharing it.  Wow – such a visual and oh so very true!

This was the year that things were supposed to be so positive.  I welcomed a new grandson in June, everyone healthy and happy.  He joins his sister in bringing us much joy and a lot of “action”!  In September my eldest got married to a lovely young woman so I welcomed another beautiful daughter n’law into the fold.  There was much to smile about, I have the photos to prove it!!

Yet somehow it’s also been the most unsettling year.  Trust has been broken on multiple fronts and my heart has taken some major blows.  My “aloneness” has never been more in the forefront of my thoughts as it has been this year, a year that my family has actually expanded.

I have much to be thankful for; I can pay my bills, have a roof over my head, food on the table, my health and physical well being.  Why is that not enough?  Why do I keep thinking/hoping that there is more out there?  Still hanging onto the belief of happily ever after and being in love is beginning to look futile.

That said, reality is that life isn’t easy and there will always be challenges and speed bumps.  I do understand and accept that.  The things that I’m talking about here are the hits that blind side you.  I had certain assumptions about relationships that would never change, in the friends and family category, that were SO wrong.  You reach out, you keep trying and that piece of paper that holds your trust keeps getting crumpled back up and thrown back at you.  I’m so tired of trying to smooth out those wrinkles.

So yes, this year I’ve starting cutting people off.  Yes, as in the above quote, they handed me the scissors.  It’s awful, it’s painful, but in the end, if they have no problem hurting me that badly, then clearly I do not need them in my life as I continue my journey of hope and healing.  How very sad for them that they are at a point in their lives where they feel it’s OK to hurt and break trust?

Bring on 2016, it’ll be a New Year with fresh starts, new friends, changing horizons, expanding goals and hopefully I will be able to retire those scissors.

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Nov 18

Oh So Lonely . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

11755080_857285891027414_4806141563168382120_n  This photo really grabbed my attention – it is SOOO me!   I grew up watching my Mom do the same thing.  Always caring and worrying about everyone else, doing very little to take care of her own needs or keeping her own dreams alive.  My Dad’s dreams were therefore her dreams.

I remember once being very young, and finding my mother sitting in a darkened bathroom, perched on the edge of the tub, just sitting there crying.  It was scary for a little girl, not understanding but wanting to comfort.  Later on when I was older I realized she has just suffered another miscarriage in their attempt to bring a second baby into the family.  To this day it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed.   Silent tears and feeling that alone – I couldn’t imagine it nor understand it at my young age.

Now I get it.

My loneliness is a living breathing thing that I fight down, or attempt to, all the time.  Married couple “friends” hang out with “married couples”, it’s just what they do.  My single GF’s suffer the same as I do.  Don’t get me wrong, we do get together and try to help each other get through our lonely times – but just not the same as having your own “person”.  I so miss just holding hands with someone.

Humans need touch, we need people.  We were not built to be alone.  One of my biggest fears as I get older is that I will die alone.  The other day I lost a good friend to cancer, she had been battling it a long time but did it with such beauty and grace.  She had been a lifeline to me during the TYOTD, and was one that helped me hold it together.  She was my horse trainer and a gentle soul.  I would cry on her shoulder and she would offer gentle non-judgmental hugs whenever needed.  They were needed a lot that summer . . .

I never had to ask, she just knew I needed someone.  I don’t ever ask.  It’s wrong of me to assume that people will know I’m hurting, that I’m lonely, and I need them.  But I am like the photo above, always caring for others, trying to help others, and hiding from my own needs.  Can’t people see how hurt I am, how alone I am?  I mask it well, many years of practice and I learned from the best.

I’m so blessed that my Mom is still alive and almost 97.  She knows the “adult” me is here for her now, she doesn’t have to cry those silent tears.  And maybe someday soon I won’t have to either?

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Oct 2

Over Think Things? Who Me??

by suddenlysinglewomen

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So the last time I tried posting a photo it didn’t work.  Well tarnation!  So I’m going to try again.  I’m thinking maybe I know the reason why it didn’t come through, so we’ll test it with this one!!

Hopefully you can see it – the photo is a beautiful sunset, or maybe even a sunrise, hard to know without perspective of which direction the photographer was facing.  I choose to call it a sunset – those are my favorites!!

The caption below the sunset reads, “When you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.  Relax, breathe, let go, and just live.”

Easier said than done.

I’ve been traveling a lot lately.  Earlier in September my eldest son got married in San Diego.  Beautiful place, San Diego.  Except that they broke heat records that had last been set in the 1800’s, and this was an outside wedding.  We gals from Texas know a thing or two about sweating . . . uh, sorry, . . . I mean “glowing”.  We were glowing for sure.  Lucky for me I had my hair professionally done, as well as my makeup.  Nothing short of a chisel and hammer was going to let my hair fall or my make-up run.  I had to “relax, breathe, and let go.”  Can’t control the weather.

Last weekend I traveled back to my home state and attended my college alma mater’s football game.  We are NOT having a stellar season.  I took along three friends who had never attended a college game in a stadium of this magnitude.   It seats 100,000+, it’s impressive.  We did not win but we came durn close.  For me to relax, breathe and let go while I’m so busy jumping up and down and yelling – is tough.  Control the outcome of the game?  Kinda like controlling the weather.  After all, you’re at the mercy of 18-20 year olds, and some REALLY bad refereeing.

And even though I swore off dating, I relented and a while back had a really nice time with a man that a friend introduced me to.  Tall, employed, nice looking, polite, well educated – could it be??  Travels a lot for his job so the second date came a mere three months after the first one, LOL!   I invite him to my house for dinner with other friends in town.  Goes great – he clearly does not want to go home.  Then he decides he might be interested in another person, so he goes away, but that person doesn’t work out.  So he tries to get back in the picture – but at first just by texting, then calling, then asking how the wedding was, then showing up at the football game weekend last weekend to “surprise” me – knowing that I had girlfriends with me.

Not exactly a way to have a good conversation with a person, to decipher his intentions.  But what I’m starting to remind myself of from day to day is I absolutely have no control over another person, how they act, what they say, who they see.  I cannot control the weather, I cannot control the outcome of a sporting event, and I sure as heck (not the word that first entered my mind) cannot control whether someone thinks I’m special enough to want to be with.

So maybe this weekend I can finally relax, breathe, let go and just live – that is until kick-off at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow!

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Aug 12

Laissez Les Bonnes Temps Roulez

by suddenlysinglewomen

I’ve always loved that phrase.  Being as close to the state of Louisiana as I am, I hear it a lot, most especially before, during and right after Mardi Gras.

“Let The Good Times Roll”!

Amen!

The older I get, the more I might be persuaded to let that phrase dictate my life’s adventures “post divorce”.  What do you think?

The bad times, when they roll, they roll over you and smush you like one of those big pieces of road working equipment rolling over new asphalt.  You get flattened.

So in my ongoing quest to be more “positive” and “move on” with my life, letting the good times roll seems a lot more fun than letting the bad ones smush.  (Spellcheck doesn’t like “smush” but I do.  After all, being from Texas, we smush a lot, mostly bugs – but you get my drift)

So as we approach a weekend in the heat of the summer I’m thinking we should all take on the Cajun attitude of “Laissez Les Bonnes Temps Roulez” and see what mischief we can get ourselves into.  Grab some friends, make a plan, shed the “negative” and let’s get this new attitude “rolling”!!  Wha’dya say?

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Apr 28

Thanks For Your Input! (NOT!!)

by suddenlysinglewomen

Sometimes those well-meaning people in your life are just . . . too . . . you know . . . well meaning?  I know they “mean well”, but seriously, I didn’t ask!  Sometimes I do ask, case in point, when my TV set up isn’t working or my computer is shutting me down – I ask the experts – my sons!  Of course mainly I get the reply “Mom, Google is your friend.”  OK – fine!

But what do you do when those times roll around that people are offering you their thoughts and their unsolicited advice?  I never want to hurt their feelings, they do have my best interests at heart, but sometimes it’s just too much.

I recently read a short article on how to handle these situations when they arise and I got a chuckle out of it.  I wish I had the ability to remember these “come backs” when I need them, but chances are I won’t.  This one I may practice though!  The article suggests:

“Unsolicited counsel can trigger reactions ranging from gratitude to feelings of inadequacy to anger, . . . The quickest fix?  Be direct.  Say, “Thank you for trying to help me, but I might have given the wrong impression.  I’m not actually looking for advice.”

You might also consider tweaking your own conversational style.  Sure, it could be that your nearest and dearest are busybodies, but maybe they’re jut looking for a way to connect with you.  Friends and family may be naturally inclined to offer guidance if, say, you tend to do a lot of venting or complaining.  And, honestly, even if that’s not the case, you’re less likely to be offered unwanted suggestions if you steer the discussions.”

It’s a fine line to know when to accept and when to ignore or decline.  I have two adult sons who always have my best interests in their minds when they start offering unsolicited advice.  Sometimes it reminds me too much of my EX, sometimes it’s spot on.  Sometimes it’s just plain awkward.

If you’re paying a professional for services, then mostly I would think you should listen to their direction, after all that is what you’re paying them for.  It comes to mind that these would include Doctors, Financial Advisors, CPA’s filing your tax returns, Lawyers – to name a few, but even then, you have a right to question and not take it as the gospel.

I have a friend who years ago worked with me in the Development Department of a Non-Profit.  People were constantly offering unsolicited advice to her about the way she should do her job.  She would always smile a beautiful smile while saying, “Thanks for your input”, but that twinkle in her eye told me that she wasn’t the least bit interested in hearing, or acting upon their opinion.  It became our “inside” joke.

Here’s to knowing when to say – enough!

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Apr 20

Bouncing Back Better – Part Deaux!

by suddenlysinglewomen

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Last week I shared some pointers I’d seen in the AARP Newsletter and promised I’d get back with some “further” thoughts!  So here goes:

1)  Don’t rush it.   There was nothing “rushed” about my divorce.   Luckily for women in the State of Texas, we have Community Property.  After a year + of “h*ll”, it was done.

The next thing that was not rushed was what I would call “recovery”.  Life does not just move on, it’s a struggle.  You’ve been thrown a curve ball, a slider, a sinker,  I could go on all day with the sports metaphors but truth is, you’re unbalanced (and I mean that in a good way).  You need to take the time to reacquaint yourself WITH yourself.  You’ve changed and it takes time to see your way through to this next phase of your life.  You are ALONE!  No matter your support system, you’re going to need to do a lot of this on your own.  Take your time and get to know the person inside; let the new woman emerge as better and brighter than before!

2)  Consult others.  This is so important.  It can be your family, your best friend, a professional therapist, a member of the clergy, a support group – many choices and only you will know what is best or possible for you.  Some are free, some come with cost – but all should be considered when seeking guidance to steer you through this important next phase.  You’re laying the groundwork for the next 20, 30, 4o years of your life.  Don’t you think that’s important enough to get some feedback?  A good listening ear is worth it.

Maybe you just need to hear yourself talk, maybe you really do want some answers?  Regardless of your state of mind, few can get through to the other side without some kind of help.  If people offer, take them up on it.  If they don’t, maybe consider that they’re just waiting to be asked.  If they’re not interested in listening or helping,  you’ll know pretty quickly so you can move away from them and look elsewhere.  It’s not a sign of weakness to seek help, it’s a sign of strength in acknowledging that you want to get to a better place.

3)  Think positive.  It’s all in the way you spin it in your mind.  Yep, no doubt about it, divorce sucks!  I really used to despise that word when my sons, then late teens and early 20’s, used it.  Boy does it apply though.  It just totally sums up what you’re going through.  You wonder if you’ll ever smile again, if you’ll ever love again, if you’ll ever feel cherished again?  You will.  Find a reason to smile, love yourself and cherish the time you have left on this earth to fulfill a dream, a destiny, a purpose.

There are no instant fixes but having a positive outlook will help  you get there much faster.  Not saying it’s not OK to have some dark thoughts, you will, I still do.  I can happily report though that they seem to be further and further apart these days.  Little things will set them off, that need to have a pity party but just don’t let it rule your thoughts every day.  Never let it be an excuse for bad behavior, there are enough people out there exhibiting their own bad behavior for you to be adding to it.  Having trouble making yourself happy?  Then try finding ways to make others happy by doing nice, unexpected things for them.  That alone can get you in a positive frame of mind.  Just today while outside enjoying a nice spring day (after three months of rain, gloom and doom) while walking the dogs, I passed by a neighbor’s house where the yardman was putting in some spring color.  He hopped up out of the way of my two large canines and noticing his work I smiled at him and commented on how pretty the flowers were.  The change on his face was amazing, he seemed so surprised that someone would compliment him.  It made him smile, it made me smile.  Easy!  Take time to be positive.

4)  Recognize your own strengths.  I had been pretty well sheltered during my “child”  life.  My father took care of everything outside the house, my mother took care of everything inside the house.  He went to work everyday and provided for his family.  My mother made sure we were well fed and taken care of.  I expected to grow up, marry and have the same thing.

My spouse provided for us, but I was never a full partner in the decision making having to do with finances, where we lived, what we did, who we saw, etc.  When I suddenly found myself single and alone – it was frightening.  Would I be able to make decisions based on very little experience having to do with day-to-day living?  I’d been a daughter, a wife, a mother; I had never been solely responsible.  Guess what?  I am pretty smart and capable.  Who knew?  (smile)  Recognize that you too are smart and capable.  You can take care of yourself and make smart decisions.  If you need guidance, ask for it.  Coming out from the shadows and into the light is very liberating.  I’ll make some bad decisions and I’ll learn from them and I will keep moving forward.  I am strong, . . . I am woman . . . (you know what’s coming!), hear me roar!

 

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Nov 18

Let Gratitude Change Your Attitude – – –

by suddenlysinglewomen

So I was driving along the other day and there was a break in the music on the radio for a church ad.  Usually I listen to XM/Sirius radio so there’s little interruption but for some reason I was on regular radio programming.  A minister came on and was asking for attendance for the upcoming Sunday.

Generally I tune ads out, but there was just something about his voice.  Maybe that’s one of the things that lead him to his calling – a great voice that makes people sit up and notice.  His topic of discussion was going to be “Let Gratitude Change Your Attitude” . . . and it really stuck a chord in me.

I’ve said before how we can control our feelings and decide how we are going to let things that happen to us shape us.  I know you’ve heard it all before whether it be from your well meaning friends and family, or a therapist or divorce recovery group.  The message is always the same – you can get through this, you will feel better, you will recover.

But dang if it isn’t really  hard to do, right??

So when I heard this, it was like . . . WOW!  How five words can have such a profound impact?  Amazing.  I started thinking of all the things I have to be grateful for, and there are a lot.   You know what starts to happen when you let gratitude change your attitude?  You start smiling, your heart warms and your perspective does change.  You look at things a bit differently.  It’s slow at first, it’s SO easy to think of all the negatives and wallow in the gloom and doom.

I know, I’ve done it!

And I know that I will continue to do it at times BUT –

Maybe if everyday we look around us at the things we have to be grateful for, it could be the beginning of something really wonderful.  It just might, over time – change that attitude into a smile!

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Aug 6

Who Needs The Drama?

by suddenlysinglewomen
“Come Sit with Me. There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from
all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who
make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who
treat you well, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything
but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.”
I don’t know whose quote this is but I just love it!  If I did I would give them credit as it’s deserved.
Why the drama?  Do you ever find yourself asking this question regarding certain friends or events?
Seriously, it’s exhausting.  Maybe it’s attention seeking people who need the drama to bring focus to themselves?  The older I get the less I want to be around the Drama Queens and Drama Kings.
No doubt in the past there have been things I have done or said that have caused people to say the same thing about me but I sincerely hope it was minimal and few and far between.  I find I no longer have the patience for it like I did in the past.
Back in the day I used to joke that “Caller ID” was invented to save us from people filled with the need for attention.  I’ve now amended that realizing that it was probably invented to alert you to sales calls but you get my drift.
Lately I’ve been striving to surround myself with those people who care about me, are not looking for anything in particular from me but just honest friendship and good times together.  I’m saving the Drama for television series and movies with popcorn.  Life is too short.

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Jun 10

Levity and Popcorn . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

So I recently wanted to cheer up a friend who has suffered a very painful loss in her family.  Looking for some levity, and the never ending happiness that a bag of popcorn (and mindless entertainment for 2 hours) can bring you, we opted to go to a movie!

Being the person picking a movie to view can be daunting, and if you flub can also be worthy of being put in the corner and never again being allowed to pick.  I wanted to offer options, but was definitely looking for light hearted. We both go to the same support group for Divorce Recovery so imagine my surprise when she picked “The Other Woman” as her choice?

Usually women who have been victims of infidelity don’t need to pay to see it on the big screen.  However, off we went and entertained we were.  There are some classic lines in the film, and while it is definitely NOT for the serious film critic, it provided the right amount of humor and self reflection intended.  I was tickled by the article below where Cameron Diaz, certainly a beautiful enough woman who you would think could have any man she wants, talks about chemistry and soul mates.

This movie celebrates sisterhood and the way we can truly all help/support each other during trying times dealing with the opposite sex – you know – the creatures from Mars??

I hope you will enjoy this, it’s a quick read but oh so true and reminded me of those I know who would have thoroughly enjoyed joining me in this escapade of . . . OK I’ll say it . . . revenge.    Have fun with it!

 

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/cameron-diaz-on-soulmates-and-sisterhood/#.U3EmVRpxvL4.email%5B/

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Jun 2

The Times, They Are A’Changin’ . . .

by suddenlysinglewomen

Good morning and Happy June!  Summer is settling in and it’s hot outside.  And speaking of “hot”, there were times during my divorce (and perhaps yours?) when my ex’s actions made me hotter than summer time in Texas.  However, I was always expected to temper those “heated” thoughts and roll with the punches.  I was told to “rise above it” and always display good manners.  So where was the outlet I needed to blow off that steam?

Sweet friend “LLB” has just recently gone through the divorce process and is learning how to come out the other side with a bit of humor.  She has shared this post with me for all my blog followers.  While I heartily subscribe to you doing “what’s best for you”, this article does show that women everywhere are coming up with creative outlets for venting that heat that rises when your marital state becomes “done”.

Enjoy the read and ROCK ON!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/28/why-divorce-parties-are-o_n_5405775.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

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